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View Full Version : 901 words, Lyain Saga Part 1



Elyon
May 20th, 2015, 11:33 PM
The starry sky twinkles far above the devious plots between men and women of wealth and power. These conspirators talk among each other discussing matters that must be shielded from the public eye. Each of them has come far and wide to a secluded keep deep in the mountains as far north as humans can go to for one reason only.

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The wind howls and moans against the thick branches of the evergreens surrounding the nearby keep as voices can be heard inside loudly shouting at each other in the dead of night. Inside the keep are 6 men and 2 women, all wearing hooded cloaks in the center of the worn down keep surrounding the large fire sitting impatiently as if waiting for someone or something to arrive. Several very long moments later a horse can be heard from inside the keep coming closer to the keep. Several of the conspirators whisper amongst each other as the horse clapping though the forest has stopped and very light footprints can be heard slowly trudging towards the keep. Several minutes past before the door to the keep is opened and another cloaked figure assumed its seat in the circle.

One of the male cloaked figures in the circles spoke in a thin paper wisp of a voice the spoke volumes on the age of the figure itself to the newly arrived figure.

"Martian....you have arrived..." The figure spoke between hallowed out coughs that signaled he was not long for this world. "I am afraid this maybe one of our last meetings together before I pass on to the realms of darkness....but we have matters that are more important than our lives that must be dealt with, Odula." Each of the figures nodded in agreement to the name as the old figure continued to speak towards the entire group now. "Each of us and our familes has been the target of Odula for centuries for what happened to her siblings, each of us are worried about Odula' actions of late and her completely being inactive for the past 5 years. She is planning something and we all know that Odula with a plan is not something to take lightly." The old man paused her a second as he felt a tingle go down his spine and flocks of owls hoot everyone slowly turned their head towards the door and in unison each of them said one phrase. "She's here."

Outside of the keep stood a very tall humaniod figure cloaked in a blue velvet and white fur trimed gown that clinged to her body like skin. Her skin was an almond tan that looked ageless and she looked almost human but something about her could never be human at all. Her hair was the color of black fire as the color would rapidly change from jet black to royal purple within seconds all held back by a golden cornet studded with a opal the size of a baby's fist. This figure slowly walked through the snowy forest towards the keep and slowly opened the door. The figure smiled at the bewildered figures and slowly walked towards them. One of the figures reached into their pocket and revealed a golden wand from their waist and launched a blast of golden fire at the beautiful woman only to see it be asborbed completely into the opal on her cornet.

"Now that I have welcomed so warmly let me state purpose for coming to your party this evening in this unbearable climate. I have been very quiet for the past few years but never was I idle. I have been well grooming a few subjects into something very very special, but alas you will find out about that in the near future. The first thing I shall ask is would you politely hand over your living weapons, each of those has my brothers and sisters souls and I think they would like to be free wouldn't you agree?" She chuckled softly before being aburptly interrupted by one of the female fiqures in the circle.

"Odula if you possibly think that we will just hand over the souls to the beasts that have killed hundreds of thousands then you have another thing coming. We will guard these with our lives and you can not defeat all of us together, you are a fool for coming here alone." Each of the figures stood up with various odd and unique manner of items that shined softly in their grasp. Odula yawned slowly and stretched her arms out like a cat before turning to face the old man.

"You know the actual truth yet you hide it from them as if they are children, they have been brainwashed enough that it will not sway them either way but they do deserve to know, don't you think lover boy or should I say old man....my the years have not been kind to you. Still if you won't hand them over then I will personally see to it that each of your family lines are erradicated from the face of existence in this life and the next. That is all I have for now but we will keep in touch, bye-bye." In a loud and bright flash the beautiful humaniod was gone. Each of the figures looked at each other tense and filled with fear about the upcoming future.....

Thoughts? I know it is probably filled to the brim with errors but this is just me writing and posting. I am hoping to incorporate fantasy, adventure and horror together that is lore bound in the rich history of the world of Lyain.

Silence
May 21st, 2015, 02:31 AM
Some of the dialogue felt off and didn't seem to fit. In the first paragraph: " Several very long moments later a horse can be heard from inside the keep coming closer to the keep." To the keep, is unnecessary words.

Your story has an interesting plot and would like to know more of the back story.

Elyon
May 21st, 2015, 12:58 PM
Yeah I literally just wrote and posted it with little to no proofreading, next time I will improve on that. Thanks for leting me know to tighten up the dialogue, I become afriad of losing the read so I sometimes sacrifice flow for security. Was it immersive? What interested you and what did not? Your feedback is definitely important

Silence
May 21st, 2015, 03:31 PM
Like I said, I like the plot and back story. The feels like the story will have a lot of fun plot twist to it. Though I would like to know more of the scenery, what are the conditions is the keep in for an example.
I'm also wondering why Odula came in on horse and left via magic. I think a grander entrance is to still have the sound of the horse drawing near but have Odula appear in the center of the group. Would startle them more and show how confident she is in her powers.
Also does Odula's name has some sort of meaning or did you choose because you like it. In my story most of my main characters' names' meanings decripe part of how they are or what they do or going to do.

Elyon
May 21st, 2015, 05:16 PM
Yeah, I might need to expand upon the face in the first paragraph a little more and yes there will be a lot of plot twists though hopefully they won't seem out there. Actually Martian was the figure that came in on a horse, Odula came in by using magic, which was signified by owls hooting in the trees(which will have meaning in the distant future). Odula is just a name that I like it seems foreign and other worldly which fits her persona and character as a whole

bilz346
May 22nd, 2015, 12:23 PM
Overall, I like the story, but there are a number of things that could be fixed. You start out in the first couple paragraphs using the present tense, then you switch over to past tense. I read it through quickly, but I think you might switch back and forth between tenses through the story.

As Silence said, some of the dialogue is off. There are a lot of run-on sentences that need to be broken up or at have proper punctuation used.

Odula comes in threatening all of these powerful people, but then she leaves with "That is all I have for now but we will keep in touch, bye-bye." Kind of sounds like a thirteen year old girl trying to be cool.

With some solid edits and revision, I think you could have a very good story here.

Elyon
May 23rd, 2015, 02:20 PM
That you Bilz346, for tell me about my mistakes and hopefully in coming parts I will do my best to tightening on the errors and I do change tenses which is a major probelm for me that needs to be addressed since, I don't proofread before posting, I just write it and post it eventually I will get around to doing that after the first major arc passes and I will make sure to tighten up the loose ends better