View Full Version : The Demon's Daughter Part 3

May 23rd, 2015, 01:20 AM
Don't know when I'll be getting Part 4 up. Haven't started it yet.

A fawn in the middle of a field, whose back half still dotted like the first snow fall, cautiously makes its way to the creek that is gently flowing through the open field. The young deer’s ears twitch at every little creak and sound that is carried through the cool morning air. Upon lowering its nose to the clear water, a loud rumble shakes through the air. The sudden noise frightens the young fawn making it ran up the hill to the safety of the woods. The young deer darts between into the forest, stopping once it a few yields in. Among the protection of the trees’ shadows, the fawn looks back upon the field, surveying from the high ground for any pursuing danger. Another rumble ripples through the air, once again sending the fawn darting off.

Off in the field, stands Oni and Dee, who is in a fighting stance and before them stands a bolder. Oni looks over his appetence form as he notes what growth she has gone through since he took her under his wing only a few years ago.

“Why do you hesitate?” He yells out when. “Strike!”

“Oni… how am I supposed to break this? It is solid stone.”

“Even mountains break and crumble. If you desire to become a demon, you must learn to overcome any challenge that stands in your way.”

“But how?”

“By using your brain.” He states taps her forehead. “No matter how solid an object is, it can never be fully unified at the most basic level.”

“I don’t understand?”

“It is a long lost truth of life. Now enough stalling and strike without fear.”

Dee takes a quick glance at the piles of rubble of once proud stones. And then to his hands that showed no signs of injury. Taking in a deep breath, she closes her eyes and focus on her mentor’s words. And drive back the fears that make her unwilling to move and held her back.


Dee opens her eyes to the roars of the monstrous bear and its savage attacks that she has been evading throughout the night. She ducks under its claw and lunches past the bear. Without pausing, she lets loose a barrage of rapped jabs to the ribs of the bear’s side. Unfazed by her counter attacks, the giant bear continues its mindless rampage amongst the woods.

She slides to a stop, spinning down on to a knee, on the forest floor. Seeing the creature start to run off, she digs her toes into the ground. Launching herself into pursuit of her quarry, she runs head strong through the forest night. Twigs snap under foot and her arm scrapes against the branches. From the darkness of the forest a raised root trips her in her dash. She falls to the awaiting ground, in the collision with the ground she is sent skidding along the ground. She slams to stop at the base of a tree. The tumble momentary discombobulated her, she looks around the darkness unable to spot her prey.

“Ah!” She yells out in frustration slamming her fist into the trunk of the old tree. Her blow rattles through the body of the ancient giant.
Lightning’s light pierces the forest canopy chasing the shadows to show Dee the bear still on its salvage march. Her eyes lock on to the mad beast as if they were those of a hawk’s on a mouse and fly’s after it. Her feet barely touch the ground as she darts between the forest giants. She runs as hard and fast as her legs could carry her, yet she drew no closer to the monster.

The flashes of lightning cast the bear’s massive shadow onto the trees. His roars echo louder than the thunder that follows. She continues her hunt the beast through the ominous night. The broken branches point her way. Soon among the darkness the faint glow of camp fires comes to sight. The wind carries the smell of smoke. Along with the smoke came the screams and yells of those that set the fires.

Dee spots the bear standing on its hind legs on the far side of the fire. The massive creature brings down its mighty forelimb on to a tent. Along with the bear are humans struck with panic. Some of them seem to more or less in control as they either trying to distract the beast or save their companions.

One of the men runs into her vision carrying a battle ax and what looked like an odd, long stick. He places the butt of the ax’s staff on the ground and one of the ends of the stick on the weapon. Pointing it at the bear, there was a flash of white light and a booming sound Dee never heard before. She stumbles briefly from being startled by the sound. Her attention immediately returns to the bear when it howls out in pain. The bear turns to the man, foam begins to form at the mouth. The mad animal charges towards the man with a thin like of blood running down its fur.

The man drops the boom stick and takes up the ax just as she darted into the camp. He swings his weapon towards the side of the head. Before the sharp blade could even cut the fur, the monstrous bear catches the weapon’s handle with its mouth. One quick jerk, the bear rips the ax out of the man’s hand and tosses it. The ax lands amongst the flames of a nearby fire. The man steps backwards with the bear standing up. It raises its claw, ready to strike down its attacker.

Dee grabs a log from the fire as she runs past it. With the burning log in hand, she charges the monster and swings before the bear could bring down it limb. Her club strikes the bear in the side of the head right by the eye. The force of the impact broke the log. Tossing aside her broken weapon, she watches as the roars in agony. It brings its raised claw to the spot of burnt fur.
Dee rushes her prey while yelling. Jumping into the air, she reaches out with her left hand and pulling her right back ready to punch. The bear smacks her mid-air with its free limb before she could react. The blow sends her flying through the air. She slams into a tree trunk with a heavy thud.


Dee fights back the tears that are watering in her eyes. She looks down at her right hand, to see the burse knuckles and one broken finger. The crackling of fire wood draws her attention away from her hand. She looks at Oni on the other side stirring the flames.

“Your hand still hurts?” Oni asks without looking away from the fire.

She only responded with a nod of her head. She didn’t want him to hear the pain in her voice.

“Are those tears from the pain or something else?”

Dee eyes widen at his question. She bites her lower lip before responding. “It’s because I’m scared.”

“Of what?” Oni looks up at her.

“That I won’t be able to become a demon and you’ll leave me.” She explains looking away from him.

She hears him sigh. This brings her attention back to her mentor. She watches as he rolls up one of his shelves.

“When I was going through the transition of becoming a demon, I had no one to teach me. I had to figure it out on my own. I broke almost every bone in my body. I’ve nearly lost my life more times than I care to remember.” He informs her as he reaches his bare arm into the fire. He pulls it out, holding a burning coal. “It took my along time to achieve my goal. In doing so I learn to be patient.”

Oni stops talking and stares straight at Dee. With no warning, he crushes the coal. Sparks fly and he opens his hand so what was left of the coal could fall back to the fire. He shows his hand to Dee, revealing no sign of burnt skin.

“Now, toss aside this fear of yours.”


Dee’s eyes quickly open just as rain starts pouring through the leaves of the trees. She finds herself sitting at the base of the tree. Before her the bear starts walking toward her. The mad animal bares its teeth while foam drips from the mouth. The remaining embers in its fur sizzle in the rain.
The fire behind the bear catches her attention. In the flames, lay the battle ax. She brings her attention her prey. Pulling her legs under her slowly and placing her palms on the tree while waiting for the bear.


Dee hears the man scream out as he brings his boom stick down on the shoulder of the bear. The stick breaks near the point of impact. The bear turns its head to the man. Seizing the opening, she launches herself from the tree with all four limbs. Carrying her momentum, she throws right jab
at the bear’s hind legs knee. Feeling bones creak under the punch, she hears for the third time the bear roar in pain.

Without looking back, neither at the bear nor the man, she heads start for the fire. She skids before reaching the fire. As she passes it, she stretches out her arm, taking the battle ax by the burning handle. In one fluid movement, she spins around on to her feet facing the monster she has been hunting.

Grabbing the handle with both hands, she runs headlong at the bear. She screams, getting it to turn to face her. The bear raises its claw back readying to swing at her head. The massive fore leg comes down for the kill. Dee pushes off the ground with enough force to left herself into the air. She uses the bear arm as a mid-air step and sends herself higher in the air. Twisting around to look down at the bear, she tightens her grim on the burning handle. She brings the ax head down with all her might on the back of the bear’s neck.

The ax blade is buried into the wet ground at the same time Dee lands. Beside her rolls the head of her mighty prey. She looks over at its headless body and watches it weaver before hitting the ground with a thud.

“Thank you.”Dee looks over shoulder to see the man standing there with what is left of his odd stick. “You saved us.”

She just stares at his weapon, noticing that the center of it was hollow. Her eyes then went to the broken part on the ground seeing it has a trigger like that of a crossbow.

“Your hands.” The man states with a concern voice.

Dee looks down at them seeing that they still held the burning handle. She releases the weapon. She inspects them, afterwards she smiles to herself. Without giving the man or the other humans that gathered around the dead bear. She walks up to the body, steps onto. Standing on top of it she takes in a deep breath.

“Aaaahhhh!” She yells out at the storm clouds over head. As she screams, hold her arms out beside her with her hands open. The pouring rain lands in her unscorch hands.

May 23rd, 2015, 12:36 PM
“Oni… how am I supposed to break this? It is sold stone.”
“It is a long lost truth of life. Now enough stalling and streak without fear.”

From reading this passage, I like it but a few things could be tighter or just are a bit too cliche. The Oni vision, foreshadowing the axe in the fire was a bit out there but I it makes enough sense to justify it. I have only read part three but in this passage I am not really getting what makes Oni, an Oni or what makes him special at a all other than him being special because he is an Oni. Dee, I don't know her age but just keep in mind that you make sure you keep whining down to a minminum as it can undermine the fact that she is the daughter of an Oni.

What I liked as the interal conflict of human fear/weakness and demon confidence/strength battling for control. Still though you need to make her or her father have more standout traits as this could easily be a story about a God and their daughter or a superhero and their daughter and etc. Nothing here justifies the use of Oni. Still the fight scene flowed well and I enjoyed it though hopefully in the future it is explained a little more about super intelligent animals unless it is explained in Part 1 or 2.

May 24th, 2015, 01:47 AM
Part 1 and 2 show how Oni and Dee met. Oni was once human and he is teaching Dee how to become a demon. I'm working on a plot twist in later parts.

May 24th, 2015, 01:48 AM
I will read those and post my thoughts, if you would like, I posted Part 3 of my Lyrain Saga

May 24th, 2015, 02:15 AM
Will do.

Harper J. Cole
May 24th, 2015, 10:55 PM
Thanks for posting. You do slip into past tense occasionally, e.g. "She only responded with a nod of her head. She didn’t want him to hear the pain in her voice," but continue to have a good artistic eye, and I feel you build a story well, in this instance the way that you tie the flashbacks to the current events.


May 25th, 2015, 01:12 AM
Tenses are not my specifically. It probably doesn't help that, in real life, I tend to not care much about the passes of time beyond that of the hour and minute. Every day is the same to me.
I plan on mixing things up in part 4 a bit.