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Elyon
May 21st, 2015, 02:38 PM
-2 years later-
The sounds of large bells can be heard all around the sunny city of Freyja. The city bustles with life as venders in the Bzaar hungrily show their products to any and all who walk by them. Further north in the city lies the Horft Manion where hundreds of men, women and children surround the expansive 4 story house of Odgar Horft. He was the mayor of Freyja for several decades but a few hours ago his life had come to an end. His body lies on his bed surrounded his three children and his 9 grandchildren, all of them in tears at their loss. Slowly from outside of Odgar's deathbed footsteps can be heard as the door opens and a portly man dressed in a thick fur overcoat and tight pants for a man of his size. He took a knee before the bed and whispered a phrase before rising to his knees and turning to face Odgar's family.

"I am sorry for your loss, Odgar was a great man and even fought against Odula on several occasions for Freyja and for Lynxor. He has my honor and respect may he pass to the realm of darkness in peace. " The man took a deep bow before the family before turning for the door. One of the sons of Odgar cleared his throat which stopped the portly fellow in his tracks.
"Well on behalf of the Odgar family we thank you kindly for you soft words but this does not change our current situation Turan. Ever since you took over as mayor in my fathers leave Freyja has been a farcry from its earlier days. While our neighbors grow stronger and steal away contracts from merchants and business men to start in their cities, the crime rate has increased dramatically, the poor is not being properly feed and children younger than 10 are being forced to mine gold and diamonds. My father would be continuing to change things for the better not visit a man you met once at your welcoming party. Now please if you would, get back to work and leave my presense....at once." The man named Turan bowed deeply again before quickly turning heel and leaving again.

"Well, I will handle the furneral process Jorgan these things are best left to me, in your hands they would never get done on time. " Everyone chuckled as the youngest and only daughter of Odgar spoke to her brother. Before Jorgan could interject a dove flew to the window and began tapping on the glass loudly alerting everyone in the room. Jorgan opened the window and took the piece of parchment from the dove's leg and released it back into the air. He quickly scanned the parchment for useful information before passing it to his brother and then sister. Each of them took a very deep breath as they finished the paper. Jorgan alerted the guard posted outside of his father's room to take the children to their room. The guard shuffled all nine of the grand children upstairs to their rooms before Jorgan spoke again.

"Helen and Lenin, these matters are of grave importance, Odula has been reported to have been sighted around the outskirts of Freyja with dozens of armed men. Freyja is at it's weakest point now in many years but dozens of men are not enough to take Freyja or even a piece of Freyja she needs a small army to do that. Now that I have my fathers and Freyja's living weapon I can now hunt her down. Unlike our father I have no personal feelings towards her in anyway, shape or form. It is time that Odula be sealed just like her her little sister which I hold in the palm of my hands." Jorgan reached into his pocket to reveal a talisman of gold and silver with a onyx gem set in the center of it. His sister shook her head in disbelieve at her brother's statement.

"You can not seriously believe that father purposely did not have Odula sealed away because of his connection to her, thats child's play. On top of that there is no way the gathered militia of Freyja and you could possibly defeat Odula. She has personally defeated armies twice the size BY HERSELF WITH NO HELP! Have you gone mad with power Jorgan because if not you are much stupider than I imagined. If she has been sighted around Freyja we need to alert the others to let them know so maybe if she does attack that casualities can be held down to less than a thousand. There is a reason why she has never been sealed Jorgan....she is the strongest of her brood by far. Not only in raw magical ability but in intelligence as well. One wrong move and your entire plan could be destroyed as well as the lives of those around you as well. We need to take this slowly, I am sure Turan knows by now but the general public does not need to be hear about this...yet. Freyja's commerce has been steadily falling and leting this cat out of the bag too soon will force merchants to flee Freyja for their lives which would send our home into a state of depression that would certainly be very very bad. " Jorgan and Lenin nodded to their sister's wise words.

Lenin moved towards the open window and peered through as he saw the inner workings of Freyja.
"Lets hope that whatever she is planning does not kill everyone because what is a depression if no one is alive to be in it...."

Thoughts? Hopefully this one has less errors, hopefully. I focused more on the characters in this transition than the setting as I wanted to make the scene impactful as possible while getting a snapshot of some character's personalities. Still this is part two of the Lyrain Saga and Part 3 should be up tomorrow or maybe tonight if I am lucky.

Silence
May 21st, 2015, 04:22 PM
Again the dialogue needs work. And at one point is felt like exposition. In the third paragraph from the end. You said: "His sister shook her head in disbelieve at her brother's statement." Which sister shook her head and disbelief works better then disbelieve.
Where and when is this story taken place? Is it on another world all together?

Elyon
May 21st, 2015, 05:11 PM
Well this is all tied together in the third part, and I meant disbelief, thank you for pointing that out. This is all on the same world but in a different place, two years in the future from the meeting in the keep. Part three is mainly Odula POV with her being in Freyja. If you have not made the connection then Odgar was the old man 2 years in the past at the meeting

Silence
May 21st, 2015, 06:22 PM
What I mean by world is all the events happening on an alternate earth or on a world you made for the story it self.

Elyon
May 21st, 2015, 07:41 PM
Its an entirely new world. With very deep lore, most places mentioned in the stories has hundreds of years of history

Silence
May 21st, 2015, 07:44 PM
Okay. Just wanted to know.

Harper J. Cole
May 21st, 2015, 08:45 PM
Thanks for posting! :thumbr:

As Silence mentioned, there was some repetition of words in the first part, but this seems to have largely been sorted out in part 2. I'd also mention that in both sections you start in the present tense and then switch to the past tense, and some phrases sound a trifle modern, such as 'lover boy' and 'bye-bye'.

Still, you're setting the scene for the rest of the story well. It'll be interesting to see more of Odula and her back story.

HC

Elyon
May 22nd, 2015, 05:00 AM
Thank you all for your kind words, truly they mean a lot. Thank you HC and silence for your critism this is my real first writing in a while so give me some time to knock the rust off. I will see if I can push out part 3 tonight. Stay posted!

Silence
May 22nd, 2015, 06:37 AM
Your welcome. I would like to get your feed back on my stories I've posted. The last man standing and The Demon's Daughter Parts One and Two.

Elyon
May 23rd, 2015, 01:40 PM
Ok, Part three is up