PDA

View Full Version : truly 4th fall of fates sample.



kunox
June 25th, 2015, 11:49 PM
this is a sample of my second book.. please critique.... yes it's part two of a series but is mainly here to show my style and help out on another thread... please enjoy.

Chapter One::Kidnapping Solitude
The deem-dark-realm of Terra was not a place to go looking for anything. For one it was too far away from its sun to get light and even worse yet, you can’t see your own future even if you were clairvoyant. This place had many treasures and riches. They say the greater the reward the more likely one is to lose one's life over it in Terra, and that’s a fact, because this place also had many dangerous warring Trollars and beast of many types.
The land had been abandoned by civilized people for the longest time and had remnants of their advanced findings all over the landscape. You could find million of unimaginable and unreasonable or just messed up things happening in this post apocalyptic place. Mainly because of all of the unnatural science, magic, or alchemy experiments that had taken place here.
The only people to even would come here were the Anti-Fates and there were only two reasons they came here. One was not be disturbed when they plan something’s undoing. The other was to heal and bask in the energies from the lightless moon. This was a place where one could lose his head if you even thought about sleeping because nothing did sleep and nothing stopped hunting and the Anti-Fate De-tox knew this. She wasn’t a newcomer to the darker places that were on the back side of reality.
“It’s a good thing I’m already an insomniac any way.” She thought to herself as she kept on guard for Trollars or Dark Sci Priest.
“Well, I hoped to find them over here, but they must have gone on to castle wall. I guess I’ll just pop in and see.”
The area around Detox washed away and a castle appeared behind her as well as many different demons and storm crows. They all stood to attention and one asked if De-tox needed anything.
“Yes, I am looking for my friends and associates. Have you seen them?” She said as one of the storm crows walked up to her and says.
“They are inside trying to decide what to do since the Anti-Fate De-plight has been destroyed. They said if you showed up to inform you that the Ex-Fate
Truth was the one that destroyed your cousin.”
De-tox didn’t like the sound of this. She balled up her fist and then grunted. “Thank you I hope to hear from you again. Since you are the most special voices I have ever heard in my head and will be remembered.”
The demons and storms crows didn’t react to this statement. They were used to the fact that De-tox thought the voices in her head were real, but thought people in real life where fake and imaginary. This was not the thing to worry about around an Anti Fate as back stabbing as De-tox. That is if you dared to tick her off. She was known for her skin, which was green and blue and she could poison you with just one touch.
“Well, are e going to sit around or are we going to go to the meeting.” De-tox exclaimed as she pointed toward the castle.
The storm crow just smiled and politely said. “This way mam.” He walked toward the castle and opened the huge gate.
As she walked past him he pointed to a door. “The meeting is being held fifth room ahead on your right.”
De-tox thanked the storm crow and then walked toward the room that had people in a loud argument.
“I swear you guys, we need to do something about Truth. He is a thorn in our side and has been ruining our plans since we have started trying to end existence. If we just set back and let him go about bringing those ex-mortals into this then we have already lost.”
Plight walked into the room and took a seat.
“The other problem is we can’t kill him. By his own nature, he will still be after a lot of us are dead.” One of the Fates at a huge round table pointed out”
“De-tox. You’re late to this discussion. Have you had any news about what is going on with the new Fates?” a rather large Anti-Fate said.
“Well, I got some good news, but mostly bad.” Detox pulled out a small computer. ”To put it in a good light a couple of them are not adjusting well to their job, but the bad news is that they seem to be handling them mostly better than the Fates themselves. It’s as if they understand the problems that people have better than anybody does.”
The big anti-Fate leaned down and then moved the table aside. Lifting and then put his finger against the ground and said. You’re telling me that what Truth did is working out way better than anybody could imagine. I do hope you know that hurts our plans in ways you can’t believe.”
De-tox looked down and then typed into her small computer. Well maybe if we can get them fired or demoted things might go a little more in our favor.” She said then looks up.
“No the ex-Fate of truth is harder to contend with than that. Also Truth may be the one thing that holds us back from our goal of ending things.”
De-tox just smiled.”Maybe if we take the battle to him then we might find ourselves winning a lot more or even worse. Let’s take the fight to his family.” She said.
The big Anti-Fate looked intrigued and smiled.
“What do you mean? I do hope you know that can get us in trouble.”
“Well Mr. Dusk has had many wives besides Plight. The most notable one being a mortal with a warrior heritage. They had a son called Solice. He doesn’t even know his father is an Ex-Fate even”
The big Anti-Fate put his hand up to his face and hits his head.
One of the Anti-Fates that sat to the side looked over at Detox. “So what if we destroy his son that only gets us in trouble.”

Gamer_2k4
June 26th, 2015, 12:54 AM
It's pretty rough. For starters, you have a few really simple mistakes that could easily be fixed with a once-over: an instance of "Detox" rather than "De-tox" is one example; "any way" instead of "anyway" is another, and "mam" instead of "ma'am" is a third. You're also missing or adding quotation marks where they should or shouldn't be.

Next, you have an off-putting blend of casual and formal writing. "I guess I'll just pop in," for example, sounds very uncharacteristic of a denizen of a dark, apocalyptic land. "Just messed up things" is also a very flippant way to refer to a foreboding landscape.

Third, there's a lot of waste and redundancies in your writing style, and it makes the prose harder to follow. Consider this revision of your opening paragraph:

The deem-dark-realm of Terra was not a place to go looking for anything. It was too distant from its sun to receive any light, and omens and premonitions were nonexistent. However, it was filled with treasures and riches. They say the greater the reward, the more likely one is to lose one's life over it in Terra, a maxim undoubtedly inspired by the warring Trollars and dangerous beasts.
Though the land had long since been abandoned by civilization, remnants of their advanced findings littered the landscape. Millennia of unnatural science, magic, and alchemical experiments had left millions of unimaginable artifacts and happenings scattered throughout the place.

Sure, it has my own personal flavor to it, but it's also more concise than the rambling, disjointed opening you offered.

Fourth, there's a lot of telling, and not a lot of showing. When you mention the "unimaginable and unreasonable things," you're missing out on a great opportunity to actually present the reader with some of those things. Is there decrepit machinery? Boiling neon rivers and pools? Traces of runes scarring the landscape like the Nazca lines? Fantastic skeletons? Be specific, and you'll create a more engaging world.

Another instance of too much telling is "De-tox didn't like the sound of this," and especially the paragraph after that. All that information about De-tox is just dumped on us, without any context or real reason to offer it at that point.

Finally, your grammar could use a lot of work. It takes effort getting through your writing, since you're missing punctuation all over the place. Consider the last line: "So what if we destroy his son? That only gets us in trouble." Simply adding a question mark makes it much clearer (and correct). You also have mixed tenses ("She said than looks up."), among other grammatical errors. The vague writing combined with the poor grammar makes this excerpt very difficult to read.

Do you have good ideas? It seems like it, from what I can gather here. However, as I told you a few years ago when you first showed up, the difference between published writers and perpetual journeymen is the "ability to remember what word goes where." If you can't present your ideas in a way that resonates with readers, it doesn't matter if you've got the the most profound thoughts since Aristotle; nothing is going to come of them. Read a lot and write a lot, and your skills are bound to improve.

kunox
June 26th, 2015, 01:03 AM
kind of what I am doing.. the problem is the reading part but I am working on that... need to learn to focus..... I am writing to learn.. because If I didn't put anything out I wouldn't get any critique at all.

Sulieman
June 28th, 2015, 12:33 AM
What Gamer 4k said, is what you should be learning from. That is excellent advise, and I'd advise you to read plenty of novels around the subject. That is for me too as well. I'm gonna go indepth and tell you where things need to be edition.

The deem-dark-realm of Terra was not a place to go looking for anything. For one it was too far away from its sun to get light and even worse yet, you can’t see your own future even if you were clairvoyant. This place had many treasures and riches. They say the greater the reward the more likely one is to lose one's life over it in Terra, and that’s a fact, because this place also had many dangerous warring Trollars and beast of many types.The land had been abandoned by civilized people for the longest time and had remnants of their advanced findings all over the landscape. You could find million of unimaginable and unreasonable or just messed up things happening in this post apocalyptic place. Mainly because of all of the unnatural science, magic, or alchemy experiments that had taken place here.The only people to even would come here were the Anti-Fates and there were only two reasons they came here. One was not be disturbed when they plan something’s undoing. The other was to heal and bask in the energies from the lightless moon.

Ok, so firstly what I've done is jumbled up the three paragraphs and it is a confusing mess. You are going into the telling mode, because what you have is certainly good - but three paragraphs to describe Terra? Don't do that - its too much for me. There's far better ways
of revealing it through subtle hints.

The deem-dark-realm of Terra was not a place to go looking for anything(Brilliant, fine, a really good opening sentence that helps to draw the reader in). For one it was too far away from its sun to get light and even worse yet, you can’t see your own future even if you were clairvoyant( Again, this is going good, keep at it). This place had many treasures and riches( This is where you are losing focus - if it dangerous, what is dangerous about it? I know you go into it, but treasures and riches can be put in later). They say the greater the reward the more likely one is to lose one's life over it in Terra(You've already said it with future stuff, so its only repititon), and that’s a fact, because this place also had many dangerous warring Trollars and beast of many types.The land had been abandoned by civilized people for the longest time and had remnants of their advanced findings all over the landscape. (Again, only add if revelant).

So lets have a look this time what I've improved this on:

The deem-dark-realm of Terra was not a place to go looking for anything. For one it was too far away from its sun to get light and even worse yet, you can’t see your own future even if you were clairvoyant. It is a world barren with danger, with no hope. Terra had long been abandoned by its original inhabitants, so one couldn't establish whether barbarians had populated the lands with their ilk. Millions of horrible, unreasonable things could be found happening in this messed up world.

Do you see how I've improved it? I've shortened the words because they are too long - and think of better ways of telling something. I've showed here where you were telling. See with the likley bit - too many words, too much. I've said - no hope, barren. That puts something into the reader's mind. You're telling a story as well as painting a picture - make the reader see that picture. The land has been - I shortened it and said 'long been abandoned by its original' - which is a good phase to use actually. I've used the horrible bit to make it revelant towards how the story is constructed - towards what Terra actually feels like.

She wasn’t a newcomer to the darker places that were on the back side of reality - this is perfect, love this sentence.

“It’s a good thing I’m already an insomniac any way.” She thought to herself as she kept on guard for Trollars or Dark Sci Priest.
“Well, I hoped to find them over here, but they must have gone on to castle wall. I guess I’ll just pop in and see.”

Two problems, A) Its casual, B) Its telling me too much.

So think of how to improve this and how to EXPRESS this in a revealing manner.

For example:


'Its a good thing I'm insomanic in a way,' She thought to herself, keeping alert as anything could happen, and receiving visits from Trollars was not exactly pleasant.

In that way, I've got your sentence down to a bare minium. Only write what is relevant. Notice I've used keeping alert as anything could happen, I don't know who the trollars or dark sci priests are - but I've added an element to the Trollars - not exactly pleasant - this means that to the reader, to you,to me, to anyone that the Trollars aren't something you want to be with. I've bascially just shown the reader what makes them so bad. Instead if you tell them there was this dark sci priest(which sounds a awesome name by the way), and don't add anything - then what is the point? :confused:, if you add your races to a fantasy world - make sure that they have some purpose. Obviously I'd write a little more - but this is to give you an example.


The area around Detox washed away and a castle appeared behind her as well as many different demons and storm crows. They all stood to attention and one asked if De-tox needed anything.“Yes, I am looking for my friends and associates. Have you seen them?” She said as one of the storm crows walked up to her and says. “They are inside trying to decide what to do since the Anti-Fate De-plight has been destroyed. They said if you showed up to inform you that the Ex-Fate Truth was the one that destroyed your cousin.”
De-tox didn’t like the sound of this. She balled up her fist and then grunted. “Thank you I hope to hear from you again. Since you are the most special voices I have ever heard in my head and will be remembered.”
The demons and storms crows didn’t react to this statement. They were used to the fact that De-tox thought the voices in her head were real, but thought people in real life where fake and imaginary. This was not the thing to worry about around an Anti Fate as back stabbing as De-tox. That is if you dared to tick her off. She was known for her skin, which was green and blue and she could poison you with just one touch.


Ok before we go on, this just sounds too basic. I mean if Terra is dangerous, let us assume, why then would the demons and storm crows help her? If that is what the scene is intending - then explain it better. What are they serving for, what is their goal? This is confusing, the 'area around Detox' washed away. I don't understand what this means - what is it telling me? You could much write better in two three sentences- or four max.

Here's an improved version:

The castle appeared as the crows cawed, their notices echoing in the pathetic grey sky. Demons and storm crows guarded the gates, standing to attention as they noticed Detox's slow movements. One of the storm crows asked, ' Halt, state your meaning to come here at once'. Detox glared at the arrogant crow and swallowed her pride, thinking to herself, don't stress yourself, there's always a next time. 'I am looking for my friends and associates that have seem to have disappeared. Have you seen them?'. One of the storm crows approached to her and nodded. ' They are inside the castle my lady, trying to decide what to do since the Anti-Fate-De Plight has been destroyed. My instructions were to tell you that if you showed up, the message is that the ex-fate-truth was the he one that destroyed your cousin. My heartfelt aplogies goes to you my lady,' The crow said as he bowed. Detox nodded back in return, but tried to hide her emotions. ' Thank you for your message, now am I going to enter the castle?'.
'Of course my lady, come this way, ' the crow shuffled his feet.

Do you see what I've done? I've set the tone of the scene, provided relevant description, I've focused it on more than Detox than anything else. I've used the word 'approached', think of using these words to cut in aimless filler. That is something you don't want to do. I've given you enough from where you need to change and edit the scene - think of powerful, big impacting words that make their revelance on the story. Your story has got to demand the reader's attention and keep it. That's the most simplest thing. Think of improvising, now I don't know what the story is - it is enjoyable - but only needs polishing, editing and to get to the reader the point across.

The thing you're doing is writing three extra paragraphs for one small thing. Don't focus on trivial - think practical. Where there are too many words - leave them out. They're not needed. Don't write filler, aim for more powerful, punchier sentences that bring a impact on the reader. And remember if you write - write for yourself, and then make sure you write a good story that's readable and enjoyable.


I hope it helps!

kunox
June 29th, 2015, 08:53 PM
ty.. guys. I realize a little more about what I need to do.. not sure I exactly got it but I am sure If I go over it a few times and then I'll get it. a few details added.

1. in this scene de-tox{de. being an honorary title like ms. or mr.} she teleports to the castle. all fates of a certain age can do this.
2. storm crows are angelic like beings but instead of using powers of good they use there powers to through lightning and hail/wind.
3. as for the wearing trollars and sci priest. they are just noting what she was looking out for.

I will be looking to use this new information on my new book reverse 0 saga. thank you this has helped a lot

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

just curious.. is this sample any better......


Chapter Two: Red water, Swiss's Procession
The man called swiss watched his watch as he counteddown to zero. He Swiss took pride in his precision. It was a thing of beauty,his timing was as beautiful as the perfect diamond or ruby was to someone whomade jewelry. His philosophy in life was everything in it's time and a time foreverything. To him This meant everything must be in its specific place in orderfor a plan to succeed. His plans succeeded about ninety nine percent of thetime because of his persuasion. He pondered his next move as he sat in theshadows waiting for the hour mark.
The business suit wearing swiss snickered as he finallydecided to move. He went from place to place stringing factions together thathad not a clue they were being used till he had a collection of fates for hismaster the Fate of Time could use to his ends. "It is almost ready, theday the universe will be perfect for Time." the man called swissthought to himself.
Swiss was a short man who always carried an oldfashioned pocket watch. He carried it as if it was his life force. The veryessence of his being. In fact, it was. The watch itself was a good time piece,but it served as swiss's heart. It's every tick was a flow, giving him life. Hewouldn't want to be without it.
He ducked before a nearby patrol could see him. He hidin a small hill of white light like snow as he counted from ten on down. Whenhe reached one he hopped out of the snow to notice that the guards had gone. Hedashed to another hill. He did this each time and each time counting. It wouldseem more like he was following the guards more than hiding from them. Thiscontinued till on the last hill he waited as the guards walked past a darkoblisque like tower. The three guards unlocked a gate and Swiss knew this wasthe time to strike.