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Crowley K. Jarvis
April 5th, 2015, 06:46 AM
Thanks to J.J. Maxx's Daily dose of dialogue, it really got me thinking and I started writing.

I'm just posting it here for future reference, as now it's technically become a chapter to a longer series featuring my favorite story and MC to write.

So it's another of Edmund's adventures if you've seen the other tidbit I wrote here about him.

Most of my story ends up being developed by dialogue anyways. So here goes. As always, thank you all if you read any of this weird stuff that I write, and let me know what you think!

---

Of Bombs and Names- Unnumbered Chapter



"Good Lord of Ul... Edmund, the core is still live!" Tamage said.

"No wonder there's so many of the Lost... They're feeding on its power." Edmund said.

Freiderick skipped about in the fleshy cave, whacking his staff on the bone shafts protruding from the humming machine. "Hm. It seems they designed a second core that would survive the impact... Oh...is that a filtration center?" He gave another tap on one of the machine's round cylinders.

"No, don't touch it you imbecile! We don't know how stable it is!" Edmund said.

"Um, who are you talking to?" Aiko said.

Edmund turned around to face a young girl, who stood at little more than a third his height. She was almost leering at him. "Youíre just like your father sometimes, you know that?" Edmund said, ignoring her question.

Aiko tilted her head. "What do you mean?"

"The way you look at others. Almost like you're jealous of anyone knowing something that you don't."

The cave shook. Its walls of flesh and bone stretched as they bent.

"Oh, the beast still draws breath! This prime will be awake any minute now, and I don't think it's too happy with its recent dental surgery..." Freiderick said between his chuckles. "Shall I go ahead and kill it, then?"

"No! The fallout alone would give a third of the world another winter, to say nothing of the blast radius..." Edmund said.

"Then snap its ribs." Tamage said rather calmly. "These filters are nothing but mana collectors for the core. Its breathing takes the very magic from the air. That's why it was so hard getting in here; the internal systems are highly pressurized. Its diaphragm will blow out if it's pushed any further. A few small charges here at the ribs should do it. Its blood will clog the filters, and the core will die."

"But we can't exactly leave once we crush its lungs, hm? Someone will have to stay and do it. I nominate the little girl!" Freiderick cackled.

"Edmund, just go! We're running out of time. I'll make the charges once you're outside, and set off the first to make sure it's mouth stays open." Tamage said.

Edmund looked between Tamage and the core. "I won't be any use without you, Tamage, you know that! We'll be eaten alive by the Lost!"

Tamage clasped her hands on Edmund's shoulders. "Edmund, you're a wise and incredible man. But, if you have one failing, it's your lack of trust in others."

Tamage looked at Aiko, and Edmund followed her gaze. "Very well. Goodbye, Tamage."

Edmund took Aiko by the arm, and they ran.

"Where are we going? Who was that girl?" Aiko said.

"Wait, you could-" Edmund stumbled as he heard the explosion, and the cave slowly tilted. Clinging to the now vertical walls, Edmund looked down to see the exit. Blood gushed from the giant's gums, holes bored where teeth had once been.

"Aiko, you have to jump! Freiderick will catch you!" Edmund said.

"Freiderick who?"

The second explosion shook the creature. Blood poured over them both, pushing them down. Frederick stretched his hand down, focusing.

Freiderick ran on the deck of the ship below the great beastís mouth. "Catch her!" Edmund shouted as they fell. The beast doubled over, choking on its own blood.

The last explosion collapsed its chest. Tamage is dead, Edmund thought, before he hit the deck.

Edmund awoke to see Aiko standing above him on the deck. The blood of the Lost had stained her limbs and hair dark violet. She was covered in cuts and bandages, and her clothes were in ribbons.

Edmund rubbed his temples and groaned. "Best

Aiko smiled. "You should look at yourself. I'm just glad you're alive."

Edmund noticed the splint on his leg. "I suppose I have you to thank for that, hm? Well...how long was I out?" Edmund asked.

"Nine days."

"Good lord! And you...what happened to you then?"

"They tried to attack you...those...things." Aiko said.

"But...my sword... It's too heavy for you, surely. Why didn't you just run?"

"Not everyone is as selfish as you, Edmund."

Edmund started to laugh, but only croaked. "Fair enough..."

"Now will you teach me?" Aiko said, looking at Edmund firmly.

"All things considered...I suppose I have...underestimated you. But, there is one matter of import left to discuss...well, two really." Edmund said.

"And what would that be?"

"Your name. Aiko. It's too...common. A master might rename an apprentice, and I think I've come to a conclusion. Fenella."

"Fenella?" Aiko said.

"No no, you're saying it wrong. Emphasis on the middle syllable! Fe-NEH-la!" Edmund said.

"Oh... Fenella. That does sound better. But why that name?"

"Because, it means: 'One with a fair shoulder!' Itís quite true in your case."

Aiko sighed. "Of all the names you could think of-"

"Up-bup!" Edmund said. "Now, you're heard my condition. Speak now or forever hold your peace!"

Aiko smiled. "Fine. If that is what you wish, sensei."

"Is that sarcasm I detect?" Edmund laughed. "Good to see you're learning something from me, at least... Now...we should probably start the ship...Do help me up, would you?

ShadowEyes
April 6th, 2015, 06:15 PM
It’s great dialogue because the characters are distinguishable and lively and it’s interesting, of course. It could really use some description, however, because I don’t know what’s going on at the moment, which is probably due to the fact that the story is already started somewhere. One thing that bothers me is that I’m not sure which time period these characters are supposed to inhabit. They use modern idioms, which could probably use substitution.

Also, there seems to be a logical inconsistency with the conflict. The conflict has to be consistent to be followed-through; otherwise, it’s coincidence, which is unsatisfying. For example, they either do know what they’re doing and don’t like each other or don’t know what they’re doing and want to work together. If they knew each other beforehand, they would have had a plan (making the dialogue moot) or not trusted each other; if they didn’t and just met, they would have argued about the plan, but not trusted each other (making it unlikely that they would win out, and Edmund would survive).

Furthermore, there’s talk of magic and snapping ribs and blood, but some of it seems to be not fully explained or considered for the reader. For instance:
Where are they positioned such that they can attack teeth and lungs and ribs all at once? Why does one character pass out and not wake up for so long? How are these facilities (inside of something) maintained? How do the characters end up inside of something and not know what to do; or even more so, not know each other? Why is there so much blood?

I’d love to read more to get a better grasp. Thanks.

Crowley K. Jarvis
April 6th, 2015, 06:25 PM
It’s great dialogue because the characters are distinguishable and lively and it’s interesting, of course. It could really use some description, however, because I don’t know what’s going on at the moment, which is probably due to the fact that the story is already started somewhere. One thing that bothers me is that I’m not sure which time period these characters are supposed to inhabit. They use modern idioms, which could probably use substitution.

Also, there seems to be a logical inconsistency with the conflict. The conflict has to be consistent to be followed-through; otherwise, it’s coincidence, which is unsatisfying. For example, they either do know what they’re doing and don’t like each other or don’t know what they’re doing and want to work together. If they knew each other beforehand, they would have had a plan (making the dialogue moot) or not trusted each other; if they didn’t and just met, they would have argued about the plan, but not trusted each other (making it unlikely that they would win out, and Edmund would survive).

Furthermore, there’s talk of magic and snapping ribs and blood, but some of it seems to be not fully explained or considered for the reader. For instance:
Where are they positioned such that they can attack teeth and lungs and ribs all at once? Why does one character pass out and not wake up for so long? How are these facilities (inside of something) maintained? How do the characters end up inside of something and not know what to do; or even more so, not know each other? Why is there so much blood?

I’d love to read more to get a better grasp. Thanks.

Thanks for actually reading it! Haha.

It was quite spur of the moment. The challenge was for dialogue so I should have waaay more scene setting... I'll re-write this. I see what you mean too about the uncertainty of the creature and facilities. Sometimes I forget that other people haven't heard of anything in the story.

Tamage and Freiderick are only splinters of Edmund's mind. Edmund though is very psionically gifted, and on occasion they will physically manifest as projections. But not often. So they already know eachother and bicker back and forth, so Aiko is the only new character that doesn't know.Edmund knew the creature housed a bomb, but simply wasn't sure how to defuse it... So that was the little discussion cause.

It will be a scene I'll keep for sure so I'm glad I can improve it now. Thanks! :D

ShadowEyes
April 6th, 2015, 06:39 PM
Thanks for actually reading it! Haha.

It was quite spur of the moment. The challenge was for dialogue so I should have waaay more scene setting... I'll re-write this. I see what you mean too about the uncertainty of the creature and facilities. Sometimes I forget that other people haven't heard of anything in the story.

Tamage and Freiderick are only splinters of Edmund's mind. Edmund though is very psionically gifted, and on occasion they will physically manifest as projections. But not often. So they already know eachother and bicker back and forth, so Aiko is the only new character that doesn't know.Edmund knew the creature housed a bomb, but simply wasn't sure how to defuse it... So that was the little discussion cause.

It will be a scene I'll keep for sure so I'm glad I can improve it now. Thanks! :D

You're welcome. Any time.

Once you explain the situation, my concern with the setting is that it might detract from the character/complication conflicts. From my own experience, I've always had trouble combining multiple conflicts (which I did because those were always the most interesting, and what finished books presented, even though finished books have much more plotting than I can contrive). And in this case, it seems like you're integrating the conflicts with the character motives/conflicts. So I would suggest: make sure you know exactly what the characters want because characters are usually the hardest things to invent. This scene seems to be a climax of some sort, so I would expect it to push the characters hard.

Then again, I'm just a beginner, too, so all the luck to you. For myself, it makes me feel better when I have an exact system of logic, which forms the sequence of the short story/scene. I presume that we'll both get it down with practice.

InnerFlame00
April 6th, 2015, 09:42 PM
I liked this, the premise is interesting and the dialogue reads smoothly for the most part. Obviously I'm missing some information. If this is the first chapter then it definitely needs more inforation because I was confused. If it isnt, next time include some context for us at the beginning of the post so we know what we may be missing since some of us may not have read other parts.


edmund turned around to face a young girl, who stood at little more than a third his height. She was almost leering at him.

I have a couple problems with this paragraph. Introducing the girl in this way is a bit confusing. It would be better to say he turned around to face Aiko because he knows her. The way you introduced her into the scene made me assume this was some random girl, so the familier way he addresses her confused me further.

The second problem is the word leering. It can mean to look at someone in an unpleasant manner, but it is more often used to describe a lavicious look, or having perverse intent.

Overall, as an exercise in dialogue this works pretty well. Keep at it! :)

Crowley K. Jarvis
April 6th, 2015, 10:29 PM
@Both of ya, thanks again.

The story is indeed much bigger, and I know there's alot the reader doesn't know.I'm just glad it was intriguing enough not to stop reading immediately, haha.

As for the timeline, it's about nine thousand years ahead of modern day. Edmund has learned many languages but sticks to english in his thoughts, and is one of the only few who remembers the old ways and terms. Ours, that is, haha. There were several world wars throughout those years. The first was nuclear. The second was magical. Edmund's goal is to either kill the large creatures and mutants, (He dubbed them the Lost ones) and remove that destructive magical technology.

So I intended for his story to be more or less a classical tragedy.

This series of his will be insanely long, but eventually, his selfishness and extreme introversion will prove to be his 'tragic flaws,' and bring him much pain in the end. But the story and backstory will thus be full of mysterious things and details that will be slowly unraveled. I just have to work on that process as a writer I see. But I'm just glad nobody said it sucked! At least I know it's feasible now.

Only one question for anyone with forum-savvy. if I do a large re-work of this chapter... Should I go ahead and just make a new thread in the workshop? hahaha.

R. Mountebank
April 6th, 2015, 11:16 PM
Good dialouge and an interesting premise.
The other critiques summed it up. Needs more of an introduction plus descriptions etc.
As an exercise in dialouge it worked though.

One sore point is that he is not very upset of the death of his friend/friends.

Would like to read some more.

Cheers

NathanBrazil
April 7th, 2015, 03:16 AM
I did enjoy the dialog but had the same issue with not know what's going on. Can you link the other story?

I noted a couple of nits.


Edmund rubbed his temples and groaned. "Best
Not sure if a part has been chopped off or just missing an end quote.


"Up-bup!" Edmund said. "Now, you're heard my condition. Speak now or forever hold your peace!"
Should be you've, I think.


The concept of having splinters of the mind that can psychically manifest themselves is very interesting. And the conflicts between the schisms of his mind are the most entertaining.

Though, I did enjoy the dialog, it feels disjointed; like it needs a polish or too. I think you may have made a comment to the effect, that you're planning a re-write.
I'd like to see the edited version.

Anyway, thanks for sharing.