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jakuper
May 21st, 2015, 07:22 PM
Jasmine was awoken by a kiss on her neck.

She stretched herself out, shoving him away, but the moment her hand returned empty to her body, she caught him, pulled close to herself, and brought her after night dry lips to his.
This long kiss could turn any frog into a prince. For a while, she rolled this thought in her head, and then let the hot feeling spread in her belly. She began imagining: a great frog leaped into her bed, turned towards Jasmine, opened his mouth, and his long mucous tongue flied toward her cheek. There it rested stuck, dripping on her saliva and two dead flies.

She saw all this as in a flash, but her only reaction was to shrug, as she knew too well that her prince wasnít a frog, but a real man.
Half stretching once more, she returned to her kiss. However, her lips did not meet any resistanceóhe was not there.

What? How dared he!

Jasmine began visualizing colors of fire in which she would throw him. She closed her eyes and saw a large pot. Slowly she began filling it with water, all the time watching his face. With his mouth plugged with a cucumber, he tried to eat his way out. She saw him twisting away from the pot, and decided to tip the water out.
The beginning of his relaxed smile died the moment she poured in the first bottle of oil. His eyes got wider and wider and when there was no place to go further, she put a pot on the fire.

The orange and blue of her imaginationís flame were so hypnotic that Jasmine forgot about him.
She thought about herself. Maybe all this was her fault. He saw her and ran away!
She broiled herself for not being enough appealing in the morning. She felt the wet spreading from the inside of her eyes to lashes. She tried to recollect the place where she has put her mobile so that she could immediately phone to her mother and tell her how bad she felt.

Suddenly, Jasmine heard steps, followed by a silent creak of the opening door and then he slowly entered with a tray into the room. She saw on the platter a steaming coffee pot, but other things were still invisible.

When he put the tray on her belly, Jasmine could see there a plate with an omelet, some cheese, bread and a cup for coffee. He took a flower, which was tucked between his teeth, and tickled her nose with it. Jasmine smiled and sneezed. Then smiled once more.
She was a woman after all and it was her due. It was nice that there were people who remembered this. She enjoyed it immensely.

Yet, after a quarter of an hour, she saw the other side of being woman.
Jasmine entered the kitchen where she found signs of the battle that have taken place not long ago. She looked at the give-away marks of yellow fingerprints on walls and some yolk on the ceiling (did he really try to throw upwards the egg in order to turn it?) While thinking about the smoke rising from the toaster, her outstretched finger touched the table and she distractedly made a line in the uneven mixture of spilled sugar, remains of the butter, jam and bread crumbs.

Jasmine heard the entrance door slam. She knew that he left for the work.
Nevertheless, he did not leave her alone.

He has left her with the dishes.

CerebralAssasin
May 22nd, 2015, 12:03 PM
Nice Story. It seems her husband wanted to make up for something,but only made things worse in the end.good job.

here's some grammars suggestions.








Jasmine was awoken by a kiss on her neck.

She stretched herself out, shoving him away, but the moment her hand returned empty to her body, she caught him, pulled close to herself, and brought her after night dry lips to his. [this is an awkward sentence, it needs a rewrite.I'm not even sure what it means]
This long kiss could turn any frog into a prince. For a while, she rolled this thought in her head,[this thought rolled around in her head] and then let the hot feeling spread in her belly. She began imagining: a great frog leaped into her bed, turned towards Jasmine, opened his mouth, and his long mucous tongue flied toward her cheek.[She imagined a great frog leaping into her bed, turning towards her, opening his mouth, and flinging his long mucous-laden tongue toward her cheek.] There it rested stuck, dripping on her saliva and two dead flies.

She saw all this as in a flash, but her only reaction was to shrug, as she knew too well that her prince wasnít a frog, but a real man.
Half stretching once more, she returned to her kiss. However, her lips did not meet any resistanceóhe was not there.

What? How dared he!

Jasmine began visualizing colors of fire in which she would throw him. She closed her eyes and saw a large pot. Slowly, she began filling it with water, all the time watching his face. With his mouth plugged with a cucumber,[that's a funny image for sure,it made me chortle:)] he tried to eat his way out. She saw him twisting away from the pot, and decided to tip the water out.
The beginning of his relaxed smile died the moment she poured in the first bottle of oil.[His relaxed smile died the moment she...] His eyes got wider and wider and when there was no place to go further, she put a pot on the fire.

The orange and blue of her imaginationís flame were so hypnotic that Jasmine forgot about him.
She thought about herself. Maybe all this was her fault. He saw her and ran away!
She broiled herself for not being enough appealing [appealing enough] in the morning. She felt the wet spreading from the inside of her eyes to lashes.[She felt tears spreading to her eyelashes] She tried to recollect the place where she has put her mobile so that she could immediately phone to her mother and tell her how bad she felt.[She tried to remember where she put her phone, so she could call her mother and tell her how bad she felt]

Suddenly, Jasmine heard steps, followed by a silent creak of the opening door, and then he slowly entered with a tray into the room. She saw on the platter a steaming coffee pot, but other things were still invisible.

When he put the tray on her belly, Jasmine could see there a plate with an omelet, some cheese, bread and a cup for coffee. He took a flower, which was tucked between his teeth, and tickled her nose with it. Jasmine smiled and sneezed. Then smiled once more.
She was a woman after all and it was her due[??]. It was nice that there were people who remembered this. She enjoyed it immensely.

Yet, after a quarter of an hour, she saw the other side of being a woman.
Jasmine entered the kitchen where she found signs of the battle [I like the metaphor of a "battle" to describe his cooking,good stuff!] that have taken place not long ago. She looked at the give-away marks of yellow fingerprints on walls and some yolk on the ceiling (did he really try to throw upwards the egg in order to turn it?) [this made me laugh as well,very good!]While thinking about the smoke rising from the toaster, her outstretched finger touched the table and she distractedly made a line in the uneven mixture of spilled sugar, remains of the butter, jam and bread crumbs.

Jasmine heard the entrance [front] door slam. She knew that he left for the work.
Nevertheless, he did not leave her alone.

He has left her with the dishes.

escorial
May 24th, 2015, 02:00 PM
felt a bit to over excited at times...colours and moods everywhere but it was a nice read all the same

Mesafalcon
June 2nd, 2015, 05:14 AM
The orange and blue of her imaginationís flame were so hypnotic that Jasmine forgot about him.
She thought about herself. Maybe all this was her fault. He saw her and ran away!
She broiled herself for not being enough appealing in the morning. She felt the wet spreading from the inside of her eyes to lashes. She tried to recollect the place where she has put her mobile so that she could immediately phone to her mother and tell her how bad she felt.





Becareful of repeating headwords. On the whole, there aren't that many. But 4 in one paragraph is unacceptable.

There are rare times when they can repeat to be stylistic, but that has to be really clear. I can't tell here, just seems like repeating headwords.

LizzAquarian
June 11th, 2015, 06:10 PM
I feel like this could have easily been a comedic play on what should be a normal couple "thing." Maybe not an every morning type deal, but it seemed your main character knew better as to how the rest of the morning could go. It came across a little melancholy, but it could totally have been ripe for the funny!

jenthepen
June 11th, 2015, 09:03 PM
You've captured a lot of nice detail with this short story, Jakuper. I like the way the woman's thoughts wander and give us a glimpse of her character.

The first sentence could be clearer. Maybe you could write it this way...
She stretched herself out, shoving him away, but then she caught him and pulled him close, pressing her dry, morning lips to his.

I enjoyed the originality of your style and the undercurrent of humour in your story. Welcome back to the forums, by the way. I hope we'll see a lot more of your writing soon. :)

jen

apsm
June 12th, 2015, 12:43 PM
This is my first critique on this forum so please forgive me if I come off as a little harsh.

I do see some elements of humour, and liked howthe woman went through many emotions in a single morning (especially with her man). The last little pun at the end was pretty good, though it needed to be written in past tense with the rest of the story ("He has left her with the dishes" should be something like "He'd left her with the dishes"). The speed she went through the emotions I felt was a little fast and exaggerated, but I'm assuming it was for satirical effect (I apologise if I misread the intention).

However, like everyone else I did feelthe grammar needed to be cleaned up and there were some confusing sentences. I won't go through all of them because others have noted them, but the ones I do note in particular:



She stretched herself out, shoving him away, but the moment her hand returned empty to her body, she caught him, pulled close to herself, and brought her after night dry lips to his.

I think you mean that as soon as she felt emptiness she reached out to grab him, but otherwise I am not certain.



She began imagining: a great frog leaped into her bed, turned towards Jasmine, opened his mouth, and his long mucous tongue flied toward her cheek. There it rested stuck, dripping on her saliva and two dead flies.


First of all, it should be 'flew toward her cheek'. The other sentence didn't really flow well for me. Is the frog's tongue dripping onto her saliva, or is the frogs saliva dripping onto her cheek? I also wasn't quite sure if you meant the flies were already on her cheek, or just happened to be on the frogs tongue.



His eyes got wider and wider and when there was no place to go further, she put a pot on the fire.

This needs some rephrasing, because it looks like it is saying that she put a pot (I assume you mean the pot the man is in, but using 'a pot' doesn't specify which pot) on the fire as a reaction to his eyes not widening anymore. I think you mean "just as his eyes couldn't widen anymore, she put the pot on the fire".



Suddenly, Jasmine heard steps, followed by a silent creak of the opening door and then he slowly entered with a tray into the room. She saw on the platter a steaming coffee pot, but other things were still invisible.

I felt this could've flowed better. Maybe replace it with 'followed by her man slowly entering'.



Jasmine entered the kitchen where she found signs of the battle that have taken place not long ago. She looked at the give-away marks of yellow fingerprints on walls and some yolk on the ceiling (did he really try to throw upwards the egg in order to turn it?)

I wasn't sure why he would throw an egg onto the ceiling, but now I realise you might be referring to omelette. I felt it could've been clarified better.


While thinking about the smoke rising from the toaster, her outstretched finger touched the table and she distractedly made a line in the uneven mixture of spilled sugar, remains of the butter, jam and bread crumbs.

Is she imagining smoke coming from the toaster or is the toaster still smoking?

Anyway, I hope you take this advice into account and I hope to see more works from you soon.