View Full Version : Little Mermaid Retelling // Fantasy Elements// 1300 words

April 27th, 2015, 12:20 AM
Untitled Mermaid Project
Note: I'm having a hard time deciding which old project to continue with. This is the prologue from a story inspired by The Little Mermaid. I will also post a Beauty and the Beast retelling in another thread. They are two old stories I'm just taking a look at to see if they're worth my time. Thanks for reading and any and all critiques.

The water was murky, the moonlight barely able to penetrate the ocean. Cordelia could taste a difference, but it was abrupt this time. It wasn’t like usual, when a faint hint of copper grew more distinct as the storm grew closer. This storm wasn’t going to give warning. It was going to hit and hit hard.

Her fin let out a splash, skimming across the surface briefly, as she swam towards the shore. Even under the water, she could hear the giggles and laughter of people, of humans. They would be caught in whatever was brewing.

Staying close to the bottom, she tried to peer up, towards the sky, but the water was too dirty. The usual clear blue tone was completely lost, and Cordelia had to lie on her back and propel herself upwards until her nose and eyes broke through the liquid barrier. It was cloudy, and the moon was slowly being covered with blankets of clouds, almost as though it was being tucked in for the night. The wind was picking up speed and drying off the parts of her face that were sticking out.

“To summer!” a group cheered somewhere off in the distance. Cordelia’s eyes flicked to them, her tail allowing her to gracefully maneuver herself in a position to better see them.

There were ten, maybe fifteen young humans, all dancing around a man-made fire. Their faces glowed different hues of orange and gold, depending on how close to the flames they were. She watched as they swayed with a foreign beat and tilted red plastic cups to their lips, throwing back whatever they were drinking with a gleeful intensity.

The first drops of rain hit when Cordelia was expecting it. The group she was observing, however, was not. The girls screamed and squealed, raising different cloths over their heads to protect them. The boys laughed louder, the hearty noise mixing with a crash of thunder.

Cordelia sunk back into the water, waiting for them to clear out. She knew she should have left by now. It wasn’t her position to stand guard at the shores on nights like this. No, her position was back home, nestling into a pile of seaweed and drifting off to a deep slumber. Her tail whipped with her sudden annoyance and she spun slowly until her body hit the sandy bottom. A shell scraped her back, but she knew the cut would heal almost immediately.

Bright lights from the escalating lightning danced on the surface of the water. Cordelia closed her eyes. Though preached to be hectic and dangerous, the shore had always seemed peaceful to her. The waves crashing above her and rocking her back and forth soothed her, they didn’t scare her. The minnows that swum frantically to get back to their nest safely were hardly life threatening.

“I’ll be right back. I gotta see if I can find it. You know he’ll kill me if I lose it,” a deep voice yelled. If Cordelia could hear him under the water, she figured he must’ve been close.

She pushed herself into an upright position, slowly moving back, not wanting her figure to be illuminated by the storm. Her tail slid against the bottom as she willed it to stay calm and not spaz out with her nerves.

“I’ll be fine. I’ll be at the truck in five minutes. Promise,” the voice stated calmly.

Cordelia swore as she saw the human, a dark shadow from where she sat, dive in the ocean across from her. There was no way he could see her, his human eyes would hardly allow that, but the waves were gaining velocity. If he came up at the wrong time… Cordelia flinched, hugging her stomach with both of her hands. It was the best she could do to restrain herself. She couldn’t interfere, no matter what would happen.

The splashes from the human swimming grew louder, closer, as a wave capsized over Cordelia. The movement was rough, shoving her against a broken sand dollar. Her world tilted up and then to the right as her tail was swept above her head. It took her a moment to regain awareness of her surroundings. Her vision was blurry, her head heavy.

Cordelia heard the human break through the surface with a loud breath. Just go, she willed, not daring to open her mouth. Thunder crackled above them a mere second after lightning flashed across the sky. She raised a dainty hand out of the water. The wind was howling. She turned, noticing the waves building up bigger and bigger behind her.

Cordelia gulped and made the decision to swim back home, the storm too much for her to take anymore. The boy, the one that had jumped into the water, made one more splash as Cordelia’s fin snapped against the current, allowing her to swim quickly. She was a minute or two from being under the deep cover safety when she heard it, the panicked gasp and frantic hands hitting the water as another wave swallowed him, and then another.

Her back was to him, to the situation, and she could’ve swam away. She should have left, but she couldn’t. He was too young. Yes, he was reckless, but Cordelia didn’t feel that was a very good reason to leave him there, to let him die. She bit her tongue, looking around her. It wasn’t necessary though, she knew she was alone. She could feel it.

Spinning, she threw her hands together and cut through the water, to where the noises had subsided. It had always made her nauseous to swim at such speeds. Cordelia hated the way the ocean looked as she flew through it, all blurry and dark. But she pushed through it, her fin propelling her with a strength that only the Cain Clan was known for.

She stopped with a sudden halt, so quickly that her fin got caught in front of her and she fell forward a little. He was in front of her, though she could only see his back and the bubbles that trickled out in front of him. He must’ve been heavy with the rate his body was falling to the floor. Who knew how long he had been pushed around by the waves for, but it didn’t seem like enough to drown him. Not yet anyway.

Cordelia darted below him, searching for something, anything, that would take him under. Her eyes found the culprit. On his ankle were several marks. It could’ve been done by any sort of creature. They had bitten him and tried to drag him to somewhere. She frowned. Oceanology had never been her best subject, the Oceanologists in her kingdom all belonging to the Syran Clan. With a shake of her head and tail, she grabbed him by the shoulders and pulled him up.

He was heavy, nearly too heavy for her to take to the surface. They broke through, and Cordelia grabbed hold under his armpits, trying to keep him steady as he gasped for air. She swam them farther as he regained consciousness, to the shore.

His emerald eyes, a brighter color than any sort of fish or coral she had ever seen before, were frantic as she deposited his body on the sand, a low thud echoing against the thunder and smattering of rain. He grabbed Cordelia’s wrist, stronger than she anticipated, and pulled her back to him. Her heart thudded loudly as she struggled to break free. She had already violated so many rules, being caught would only solidify her punishment. Her nails dragged across his skin, and he pulled back, a stunned look on his face as he watched the blood mix with the droplets of water that was still on his skin.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered.

Not waiting to hear a response, she spun away from him and the sandy shore and dove into the water, her tail smacking one last time against the surface.

May 9th, 2015, 05:16 PM
I really enjoyed this piece. You have so many things going for this story. You established the taboo of mermaid, human relationships. You Set up the plot perfectly, internal torment as to following her species rules vs letting someone die. You set up the appropriate scientific explanations and cultural reasoning and fields of study.

My answer to your note, if you feel passionately about the subject, praises should mean nothing to you. You should continue on with the story weather people hate it or not.

Almost all books are rejected 10 times before published.