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View Full Version : Sky Pushers (first chapter workings 411 words)



Gillmanjoe
June 10th, 2015, 07:23 AM
This is the beginning of a teen/young adult book that I started tonight.
It's called Sky Pushers, it's based on a dream I have had at least 10 times, I had it again last night and decided maybe it needed to be put into a book.
the story is about Jakob Milo a teen who is a shy loner, eventually itll be up to him to help save the planet, helping an ancient race of beings known as the Sky Pushers.
I won't go into more detail because im working it out.

im working on the first chapter. I have never written a book like this, most of what I do is poetry and folklore.

let me know what you think, thank you!






Jakob just sat there, surrounded by boxes he had yet to unpack. His emotions were still numb, but he could not do anything about it. Moving to the middle of nowhere was definitely not his idea; he would rather be back in the suburban home he had grown accustom to, the one that he had grown up in. It just felt off being in an unfamiliar place, and it even made him a bit nervous.


He looked around the room, still discovering the nooks and crannies of the place. He could see that the wallpaper was browning from age, and the baseboards needed a cleaning. The hardwood floors were cold on his legs, but the sun shining through the old dusty window warmed the rest of his body, giving him that weird goosebumpy feeling, which he secretly liked.
“Are you just going to sit there, or are you going to unpack?” Jakob’s mom poked her head in the door startling Jakob.
Still sitting there in his new room Jakob looked up at her with a shrug and a smirk, “Eventually”.
“I know it’s going to take a while to adjust to this new house, but it is for the best.” Jakob’s mom assured him, knowing her son was still upset with the move.
“I know” Jakob responded quietly.
He knew she was right, no matter how much he missed the old place. He did kind of like the quiet. He didn’t have to hear constant traffic or police sirens racing off to catch someone. The only thing he could hear were the birds outside and the distant chatter of what he assumed were squirrels, but he wasn’t sure.

See, Jakob’s parents had bought this old house to move out of the city. The town they had once lived it had started to become overrun with drugs and riddled with street gangs, the town was becoming shambles, and it was just time to move. The best idea they could come up with was to move to the countryside. Besides, there aren’t any street gangs hiding in the woods or in trees, or at least they didn’t think so.

The property was massive, possibly 100 acres of unexplored woods, and god knows what. There was an old red barn on the property, along with a million trees or so. Jakob had yet to explore the area, he was kinda afraid to, nervous, anxious, but at the same time, he had the urge to.

Dove
June 11th, 2015, 12:52 PM
Moves too fast for me and jumps a bit too much.

Sitting down heavily Jakob surveyed the unopened boxes around him. They were scattered carelessly across the hardwood floor, a perfect reflection to his jumbled thoughts. If he wasn't here already he'd have thought moving to the middle of nowhere some sick joke. The suburban town of XX was his home. He had grown up there and had felt as comfortable in the bustling town as one would feel in their own skin. Now it felt if someone had literally plunked him in someone else's life. This wasn't him. This wasn't his life. Being so utterly uprooted made him nervous.


That sort of thing.

You have a good read but there's part where one goes huh... like looking around the room discovering nooks and crannies. Unless it's an open planned house generally a room has four walls, floor & ceiling. Unless the old furniture was left behind or the walls have the old 1800s literal nooks carved into them [and that is an OLD design] there's no nooks nor crannies. It's a cliched line used a million times over.

LizzAquarian
June 11th, 2015, 03:28 PM
I get the feeling this is better left as a draft or brainstorming page for later use. It lacks detail that makes it real. It's hard to take seriously as a reader when the mysteriousness of the property itself is described as "possibly 100 acres" with "a million trees or so." Where are they? What kind of native trees and accompanying expanse of natural wooded space would they be geographically? It would then be a good platform to jump off and explain the comparison of where he is from and his feelings about the new digs. Just thoughts.

Velvet0Alchemy
June 11th, 2015, 03:48 PM
I think it jumps into why they moved in a strange way. I moved a lot as a kid/teen, and I never wanted to agree with the reasons given. It was never "oh, yeah, we needed to." Even when I wanted to be positive, it came back to missing my friends, missing band, the distance from my house to the library, the nice old lady who gave me sewing supplies, etc., even though it was a drug infested gang town. I understand everyone is different, but I'm pretty sure your character would be reflecting a little more on what he left behind, giving needed detail into who he is and what he came from.

Gillmanjoe
June 12th, 2015, 12:50 AM
yes it is a rough draft lol, I was just brainstorming with this short little bit.

the last two or three paragraphs were just notes, not the actual spot...thats why it is written oddly.

A lot of myself is reflected in the character, especially with the moving bit, i moved quite a bit as well as a kid, and those were my feelings.


I will take everything everyone has said into account, thanks.

TKent
June 12th, 2015, 01:14 AM
Hey Gillmanjoe,

I really like getting that first paragraph down as well, even if it changes entirely when it is edited. So great start!

The nooks and crannies did stick out a bit for me. As did the fact that his leg was cold. If it was his feet, I wouldn't need any explanation but if it really is his leg, I'd need a visual that has him spread out on the floor or something.