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View Full Version : First Post - Suzie's Reflection (~450 Words)



T. John. C.
June 19th, 2015, 08:19 PM
Hey guys, this is something little I put together today in the little time I had free from work. Let me know what ya think. Feedback appreciated!

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When Cameron walked out onto the dewy grass, the cool air slid across her skin, raising the hairs on her arm. “Suzie!” She scanned the yard only to find nothing. A few more steps towards the lake and she tried again. “Suzie!” Nothing.
For most parents this would bring an onset of horrified emotions. My kids been taken. She’s fallen into the lake. Grabbed by bigfoot. No. Cameron knew Suzie isn’t that curious.
She normally walks down to the lake and dips her feet. She chases the tadpoles around with the occasional success. She would come running home screaming mommy mommy look.
The minuscule creature flops around begging for life. “Suzie put it back. It needs to be in the water.”
“Suzie! It’s time for bed!” Still nothing. What the hell? Cameron now only a few feet away from the lake now was a little worried. She wasn’t in her usual spot. Instead she saw a small size 3 sneaker near the bank.
As she lunged for the shoe her breath had escaped her lungs. Free to run as the wind picked up and carried it away. Her knees hit the bank and her leggings were soaked.
Right before she felt the canvas of the small right-foot nike it was yanked into the deep body of the lake. No. “Suzie! Suzie!”
Back to her feet she started a trip around the lake. Looking for anything that would lead her to her daughters location. The wind started to pick up, rustling the trees and giving the water a reason to dance.
The panic had set in and as she reach the other side of the lake she saw a small shadow at the edge of the water. She got closer and began to recognize the bare right foot, the baby blue dress with white trim, and the white head band. It’s her!
Tears ran down her face and she began to shake. “Baby it’s going to be alright. I’m here. It’s okay.” Suzie didn’t say anything. Cameron ran her fingers through Suzie’s hair and hugged her tightly. “Suzie what’s wrong?” Still nothing.
The water drew her attention and she looked petrified. She would not move. She would not speak. She would not even look at Cameron. “Hunny what is it?”
She looked down into the water. It was hard to see but there’s something there. She saw a vague silhouette moving slowly. It started to grow and become more dense.
She leaned towards the lake to get a better look. What the- The water erupted into both of them as a white bony hand reached out abruptly, grabbing a hold of Cameron around the throat.

Harper J. Cole
June 19th, 2015, 08:28 PM
Interesting; it makes me think of horror movie teasers, when the monster is glimpsed killing someone at the start of the movie to set the tone.

One thing I'd say is that you switched between past and present tenses a bit (e.g. "Cameron knew Suzie isn’t that curious.")

HC

T. John. C.
June 19th, 2015, 09:27 PM
I have seemed to struggle with tenses. Even in my creative writing class in college that was my only flaw in the story I wrote. Any suggestions on ways to notice or should I just be more aware? I guess I get so caught up in writing and thinking what's next I don't pay attention. Thank you for the feed back though, I do very much appreciate it.

Silence
June 19th, 2015, 09:44 PM
I have the same problem with tenses. My stories are full of them. One thing I was told here is to read books and try to spot the tenses. You could also get someone to proof read your stories for you.

T. John. C.
June 22nd, 2015, 08:44 PM
Great recommendations. Thanks Silence!

jambleshiroshima
September 2nd, 2015, 12:08 AM
A couple minor things.


My kids been taken - My guess is it should be "kid's" as in "My kid has been taken".


She normally walks down to the lake and dips her feet. She chases the tadpoles around with the occasional success. She would come running home screaming mommy mommy look.
The minuscule creature flops around begging for life. “Suzie put it back. It needs to be in the water.”
“Suzie! It’s time for bed!” Still nothing. What the hell? Cameron now only a few feet away from the lake now was a little worried. She wasn’t in her usual spot. Instead she saw a small size 3 sneaker near the bank. - Here I just have a little bit of a problem figuring out what should be happening and what really is happening in the story, just because there isn't really any transition between what would normally be happening and then what's goin' on for real.


As she lunged for the shoe her breath had escaped her lungs. Free to run as the wind picked up and carried it away. Her knees hit the bank and her leggings were soaked.
Right before she felt the canvas of the small right-foot nike it was yanked into the deep body of the lake - Now that I'm already enveloped in the story I'm in a state of dismay because I don't understand what's going on here. As this is a pretty intense scene, make sure your reader can understand what's going on. I for one really want to picture this because it's an awesome short story, but I just don't.

Other than that, nothing wrong with this story! It's delightful to read, and satisfyingly short. I can say that I've read something worthwhile without being daunted by number of words and in a small amount of time. Good luck with all that you plan to do!