View Full Version : Unwelcome Urges (Explicit content warning, violence, sex, language)

March 28th, 2015, 04:31 AM
Well, this is another excerpt from a post apocalyptic novel I am working on. It is suppose to be another transformation scene like my previous post http://www.writingforums.com/threads/155481-A-Demon-s-Drug. But when I started to write this I couldn't find a good place to have the character change. So it ended up just being a really dark scene. I hope you enjoy it. let me know if you can think of a good place to put the transformation in .

At 43, David was well past his prime. Poor genes and two failed marriages had left him with a receding hairline and a bleeding ulcer. According to his dating profile on eHarmony, David was funny and adventurous, but it had been ages since a smile had graced his dour face, and his ever expanding waistline made anything longer than a trip to the office restroom, more adventure than he wanted.

To say that David was sexually frustrated would be an understatement. So being forced to sit across from the office tramp was a daily pain. Like a thorn in his mind, he could feel her presence. Even when he was facing away from her cubicle, busily typing away at his keyboard he could smell her perfume, hear her schoolgirl giggles. It tormented him.

It’s not like he hadn’t tried to be civil in the early days. When she first got hired, he had wanted to go over to her. He wanted to introduce himself maybe say something witty about how Jane always had some creepy troll dolls on her desk. But with a body like Sheila's, she was swarmed by the other office guys before he ever got the nerve.

Instead he sat, watching her from across the three foot walkway in between their work spaces. Sure he talked to her, at some point their paths had crossed and they had made their small introductions, but nothing would ever come of it. No, she would never give him a second thought, not with guys like George around.

So instead of talking to her he had dreamed of her. Weeks had gone by and his fantasies only got more and more risque. He used to like it. Those short spurts of pleasure, escapes from his dismal reality. But as the days drug by he craved more than imagination.

He hated himself for the thoughts. Those stray tendrils of darkness seeping out of his head. She is so frail, so lithe, so ….helpless Images of the two of them alone working late. How hard would it be to take what he wanted? No, what he needed.

He would always banish the thoughts as soon as they came up though. David couldn’t go that far… could he? The thoughts made him hate himself, loathe the pathetic creature he had become. But it didn’t take long before his hatred turned outwards. He could only blame himself for so long.

She invited it didn’t she? That perfume, the slit in her skirt that would slide farther and farther up her leg as she would bend over to pick up a pen she dropped. Those flirty smiles, she gave them to everyone. Even him. All they had done was get his hopes up though. Tempt him with the futile belief that he had a chance in hell with a girl like that.

He knew better. Girls like that had laughed him off all through high school, even those two ugly dogs he had somehow managed to get to marry him saw him for the worthless sack of shit he was after they got to know him. No, those smiles were her way of teasing him. Smiles that only concealed the stinginging laughter of a siren toying with a poor sailor’s heart.

“Hit those keys any harder and you’ll owe the company a new keyboard.” It was Jonathan, one of Davids few real friends.

David almost jumped at the interruption of his inner brooding. “Oh, hey Jon.”

“So what’s eating you today?” David involuntarily glanced over at Sheila, and before he could say anything Jon laughed. “Man, just go over there and talk to her. All this agonizing is going to give you an ulcer or something.”

David worked his jaw a few times, opening and closing his mouth as if trying to speak, then finally decided not to say anything. Jon sighed, “well, I got more good news for you, this is straight from the corner office.”

David rolled his eyes. He knew what that meant, another late night. Why is it always me? Begrudgingly, he took the papers his friend was now handing over to him, and tossed it onto the stack he already had left to finish.

It was well past midnight when David finally powered down his old Mac. Taking a long deep exasperated breath he pushed away from his desk. The rest of the office was dark. Everyone else had long since gone home.

As he stood to leave his eyes grazed by Sheila’s desk. There was a picture of her from an old vacation sitting there. It must have been California or something because she was wearing a bikini. As though that was an appropriate picture to have on your desk at work.

The middle aged man could still smell her scent, lingering on the seat. Hit by the aroma his mind wandered to dark places. He slid into her chair and picked up the picture. His jaw was clenched as he contemplated this rare opportunity. Alone with his fantasies his inhibitions started to cave, and he slowly gave into his baser desires.

“What the hell are you doing?” the screeching voice sent thousands of needle like pricks over his whole body. David shot out of the chair and jerked up his trousers. Spinning around, to his horror Sheila stood there in the dimly lit hallway.

She was wearing a tight black dress, and was holding a pair of black high heels in one hand, clearly out on the town with her girlfriends. “What are you doing here?” David squeaked.

“I left my purse in my desk…” The sheer look of disgust on her face, made David want to throw up. Turning away she stomped towards the door.

David’s mind was reeling. A mix of self loathing and horror at what might come next permeated his thoughts. “Sheila! Wait!” he trotted after her.

As he approached she picked up her pace. “Stay away from me you perv, I can’t even look at you. God that was the most disgusting thing I have ever seen! I am calling Mary about this, kiss your job goodbye, creep”

He finally caught up with her at the elevator, and slammed his fist into the doorway blocking her way. There was a startlement on her face as she looked at him in a new light. Realizing for the first time the danger she could be in.

David couldn’t stop the shaking. He couldn’t let her tell anyone, not about this. It would ruin his life. This job was the one thing he had, as awful as it was if he lost it he would have nothing left to live for. If he lost his job like this, no one would ever hire him again. He would lose his apartment, his car, everything. He had to shut her up.

“You can’t tell anyone about this, it was nothing.” His voice trembled as he spoke, Standing in front of her he took one step after another in her direction. With each move he made towards her she took another one back. She nodded as if to agree with him, her eyes shifting around looking for a way around her unstable coworker. David grabbed her wrists and shook her. “You have to swear!” Again the frightened woman noded fervently, but David just shook his head. “I… I .. just can’t trust you.”

He was sobbing now. His life was over. This was just making it worse. There was no way she wasn’t going straight to the police after this. He was trash. The very definition of pathetic. With every fiber of his being he cursed himself for giving in to that stupid urge.

But the urge hadn’t left.

She was wearing a different perfume. It was sweeter than her normal stuff, probably trying to impress guys at whatever dive bar she had planned on going to. Her dress had a deep V cut taunting him. Even her scared little pout was driving him mad.

Well, Why not...He thought to himself. If my life is over at this point, I might as well make it worth my while. At first he resisted the thought. He hated himself even more, but it wouldn’t go away.

Still holding her wrists he backed her against a wall, forcing her hands above her head. Her eye were wide with fear now. He hovered over her hair, and inhaled deeply, taking in her smell. He couldn’t turn back now.

She started to scream and he clasped a firm hand over her mouth. Dear God, what am I doing…. David’s heart raced, a mix of excitement and dread. Touching her like this made him feel powerful, in a way he had never experienced. Her skin seemed to melt in his hands, so soft, delicate. Even as she struggled against him, he was as gentle as he could be, fearing she might shatter if he squeezed too hard.

But somewhere inside him he still knew how unimaginably awful this was. A sudden pang of guilt loosed his hands enough for her to push away from him. They stared each other for a moment. There was an ironic similarity in their shared expression. Both of their faces were painted with fear, her for her life, him for his soul.

“Please, Dave.” The shaken girl whimpered. “Just let me go. We can forget all about this. Monday morning everything will be back to the way it was…”

The way it was? David could still feel her in his hands. Still taste her scent in his mouth. If the pain of her proximity had been bad before having come so close to sampling her, he couldn’t bear going back to the way it was…

The fear finally broke, as something snapped inside him. I am going to kill myself. There was no point in living. There hadn’t been much point to living before this, but now what little purpose he had was gone. It was a bit relieving honestly, to finally make that decision. Knowing that all this pain would finally end.

But not before he got a taste.

David’s eyes sharpened. No more fear, no worry, no hesitation. As he looked at Sheila with wolf like eyes, she screamed… and he relished it.

She started to run, diving back into the shadowy labyrinth of cubicles that made up the darkened office space. He hunted her like an animal, sauntering into the blackness he was amazed at how easy it was to see. It took no effort to find her huddled there in the corner, shaking.

Something was changing inside him. The voices of reason, empathy, humanity seemed to be shriveling away unable to stem the madness of this outrageous situation. There was a dreamlike quality to the air as David seemed to watch himself from outside his body.

Sheila fought back at first, clawing at him, but he couldn’t feel it. At one point he knew there were little trails of blood sliding down his cheeks from where her nails had dug in, but he couldn’t register the pain. At first it was screaming and shouting and then sobbing and crying.

When it was done he felt empty. His emboldened commitment waning with the adrenaline as he sat on the seldom cleaned carpets, next to his broken “conquest”. She was shivering and curled up in a ball. He turned away from her, and threw up.

David stumbled over to the bathroom to clean himself. Staring into the mirror he couldn’t recognize his own face. What have I done.

March 28th, 2015, 04:46 AM
I read halfway through... I'll edit this shortly.

For starters however there are a few small grammatical errors which a little proof-reading will solve in a second, and some sentences might need to be re-worded or amalgamated to make it flow a little more freely. I totally get your writing style because it's very similar to mine. When I edit it, I'll have thoughts on the story.

EDIT - So andyway, upon reading your story, I felt like I was sinking in a little bit. It was a good read.

The way you introduce David in the scene (I didn't read the first chapter, but probably will as soon as I get time; hopefully soon), was very effective. I understood his conflict and why felt so much animosity towards his co-workers. That said, I really feel like you could have explained where David worked and what he did. You also could explain the existence of "George," and maybe specify that "Sheila" is in fact the "office tramp" (which took me a minute to clarify myself) a little better when the narrator first says their names. that might help the reader be more interested in David's problems instead of just knowledgeable.

As the story goes on David proves to be more and more pathetic. His character seems to have no redeeming qualities and (at least he should have) if not suicidal tendencies, then a manic depressive personality that creeps everyone out.

Jon's role in the scene is pathetic in comparison to how important David and the girl of his affections are. David should be introduced more thoroughly as well IMO, and if I were you I would put a little more context into the scene. What kind of papers did Jon give David? I mean it might be interesting to know what's occupying so much of his time and potentially putting food on his plate.

Although I'm sure it would be wise to omit any gory sexual detail, I believe more information might be needed between the moment he picks up the picture and the moment Sheila catches him wanking off. Just for the sake of continuity.

Also as David is chasing Sheila, more information could be given perhaps on the overall setting of the office and perhaps the route they take. They seem to be moving around quite rapidly.

The final thing I can say (that hasn't already been addressed) is that the last six paragraphs don't do the complexity or the extraordinary significance of the events unfolding justice.

I haven't read chapter one yet. I'll try to soon.

March 28th, 2015, 07:30 AM

Don't hit me

March 28th, 2015, 07:56 AM
Thanks for reading, Rhythm. I definitely agree with the ending not being enough. It really isn't suppose to end this way. My previous post is not really a first chapter, as much as a separate story. The thing is that they are both suppose to have similar mystical element. I just never felt like it was a good spot to transition from a creepy narrative rape to a creepy supernatural horror. After I made it to this point in the story I felt any sort of transition would come out of nowhere. So I just sort of stopped writing. I decided to post it to get other peoples read on it.

To be honest my goal here is to make David believable and possibly even pitiable, someone you could potentially sympathize with. Trying to take someone into the mind of a rapist and make them see him as a real person instead of just a monster. He is pathetic sure, but the hope is that people can follow the progression a bit to see where he comes from.

My biggest concern about spending to much time on trivial details like what he is doing in for this job and what the papers are that he is working on, is that I don't feel any of those facts would add to the story. It would just be minutia that would bog down the reader or worse make them get bored.

March 28th, 2015, 08:04 AM
Perhaps certain readers would find it difficult to sit and read a 400 page book, but at the end of the day, a story has to be told correctly.

Details that can engross a reader in what they are reading don't necessarily have to be shoved in their face. It can be done effectively by giving a brief description of what someone sees, what the other guy touches. I mean landmarks are awesome, but there's no map to speak of.

Also, after re-reading what I wrote, I meant to say that you should introduce Jon's character more thoroughly. You did a fine job of introducing David, and should use his introduction's length as a reference point when considering how many sentences you need to describe his victim and especially his only friend.

The ending has the capacity to be awesome as fawk. You should really put more emphasis on EVERYTHING. I could see this turning into a page turner.

March 28th, 2015, 08:13 AM
Thanks I will take a look at what I can do with it.