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84Buckeye
March 28th, 2015, 03:32 AM
Hi guys! Working on scene and was wondering if I could get some feedback. I'm very green at this. Any constructive feedback would very appreciative!

'Please help me! I'm locked in this hotel against my will'

The note the woman picked up laying on the street kept her moving through the muck of oil and mud. That spring wasn't kind to the residents of Pithole PA. The great oil boom of western PA had made many rich, but the town's infrastructure was lacking. One would be surprised that it had become PA's third largest city in just a years time. 25,000 money- hungry souls called Pithole home.

She would show the note to her husband. He would know what to do about it.

Reaching their house on the edge of town, Emma ran inside.

"Clyde, Clyde, where are you? Your not going to believe what I found lying in the street outside the Bonta Hotel, take a look at this."

"Right here dear."

His calm demeanor was not what Emma was looking for from her husband at this moment.

"Hurry up you old fart, this is really important, here take a look at this!"

"What is it now Emma?"

Clyde put down his paper and strolled over picking the piece of paper from her hand. Emma caught herself and resisted the urge to put a nail in her mouth and chow down. She was tired of the violence in this devil town. This could not be good she thought.

"What do you think we should do?" she said

Emma could see the look in his eyes. She knew when he stared at something this long without responding that he was thinking.

"Do." Clyde slowly responded. "I'll tell you what were going to do, you say you picked this up outside the Bonta right?"

"Yes, i found it in the street."

"Were not going to do a darn thing Emma. You've seen the sign that crazy S.O.B has in front of that hotel, anybody that proclaims himself to be the 'Wickedest Man in the World' isn't someone you mess around with Emma!"

"Clyde we have to do something, we have to help!"

"Your right Emma, we'll pay the postage and send it to the address here in the letter, we will send the letter to her parents like she wants. But Emma, that's it. We can't get involved with that man. You've seen what he's capable of."

The oil had made them plenty of money but Emma was tired. All she could think of was helping this girl and finally leaving this God forsaken town. She calmed herself before the trembling started again.

RhythmOvPain
March 28th, 2015, 04:29 AM
Apostrophes are not required when quoting a note, simply using italics should suffice once you explain that the message was on a note.

Just to use the VERY first sentence as an example of how to adjust your sentence structure:


The note the woman picked up laying on the street kept her moving through the muck of oil and mud.

This should read something similar to this:

The note that the woman picked up was lying on the street. It was what propelled her through the muck of oil and mud.

Synonyms are an ungodly powerful tool when it comes to shortening a sentence. I use Google like a cheap whore, but damned if it doesn't make it easier.

Try to focus on shortening errant sentences, because when too many things get cluttered in one train of thought, you get twisted and have to re-read it over a handful of times (if it becomes an issue).

Although I doubt this really makes a difference, I believe it is obligatory that one writes out a number, rather than simply put it in the story, so instead of "25,000 money-hungry souls," it should read "twenty-five thousand money hungry souls."

At this point, your paragraphs become extremely short. At this point, fluffing the story with details, emotions, thoughts, ect. might be the only way to enhance the structure of the story.

The dialogue that you posted is very well laid out and interesting.


... "Do." Clyde slowly responded. "I'll tell you what were going to do, you say you picked this up outside the Bonta right?"

This should read:

"Do?" Clyde slowly responded. "I'll tell you what were going to do. You say you picked this up outside the Bonta right?"


Note that "Do." should be replaced with "Do?" Regardless of how you were taught sentence structure, and this is often taught wrong in school (I got kicked out of many of them), the prevalent overtone in the speech dictates the annotation (I believe this is the best word to use) set by the punctuation. This rule always applies to anything inside the quotation marks, which ALWAYS go outside the punctuation under any circumstances whatsoever.

"Want an example?" I am saying to you now, "Even if I were to use parentheses (like this), it would always end up ending with the the punctuation marker ending how my voice would register (if I were talking to you right now, that is). Do you catch my drift?"

Also note, just for the hell of it, that no matter what is said inside of parentheses, there shouldn't be any punctuation at the end of what is said. I don't know why. Also, while I HAVE seen people use parentheses inside of quotation marks, it is truly a horrible and ugly thing to look at. Semicolons and dashes work best. I won't get into those, because at that point I'd probably seem like an asshole.

Focusing on the final part of what you posted:



"Were not going to do a darn thing Emma. You've seen the sign that crazy S.O.B has in front of that hotel, anybody that proclaims himself to be the 'Wickedest Man in the World' isn't someone you mess around with Emma!"

"Clyde we have to do something, we have to help!"

"Your right Emma, we'll pay the postage and send it to the address here in the letter, we will send the letter to her parents like she wants. But Emma, that's it. We can't get involved with that man. You've seen what he's capable of."

The oil had made them plenty of money but Emma was tired. All she could think of was helping this girl and finally leaving this God forsaken town. She calmed herself before the trembling started again.

Note that, while it is not really all that important, S.O.B should read S.O.B. (with a period on the end).

"Your right, Emma," should read "You're right, Emma." The sentence itself is too long and must be broken down. Use this to your advantage; it allows you to increase the word count!

"... But Emma, that's it. We can't get involved with that man. You've seen what he's capable of."

^ Starting a sentence with "but" is extremely taboo and should be avoided at all costs (unless you were MAD or BRILLIANT enough to figure out how to turn it into a trademark). Also, I get the impression an exclamation point is required at the end of that.

Honestly, I feel like this needs a lot of re-tooling. Mostly, it needs additions and small grammar fixes.

As far as the story itself is concerned, as I am starting to see is very common, very little information is given in the text itself. The best advice I can give you is to pick up a book and read. Focus on the paragraph structure that you see and what the author does to make these big blocks fathomable (and fun to read).

This is the best advice I can give anyone. Sorry if I wasn't as helpful as I intended to be.

crimewriter95
November 16th, 2015, 08:50 PM
A few errors such as you're being incorrectly spelled as your as well as we're being incorrectly spelled as were. Other than that I think this could make for an interesting story.