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Clerically
April 27th, 2015, 02:18 AM
....

"Brilliantly, the leaves of the great oak tree reflected the August glare, basking in its lukewarm sunlight, sifting here and there, dancing ever so delicately to the soft rhythm and tune of all that was natural and pure in the world. Upon the gnarled roots of the tree reclined a middle-aged woman covered in nothing more than ragged clothes, which were undoubtedly stained with blood, though it remained indistinguishable whether the scarlet tint spilled from her or from the bundle held so tightly against her bosom with the strength that only a dying mother could invoke. Her shoulders trembled uncontrollably, her corporeal spasms radiating fear, desperation and above all, sadness.


Yet here in the middle of wilderness, under the perpetual watch of the great oak tree, despite all her misery, the woman found a strange, even seductive tranquility as she placed her precious babe against the vast trunk. She uttered a final prayer for her son -- or daughter; she had not even the time to gain such knowledge --, peered at the translucent sky above, and resigned from the painful battle between life and death. As her consciousness succumbed to oblivion, it struck her still that the child lacked an identity, and from what were now the lingering remnants of her anima, the ghastly memories of her childhood, she recalled the sweet weather of her hometown, the cool gusts of air which now caressed her again as she lay under the great oak tree. "Florence," she gasped, her head and scrawny figure fallen limp, as a surge of wind swept away her final breath, dispersing its tender dreams, promises and hopes, all embedded within a single name, throughout the land."

"Suffocating," muttered Professor Kierkegaard, and directed the manuscript to the receptacle.
....


And they finally breathed free, for their tiny souls, ever so fragile, had been smothered for too long. :)

StephLondon
April 27th, 2015, 02:15 PM
I think I'm confused..? Does this go along with something else? Is the Professor just reading his own story that he's written? I'm sorry. You've got good imagery in the beginning paragraphs, though there are some grammatical errors. You just need to go over it and get rid of some comma splices and reword a few things. Like the first sentence, "Brilliantly, the leaves of the great oak tree..." I think brilliantly should be omitted or placed elsewhere in the sentence. I'd be interested to see where you're going with this, what plot you're trying to get across. It definitely held my attention.

Paladin
April 27th, 2015, 05:44 PM
I think its very beautiful, I feel like this woman has gone through a hell of an experience, internally or externally, and has found refuge in the freedom of her surroundings.

Clerically
April 28th, 2015, 12:44 AM
I think I'm confused..? Does this go along with something else? Is the Professor just reading his own story that he's written? I'm sorry. You've got good imagery in the beginning paragraphs, though there are some grammatical errors. You just need to go over it and get rid of some comma splices and reword a few things. Like the first sentence, "Brilliantly, the leaves of the great oak tree..." I think brilliantly should be omitted or placed elsewhere in the sentence. I'd be interested to see where you're going with this, what plot you're trying to get across. It definitely held my attention.

Thanks for the feedback - it's exactly what I was looking for, though not in the way you would expect!

Haha, I don't think I made the writing as clear as I thought. The professor at the end is reading over a student's work, and notes that his pupil has severely overwritten. The content within the quotes is the short piece the student submitted -- one that was stuffed with as many words, cliches, and description as possible. The student tried to make a very tragic-sounding story with those big words and streams-of-consciousness, but in the end, it just turns into a long drawl.
Stephen King once wrote in his memoir that a good writer must learn to "kill his/her darlings," but it seems like the novice here has accomplished the exact opposite.

My purpose in writing this thread was to present something that was so erudite, complicated and overwritten that it fulfilled no meaning or development -- basically to demonstrate that something that seems so advanced is actually bad writing.

Finally, see if you can get the reference of the professor's name, and the final sentence (hence the title) of this piece! =)

StephLondon
April 28th, 2015, 01:31 AM
That's way too smart for me ;) Haha, awesome!

JamieJabbourIllustration
April 28th, 2015, 03:43 AM
Haha, this was funny to read because I remember writing like that in highschool. :P Was hoping that the long descriptions would make up for my lack of actual storytelling skills.

Amy_List
April 28th, 2015, 05:19 AM
....

"Brilliantly, the leaves of the great oak tree reflected the August glare, basking in its lukewarm sunlight, sifting here and there, dancing ever so delicately to the soft rhythm and tune of all that was natural and pure in the world. Upon the gnarled roots of the tree reclined a middle-aged woman covered in nothing more than ragged clothes, which were undoubtedly stained with blood, though it remained indistinguishable whether the scarlet tint spilled from her or from the bundle held so tightly against her bosom with the strength that only a dying mother could invoke. Her shoulders trembled uncontrollably, her corporeal spasms radiating fear, desperation and above all, sadness.


Yet here in the middle of wilderness, under the perpetual watch of the great oak tree, despite all her misery, the woman found a strange, even seductive tranquility as she placed her precious babe against the vast trunk. She uttered a final prayer for her son -- or daughter; she had not even the time to gain such knowledge --, peered at the translucent sky above, and resigned from the painful battle between life and death. As her consciousness succumbed to oblivion, it struck her still that the child lacked an identity, and from what were now the lingering remnants of her anima, the ghastly memories of her childhood, she recalled the sweet weather of her hometown, the cool gusts of air which now caressed her again as she lay under the great oak tree. "Florence," she gasped, her head and scrawny figure fallen limp, as a surge of wind swept away her final breath, dispersing its tender dreams, promises and hopes, all embedded within a single name, throughout the land."

"Suffocating," muttered Professor Kierkegaard, and directed the manuscript to the receptacle.
....


And they finally breathed free, for their tiny souls, ever so fragile, had been smothered for too long. :)

To me, it's a little confusing at first but after reading the entire thing very nice read and understandable.

Shannon
May 1st, 2015, 09:49 PM
My favourite part has to be the way you describe the spirit of the forest, but what comes after, I think, doesn't fit, although is written well and the meaning is elaborate!

riotcoke
May 3rd, 2015, 09:43 PM
love the GOTCHA moment at the end. nice :)

chase1423
September 17th, 2015, 12:24 AM
Very smart! Nice read however, question, does this go along with something else or is it just a short story you wrote? I may have missed where you said if it was or wasn't, but just making sure. Nice read however and I enjoyed it. Good job! Though until I saw your explanation, I was confused on it too. I thought the professor was watching from afar? Not sure why but that is how I perceived it.