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LOLeah
March 29th, 2015, 05:59 PM
I've been doing some romance writing exercises, as I plan to incorporate some romantic and sexual themes into my historical fiction/fantasy novel. This type of writing is where I am most unsure of myself, as it is not my main focus, so I could really use some feedback. This is just an exercise I did, for clarification purposes this is the first physically romantic encounter between the characters and happens during a staged fight, my male character is teaching my female character to defend herself with no weapons. I realize the dual POV is unusual but I don't know, I think it could work? Any insight on that or any other critique would be really helpful.

"Her last manuever brought her in front of him, totally vulnerable, and without his quickness of reflexes to stop what she knew was coming. The rest of his body still as a statue, his arm shot out. She attempted to deflect it but was too late and too weak. His right hand was at her throat and he pushed her violently backwards, stopping his momentum just before her impact with the stone of the wall behind her. He then pinned her gently but assertively and his fingers curled ever so slightly around her neck, applying just enough pressure to ascertain that in a real fight she would at this moment be defeated, unable to move without him crushing her windpipe.

Her breath was coming in gasps after the struggle and there was hair in her face and sweat on her brow. He was breathing heavily through his nose but not even winded enough to be panting as she was, the bastard. His fingers had loosened but his hand was still at her throat. She tilted her head back to rest against the wall and gave him a sheepish half smile and raised one eyebrow. She brought one hand up to rest on the arm still holding her prisoner and used the other to wipe the sweaty strands out of her face so she could meet his eyes. What she saw there gave her a jolt that wasn't quite fear.

He didn't know what he was doing. Staring at her neck had occupied him to distraction on more than one occassion. He had never before been so captivated by this particiular part of a woman. He admired the swell of their breasts, the curve of their hips under their gowns and imagined the rest in vulgar detail but never had he been so interested in the always visible, smooth, white skin of a throat or the delicate line of bones, so innocently feminine. He found himself relaxing his grip but keeping his hand on her and taking a step closer, to where their bodies were a mere inch apart. He had to look directly down to see his hand descend and begin to trace the ridges and hollows of her collarbone with his fingertips.

Chancing a look at her face, there was surprise and a cautious question there but no distaste and that was enough encouragement for him. Before he lost the nerve to do something he had thought about for months, he brought his hand up to cup her face. He brushed his thumb over her bottom lip, still parted from her upper in breathlessness, and with one last look into her eyes, searching for any sign of fear or uncertainty and finding none, he bent his head and kissed her."

KellInkston
March 30th, 2015, 05:43 AM
Oh~

I like this, very detailed and quick with actions and emotions. The intensity of the situation is very alluring, and I think that's the main thing you need for that sort of scene, for the reader to feel the heat of the engagement. I also think the dual POV is a good choice to relay the feelings on both sides. Definitely in a emotional sequence like this where facial expressions and actions are just barely enough, a dual POV can be excused, maybe even encouraged- nice job.

Honestly I wouldn't change a thing. The writing looks tight to me and there's not really anything I'd want changed. Very sexy~

LOLeah
March 30th, 2015, 03:14 PM
Oh~

I like this, very detailed and quick with actions and emotions. The intensity of the situation is very alluring, and I think that's the main thing you need for that sort of scene, for the reader to feel the heat of the engagement. I also think the dual POV is a good choice to relay the feelings on both sides. Definitely in a emotional sequence like this where facial expressions and actions are just barely enough, a dual POV can be excused, maybe even encouraged- nice job.

Honestly I wouldn't change a thing. The writing looks tight to me and there's not really anything I'd want changed. Very sexy~
Thank you so much! This is actually the first piece of anything I have ever submitted for critique so I was really nervous. Lol Even though I was just playing around with romance writing and haven't even started my book yet I had my 2 main characters of my novel in mind when I wrote this. And I worried that the intensity wouldn't come across because the reader is missing the rest of the story which includes a pretty slow and cautious build of their relationship. I'm so pleased it was effective, thank you again. :)

KellInkston
March 30th, 2015, 08:49 PM
Gladly- I understand where you're coming from; being nervous about the excerpt and all. I've had a few times people couldn't get into my writing due to the lack of investment. I'm sure that, if the kiss scene is this good, you've likely built up the tension between these two characters for a little while now, so that would make it even better.

Again, great job~

escorial
March 30th, 2015, 09:28 PM
i do enjoy a short piece without dialogue..liked

Sonata
March 30th, 2015, 09:53 PM
I remember my first kiss. It was on a boat on Regent's Park Lake in London.

And I dropped the camera in the water.

Father was not pleased because it was his camera.

EmmaSohan
March 31st, 2015, 05:23 AM
I thought this was excellent.

A really small thing, you lost me on "he admired the swell". I thought you were talking about her. I think if you had said "He had admired the swell" all problems are solved.

Still small, a period after vulgar detail?

LOLeah
March 31st, 2015, 04:32 PM
I thought this was excellent.

A really small thing, you lost me on "he admired the swell". I thought you were talking about her. I think if you had said "He had admired the swell" all problems are solved.

Still small, a period after vulgar detail?

You're right. I wanted to convey that he noticed things about her he didn't in other women but I can see where that might cause a pause/confusion.

And right about the period too, unnecessarily long sentences are my kryptonite. Lol Thank you.

DemonKnight
April 8th, 2015, 06:10 AM
I've never tried my hand at writing romance scenes, but this is pretty good. I would, however, consider replacing the word "prone" with something like "vulnerable".

"Her last maneuver brought her in front of him, totally prone, and without his quickness of reflexes to stop what she knew was coming."

As used in relation to body position, prone typically describes someone who is lying face down.

John Oberon
April 10th, 2015, 01:15 PM
Her last manuever brought her in front of him, totally prone, and without his quickness of reflexes to stop what she knew was coming.

DemonKnight is right. "Prone" means she was laying face down on the ground in front of him. Tell me how any of the rest of the story happens with her starting in that position. Also, "prone" is not a word to take an adverb like "totally"; either you're prone or not, you can't be partially prone. Fix that, then I'll critique the rest.

LOLeah
April 11th, 2015, 01:08 AM
I was using prone as more of a synonym of vulnerable (which it is as far as I know) and not to describe her actual position. But if at least 2 minds were hung up on it I suppose there is a better word.


ETA
Prone seems to be one of those fickle words. It can mean apt, vulnerable or lying flat. Is my concession that a reader might be prone (I slay me) to inferring the position definition sufficient or do I have to literally edit the original post before you will critique the rest? :lol:

Kevin
April 11th, 2015, 04:55 AM
He's very assertive :) Yes . I agree . You've written a series of physical descriptions so naturally we assume that 'prone' is part of that... most common usage, etc.

LOLeah
April 11th, 2015, 01:19 PM
I changed it. May as well use the word I was meaning in the first place. Important lesson here for me about avoiding those words if I am able.

Kevin
April 11th, 2015, 03:47 PM
or changing the context. If you'd said 'feeling prone'... but then would that be telling too much? Use it, don't use it? Choices, choices, and I thought this writing stuff was supposed to come easy.

John Oberon
April 22nd, 2015, 04:48 PM
OK, back from vacation. Sorry for the delay.

I think you clutter the scene with unneeded detail and clumsy wording. Also had some typos and misspellings. There are good parts to it, but that mincing detail really clogs the works. Learn how to present ideas and feelings more efficiently, and you'll do your readers a favor. Also, ending with a little poetry in a scene like this can't hurt. Little bit of POV problem in paragraphs 2 and 3. Something like this:

Her last maneuver brought her in front of him, totally vulnerable. Suddenly, his right hand gripped her by the throat. She attempted to deflect it, but couldn’t, and he drove her violently backwards with an arm of iron, stopping his momentum just before her impact with the stone wall behind her. He pinned her gently but assertively against the wall, his fingers applying just enough pressure to display his complete dominance over her.

She panted from the struggle. Hair veiled her face and sweat beaded on her brow while he barely breathed heavily. She leaned her head back against the wall and smiled sheepishly, raising one eyebrow. She hooked one hand on his outstretched arm and wiped the sweaty strands from her face with the other. What she saw in his eyes tingled her with a sensation not unlike fear.

Her neck occupied him to distraction on more than one occasion. He was never before so captivated by this particular part of a woman. He admired the swell of breasts and the curve of hips under gowns, and imagined the rest in vulgar detail, but the smooth, white skin of a throat, or the delicate line of bones so innocently feminine never entranced him so. He relaxed his grip a bit, and stepped close, feeling the heat of her body. His hand descended and traced the ridges and hollows of her collarbone with his fingertips.

She gazed at him with questioning and growing desire. He cupped her face with his hand and lightly brushed his thumb over her lips still parted with breathlessness, and with penetrating eyes, searched her soul for any sign of
fear or uncertainty. Finding none, he drank of the lips that had enflamed his soul for months.

LOLeah
April 23rd, 2015, 01:27 AM
Clumsy wording and I don't know how to present ideas or feelings effectively. So basically I don't know how to write. Lol yikes. Thanks for taking the time to read and respond.

TKent
April 23rd, 2015, 02:52 AM
LOLeah,

This was great stuff. It felt quite natural and gave me a warm and tingly. I enjoy a good romance. I find it hard for it to come off feeling natural so kudos to you (and your writing).

I do think you need to choose a POV and stick with it at least for a scene. I've often seen romance novels where an entire event is told first in one POV and then in the other POV but they were separated into different scenes or chapters (and sometimes even books - one of the entire story in her point of view and one in his). Jumping back and forth within a scene (sometimes called headhopping) can be challenging to follow. I had to go back once I hit the third paragraph to refresh myself on whose point of view the first 2 were in. If may be a little harder to write the entire scene in one or the other but I would do it if it were mine.

There is a book called 'Rivet Your Readers with Deep POV' by Jill Elizabeth Nelson that is a very good one on POV if you happen to like reading. I think Kyle R recommended it to me awhile back.

LOLeah
April 23rd, 2015, 04:18 AM
LOLeah,

This was great stuff. It felt quite natural and gave me a warm and tingly. I enjoy a good romance. I find it hard for it to come off feeling natural so kudos to you (and your writing).

I do think you need to choose a POV and stick with it at least for a scene. I've often seen romance novels where an entire event is told first in one POV and then in the other POV but they were separated into different scenes or chapters (and sometimes even books - one of the entire story in her point of view and one in his). Jumping back and forth within a scene (sometimes called headhopping) can be challenging to follow. I had to go back once I hit the third paragraph to refresh myself on whose point of view the first 2 were in. If may be a little harder to write the entire scene in one or the other but I would do it if it were mine.

There is a book called 'Rivet Your Readers with Deep POV' by Jill Elizabeth Nelson that is a very good one on POV if you happen to like reading. I think Kyle R recommended it to me awhile back.
I actually just learned this is called headhopping in the last few weeks (after I wrote and posted this) so now I can see why it's problematic. Even before I questioned it but I was so inclined to show what he was thinking. I will definitely check out this POV book, it's something I need a better grasp on. Thank you for kindness and advice.

John Oberon
April 23rd, 2015, 01:05 PM
Clumsy wording and I don't know how to present ideas or feelings effectively. So basically I don't know how to write. Lol yikes. Thanks for taking the time to read and respond.

No, that's not basically it at all. I did not say that you don't know how to write. I think you have a lot of potential. There are literally millions of ways to write your scene, and I presented you with just one that corrects the specific problems I saw in your writing. Also, I didn't say you don't know how to present ideas or feelings effectively. They were effective enough, given the responses you received. I said you need to learn to present them efficiently...as concisely as you can. Compare:

He then pinned her gently but assertively and his fingers curled ever so slightly around her neck, applying just enough pressure to ascertain that in a real fight she would at this moment be defeated, unable to move without him crushing her windpipe.

He pinned her gently but assertively against the wall, his fingers applying just enough pressure to display his complete dominance over her.

You use 43 words. I use 22. In your version, you use "ascertain", like the man's testing to discover whether he can defeat this woman in a real fight. In my version, he already knows that, but wants her to know it. Which do you think has more credibility and enters the reader's brain more readily?

I also think you're trying to present the male as some sort of man-child. He needs to test if he can defeat this girl, he doesn't know what he's doing, he needs encouragement, he's likely to lose his nerve. To heck with that crap, baby. Stop watering him down. Let's see the fire! As a male, I can say that from my earliest hormones, I knew exactly what I wanted, knew exactly what I was doing, needed zero encouragement, and sure, experienced nervousness about possible rejection from the girl and my performance as a novice, but zero nervousness about trying if I thought she liked me, lol. I don't think I'm at all unusual in that department.

If you like to get into each character's mind, use third person omniscient.

LOLeah
April 23rd, 2015, 06:32 PM
No, that's not basically it at all. I did not say that you don't know how to write. I think you have a lot of potential. There are literally millions of ways to write your scene, and I presented you with just one that corrects the specific problems I saw in your writing. Also, I didn't say you don't know how to present ideas or feelings effectively. They were effective enough, given the responses you received. I said you need to learn to present them efficiently...as concisely as you can. Compare:

He then pinned her gently but assertively and his fingers curled ever so slightly around her neck, applying just enough pressure to ascertain that in a real fight she would at this moment be defeated, unable to move without him crushing her windpipe.

He pinned her gently but assertively against the wall, his fingers applying just enough pressure to display his complete dominance over her.

You use 43 words. I use 22. In your version, you use "ascertain", like the man's testing to discover whether he can defeat this woman in a real fight. In my version, he already knows that, but wants her to know it. Which do you think has more credibility and enters the reader's brain more readily?

I also think you're trying to present the male as some sort of man-child. He needs to test if he can defeat this girl, he doesn't know what he's doing, he needs encouragement, he's likely to lose his nerve. To heck with that crap, baby. Stop watering him down. Let's see the fire! As a male, I can say that from my earliest hormones, I knew exactly what I wanted, knew exactly what I was doing, needed zero encouragement, and sure, experienced nervousness about possible rejection from the girl and my performance as a novice, but zero nervousness about trying if I thought she liked me, lol. I don't think I'm at all unusual in that department.

If you like to get into each character's mind, use third person omniscient.
You're right. I'm too verbose and I know efficiency is a problem, you're not the only person to note it and even if you were I am humble enough to see the truth in it. I was recently told by someone else to completely forget everything I think I know about adverbs. LOL As an amateur it just gets discouraging sometimes, when the list of things I don't know piles high. But we all have to start somewhere, right?

The characters involved here are from a novel I'm working on...after months of research because it's historical fiction and I only have like 5k words so far and this scene is far ahead of me. I wanted to play around with the love story a bit and now I'm glad I did. But his uncertainty makes more sense with the rest of the story in place but now that you mention it, he really isn't that type of guy. SO since this scene is just an idea right now it will definitely be completely rewritten and I will be keeping your advice in mind.

TKent
April 23rd, 2015, 06:36 PM
I read somewhere that over time, some of the corrections that you make during revisions become muscle memory (brain muscle that is) so that you autocorrect as you write the first draft. I loved hearing that! It gave me hope :)


You're right. I'm too verbose and I know efficiency is a problem, you're not the only person to note it and even if you were I am humble enough to see the truth in it. I was recently told by someone else to completely forget everything I think I know about adverbs. LOL As an amateur it just gets discouraging sometimes, when the list of things I don't know piles high. But we all have to start somewhere, right?

ETA: But to be clear, I'll always have to revise. I will just do some of it as I go naturally in the first draft.

John Oberon
April 23rd, 2015, 08:03 PM
I read somewhere that over time, some of the corrections that you make during revisions become muscle memory (brain muscle that is) so that you autocorrect as you write the first draft. I loved hearing that! It gave me hope :)

ETA: But to be clear, I'll always have to revise. I will just do some of it as I go naturally in the first draft.

That's about how I edit...right as I go along.

John Oberon
April 23rd, 2015, 08:06 PM
You're right. I'm too verbose and I know efficiency is a problem, you're not the only person to note it and even if you were I am humble enough to see the truth in it. I was recently told by someone else to completely forget everything I think I know about adverbs. LOL As an amateur it just gets discouraging sometimes, when the list of things I don't know piles high. But we all have to start somewhere, right?

The characters involved here are from a novel I'm working on...after months of research because it's historical fiction and I only have like 5k words so far and this scene is far ahead of me. I wanted to play around with the love story a bit and now I'm glad I did. But his uncertainty makes more sense with the rest of the story in place but now that you mention it, he really isn't that type of guy. SO since this scene is just an idea right now it will definitely be completely rewritten and I will be keeping your advice in mind.

Visit Hammer & Tongs on my website and read "About Hammer & Tongs". That'll put some horsepower in your writing right away, baby.

Kyle R
April 24th, 2015, 01:06 AM
Hi LOLeah!

I dug this. Lots of sexual tension there. It's a great mini scene. I can see a lot of romance readers furiously turning the page to find out what happens next. :D

Rivet your Readers with Deep POV, as TKent mentioned, offers some great instruction on how to erase that pesky invisible narrator that appears in so many third-person stories, if you're interested.

For example, this passage of yours:

He didn't know what he was doing. Staring at her neck had occupied him to distraction on more than one occassion. He had never before been so captivated by this particiular part of a woman. He admired the swell of their breasts, the curve of their hips under their gowns and imagined the rest in vulgar detail but never had he been so interested in the always visible, smooth, white skin of a throat or the delicate line of bones, so innocently feminine.

Here we have an invisible narrator who's relaying the internal state of the male character to the reader. But who is this invisible narrator, and do we even need him/her at all? Deep POV strives to eliminate this authorial voice by painting the narration with the voice of the character instead.

For example (rewriting the above passage in deep POV):

Before he knew it he was . . . what was he doing, exactly? Other than staring at her neck? That smooth, vulnerable slope of pale skin. It sure wasn't his first time looking at this part of her, either. But like this? Never before had he been so captivated by this particiular part in a woman. The swell of their breasts, sure. The curve of their hips under their gowns. Hell, he'd spent enough time imagining the rest in vulgar detail, but never had he been so interested in a goddamned throat.

See how Deep POV sounds like the narration comes from the character, instead of being about the character?

Deep POV basically means you don't write in the voice of yourself (the author) anymore. Your third-person narration, instead, gets filtered through the voice of the POV character.

So, if that style of writing interests you, check out the book that TKent mentioned!

Also, if you're interested in writing romance with a head-hopping style, you might want to check out some fiction by Nora Roberts. She's made a career out of writing this way—and she's one of the most successful authors in the world. :encouragement:

aggieamy
June 17th, 2015, 02:34 AM
I've been doing some romance writing exercises, as I plan to incorporate some romantic and sexual themes into my historical fiction/fantasy novel. This type of writing is where I am most unsure of myself, as it is not my main focus, so I could really use some feedback. This is just an exercise I did, for clarification purposes this is the first physically romantic encounter between the characters and happens during a staged fight, my male character is teaching my female character to defend herself with no weapons. I realize the dual POV is unusual but I don't know, I think it could work? Any insight on that or any other critique would be really helpful.

"Her last manuever brought her in front of him, totally vulnerable, and without his quickness of reflexes to stop what she knew was coming. The rest of his body still as a statue, his arm shot out. She attempted to deflect it but was too late and too weak. His right hand was at her throat and he pushed her violently backwards, stopping his momentum just before her impact with the stone of the wall behind her. He then pinned her gently but assertively and his fingers curled ever so slightly around her neck, applying just enough pressure to ascertain that in a real fight she would at this moment be defeated, unable to move without him crushing her windpipe.

Her breath was coming in gasps after the struggle and there was hair in her face and sweat on her brow. He was breathing heavily through his nose but not even winded enough to be panting as she was, the bastard. His fingers had loosened but his hand was still at her throat. She tilted her head back to rest against the wall and gave him a sheepish half smile and raised one eyebrow. She brought one hand up to rest on the arm still holding her prisoner and used the other to wipe the sweaty strands out of her face so she could meet his eyes. What she saw there gave her a jolt that wasn't quite fear.

He didn't know what he was doing. Staring at her neck had occupied him to distraction on more than one occassion. He had never before been so captivated by this particiular part of a woman. He admired the swell of their breasts, the curve of their hips under their gowns and imagined the rest in vulgar detail but never had he been so interested in the always visible, smooth, white skin of a throat or the delicate line of bones, so innocently feminine. He found himself relaxing his grip but keeping his hand on her and taking a step closer, to where their bodies were a mere inch apart. He had to look directly down to see his hand descend and begin to trace the ridges and hollows of her collarbone with his fingertips.

Chancing a look at her face, there was surprise and a cautious question there but no distaste and that was enough encouragement for him. Before he lost the nerve to do something he had thought about for months, he brought his hand up to cup her face. He brushed his thumb over her bottom lip, still parted from her upper in breathlessness, and with one last look into her eyes, searching for any sign of fear or uncertainty and finding none, he bent his head and kissed her."

Overall - loved it. The descriptions felt sexy and I wanted to read more.

Specific comments - I'm a newbie so take that into consideration when reading my comments.
*I thought the first sentence was too clunky. I don't know exactly what was wrong with it but I had to read it through twice to understand what it was saying.
*"He was breathing heavily through his nose but not even winded enough to be panting as she was, the bastard." - Talking about him breathing through his nose sounds a bit strange. I understand what you are going for but the nose is not a sexy body part so I was taken out of the story to think ... Ha. Noses are not sexy.
*I like his internal thoughts and "He admired the swell of their breasts, the curve of their hips under their gowns and imagined the rest in vulgar detail but never had he been so interested in the always visible, smooth, white skin of a throat or the delicate line of bones, so innocently feminine." is an awesome sentence!

ETA - I see you're in Lawrence. I'm in Overland Park. We're neighbors!

workinmom64
June 19th, 2015, 04:20 PM
Wow! Let me just start by saying I do read a lot of romance novels and this is up there with the best. This is really interesting because they are in the middle of fighting then it becomes intimate. It seems like these two have encountered each other before. The great thing about romance is the uncertainty and the thrill of taking that chance. This sounds like a great beginning to a hot sex scene or maybe she gets away and leaves him wanting until they meet again.
The level of detail in your writing is amazing. I could visualize the entire scene like a tv show in HD.
Keep it up!

Warren40
July 15th, 2015, 12:26 PM
I think there were two levels of personal experience on show here. You wrote the familiar desire and physical attraction well. I enjoyed that part and could have imagined at some point thinking those things. The violence however was a little off. I didn't feel that it was authentic but then not many people have actually been strangled and pushed against a wall. I guess its hard to imagine and write something so primitive without having lived it. (not suggesting you get yourself into that position by the way)
I guess I would have to ask for advice on how those kind of things feel.

A game of two halves that I enjoyed all the same.

Arthur
July 19th, 2015, 08:59 AM
I thoroughly enjoyed reading your exercise, one thing I noticed was that most sentences started with "He" or "She". Obviously this would be reduced in a proper context because the characters would have names but perhaps rearranging some of the sentences so that the action or emotion is first before the pronoun would let the reader sink further in, it would also allow some of the shorter sentences to be combined so it was a little less stop start.

I echo your sentiments on being unsure in writing these sorts of scenes, quite often I skip writing them entirely because I find myself so cringeworthy!

Pursuit
July 20th, 2015, 08:01 PM
Very descriptive to there actions ^^ The ending is kind of simple though, were he bent his head and kissed her.

Apex Predator
July 26th, 2015, 05:03 PM
Very heated emotion and well written sentences.

I enjoyed this very much and even got a bit revved up with some tender emotions.

Keep it up! :smile:

Moody
August 9th, 2015, 12:15 AM
Haha is it getting hot in here, or is it just me? :joyous:

I don't have a lot to say that hasn't all ready been said about the actual piece. I just wanna say in response to you getting discouraged that you're never going to improve if you don't accept the fact that you need improving. Ya know, when I was growing up I heard a lot of my teachers tell me what a great writer I was. Needless to say, it gave me a big head. So much in fact that when I grew a little older I thought that I had some kind of innate gift that would allow me to write masterpieces with little to no practice.

The thing is, no one's like that. No one is good without practice and critiquing. After a lot of reading you'll even be able to critique your OWN stuff. The only thing you need to be a good writer is the ability to learn and grow. If you have those two things, you're all ready on your way.

The thing I would hate most is for someone to just skim my work, pat me on the back, and say "good job!" Because I know that wouldn't help me get better. When I do finally post something on here I hope someone can point stuff out to me that I didn't know before. That's the attitude you need to have.

dummy
August 22nd, 2015, 09:43 PM
^^ The ending is kind of simple though, were he bent his head and kissed her.

I agree with Pursuit. This piece is discriptive throughout, but te ending is quick and easy. Other than that, I really liked reading this. :)

Wraith_of_kindness
October 10th, 2015, 03:18 AM
I really enjoyed your contribution. I love to write in that detailed passionate style. I am looking forward to reading more.

Thank you...Matthew

Reichelina
November 19th, 2015, 09:15 AM
That was awesome!
I'm 24 and haven't had my first kiss yet. (Yeah.... Sorry)
I kinda felt the whole scene as of it was my first kiss, you know. You do use amazing words! :)

Maxton
November 27th, 2015, 05:45 AM
I loved it, very well written. I was drawn in and wanting to see more, and found I was mildly disappointed when it ended. I did not find the dual POV to be distracting, and thought it worked well in the scene. I got the impression that this was a kiss of exploration of feelings and not a kiss of "lets go find a bedroom". So I thought the voice and pacing worked well to establish that feeling I had.

paryno
December 8th, 2015, 06:24 PM
Wow, this is very well written. Very emotional and passionate.

LOLeah
December 10th, 2015, 12:23 AM
Thank you all so much for the feedback and encouragement. I feel like most of you liked it and I also feel like I have grown and learned so much in the short time since I wrote this. I plan on posting another tidbit from my work in progress soon. Thank you all again.

Furia
January 7th, 2016, 09:08 AM
It's well written, I liked it, partly cause it reminds me of Dimitri and Rose in Vampire Academy series. Though that might be problem too.

PrinzeCharming
January 7th, 2016, 01:41 PM
I've been doing some romance writing exercises, as I plan to incorporate some romantic and sexual themes into my historical fiction/fantasy novel. This type of writing is where I am most unsure of myself, as it is not my main focus, so I could really use some feedback. This is just an exercise I did, for clarification purposes this is the first physically romantic encounter between the characters and happens during a staged fight, my male character is teaching my female character to defend herself with no weapons. I realize the dual POV is unusual but I don't know, I think it could work? Any insight on that or any other critique would be really helpful.

I am looking forward to sharing my romance writing exercises in the near future with this community. I am currently preparing an online course called, "Caressing the Pen; Sensual Writing for Lovers." I will admit that most of my writing is experienced based to ensure that the genuine feeling of romance is conveyed effectively. These exercises are used throughout the production of my YA romance novel. Although romance is not a main focus, try to make it a date. Get comfortable with yourself and your thoughts. Most of the time, comfort is expressed through context. Sensual writing should never be forced, but felt.

Edit:

I was busy earlier to leave a review, so I am returning. Here's how I felt about it. I am an advocate for short women. I've dated someone 4'11. I've always been passionate to mount people against the wall like plasma television screens (with or without intent to seduce). The pin scene spoke to me because of my desire to control the intimate situation and maintain dominance. I appreciate the motive to balance the act of being gentle and assertive. If done correctly, they will melt from seeing how much you crave their presence. Ah, the pressure. The best part about applying pressure to the neck is not only the arousal building up, but the trust shared between each other. A great neck kiss would be one to feel the teeth penetrate just enough without leaving a mark. As her arousal intensifies, you can sense his pride blowing through his nostrils. The sensual journey explores his curiosity and prolongs the passion, eventually breaking from the resistance to kiss her. Beautifully written. Honestly, keep writing! There's a lot of potential here.

TataSweets44
June 19th, 2016, 07:53 AM
No critiques. You probably have enough here to last you anyway. Lol.

As a long time fan of romance novels I loved this! Pure and simple. I haven't read any to the bone romance novels in quite some time (don't ask me why) and moved on to books (fantasy) that merely had romance in them. But after reading this tid bit I just might have to pick one up again as this made me long for one. I can't wait until yours comes out because I will be picking that up as well. 👍👍

Stone Angel
August 2nd, 2016, 02:53 PM
I'm a romance writer, reluctantly so, and what i've read is really very good. As others have mentioned in various comments, the heat is there. The fact that you've written from both your characters P'sOV is barely noticeable and in no way comes across confusing. But if you did want to stick to one - his mind is the one i'd want to hear, where as her feelings could easily be observed in her body language, facial expressions and the actions in the scene.

I'm so new and only hope this helps.

Jay Greenstein
September 18th, 2016, 05:45 AM
This is an emotional moment, but it reads like a report, because you're focusing on explaining the story, event by event. Informative, yes. But story doesn't lie in making the reader know the progression of events, as related by the dispassionate voice of a narrator we can't hear or see. A reader doesn't want to know what happened to her, they want to be her and live the story, not learn it. In short, they want to be entertained, not informed.

It's not that you're doing something wrong, or a matter of talent and potential, it's that you're using an approach more suited to nonfiction, author-centric and fact-based: "This happened...then that happened...he did this...then she did that...and after that..."

When you read it, knowing the people, the situation, and the emotions involved it reads with emotion and excitement. Mentally, you fill in the scene, and become her. But for the reader, who can only guess at how you would read it, and who has no idea of what the setting is like, look at the questions the text raises:
Her last manuever brought her in front of him, totally vulnerable, and without his quickness of reflexes to stop what she knew was coming.What's the subject of this sentence? Is it where she is? That she's vulnerable? What she knows is coming? That she has slower reflexes? In general, a sentence needs a defined subject. But more than that, this is a report, given by an invisible narrator. She may be the focus character, but unless we know how she feels, and what she knows we can't know her emotional state. And if we don't, we can't form an empathetic bond with her, and thus care what happens. And making her feel takes a writing skill-set that's emotion based and character-centric.

History, which is what you're presenting, is immutable. It's a series of facts with no uncertainty. But if you place the reader into her "now," and keep them there as time flows, we know what matters to her, what she's trying to achieve, and what she thinks her chances are o accomplishing that. We believe what she believes, even if she's mistaken, and so will want to know what's going to happen.

The best complement a reader can pay is, "I don't know where this is going, but it's interesting, so screw going to bed. I'll read just one more chapter." And to make them say that you have to involve, not inform the reader. And none of the writing techniques we learn in our school days have that ability, because while they're great for essays and reports, they suck at entertaining.

So it's not about good or bad writing, it's that you need a few of the tricks the pros take for granted, like knowing how to make the scene-goal work for you, the three questions a reader wants answered quickly, and so on. For all we know you have talent oozing from every pore. But talent is only potential. Training that talent is what gives it the tools to take wing. And don't you owe it to the story to present it in the best setting?

So if you can, put a bit of time aside to train your talent. You might check the local library system's fiction writing section. There are books by editors, agents, publishers, teachers, and successful writers. Given your current level, I'd suggest you pick up a copy of Debra Dixon's, GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict. It's a great first book, and will give you a grounding in the structure and writing issues that will place the reader into the story as the protagonist. You can download it from any bookseller, or get a hard copy from Deb's site.

Sorry my news isn't better. I wish there was a more gentle means of breaking such news. But I thought you would want to know.

But whatever you do, hang in there, and keep on Writing.

stevew84
September 22nd, 2016, 03:13 PM
I liked this one.

I don't typically write in the romance genre, but if I do, there are some darker undertones similar to what you've laid out. This story could have easily gone in a different direction of he decided to embrace the fascination of a woman's throat and continue to do what he was doing. Then she could either go along with it or refuse, either way resulting in a pretty hot scene.

LadyF
May 20th, 2017, 02:12 PM
It's an incredible scene, incredible to the point of giving me goosebumps, and the last sentence felt so large. Wow:)

scerys
June 12th, 2017, 07:47 PM
This is wonderful! As a romance writer myself I always love to read other people's approach to first kiss scenes. This was really well done, and had me submerged in their relationship despite the fact that I've never read about the characters before! I was able to pull a vision of the characters appearance and mannerisms from the way you described them and the way you described their thought process. I think that some of the description is a little rough, as if you were kind of hesitant in writing the pace that they're moving, if that makes sense. But I think that's something that gets better the more you write these kinds of things. I can tell you really sunk yourself into this.
Overall it was wonderful! :)

John 3
June 13th, 2017, 05:08 PM
To be honest this Ďfirst kissí comes across as more of an assault. If your intention was to explore the tenderness of a first kiss between two young people, then I think you need another approach. It depends on how you want the kiss to be seen by your readers. Reading the text I gather the male is older and far more experienced than the female. He would be well aware of her innocence and her unease and so his approach would be very gentle and probably very brief, the last thing he wants is to frighten her.

To be honest I canít see how she would react to a physical assault by giving him a sheepish half smile afterwards, that would take a great leap of imagination.
Then he undergoes a complete change in his original intentions (I think itís easy to guess what they were) and is totally immured by the visible, smooth, white skin, always assuming he hadnít noticed it before.

But dismiss all I have said above if you are writing a sexual fantasy because thatís a fantasy i.e. not in anyway intended to be real life.

A few men, for some weird reason, will be eager to tell their mates that they married a virgin; which is amusing especially when you have unquestionable evidence that it was not so.

Regards
John.

LOLeah
June 20th, 2017, 01:08 AM
I'm really surprised but pleased this is still getting feedback. Even though a lot of it is constructive criticism, it's encouraging that is has generated so many comments. Perhaps it's only because I promised everyone it was short lol.

Thank you to all who contributed and please know I read and considered each of your tips. I feel my writing has grown a lot since I wrote this, in part to opening myself up and then actually taking the advice so I'm certainly glad I did it.

I will be posting another scene from this novel soon and I hope you all will read it and provide more great feedback. :)