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Riptide
June 12th, 2015, 06:49 AM
Well, it's not finished, but it's a start. I guess I'll write it in segments straight into here when I get the inspiration to finish it. I'm guessing he'll meet many on his travels until he gets his birthright.


High and nigh, Charlie looked all over the sky. On the horizon rose a blimp, a silver lining far from reach. He skipped about, heading with a grin that way. Green meadows topped in sandy dunes, and rocky paths, flanked my snow capped mountains, and tiny mounds, it didn't matter the terrain, since that was his cloud. His fluffy cloud rimmed golden in sunlight. His birthright.

Not too far from his previous post, he spotted a woman, proud and tall. Her dressed flowed in the dirt as she looked him up and down. "Dirty boy, stand ten feet that way." A delicate finger pointed past a ridge. He obliged. She was noble, if the purple was any sign.

Her bun done up high, she sashayed her bum down the road. It was a sight, and then she fell. Charlie snorted with a puff of dust, her evil eyes landing on him from behind the rocky ledge. He gulped while she rose. Her purple dress cut short, fabric torn, and color stained. She growled, like any mutt would.

"I'm sorry, miss," he said with a bow. His hair fell over his eyes, and for second he was blind. With rising panic, he cried, "Where's the sun!"
But soon a wind blew, returning his sight. He sighed. "Never mind, my mistake. For a second everything turned red. What a relief, right miss?" He nodded and turned to leave, caught surprised when, like an uncoiled snake, she snagged his wrist. Flying back, he crashed into the grainy road. Mud, dirt, and, sand cut him up, stinging his flesh with wounds. Bloody smeared through his clothes.

"Yes?"

High and Mighty towered over him, her face pinched pink, and fumes of mint from her crooked teeth. "You street rat, hand me all you got."

"All I got?"

"Money!" She shook him. His head whipped forward and back until he pushed away.

"I have a few coins. Here, take them if you want." He fished through his pockets, emerging a dime and a nickel. "It's all I got, but you can keep it."

She sneered and snatched his coins. With a grunt, she left him.

"I have all I need, at least when I reach that cloud." He smiled and stood. She was gone when He looked down the beaten path. Not a street rat, per se, maybe a road rat, or a wanderer. Charlie nodded, heading back towards his mountain tip. His birthright.

Leonodas
June 15th, 2015, 02:38 AM
It certainly leaves more questions than answers. It deserves a couple of re-readings, perhaps something of a follow-up. Interesting, nonetheless. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but is there some kind of commentary/symbolism going on with the way things are described?

apsm
June 15th, 2015, 05:16 AM
I am not certain what is supposed to begoing on so far, though chalk that up to me not usually reading stories like this and if you are adding more to the story soon, then I'm sure there will be elaboration. I can see that you might be going for a surrealist story with the atmosphere of his surroundings and how the woman's actions feel very sudden and random. You do seem to establish character: the boy treasures his 'cloud' more than anything, and he's a bit simple-minded (I assume this because he thought he was blind because the hair got into his eyes). However, I do think you need to clean up some spelling mistakes (“dressed”should be “dress” and “my snow” should be “by snow”).


I think I need more of the story beforeI can critique it better, but I am curious to see where this is going.

troughs
June 18th, 2015, 08:39 PM
I loved this. A quick suggestion may be to begin the second paragraph with 'he spotted a woman,' since the story already begins with (what I understand to be) a passive sentence.

lzbeth97
June 21st, 2015, 08:17 PM
I love the idea of the story and how it flows; however, I find an issue with the coins being described as a dime and a nickel. When is this particular piece set? Where is it set? I'm unsure... Great work otherwise... The other reviews seem to have other things I wanted to mention. Farewell and continue writing!