View Full Version : Unrequited

June 21st, 2015, 08:45 PM
A story I dedicate to my own personal feelings. Sorry it's short... I don't do as well with happier stories so please let me know what you think...

She stared at him sitting next to her in the church pew; his dark curly hair had been recently cut off, leaving behind a dark buzz cut. His green eyes still glittered with the same happiness she had seen the week before, and his beard was still untrimmed and wild. His usual pale skin was interrupted by a slight red tint that now covered his cheeks. His body was covered in a simple shirt that had a "humorous" Star Wars figure on it, and he wore khakis instead of his usual athletic shorts. His shoes were newer too as if he had completely replaced his old running shoes that he had worn for months.

Sighing, the girl tried to focus back in on the Pastor, but she found herself continuously being distracted by his constant shifting. She found herself annoyed with her feelings for him and tried to focus her attention on other things. The white walls held the usual pictures of Jesus, and the red carpets were as clean as the day she had first stepped into the church. She could remember the day as if it had happened merely hours ago. The day her heart felt truly lightened from the weight of her past.

That day happened months ago, when the girl texted the boy and asked him how one could start going to church. He replied that she should come to his and to meet him at 9:30. She had been nervous, of course; she hadn't even stepped into a church in months. Recently, she had decided she truly did believe unlike the months before when she felt uncertain and lost. Shaking she met him outside of the building which had been added to over the years. He gently invited her in and guided her down the stairs to the basement of the church. For the first time her heart began to feel lighter as she looked around the room covered with bible verses. Glancing around the Sunday School room she saw a table and chairs, a blue couch with a few stains, a loveseat which showed it's old age proudly, and a pew. Eyes stared at her before mouths greeted her happily.

On the pew sat a girl who was younger than her by a few years. Eagerly the brown haired girl patted the place next to her. "Hello Hope," The girl, who she now remembered as Janet said.

"Hi," Hope mumbled, still taking in the room around her.

Taking a deep breath she found herself feeling at home in the small room, and she began to silently thank the boy for asking her here. She would grow to feel that the church was apart of her, and she would feel her feelings for the boy grow with each passing week. Who is he? He was simply her own personal super hero. His name was Arthur, and even with his faults, he was the best person in the world to young Hope. Her world was beginning to look optimistically instead of how she saw it in the past. Her feelings for the world were no longer dull and filled with despair, but she was filled with love that would never be unrequited.

Harper J. Cole
June 21st, 2015, 09:23 PM
That was a nice story of belonging. You set the scene and showed your character's feelings well.

One thing I'd say is to watch out for repetitions of words as they can break the flow of the piece for the user, e.g. in the 2nd paragraph "the day" appears three times in quick succession, and in the final paragraph "feel her feelings" is a bit awkward.

Incidentally, if you like writing stories of this length, there are short story writing contests every month here; check out the Literary Maneuvers subforums.

June 22nd, 2015, 07:00 AM
Thank you for the feedback! I appreciate it! I've been trying to work on depicting my characters better and description. Once I am comfortable writing again I may check out the subforum you have mentioned!

January 3rd, 2016, 06:48 PM
This was rather nice. I second the recommendation to the short story contests, they're a great way to grow even if you don't win.

As for the story, despite changing some repetitions you have the marks of a good piece. I especially liked the ending and felt it gave the piece an overall "happy" glow.

Good work!