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Narhval
April 5th, 2015, 04:23 PM
So this is the prologue to a rather long story I'm writing which also happens to be the first story I'm ever writing. Would love some feedback and to hear if you guys want to see more :)

“The prophecy foretells that in a thousand years from now the gods of the elements will be reborn, but only should the world have taken a wrong turn and the balance been broken. They will be born all as relatives, but not brothers like they once were. They will live a human life until they realize who they really are at which time they will gather with the old wise one who will guide them to their destinies. Only one will know who he was before as he will have the gift of dreams from days past. He will be the one to decide the fate of both worlds.

When that day comes all will change and the world will never be the same. You will be the one to guide him Seyra, teach him well for the sake of all of us…”

Seyra looked back at her dying mother “I’ll try mother.” Then she turned around and fled from the carnage.

KellInkston
April 5th, 2015, 05:53 PM
Just a question, what precisely do you want us to give feedback on; just anything?

Thank you for clarifying. :]

Narhval
April 5th, 2015, 06:30 PM
Anything you fel like

Caragula
April 6th, 2015, 08:25 AM
If this is a scene with a daughter and dying mother I think it bears extending to portray her loss and whatever is going on around them. If I was at my mother's deathbed I'm not sure I'd get the monologue, say 'righto' and run off. There's obviously something they're in the middle of, some awful situation and this is the 'Princess Leia programming R2' moment, but we don't get to see it, and any emotional impact, which you can use effectively to set up your heroine, is wasted from the off. If it's a novel, you have plenty of room :)

Deafmute
April 11th, 2015, 04:05 AM
I like this as a start, I can see where you are going with it, and I am sure it will be a fun read, but this is a excerpt of a prologue not a prologue itself. A prologue should still be a scene, and though it often times throws you into the middle of something you don't understand, you still need to feel like you're there.

Something is happening here. Chaos is roaring around them and I want to see it. Tell me whats happening and use that to break up the monologue. Give the monologue urgency. The daughter may tell her mother not to speak, but the mom has to get this out she has to explain before its too late. Convince us that running off and leaving her dying mother is the only option this girl has, and make us feel her pain as she does it. Do all that and more clearly give that prophetic monologue and you will have yourself a great start to a book.

Hananas59
April 14th, 2015, 12:27 PM
I find the story you're trying to set up interesting, it contains foreshadowing and some very exciting elements.
One thing I find confusing is that you say in the beginning in a thousand years from now the god will be reborn but the kid will be the one to guide the god who has the dreams. Does the kid go into hibernation or does he also get reborn or the prophecy actually made a thousand years ago and now going to be fullfilled?

Also I agree you miss emotion and potential with the last few sentences.
I say this is a good point to work from, a nice "draft" to expand upon.

TMarie
April 25th, 2015, 04:29 PM
I am very green at writing, but I thought a prologue gave abit of history of where the story comes from, and this sounds more like an opening paragraph in the first chapter. As always, just my opinion, and will be watching for future posts of your story.

StephLondon
April 27th, 2015, 05:14 PM
I like this plot. Here are my two suggestions, either really go into a lot of details. Show us the carnage, let us feel Seyra's anguish at losing her mother, just really hit us hard with the whirlwind of events. Then, cut down the expo a bit. You don't want to show all of your cards right away. My second suggestion would be to cut the prologue and just use it as a basis. It's written well, but I'm wondering if it would be better to let the readers find all those details out later on, piece by piece.
Perhaps, if you want to do a prologue, you could work it so that it's mainly the character (Seyra) and her thoughts about losing her mother and what's happening around her. You know, narration and details to create suspense and a connection with her as a character.

Over all, I liked it. It's unique and, with some tweaking, it has a lot of potential.