View Full Version : 1409 words Lyrain Saga Part 3

May 23rd, 2015, 01:45 PM
-Outside of Freyja in the nearby surrounding forest-

A tall woman cloaked in a silk gown stood in the center of a large group of armed men. Despite being in such a rowdy bunch her face held no fear or discomfort as the woman stares at the large walls of Freyja from the forest. A stocky man with long black hair covered in chainmail jogs towards the woman and bows before her.

"Lady Odula we have the city surrounded, you can easily get us past the walls with your magic to launch a strike and take the city. At this time their army is not mobilized and we can take the city by nightfall. So my lady, your orders?" Odula yawned loudly before taking sip of wine from her goblet. She scans her small army of 400 men looking at each of their faces. Some of them are scared and some look ready to die for the wealth they could receive for sacking a city as large as Freyja. Thoughts flutter into her head of moments with Odgar of his resolve and strength in his younger days. 'My after all he has done I do miss him, why won't this dead man leave my brain, damn him!' Her thoughts made her face turn into a deep scowl before realizing it and changing it into a loving smile. She stands up from her throne of gold and opal and walks closer to face the stocky, long haired man. With both of her hands she cups his face in her hands and look down at him directly in his eyes. Sweat pours down the mans face as fear of Odula rocks his core at her touch.

"Vero, you have been the leader of this brigande for several years now and we have been victorious on several occasions so I trust that you could take Freyja with my help but that is not what we came here to do today. We came here for something worth more than Freyja....in there lies a very young warlock that has the potential to become a Void mage. " The men in the men in the group now whisper loudly amongst each other, mainly dicussing their outright fear of Void Mages. "We will retrieve him from the poor magic academy at Freyja and I will take him under my wing. So you ask....why did I bring you along? I am gonna need a distraction, taking Freyja would be a cake walk but stopping the resistance and holding her against reinforcements would be slim to none. I need stop to safely whisk the boy away from Freyja while it seems as if it was attacked by bandits and raiders and on fire I will have him in my grasp and I can ensure that he never leaves from there. Do you understand, Vero? This boy is worth thousands of men....don't mess this up. We don't have too many chances at this. "

Odula telepathically sent personal love and affection to all of the people in the brigande and each of them fell to their knees with large smiles on their face as if drugged. When Vero fell to the ground she turned and walked back to her throne and sipped her wine. "We strike in a hour, be ready!"


Inside of Freyja in the Warlock Barracks stood a 12 year old foreigner from the dessert kingdom of Opu. His hair was short and course like wool and his skin was the color of chocolate and he wore his blue mage robes proudly. Him and his group of 10 were lead by a Warlock Master to the classroom wing of the Mage Academy. The warlock master cleared his throat before reaching the door to the classroom.

"Class, before we enter the classroom I want each of you to know in case you did not know, Odgar Horft, the former mayor has past away last night. In a few days each of you will attend his memorial with me for the rest of the evening. Now lets begin class, everyone take their seats. " The door to the classroom is unsealed and each of the kids rush in to their seats eager to learn. All except the foreigner boy, it walked slowly to his seat which is in the back of his class away from all of the kids in the class. Many whispered to each other as he took his seat before the warlock master opened a book loudly and began to start a lesson.

'Man I wish I could just go home and ride my Lopo with my brothers instead of being in this dump. No one likes me or understands my language and I have to eat all of this weird northern food which is always cold. Why did father have to send me here..."The Opuian foreigner mind was racing with nostalgia as looked around the classroom bored. The boy was looking outside of the window of his classroom when he heard a book slam which jarred his mind and made him face the teacher. "Juri, you must pay attention and focus on the matter at hand. Everyday you don't listen and your grades show it now if you don't listen I will fail you and have Jorgan send you back to your father regardless of how he feels about this. Do you understand?" Snickers can be heard from each of the students in the room before the warlock master slams his book again and the classroom is again silent.

Juri's mind began to cloud with such warmth and love that instantly reminded him of his mother. As his mind started to cloud a voice suddenly fulled every inch of his mind. The voice was sultry and smooth and feminine but also strong and with each word spoken it hooked Juri deeper into a trance like state. After a few more moments his mental being was transported into a large golden room that appeared to be a dining room filled with golden goblets, plates with food and a large throne in the far back. On that throne stood a very tall women with a gem set golden goblet in her hand and a opal on her cornet that looked unreal in size. The boy walked closer towards the throne and the woman sitting smiled at him and spread her arms as if looking to be embraced. Juri slowly creeped forward, scared and intrigued at the same time, in his studies he had heard about mind traps but if this is one his mind should have been fried already.

"Come closer child, I am sure you have questions that I may have answers to as long as you give me what I want I will give you what you want." The tall woman smiled and sat down again when Juri stopped roughly 10 feet away from her.
"Who are you and how can you help me? What is your angle in all of this?" Juri's voice sounded commanding but not harsh as he looked the woman in the eyes.
"I am the one known in your language as the Manjtu or Man-eater. But as for the country you are in they prefer my real name which I also do as well, Odula. I can help answer the questions about how and why you are here in Freyja and why did you father send you away from home at the age of 5 to be trained when most other warlocks don't leave home until 9-12 depending on magical skill and potential. Now I will tell you after what I want when you agree to assist me in a matter and I answer your questions. I am sure 7 years without your parents has made you lonely in an academy that hardily recongizes your potential for greatness and who you are as a person. "

Juri thought to himself about this woman's offer, yes he knew of some of her deeds in his homeland and in this land but that did not scare him. So far she seemed nothing like that woman that the bards and poets had written her out to be and that worried him. She could be even more dangerous but agreeing to something doesn't mind you have to follow up and do it was the only thought in his mind when he spoke yes. Odula smiled a devilish grin. "Lets get started, there is so much that you need to know...."

May 24th, 2015, 02:53 AM
I think I figure out one of the reasons why your dialogue bothers me. It comes across like a formal debate. Each character says all they have to then the next the same. In life, conversations are more an informal debate. Every one is talking at once or interrupting each other. Still some of the dialogue feels like exposition.

"Lady Odula we have the city surrounded, you can easily get us past the walls with your magic to launch a strike and take the city. At this time their army is not mobilized and we can take the city by nightfall. So my lady, your orders?" That is just an example.
The conversion between Juri and Odula doesn't seem like one that would happen under such a circumstance.
Also for future reffenices. It would be less confuessing if you have a character's thoughts in a different paragraph from the dialogue of another character.

May 24th, 2015, 02:22 PM
For the most apart the interaction between VeroxOdula and OdulaxJuri is main components are fear and respect. Odula trusts Vero's judgement and respect enough not to just randomly cut him off. Odula and Juri is more formal because of Juri's hertiage and training as a warlock to respect your elders and the fear of his mind being destroyed stopped the back and forth being the two characters. Vero said that phrase because of their history together she has gotten their armies past so many walls that it is childs play. Silence but I clearly say who thoughts they were. I will work on keeping my dialogue tighter though, thank you for your response.