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Elyon
June 2nd, 2015, 03:49 PM
The Forgotten

Warmth, the very fiber of life itself. To have life warmth, fire, even a spark must have taken place in order to create life. This is a universal truth that is held dear to all the understand the life itself. But could life be created, even for a moment with the absence of warmth, fire or spark? Many have tried many experiments hoping to create life, many of them were horrible but to create life without any of the matierials to create life....

"The lab is very quiet tonight, I wonder who is here besides the security guards. " Those words passed through the mind of a young asian laboratory techincian as he continued to read charts before him. After a short while he lifted his head and rubbed his neck, looking around the large and industrial lab. The walls were covered in dull stainless steel and various machines that creaked and moaned throughout the lab. "The lab is dreary tonight, or maybe that is my eyes finally failing me from reading charts for so long." The young lab tech. laughed as the thought passed through his mind.

"I guess it is time for a break, before I start looking like a chart. "

The man got up out of his desk and walked towards the very large steel door that was always guarded by a couple Security guards. The man knocks on the door to alert the security guards behind the door before speaking. "It is Lab Tech. Ralph, going to take a break. " Ralph heard minor bickering behind the massive door before it is suddenly opened. Ralph sees the usual security guards, guarding the door, Louis and Heath. For the life of them they could not see eye to eye on anything and often could be heard bickering from inside of the lab itself.

"Enjoy your break Mr. Koto, let me know when you wish the come in again." The tall dark skin security guard named Louis spoke before Heath said a side remark and the two got at it again. Ralph shook his head smiling before walking to the break room. Ralph pulled out his I.D card and swiped the vending machine infront of him to get a candy bar. When he reached inside of the machine to get the candy bar he felt a cold shiver go down his spine and very lightly, so softly that if a pen dropped you would miss it, a word breezed into his ears from a language he had never heard before. Ralph quickly grabbed the candy bar and pulled it out of the machine before sitting down far away from the vending machine. His mind quickly dismissed the notion of something unnatural occuring.

"It was probably just my mind telling me to go home and get some rest." He said before nervously laughing and eating his candy bar. He cleared his mind of what just happened and began to focus on more important matters, trying to find a break through. "We need to get a home run here soon or Wellsoft is gonna cut our funding and disband Project Frost." His mind mentally raced through all of the information he had gotten today from the charts. He held his head low as he still had gotten no new break through yet in his part in well over 8 months of reading charts and studying the data and information given to him. He knew that after a year with no break through they would be cut, it was just the nature of the business. He let his thoughts sink in about the project being cut before throwing his candy wrapper away and heading back in the lab to his seat.

As he sat down the cold shiver returned and went down his spine slowly as if a cold hand ran down his spine. Ralph quickly turned his head behind and found nothing. For the next hour the feeling came and went every few minutes and whispers would come from one direction then from another direction a few moments later. Ralph knew right then that something was.....off. Ralph quickly got up and turned on a few more lights nearby his desk. To his surprise everything looking in order and nothing looked out of place. This unnerved him even more, as he slowly walked around the large lab turning on lights. All kind of thoughts raced through his mind most of them of fear and of leaving the lab and finding a new job but something in the back of his mind told him to stay. The feeling of staying in his mind felt like a dam falling in a rapid before stopping the flow entirely. All he wanted to do was stay, and discover what is going on.

"If Project Frost is a bust then maybe what ever is going on won't be. Something is going on and I will find it and understand it. I won't let our time be in vain." He continues to turn on all the lights on the desks and check under and around them until the whole lab is checked. Everything is in order, nothing has been changed....or has it. As he takes his seat back at his desk, feeling like a complete idiot, he felt something like someone wrapping their arms around his neck from the back in a tender embrace before saying the most clearest word he had ever heard in his life.

"Run."

As he got up and turned around he saw nothing but his body felt off before he heard the same voice again. This time he could make out the gender, it was female.

"Run or Die......Ralph."

When he heard her say his name dropped to his knees in terror before quickly getting up and running to the door and banging on it telling Louis and Heath to open the door. The door is quickly opened before Ralph runs though and pressed the door closed himself. "There is something in there....I don't know what but I am not going back in there alone or with you two either. " Louis and Heath looked at each other before laughing and pointing at Ralph.

"So Mr. Koto what is in there a spooky skeleton or a teenager possessed by a demon OR MAYBE EVEN A TEENAGE GIRL POSSESSED BY A SPOOKY SKELETON. " Health blurted out causing another outrburst of laughter from Louis and Heath. Louis finally spoke after laughing again. "Go home man, the dark can play tricks on you from you hang in it. You have worked overtime this whole week leaving 2 hours early will not kill you."

GalacticInsanity
June 2nd, 2015, 05:56 PM
Hey! I'm new here, and i just wanted to say that I liked your story! If you don't mind, i have a critique or two :)

The story is good, and i like the premise. I feel like this could be the start of something really good! However I feel like it could use a bit of work, if only because some of the dialogue is stiff and doesn't really sound believable. On the other hand, your descriptions are good! I think if you re-read this out loud, you'll also catch some of the grammar and sentence structure mistakes. But I especially loved the first paragraph!

Anyway, if you'd like something more in depth i can do that! I just wanted to get something down for you (I have work in like five minutes!) Best of luck, and keep up the good work!

Elyon
June 2nd, 2015, 08:35 PM
Yeah I don't like proofreading so I just write down as much as a can post and eventually I get around to proofreading(I really suck at it). Thank you for your comment and I would love an indepth critique about the beginning of this short story. It should have about 7 parts but it will be done.

GalacticInsanity
June 3rd, 2015, 02:20 AM
Okay, I'll start on the in-depth one now!

Repetition
I don't think I mentioned this in my initial critique, but here we go.


Many have tried many experiments hoping to create life, many of them were horrible but to create life without any of the matierials to create life....

So I noticed you tend to repeat things a lot, which is probably because you don't really proofread all that much. Either way, just keep an eye out for that as you write. In this case, you can always do the old synonym switch, or simply edit out words. Here, you repeat 'to create life' and 'many'. So yeah, just keep an eye out for that sort of thing!


Ralph pulled out his I.D card and swiped the vending machine infront of him to get a candy bar. When he reached inside of the machine to get the candy bar...

This is basically self explanatory, but essentially this is repetition, though not as glaring. You can use pronouns for this, and instead say 'when he reached inside the machine to get it...' or something to that effect. You can switch things up!


As he sat down the cold shiver returned and went down his spine slowly as if a cold hand ran down his spine

Here's another example.


Verb Tense
Here's another thing I didn't mention, but I thought it was worth pointing out.


The man knocks on the door to alert the security guards behind the door before speaking. "It is Lab Tech. Ralph, going to take a break. " Ralph heard minor bickering behind the massive door before it is suddenly opened. Ralph sees the usual security guards, guarding the door, Louis and Heath. For the life of them they could not see eye to eye on anything and often could be heard bickering from inside of the lab itself.

As you can see, this section of the story is in present tense. Present tense is basically when the action is happening now. And here, that's fine. The only thing is, if you use present tense here, you have to use it everywhere. (Also, you switch to past tense at 'heard')


Those words passed through the mind of a young asian laboratory techincian as he continued to read charts before him. After a short while he lifted his head and rubbed his neck, looking around the large and industrial lab.

Here is past tense, a little more consistently. So I'd just suggest to pick a tense and stick with it, no matter what. Obviously you can switch it up, but only when the time is right. Like if something is in flashback, you'd switch from present to past, and etc.


Dialogue
So like I said before, some of the dialogue is a little stiff. Here's an example:


"I guess it is time for a break, before I start looking like a chart."

Thought or no, this technically counts as dialogue! So let's start here. This sentence is a little hard to understand. How would taking a break stop him from looking like a chart, versus actually seeing charts everywhere he looks? I think you mixed up the ideas here. Also, contractions like it'scould help to loosen things up. Try it out whenever you edit! ^_^


Enjoy your break Mr. Koto, let me know when you wish the come in again.

This is another example of stiff dialogue. In this case, the way it is spoken is not the way many people speak. Especially not in this case, when Louis and Heath seem to be loud and tend to argue a lot. In that case, I'd say to take out the formal language and replace it instead with something a little more casual and friendly.


"There is something in there....I don't know what but I am not going back in there alone or with you two either. "

Here's another one. This one is a little different, based more in the ideas that the person is presenting rather than the language usage itself. (Although there is some of that, too). Also, for future reference, you don't need to use more than three periods in a row. All you have to use is (...) and that is enough. Without the brackets, of course.

So the idea here is that he's not going back in there. That's the point, right? So you don't need to say that he's not going back in there 'alone'. Obviously not, if he's not going to go with the security guards as well! Mentioning both makes the dialogue seem unwieldy, like there's just too much in it to get its point across. Remember, dialogue is all about furthering the plot, not holding it back! So you could say instead 'I don't know what, but I'm not going back in there!' and leave it at that.



Sentence Structure / Grammar
Granted, we touched on this but I thought I'd give it its own section!


Ralph quickly got up and turned on a few more lights nearby his desk. To his surprise everything looking in order and nothing looked out of place.


Okay so here we go for this quote! You don't have to say 'nearby' his desk, all you need to do is say either 'nearby' or 'near his desk'. This is because nearby implies the information you provide when you say 'his desk'. Here's a link explaining the difference between near and nearby: http://www.learnersdictionary.com/qa/what-s-the-difference-between-near-and-nearby
Also, when you write, remember that verbs need to match one another. So if one is 'looked' the other has to be 'looked'. Or walked, or chose, etc. This only applies in the same sentence, pretty sure, but definitely look that up if you're still confused! My point here is that 'everything looking' is bad grammar, and needs to be rectified to 'everything looked' or 'everything seemed', etc.


When he heard her say his name dropped to his knees in terror before quickly getting up and running to the door and banging on it telling Louis and Heath to open the door.

This is a run on sentence! After awhile, sentences need to be broken up with commas, or other punctuation. So here's one way to fix it:


When he heard her say his name, he dropped to his knees in terror. He then quickly got up and ran to the door, banging on it. He was telling Louis and Heath to open up.
VS

When he heard her say his name, he dropped to his knees in terror before quickly getting up and running to the door. He banged on it, telling Louis and heath to open up.

As you can see, I tried to alleviate any repetition that could also be found here, and I tried to make the verbs match, as well as putting in punctuation that would help everything make more sense!



Anyway, that's all I've got to say on the technical stuff! Other than that, just remember to be clear (which, really, has to do with the technical stuff, so you get the point!) and PROOFREAD! If you feel you need a beta reader, definitely ask around. Like I said, I'm new, but I'm sure there are some really cool people on here! Also I didn't touch on it, but remember to check your spelling! Hope this was helpful! ^_^

GalacticInsanity
June 3rd, 2015, 02:40 AM
Just letting you know, I wrote up a reply, but it seems it was too long. I guess they're reviewing it to make sure I'm not trying to cheat the system! Anyway, I hope it gets posted up soon. It had sections and everything! Haha

Elyon
June 3rd, 2015, 04:03 AM
Thanks :), Hopefully it gets posted as I would love to see it. I also want to thank you for your time spent writing that post

GalacticInsanity
June 4th, 2015, 01:57 AM
It posted, in case you didn't see! I wouldn't have known had the mod who approved my post not told me ahead of time, haha.

Elyon
June 4th, 2015, 05:55 AM
Thank you for your critque, it means a lot and will help further my writing process. I will try not to just write and post in the future. Parts will take longer but you can at least focus on the content.

GalacticInsanity
June 6th, 2015, 12:06 AM
Well you should still post! I didn't mean for you not to (unless you meant that you'd wait a bit and proofread first, in which case-- yes!) I just wanted to give you some help! Anyway, I'm glad it helped a bit =) Best of luck!

jambleshiroshima
September 2nd, 2015, 12:47 AM
Pretty good, quite mysterious. I must admit, by the end of the piece I was a little lost on what was going on.

If you could try clearing things up in the future, explicitly giving essential details, that may be good. Besides that, there is honestly nothing I can complain about. I really like the idea of creating life, and you offer an interesting point of view on what could go wrong when humanity presses a bit too hard!

Tbird0000
September 2nd, 2015, 04:14 AM
It was good and I liked it. It was already mentioned about the proofreading but, eh, that comes at the end of a finished piece.

Last night I watched a Youtube video of a "ghost" terrorizing an empty office by moving chairs and throwing paper around. I kind of got this feel when reading this piece. Imagined on screen, I could see how this could be eerie and scary.

I like where its going.

Björn U. B.
September 30th, 2015, 02:43 PM
Hi!
Like my predecessors I think your story offers a good fundament for something bigger. Most of the things that I noticed were already mentioned. I have one thing to add though. I feel like at times you try to put too much information into one sentence. One example:

"For the next hour the feeling came and went every few minutes and whispers would come from one direction then from another direction a few moments later."

Being in a lab and suddenly hearing whispers from different sides is a very scary situation. However, because you put that much information into only one sentence, the tension does not really arise for me. I think it would be much scarier, if there would be more room between the occurrence of the first and the other whispers that the scientist hears. By slowly developing the situation in your writing you could bring about the excitement you want to create for the reader. All in all I'd suggest you give yourself more lines and more paragraphs to develop the plot and to create the mood you're seeking. I'm sorry. This is hard to put in words, but I hope I could make my point clear. If not, please tell me. Have fun with the further writing process!
Best,
Björn

Jcrazy99
October 4th, 2015, 02:27 PM
Great work, I think if you proof read and then posted you can get better informed critiques and learn more too. So give it a try and maybe even after a good proof read, if someone finds something peculiar about your work you can get more out of it.