View Full Version : The Demon's Daughter Part 1

May 14th, 2015, 10:54 PM
Tears run down Dee’s face as she cries under an old oak not far from a street as dark clouds loom over head. Wind blows past the tree bring with it a hallowed call. She hugs her knees close to her chest as she hears the sounds of footsteps of the town’s folk walking by and their conversations reach her ears.

“Poor girl.” Dee hears a woman says to a man.

“Does she have any living family?” The man asks.

“No, she an orphan, she lost both of her parents to the serial killer that’s hanging in the town square.”

“Can’t someone take her in?”

“No,” Dee bits her lower lip at the woman’s response. “no one has the means to take care of her. Why don’t you take her?”

“What? I don’t have the means to raise her either, plus I don’t like kids that much.” Dee barely hears the man as he and the woman walk away.

She remains sitting under the tree with her legs pressed against her chest as the wind picks up and the rain begins to pour. The rain water rolls off of her raven black hair and her tears disappear among the rain drops. Dee stops paying attention to the townsfolk making their way back to the warmth of their hearths.

“Humans are disgusting.” Dee’s head snaps up, startled by the closeness of the voice. She looks up in its direction to see a man sitting on a branch with his back prop against the trunk. “They’ll offer you their pity but won’t offer you a helping hand.” The man says staring at the passing town’s folk.

“You’re wrong.” Dee says looking up at the man.

“Oh, I am?” The man glares down at here. “Then why are you out here in the rain instead of being inside with one of them where you’ll be warm and feed?”

“It’s because none of them can afford to take care of me.”

“That’s a lie and you know it. The whole town can work together to raise you but they would rather throw you out into the streets to fend for yourself. Humans have always been this way.”

“You’re wrong.” Dee says putting her forehead on her knees.

“You can say I’m wrong all you want but I’m right about them in the end.”

“But aren’t you human as well?” Dee mumbles.

“I’ve stop being human along time ago, I’m a demon now. A demon known as Oni.”

“Oni?” A Lightning bolt cuts across the sky and thunder feels the air and Dee hears a soft thud. She looks up to see Oni standing in front of her.

“Unlike those disgusting humans, I don’t feel pity for anyone but I offer a helping hand to those that need it.” Oni says holding out his hand to her.

“If you wish to live, come with me. I’ll teach you how to survive in this repulsive human world.”

Another lightning bolt cuts the sky when Dee takes Oni’s hand. Hand-in-hand Dee and Oni walk away together into the storm.


Many years have passed since that night and Dee finds herself sitting alone at a table in an inn. She looks out the window at the last rays of light begin to fade away while she enjoys her meal. Through the window she sees the harbor town still full of life with no regarded to the coming night. Dee notices a group of men out of the corner of her eye coming toward her and the leader of the group sits down across from her.

“What do you want?” Dee asks irritated. “You’re blocking my view.”

“That’s not very nice to say to someone who just wanted to have a friendly word.” The man answers her with a cheerful voice.

“Then make it quick. I’m eating.”

“Me and my friends,” The man gestures at the others. “Couldn’t help but notice that you don’t look like you’re from these parts.”

“And what of it?”

“Well, don’t look like you have much coin on you and you look like you could use a job.”

Dee didn’t respond to the man but just eat her food. Her eyes wander around the group of men standing about. The pupils of her eyes contract come to rest on one of the men. She sees the bend of rope warped under is cloak. Her eyes dart to another man to see a corner of a dark cloth hanging out of his pocket. She returns her attention to the man sitting across from her waiting for her to speak. She continues to eat without speaking.

“Um, we know of a noble that is looking to hire a couple of maids.”

“If you like we can escort you to there.” The man with the cloth chimes in.

“Why would you do that for me?” Dee questions the man after swallowing the food in her mouth.

“We are concerned about your safety. Someone has been kidnapping young women and girls in the area at night.” The man at the table explains. “Of course they are all from poor families and you aren’t the type that the kidnapper would take but one could never be too careful.”

“And there’s a rumor that a demon’s spawn has come to the city.” The man with the rope adds.

“How kind of you.” Dee says holding back her anger. “But you and your pals don’t have to worry about me. I’m spending the night here and plan on leaving tomorrow.” She points over her should at a staircase that leads to the second floor. “Now leave, your ruining my meal.”

“That is no way to act to someone who …” The man stops in mid sentence as he stares into Dee’s darken eyes and with a shay voice he speaks to his men. “We’re leaving.”

“Humans are disgusting.” Dee says under her breath as she watches the group of men leave.

After a few moments, Dee sets down her silver ware and gets up leaving her unfinished meal on the table. She walks calmly through the dining area of the inn towards the door. Stepping out into the street, the crisp evening air greats her checks as a gentle breeze swipes up her pitch black hair, she scans her surroundings. She spots the group of men who interrupted her meal heading into a back alleyway. Without waiting, she quickly and quietly gives pursuit.

Upon entering the alley, she finds that her prey was nowhere to be seen. Looking around the narrow walkway for any sign of the men, only to find a footprint on the cobble stone and very little else to point the way. Dee decides to take to the roofs by scaling the wall nearest to the footprint. From the slanted rooftop vantage point, she sees the city bathed in the rays of the setting sun and a blanket of the night creeping over the rooftops.
Below her she hears the sounds of footsteps belonging to a group heading away from where she discovered the footprint. Moving along the tile surface with the grace of a cat, she soon spots the group of men from the inn and stalks them from the roof tops. She hears them talking among themselves.

“We almost had her.” The man with the rope voice made its way to the rooftop. “Why did we just leave?”

“Didn’t you see the look in her eyes?” The man from the table responded.

“No, what does that have to do with anything?”

“I don’t know, but they gave me a bad feeling.”

“So what?” The man with the cloth spoke. “She was just one girl. We could have taken her no problem.”

“I agree, plus she would have fetched a nice price.”

The leader of the men stops and pointed a finger at both of them. “I don’t care how much we would have gotten for her. She isn’t like the others. She is a traveler and we don’t know how many or what kind of people she is traveling with. So I’m not going to risk this shipment and the operation for one more head.”

“Find whatever you say. You’re the boss.” The one of the two replied as the shake their heads.

“Good.” The man turns and resumes walking down the alley.

As they make their way through the city, the condition of the buildings and streets slightly declines and the air begins to fill up with the smell of fish. Dee realizes that the men are heading to the warehouses along the harbor. Jumping down between two buildings, she puts her back to the wall and looks around a corner to watch as the men enter one of the warehouses. After waiting a few moments to make sure no one was coming out, she rush over to the warehouse and walks around the perimeter looking for a way in.

She comes upon an open window that’s just above her head. Stretching out her arms, she grabs hold of the window seal. With no effort, Dee pulls herself up. She pokes her head from the side to insure that no one was guarding it. Once she is confident she can enter unseen, she slips through the opening to find large crates stack around the inside leaving the center of the building wide open. There, she spots her prey waiting as more men approach them. Hiding among the stacks she focuses her hearing on the two groups.

“What, no new girls?” Dee hears a man’s voice.

“No.” The leader of the group of man answers. “We have plenty to sell off to the foreigners as is no need to risk the whole thing for one or two more heads.”

“Why? Not like there is any risk. We’ve paid of the officials in the area.”

“They’re not the ones that concern me.”

“Wait; don’t tell me you’re afraid of the demon spawn rumor.”

“Be quiet and make sure everything is in order, the foreigners’ ship is about to come in and I don’t want any trouble.”

“Okay, okay. No need to be scared. No one in this town cares about some poor girls who’ve gone missing so why would a demon spawn care.”

The last man’s comment enrages Dee and in her rage she kicks the stack of creates she’s hiding behind. The force of her kick knocks the stack over. The crates break open, spilling their contents on to the floor. A dust cloud raises into the air in-between her and her prey.

“What the hell!” She hears the leader’s voice through the dust.

“You humans disgust me!” Dee yells out as she lounges through the dust cloud at the men. She throws a hard right jab into one of the men’s face.


With blood stain hands, Dee shoves open the main doors of the warehouse and a flood of young women and girls run out around her, lead by a white head girl. She takes a step to leave but the sound of someone coughing up blond stops her. She looks back to see the leader of the men still alive and moving, sort of.

Dee turns around and walks toward him. Blood drips from her hands along the way to her dying prey. The close she gets the more the fear in his eyes grow. Her face conveys the disgust she feels.

“Who are you?” The man says before he coughs up blood.

“I’m the Demon’s Daughter.” Dee says coldly stepping over the dead, bloody bodies of the man’s group.

“Please don’t kill me!” He pleads out to her as she comes to loom over him. Her eyes remain dark as she places a foot on his head.

“Human’s are a disgusting species. You pleaded for your life but you would kill and sell others without hesitating. So why should I spare you?” Dee is
only answered by the sound of the man’s skull being crushed beneath her foot.

Harper J. Cole
May 15th, 2015, 08:20 PM
Again, I think that you set the mood nicely in the opening; I like the image of the abandoned young girl sitting in the rain. It's a good plot for a short story. There are still instances of using the wrong word, e.g. ...

She remains sitting under the tree with her legs press up against her chest as the wind picks up and the rain begins to pour.
Another lighten blot cuts the sky when Dee takes Oni’s hand.
She sees the bend of rope warped under is cloak.

These won't show up on spellcheckers, so it's important to double check.

But you'll spot them more easily with practice, and knowing which stories you want to tell is half the battle.


May 31st, 2015, 07:28 PM
I really like this story. Has a manga feel to the dialogue and pace, which helps me build a very visual experience in my head about the story.

As HC mentioned before, there's some typos here and there.

I'll also add that the fact that you're written a fully fleshed out story is something to be proud of. Dee is a character that I can root for. I see there's a part 2, so I'm reading that next!

June 1st, 2015, 03:27 AM
I'm working fixing up some of my other stories and making it all past tense. I'll fix the typo's when I get a chance.

June 2nd, 2015, 12:21 PM
As the other have said above, lots of typos and incorrect word usage in the story, but overall I enjoyed it. I'm not sure if this is supposed to be a short story, or the beginning of a novel or what, but it raises some questions. Such as, how did the girl at the beginning of the novel turn herself into a demon? Was she truly the daughter of the demon at the beginning? Or did she somehow morph into one? Also, how did she manage to kill all the men? You glossed over all of the violence, except for the head-crushing at the end.

Good story.

June 3rd, 2015, 01:40 AM
When I first wrote it, I only interned it to be a short story. But I let a teacher read and I thought of making more parts. I can't address the part about Dee being a demon without giving away the ending.