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View Full Version : Apple Keystone (Drugs, Language, Mild Violence)



musichal
May 18th, 2015, 12:53 PM
deleted, see blog

John Oberon
May 18th, 2015, 07:57 PM
Not my cup of tea as far as content, but the writing looks pretty good and clean. You've got some unnecessary past perfect ("had") and few other odds and ends, but overall, looks pretty solid to me.

musichal
May 19th, 2015, 01:22 PM
Not my cup of tea as far as content, but the writing looks pretty good and clean. You've got some unnecessary past perfect ("had") and few other odds and ends, but overall, looks pretty solid to me.

Yeah, I'd spotted some of those nits myself, but just haven't taken the time to clean it up.

As far as content goes... I feel a good deal of ambivalence. My lifestyle changed decades ago, but I think these reminiscences make entertaining stories. By today's standards they are almost Norman Rockwell-esque... if he were a hippie growing up in the sixties. But, yes, I very well understand that this won't be everyone's cup of tea, even if a pretty tame blend.

Sonata
May 19th, 2015, 01:44 PM
I have no idea whether it was supposed to be a serious piece of writing or not - all I know is that it made me smile!

Bevo
May 20th, 2015, 12:34 PM
That was my cup of tea, I was hoping to hear more about the hash with details on the smell, if it was used with a bottle, hot knife, crumbled into a smoke or on the tip of a pin.... Ahhhh good memories of my youth!!

At first I thought it was a modern story but picked it up soon, the middle going back was helpful in setting up the final story but not as visual as I liked. More discription of the trailer and airport chaos would help.
In the final scene a slight change when they ran out with some detail on picking up the cash would slow it down a bit, felt rushed to end.

Nit picky but really enjoyed that!
Great job!

musichal
May 20th, 2015, 04:54 PM
Bevo, thank you very much for the critique; that was helpful. It may be awhile before I get back to this one, but I will certainly look at those areas. Glad you enjoyed it, and it was the tip of a pin when I did have some. That day I did not, it was a lie I told Paul to entice him to get into my car. I referred to him as an idiot at that point because he knew the reefer he'd just stolen belonged to me, and he knew I detested him. Yeah, it was all true and pretty darn accurate, even down to most of the dialogue. Very little "artistic license" with this story. Oh, and the statute of limitations ran out decades ago, but some laws were slightly injured in the making of this tale.

Bevo
May 20th, 2015, 06:09 PM
You remind me to look into my past for some stories, I have a few that would make us laugh.

The blue neon wall around the neighbourhood after a night of partying would be funny or is it sad?

boristofu
June 23rd, 2015, 08:54 PM
Harold made me laugh so much!

Your story sounds adventurous, dangerous and funny.
The name Harold reminds of Harold and Kumar.

Sorry no critique, I'm just here to say I really liked it.