View Full Version : July, 2006 (458 words)

June 17th, 2015, 07:41 PM
The proud pine trees cast a cool shade and the dog found that shade to be inviting.

The sound of the explosions in the distance did not affect the dog anymore. It had gone deaf and found that life was better that way. Being deaf in this land is a blessing - an evolution. Many go through life wishing they were deaf, blind, mute, because the senses are gates through which disgrace can walk in. One cannot be insulted if one cannot hear.

As the dog lay in the shade, it watched the clouds of smoke appear in the distance, shooting upwards from the concrete buildings of the city, followed a few seconds later by a shockwave that momentarily squeezed the heart.

Leila appeared with his leash. Her lips were moving and the dog knew that she must be speaking softly - as she has always done.

She sat down next to her dog in the foliage, her back against the bark of the pine tree, and gently stroked the golden retriever’s soft head.

She watched the bombs go off in the distance - her parents had told her to stay inside but she knew better. Those bombs weren’t after her.

What a strange thing, though, to be in a country where attackers differentiate between neighborhoods and street, between brothers and families, when it comes to dealing death.

Another bomb went off, startling her. She thought she’d be used to their insulting thunderous sound by now, two weeks in.

One could never get used to the symphony of death.

She took a ripe red apple out of her pouch and bit into it.

Somewhere in the distance, someone would never eat an apple again. Someone, not her.

Her phone beeped.

A text.

“There will be a cease fire tonight. Do you want to go out?”

Leila texted back “yes :) let’s go to Gemmayzeh.”

The party would go on forever, because although she might die tomorrow, her country would not.

That’s the way things are in Lebanon, this little speck of dust in the nose of so many nations.

It is a country that consumes its inhabitants until they, in turn, begin consuming each other.

It is a country consumed by enemies from without and within. It is a country that is schizophrenic.

The fact that she was safe at the moment was due to her being born twenty kilometers to the east. Had she been born to the west, today’s war would have been against her.

But today’s war isn’t against her. Her turn will come, as the endless carousel spins, but it wasn’t her turn today.

She snapped the leash onto the dog’s collar and walked to her car

Tonight, like yesterday, she’d party like there’s no tomorrow.

Who knows what tricks deceitful tomorrow brings.

June 18th, 2015, 02:11 PM
Hi hhourani,

I am unsure about this one. Somehow, this appears to me as a pamphlet disguised as a short story.
It lacks a plot I think.

The whole piece is kinda loose and unorganised, resulting in train of thougts that passes by without arising curiosity. It left me kinda unstatisfied, for I felt like I was jumping between petty details of someone's life and the big picture of a nations' conflict and how it influences its inhabitants.

I like your incinsive language, though and I believe that your story could have grasped me better if it had some more structure.


June 20th, 2015, 09:40 PM
Thanks for the candid feedback, Donald. This piece is one of my first attempts to tackle a genre outside of horror/fantasy/sci-fi and to be honest I've been trying to delete it from the forum, unsuccessfully, because it feels stale.

I appreciate you taking the time to review it though.

July 8th, 2015, 06:28 PM
I feel that it was just very bare. Like a skeleton. Give it more meat, flesh and muscle before adding the final clothing, finite details and such. There was a substantial lack of plot but the stylr of writing is workable. Just add more detail, especially into your sentences they were very lack lustre

August 29th, 2015, 03:36 PM
I like the simple details.
Was this part of a cellphone novel?

August 30th, 2015, 07:26 PM
In all honesty I thought the dog was much more interesting than Leila.

It might be worth revisiting this story but completely from the dog's point of view.

Just a thought.


August 31st, 2015, 06:13 PM
The transition of the POV didn't do it for me. I think you stick to one point of view throughout the whole thing.

The Black Sheep
December 9th, 2015, 11:31 PM
The simplicity of the writing and details is interesting, but I feel that you maybe could have gotten more intricate. Maybe more descriptions to vary the style?

Wandering Man
December 9th, 2015, 11:52 PM
I liked it for what it was, simple, here and now. POV didn't bother me, as it seemed the place was the main character, not the dog or the person.