View Full Version : Jeffery is a Jerk (Some Adult Humor and Language)

April 10th, 2015, 03:25 AM
Jeffery is a Jerk by Hanna Trowbridge. Roughly 550 words

Hey, guess what?
School sucks.
(By the way, this is my official submission to the Annual Captain Obvious Awards. I think they won’t mind that I posted it here.)
I am writing this on my school-issued laptop, which is rife with not school stuff, including around a half dozen folders named ‘stuff.’ In another full-screen window, Aerodynamics Science Project is waiting longingly, hoping I will write it. And finish it. Perhaps I should. I don’t know when it’s due. I would, but I spend most of that class dreaming about lands with rainbows and unicorns.
In fact, the reason Aerodynamics Science Project still wants me to finish it is because of Jeffery. I know the suspense was gone as soon as I said Jeffery. It’s always a Jeffery, it’s it?
I finished Aerodynamics Science Project some time ago. Some time, in my mind, is around a day. Days for me consist of trudging through class, hoping you don’t fall asleep at the wrong time (such as during Algebra class, cause dude has a ruler, and he is not afraid to abuse your desk with it). They also consist of Fun Dip and other such foods consumed in school that would make Michelle Obama very, very sad. To be fair, we don’t buy it from the cafeteria -- one of my friends normally smuggles paraphernalia into the Lair of School in his afro.
This brings us to Jeffery.
We were out of sugar. That day, Afro Kid (he will not be identified for privacy reasons) had only brought in enough food to get him and I through the class, and Jeffery was not very happy about this.
Jeffery also does not like me. Last year, I took his laptop and sent an email to the entire school:

From: Jeffery
Subject: < no subject >
hello this is shrek i have hacked jeffery

Now, normally this would be okay. There are many Shrek-worshippers in our school; if Jeffery had been one, he would have taken this as a sign that his god had selected him for priesthood, and Jeffery would have begun the pilgrimage to the holy city of Detroit. However, Jeffery’s god is some upstart named Olaf, and so he was less than amused.
When they discovered it was me, Jeffery swore revenge.
Afro Kid does not like Jeffery. Therefore, he gave the sugar to everyone in the class except Jeffery. We proceeded to down our baggies, and as the inevitable sugar rush kicked in, Jeffery shouted, “I WILL END YOU!”
Apparently, by ‘you,’ he meant me.
You can guess what the mofo did: He deleted all my progress on Aerodynamics Science Project.
I must… I must begin my journey into the heart of aerodynamics again. ’Tis a noble quest, but ’tis a lonely one, and many a fine man has been felled by the blade of SparkNotes on the hunt for a C, if the explorer is lucky and the teacher kind of likes them. C is a very decent grade. Many of our parents are as happy to see them a C as they are an A in less sugar-dependent kids.
It occurs to me that I could revert the document to an older version and be scot free.
Take that, Jeffery.

October 3rd, 2017, 08:24 PM
Hilarious!!! Too bad it happened 2 1/2yrs ago...hope you graduated..