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Thaumiel
July 7th, 2015, 01:54 PM
x

AtleanWordsmith
July 9th, 2015, 02:01 PM
Not bad. I like the casual writing style, it's more appealing than something formal. My best advice is to work on rearranging some of the action tags to give your narrative a better flow. Just going to put any changes I make to your writing in bold, for examples:


A few minutes he finally came in, a sharp dressed man. Black suit, black shirt, black tie. By all of what’s above, if that was his idea of casual wear I’d hate to see him on the job. He slowly made his way to the table after making a purchase and sat down across from me.

“So how’re you integrating?” he quickly spat out.

A few minutes he finally came in, a sharp dressed man. Black suit, black shirt, black tie. By all of what’s above, if that was his idea of casual wear I’d hate to see him on the job. He slowly made his way to the table after making a purchase and sat down across from me. When he spoke, he spat the words quickly.

“So how’re you integrating?”


“You know fine well we haven’t managed to get anyone in to those sorts of professions. You’d think politicians were a different species.” He sneered.

“You know fine well we haven’t managed to get anyone in to those sorts of professions," he sneered, "You’d think politicians were a different species.”

You can also afford to remove a few unnecessary words in them, such as here:


“I must say I’m disappointed with my placement.” He began, pausing to eat a chunk of chocolate icing from the cake.

“I must say I’m disappointed with my placement.” He paused to eat a chunk of chocolate icing from the cake.

Issachar
July 10th, 2015, 05:57 AM
James,
The comment about the MPs is a little confusing. I like the idea, but it could use some clarification. Overall I found the piece very interesting. The idea of aliens among us has been beat to death by cheap science fiction, but having them gripe about their jobs adds an entertaining splash of personality. The line "a safe worker is a happy worker" brings to mind some overbearing and mindlessly bureaucratic OSHA, which would be a hilarious topic if you ever get the itch to write about it.
Issachar

AtleanWordsmith
July 10th, 2015, 06:01 AM
Issachar, "MP" is a UK abbreviation for "Member of Parliament." Basically, politicians.

Issachar
July 10th, 2015, 06:11 AM
Ah, that makes a great deal more sense. My first thought was "military police" which didn't make any sense at all. Thanks for the clarification Wordsmith.

AtleanWordsmith
July 10th, 2015, 06:24 AM
No problem! If it's any consolation, I had the same thought until I noticed that James has his location set as the UK. Small details, haha.

Thaumiel
July 10th, 2015, 12:41 PM
Thanks for taking the time to read it. I'll definitely work on the structure around the dialogue. Sorry if I was unclear there, MP is something I hear/see used regularly so it didn't cross my mind it wouldn't be as well known elsewhere.

AtleanWordsmith
July 10th, 2015, 01:35 PM
Sorry if I was unclear there, MP is something I hear/see used regularly so it didn't cross my mind it wouldn't be as well known elsewhere.
It's just a cultural thing. Most of us in the States tend to think of MPs as Military Police instead of Members of Parliament, especially since we've got senators and representatives here. Keep on using the terms that you're used to. You may have to stop and explain some things, but that's a good thing. It promotes understanding and forces foreign readers to learn a thing or two, haha.

escorial
August 2nd, 2015, 09:39 AM
could be cloak and dagger stuff..kind of going everywhere...enjoyed