View Full Version : Erenthia excerpt- 704 words

July 6th, 2015, 02:58 AM
Hi! So I have hit a wall and need help with the last half of my novel (no the last half of my novel is not 704 words long). This is just one scene that I wrote and it came out absolutely AWFUL! Probably because I rushed and wrote 50 pages in less than a month. Anywhos! Here it is (Oh and I put the **** as placeholders for names I haven't come up with yet so any name suggestions would be nice as well!)

Also I pointed out some spots that I really don't like but my brain is too tired to try to think of ways of fixing...so help would be appreciated but you are not limited to what I commented on. lol make comments of your own! http://www.writersdigest.com/forum/images/smilies/icon_e_biggrin.gif:

“Oh Thantos, you better get going that hydra you were talking to earlier is about to go on a rampage.”

“Where is he?”

“Town square!”

Thantos shot me a worried look. “You gonna be ok coming with?” he asked.

I nodded.

“Follow me.”

We ran through the woods to the town square where we found **** trying to reason with the head on the right as he smashed buildings and breathed fire. There was not a creature or a person to be seen (aside from the hydra). (Needs a better transition but I am horrible with transitions!)

“What do we do?” I asked. (She sounds really winy here. How can I make her not sound winy and helpless?)

“You get your inexperienced butt to safety!” he ordered. (Pah! Is there a better word other than "ordered"?)

I begrudgingly went and hid behind a pile of rubble. There was a small part in me that wanted to help. This hydra didn’t seem so scary after seeing him in Thantos’s castle despite the flame throwing and smashing. There was a person in there that really didn’t want to have any part in this destruction but something was wrong...something was driving it…

Thantos disappeared into shadow for a brief moment. The shadow flashed up to the top of the right head of the hydra. Thantos then reappeared in his human form. He put his head right in front of the hydras eyes and growled, “what did I tell you?” (I feel like this needs more drama...thoughts?)

“Kill! Destroy! Kill! Destroy!” the right head said. (I feel like this needs...more but my mind is mush so I'm having a hard time thinking of what I could add...aside from a maniacal laugh but I think I already put that in here.)

**** also looked up and put a claw to his head as if to check to see if something was on his head.

Thantos rolled his eyes and looked to ****. “Tell him to stop.” (UGH!!! NEEDS MORE DRAMA BUT HOW??)

“I can’t!” **** said.

“Yes you can!” Thantos said.

“I-I can’t! He said he would hurt me!”

That made no sense to me. I ran out from the pile of rubble and shouted, “he can’t hurt you!”

The head on the right turned to me, eyes flaming. It brought down a fist to crush me but I jumped out of the way just in time.

“Rose! What are you doing!” Thantos said shocked.

**** looked intrigued. He carefully picked me up in his scaly hand.“What is this you say?”

“He can’t hurt you because you are connected. If he hurts you he also hurts himself!” (This just seems...dull...what do you think?)

“She doesn’t know what she’s talking about,” the head on the right scoffed.

I did a tugging motion on my ear and asked, “may I?”

*** lifted me to his head and just as I was going to tug on his ear the head on the right knocked me out of ***’s claw.

Thantos turned to shadow and reappeared just so that I would fall right in to his arms. (How can I make this less cheesy?) I hopped out of his arms and grabbed a large piece of rubble and hurled it at ****’s ankle. **** along with the head on the right yelped in pain.

**** looked at the head on the right in shock.

“Stop.” *** said. (Needs more...what do you think?)

Thantos turned to shadow and returned to my side in human form.

It dropped the building that was in its hand. It became a person again. Looking around at all the damage that he caused he sighed. Thantos went and put a hand on his shoulder. “Hey it’s ok, We’ll get this cleaned up. Not like it hasn’t happened before,” he said.

**** smiled. He looked at me and asked, “Miss, who are you?”

“Oh I’m Rose,” I said.

“How did you know?” he asked.

“Well when I saw you look up to see if Thantos had jumped on your head it clicked for me. Your right head feels what you feel and you feel what your right head feels. Your right head was bluffing.”

“Good call,” Thantos said.

“Thanks,” I replied.

“Ok let’s get this cleaned up!” Thantos called out (I want this to seem very routine...like "oh another monster ravaged our city. Oh well time to rebuild my house!").

Small trap doors began to open up from the ground that I didn’t even notice before and people began to crawl out from them. (How can I describe this better?) “What are those?” I asked.

“Living here safety bunkers are a necessity. Also making it mandatory for everyone to be skilled in some sort of clean up or construction is useful too.”

We made our way back to the palace after spending some time helping with the clean up. By the time we got back I was starving. Thantos provided a meal of ****. I ate every bite plus dessert. (I am horrible with transitions! What can I do to improve this?)

So here is what I need:

1) what can I do to expand this?
2) what can I do to make it less...cheesy and boring?
3) how can I make the attraction between Rose and Thantos more subtle?

That's just what I have noticed and if you notice anything else or have any other useful hints and tips I will gladly welcome them! You are not limited to those three questions.

Lastly: The person speaking in the beginning was a wise old tree and she can see the future so that is how she knew the hydra was going to go on a rampage.

Thanks for reading! http://www.writersdigest.com/forum/images/smilies/icon_e_smile.gif

July 6th, 2015, 05:31 AM
First off, you’ll have to excuse my not knowing what’s going on. (:
I think the section you have here can be made more effective. First, however, you need to define what the overall conflict of the story is. Conflict reveals who the characters are and ultimately makes the reader feel specific emotions. (Novels typically get longer depending on how many characters your story tries to reveal.) So you can have cases where there are too many conflicts to the character (which doesn’t reveal character through indecision) or too many characters to the conflict (which doesn’t reveal character through mitigated screen-time).

To sum it up: You need to choose a character who has some expressive trait which relates to the conflict and choose a conflict which best expresses the emotion you want to portray.
So it goes: Choose emotion (like disapproval) > choose conflict (like a murder) choose character trait (desire to murder for money). If you had too many desires, you get a weak character. If you have too many characters, you get a weak conflict.

So keep it simple. Focus on developing a character who an exemplar of the emotion you want. Focus on a conflict which is an example of why the character is the way she is.

For example, an issue with conflict: How does the hydra reveal something about Thantos?
An issue with character: How are Thantos’ actions creating [emotion=thrill]? What is at stake?

Last, keep your magic simple, too. If it’s unexplained, wondrous magic, create problems with the magic. If it’s explained, detailed magic, fix problems with the magic. So, for example, you have a character who can turn into shadow. If he doesn’t want to turn into shadow, then this is a character story and doesn’t need to focus so much on the magic as a conflict. If he does want to turn into shadow and uses it actively, then you need to explain the conflict (how the magic works).

Also, be consistent with all of this. There’s a town being destroyed. Is this central to the conflict or are the characters above the needs of regular townsfolk? Regardless, your story is very funny. If that’s the emotion you want to go for, then there is a lot you can do with few characters. You might even mix in some remorse. Your overall theme might be: No man escapes settling down.