View Full Version : Snippet of work 2000 words (language)

June 23rd, 2015, 06:17 AM
Well, guys been working on a project, it doesn't even have a name yet. Love to here what you think so far. Content warning.

************************************************** ************************************************** *****

What is staggering about human intellect is its ability to concieve of ancient events long before that particular human ever breathed it's first breathe of air. But equally staggering is the human's inability to true judge the realavence of such fanciful utterings. So, mankind usually relicates such things to that of religion and fantasy. Little does man know of it's true past, and the very nature at which it lives.

When man first launched itself from Earth to the moon one would call that a triumph, insentive to go further, but unbeknowst to man, lurking in the shadows beyond Pluto were these constantly watching eyes. These deadly sentinal stared at the quant little ball placid dreams, knowing that one day they would come. Mankind is an infestation, from it's very beginning, as the first synapses of thought coursed through the cerebrum of this unknowing devourer of truly priceless resources. For reasons it neither knows or cares about, it seems to want everything for itself, even if it has no concievable benefit for the posession of the object. And now seemingly bored of one planet this locust swarm of what could barely be defined as a sapient being is trying to flee one feasting ground to another.

7:32:56 A.M.
8,000 meters above Surface
Pilot 1: Ok, contacts appear to be heading 315, speed 430, angels approximately 8,000.
Combat Controller: Roger, "Ace", take them north.
Pilot 2: We have to make a quick loop here.
Pilot 1: Come starboard, I'm going to give you collision here, come starboard about 40.
Pilot 1: 207, 61 Kilometers now, baring 180, angels 8, heading 330.
Pilot 1: Steady up.
Combat Controller: Alpha Brovo, is close out?
Pilot 1: Come back port, 20 degrees here. He's jinking now at us. Ok, bogies appear to be jinking to the right now, heading north, speed 430, angels 5,000 now, into decent.
Pilot 1: Ok, let's go down now, they're going down. 53 Kilometers now, bogies appear to be coming directly at us, I'm coming port, steady up 150 for 30 degree offset, 50 Kilometers.
Pilot 1: 49 Kilometers now, speed 450, angels 9, I'm going down to 3.
Pilot 2: Crossing back over.
Pilot 1: Roger that, 30 degee offset now, boggees 340, speed 500, let's accelerate.
Pilot 2: Looks like they're at 9,000.
Pilot 1: Roger, bogies jinked back into us, let's go 30 degrees to the other side.
Combat Controller: State your angels?
Pilot 1: Angels are at 11, steady up.
Hyperion: Close out, warning Yellow weapons hold, warning Yellow weapons hold, Alpha Bravo out.
Combat Controller: Alpha Bravo directs warning Yellow weapons hold.
Pilot 2: 35 Kilometers here.
Pilot 1: Roger that, bogies have jinked back into me for the 3rd time, nose is on at 35 Kilometers, angels 7.
Pilot 1: Ok, I'm taking another offcut, starboard, starboard, 210.
Pilot 1: Ok, bogies jinked back into me for the 4th time, coming back port, 27 Kilometers, bogies at 7,000 meters.
Hyperion: Watch out bogies 135.50, angel 16, heading 340.
Combat Controller: Roger, same bogies.
Pilot 1: Ok, boggee have jinked back into me for the 5th time, they're on my nose now, inside of 20 Kilometers, master arm on, master arm on.
Pilot 2: Red light, green light.
Pilot 1: Ok, centering up the "T", bogie has jinked back into me again, 16 Kilometers, center of the dot.
Combat Controller: Say your angels.
Pilot 1: I'm at angels 5, nose up.
Combat Controller: no, his angels.
Pilot 1: angels are at 9.
Combat Controller: Alpha Bravo from 207.
Pilot 1: 13 Kilometers, Fox 1!
Pilot 2: Braking right.
Pilot 1: 10 Kilometers, he's back on my nose, Fox 1 again.
Pilot 2: Watching them up.
Pilot 1: 6 Kilometers.
Pilot 2: Tally 2, tally 2, turning into me.
Pilot 1: Roger that, 5 Kilometers, 4 Kilometers.
Pilot 2: Ok, he's got a missile off.
Pilot 1: Braking right.
Pilot 2: Good hit, good hit on 1.
Pilot 1: Roger that, get 2, get 2!
Pilot 2: I got the other one, he's coming around hard, oh, fuck me!.
Pilot 1: Get the 2nd one.
Pilot 2: I got the 2nd one on the nose right now.
Pilot 1: Ok, I'm high cover on you... lock him up, lock him up, select Fox 2.
Pilot 2: I can't, I don't have a fucking tone.
Pilot 1: Good kill! Good Kill!
Pilot 2: Ok, Mistro let's head north.
Pilot 1: Port side, high, I'm coming down hard, let's go north, hit the deck, unload, 500 knots, let's get out of here!
Combat Controller: We're registering a splash 160 at 96.
Pilot 1: Let's go Muster, down to 500, let's get out of here.
Combat Controller: The second is north, just to the right of the first splash.
Pilot 1: Roger, two UFOs splashed.

Harper J. Cole
June 28th, 2015, 06:26 PM
First part reminds me a little of The War of the Worlds, which is no bad thing. I found the second part harder to follow, perhaps because I don't know the military aviation jargon.

"ever breathed it's first breathe of air"
"Little does man know of it's true past,"

/\ There shouldn't be apostrophes here, only when "it's" is short for "it is". I always used to make this mistake; the way I remember it is to think of the possessive "its" as equivalent to "his" and "hers", which also don't take apostrophes.

June 29th, 2015, 11:09 PM
Thanks for the response, I was going for more Lovecraft but having it compared to Wells makes me blush too. The second part was an attempt to not do the cliché of SciFi dogfights looking like WW2 dogfights. That was heavily based off of a recording of the 4 January, 1989 Gulf of Sidra Incident. Plus, seeing that pilots talk a lot, I was experimenting with letting a conversation tell a action story.

Your not being able to even follow it shows that it needs a rewrite.