PDA

View Full Version : Leak tw: depression



tiphhhhh
April 3rd, 2015, 04:41 AM
I have no reason to believe that happiness exists. I search for it, like one might search for a four leafed clover in a sea of green. I have never found it though.

Of course, sometimes I have believed I have found it, that I have plucked my rare gem from a mountain of soot and decay, but upon closer look, it becomes apparent that it is only an imitation of what I have been looking for.
I pour the things that are supposed to make us (“us”: in two little letters I have encompassed the entirety of the human race) happy, but they are just fillers in a vessel that is slowly leaking.

What happens when you no longer have the energy to keep finding the means to fill that vessel up? When the notion of opening your eyes and facing the day is too much to bear? When the thought of attempting meaningful relationships fills you with dread? When you can’t BEAR the idea of attempting to slap a smile on that stretch of phony skin you call your face? I’ll tell you what happens: you drop the vessel, that damned leaking thing that you have tended to for so long, too long. You let it crash to the floor, and your pick up the pieces and fling them to every corner of the universe with all the strength you have left in that tired corpse you’ve been dragging around for twenty-two years. You throw those pieces, never to be put back together again.

I have no reason to believe that happiness exists, and I pity those who do.

----



I really just wrote this spur of the moment. This is a first draft, not sure if it will become part of something more or not.

masontrc
April 6th, 2015, 01:16 PM
I think this piece has great potential. I think the best idea is to keep writing until you figure out what you want this piece to be. Often times when I am writing, the piece I produce differs greatly from how I initially imagined it. Sometimes, I don't even know what the story is until the middle of it. Either way, it's your task to figure out what you want it to be. Do some free writing today. It will greatly help.

escorial
April 6th, 2015, 01:28 PM
first drafts always have a rawness and edge that often gets lost when there then polished and refined...........you can achieve both i guess but i do like first drafts.

ShadowEyes
April 6th, 2015, 11:48 PM
It's been said that depression is like a mental furnace, so debilitating that you can scarcely move from your bed, and so silent that it hangs over your face like a fringe. With characters, what can cause someone to do something drastic, though? If you write about depressed people, make it so strong that it encompasses all depression, so angry that it burns like laser vision. You can fish a lot out of this murky pond.

I hope you do.

tiphhhhh
April 15th, 2015, 04:07 AM
Thank you for all of your feedback so far! :)

Airlyeth
April 15th, 2015, 12:30 PM
I really like the atmosphere surrounding this and as escorial says, it has a rawness to it that comes from just sitting down and writing whatever is in your head.

I can read Plath in this as well, not just the subject matter but the rhythm and the language. It works well. I do feel, however, that you might have stretched the imagery of the vessel a little bit too far. I found it difficult to see what you were talking about in my minds eye and, in turn, that diminished how I felt.

If you wanted to refine it, I'd recognise re-reading it and 'tightening' it up. Do you say the same thing twice? Can you vary sentence length to give it more punch? What are your images really trying to convey and how can you do that better?

Overall, though, I enjoyed it :)

musichal
April 18th, 2015, 03:18 PM
I thought this well-written overall. I agree with most of Airlyeth's comments save possibly one. I'm not sure the imagery of the vessel was stretched too far, but rather slightly awkward in expression. Leaving off the parenthetical comment, your sentence reads,

"I pour the things that are supposed to make us happy, but they are just fillers in a vessel that is slowly leaking."

Just adding "in" after pour makes it clearer:

"I pour in the things that are supposed to make us happy, but they are just fillers in a vessel that is slowly leaking."

However, I think ridding some extraneous words can be even better.

"I pour in things supposed to make us happy, but they are only fillers in a vessel slowly leaking."

However, "pour in" still doesn't seem quite right to my ear; personalize it:

"I drink in things supposed to make us happy ("us" - in two letters I encompass the human race); they are but liquid filler in a vessel slowly leaking."

Something along those lines... I'm sure you can do better than my examples.

Super minor: delete the typo "r" on "your pick up the pieces."

Your writing and idea are excellent here. A little similar editing/rewriting to the final pragraph will flesh it out. :)

dither
April 18th, 2015, 03:32 PM
first drafts always have a rawness and edge that often gets lost when there then polished and refined...........you can achieve both i guess but i do like first drafts.
I totally agree with this, polishing and refining is a skill i've yet to learn but then i'm still trying to write lol, but how far does one go with p&r?
Keep it raw imo and just sleep on it.

dither
April 18th, 2015, 03:34 PM
It's been said that depression is like a mental furnace, so debilitating that you can scarcely move from your bed, and so silent that it hangs over your face like a fringe. With characters, what can cause someone to do something drastic, though? If you write about depressed people, make it so strong that it encompasses all depression, so angry that it burns like laser vision. You can fish a lot out of this murky pond.

I hope you do.

ShadowEyes, anger is not something that i'd associate with deression.
Sadness, disappointment and resignation is all i see but then i'm old.

StephLondon
April 27th, 2015, 01:23 PM
This was powerful. I can't believe you wrote it randomly. It sounds like the basis for a really interesting character. Personally, my favorite characters to write are ones devoid of hope and happiness, that are okay with giving into their darker side. I only really have two critiques. The first being that you use "I have" a lot which, in my head, reads awkwardly. Maybe change a couple to "I've?" My second critique, please don't stop writing this. It's amazing, honestly. I'm really glad I was able to read it.

Blade
April 27th, 2015, 07:26 PM
I found this to be an engaging piece which could be expanded without any loss of life. One line in particular is striking:


Of course, sometimes I have believed I have found it, that I have plucked my rare gem from a mountain of soot and decay, but upon closer look, it becomes apparent that it is only an imitation of what I have been looking for.

First of all it suggests the question of how do you go about looking for something if you don't know what it is but also it seems to assume that the attitude of defeat takes priority over actual experience. i.e. The fact that it is found decrees its devaluation.:scratch: This is certainly not an optimistic approach.:cower:

Cardboardzen
May 3rd, 2015, 02:39 AM
Depression is the master of futility. The God of nihilism. I like the words. I want to put them in my month and taste them. I wonder if they are of substance? Will they bring me nutrition? Probably not. But I like the color of your words.

Glenn_Beckett
May 3rd, 2015, 03:05 AM
One thing I think is particularly interesting about depression, and Plath is pretty great at capturing this, is how boring and empty and just tedious even things you typically enjoy become. Everything starts to ring hollow. You start to dig at that a little, but abstractly. Don't forget to balance the abstract and concrete.