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KellInkston
March 24th, 2015, 09:12 PM
Any feedback greatly appreciated- let me know what you think. I've been working on this awhile, a fantasy (potentially for a YA niche) that pushes the narrator's rule farther than most. Feel free to comment on characters, flow, feeling, grammar, what-have-you~ Enjoy!
*EDITED: Some spaces have magically disappeared- accursed word processor, attacking me again!*
---
The Fairy Book
By Kell Inkston


CHAPTER ONE: A WORLD CLOSE TOGETHER
A soldier bursts into the warm tent. "Sir, the Eastern Force is making an advance!" One of the leaders of the Northern front assault, Lord Knight General Order, rises up from her chair.
"You mean to say they're coming here?" she says, massaging her temples as she takes one last glance at her glass of blackwater forty.
"Yes, sir! Please do something!"
She rubs the wear from her eyes. "What abouttheothermages?"
"They're either out of mana or reassigned to the counter-espionage operation. Besides, we'd need fifty of them to do what you could alone!"
"It has to be me, then?"
"Yes, sir. Don't you remember when you gave your orders?" Order looks to the side, immersed in thought for a moment.
"Can't say I remember," she says. The officer pauses in front of his official and looks over her reddened face and short figure, carelessly slouched at her feet.
"...You're drunk, General?"
"I wouldn't say 'drunk' so much as 'under the effects of a… tactical error," she says with a snide grin.
"Sir, this is serious, they'll be here in minutes. They've already crossed the valley and they're on their way up!"
Order's quiet a moment, and then sighs.
"Alright. I'll take care of this," she says before passing the guard and exiting the tent. Immediately she is bittenby the star-white winds of the North, chilling her, but ineffective in causing her to shiver. The white haired, young-looking lady with millennia of age under her belt strides across the camp, sparing quick glances to the masses of terrified soldiers and magicians rushing about and forming ranks. She moves past all of them to the rim of the camp and looks down the steep, snow-clad hill towards the enemy camp.
Down about a hundred meters and climbing up quickly are about four hundred Easterners, cozy in their long wool uniforms and confident with those strange, metallic "fire-arms" slung over their shoulders. The front rankof men spot Order, clothed in but a simple set of winter wear, and call for the others to prepare the rifles in that strange Eastern language that Order knows well. The Lord Knight General stares at the battalion of men struggling up the mountain for only a moment more, and then a moves to thwart them..
With the fluttering grace of a butterfly, she raises her hand, speaks a few words, and then moves her finger across her vision of the men.
Suddenly, a squad of snowballs forms on the edge of the hill and begins rolling down towards the enemy force. The orbs of white fluff gain size and weight as they tumble towards their targets, becoming formidable boulders of ice in seconds. Order watches with an amused look as the small dots of brown down the hill scatter and retreat as the massive snow-boulders smash through their ranks. She then begins moving her hands as if shaping clay, all while speaking in a second arcane language. Just as the exhausted group of rifle menrestart their assault, the boulders of snow form arms and legs and begin ramming into and toppling the soldiers as if they were blades of grass. The soldiers open fire on the titans of snow, each bullet hitting their mark, but not a single one slowing their targets.
Order smacks her lips tiredly as she watches the men below, blasted away from the strength of the golems that she had created. Shereallywishesshe’dbrought her glass of blackwater with her.
Only a minute passes of the Easterners battling the golems, and then the tide turns for good. The soldiers, some with broken limbs and concussions, run, limp, or are carried away back to their camp. Order nods, playing a victorious tune in her head as she severs the magical link between herself and the golems, returning them back to their inanimate states. Behind her, several soldiers and camp-folk cheeratthemight of the second-in-command of the Royal Knights, an arch mage hero worthy of her bestowed knightly title: Order.
She rises to her feet and starts back to camp to finish her beloved libation and almost gets there when her path is interceptedbyafrazzled-looking messenger.
"M-ma-eh, sir! Lord Knight Captain Redemption's over the com-stone!" the boy says, presenting Order with the large red crystal. Order nods, says "thanks," and then raises the gem to her lips.
"Daniel?" she says into the rock, causing it to glow in response to her voice.
"Ranalie, good to hear you," comes a voice from the magic stone.

Just for your information, dear Reader, "Daniel" and "Ranalie" are the actual names of Redemption and Order respectively; they were given titles like that by the people of the Western Kingdoms in recognition for their virtuous deeds... Oh, and pardon the interruption, I'm the narrator; it's nice to meet you! You can call me “The Writer” for the time being, though. I simply thought it would be nice for me to introduce myself before we go any further. Please, don't let me stop you, read on!

"What do you need?" Order asks.
"I have an urgent assignment that needs taking care of."
"I thought I was supposed to keep the Easternersfromadva-"
"Yes, and now you will be letting Generosity handle that."
"Alright, guess this has gotta be pretty damn important for you to be calling me up," Order says, her slurred speech ringing through the stone. Redemption is quiet a moment before responding.
"...Something seems off with you. Have you been drinking again?" Redemption asks.
Order pauses as she thinks of her response.
"Maybe."
"Please, please dear, think of your image."
"What image?" she says with a laugh.
"You and I are considered legendary heroes, you know, and people get weirded out whenthey see a seven-thousand-so year oldarch mage drinking for kicks."
"And what's the problem with drinking for kicks?"
"You... nevermind. Get back to HQ for your new assignment. It's something only you can do."
"If you say so, Daniel."
"I do. Now come quickly, please!"
"...You got it," she says before the glow of the stone dies out, signifying the person on the other line has severed his mana-link to his shard of the gem. Order returns the stone to the messenger and returns to the commander’s tent to find her dog, Parvo, has finished her glass of blackwater. She gathers her armor, a shining white mithril plate-suit enchanted to resist anything from a mere bullet to a tower falling on her. A few minutes later, she’s suited up and ready for whatever catastrophe Redemption can throw at her. Finally, she grasps the dimensional sheath of her legendary sword, called “Monument” by most who know it. Prepared, her mind begins simmering on the possible mission Redemption could have for her as she pats Parvo goodbye, exits her tent, and makes her way to the summoning tent across camp.
Could it be Chaos? Maybe he's attacking a capital city... or maybe The Trench has burst open to declare war on us. Have the old dragons returned, or the titans? she wonders, eager to know what cataclysm she'll face. Whatever it is, it must be a major threat to the Western Kingdoms.
She gets to the summoning tent, tells the magicians her destination, and waits a few minutes for them to compose the summoning circle leading to the Royal Knights Headquarters- a complex ordeal involving chanting, arcane scripting, and lots and lots of candles. A portal tears right through the fabric of reality, and Order steps in to traverse thousands of miles in a matter of seconds.



CHAPTER TWO: FROM THE FRONT TO THE BACK
The Lord Knight General Order steps from New Reinen's space gate, a large rune-engraved portal that serves as either a beginning or an end for magic travels like this. She steps down from the gate into New Reinen's center square, glances over three young recruits, two of which who promptly salute and one that just stumbles in shock and confusion, and then she passes the training grounds into the executive office of the Royal Knights of The Old Kingdom of Reinen.

Sorry if this gets long-winded, Reader; there's quite a lot to cover when presenting an entire dimension to someone. Anyway, New Reinen is sort of a headquarters and town for the Royal Knights. It’s convenient to have most of them living in the same place in case a giant skeleton appears and starts running toward one of the capital cities- stuff like that.

Order stands in the entryway a moment, takes a breath, and waves a hand along her cheek as she speaks words from one of the many magic languages she knows. Suddenly, her flushed face returns to its former, pale state and her dilated pupils sharpen in focus. She finds magic that quickly neutralizes alcoholic influences to be among her favorites.
The now sober Order passes through the golden halls, each window ridged with flower planters, and moves across the regal burgundy carpets up to Redemption's office. Sitting in one of the chairs to the side is a hulking, broad Knight, a Dragon-Kin: the crossbreed of human and dragon that once threatened the entirety of human civilization. To his side is a mace and shield, both the size of a person and hewn from the solid rock of the southern canyons.


"Knight Law," Order greets him, bowing her head as she passes. The hulking mass of scales, teeth and muscles nods back.
"Sir... By the way, Lord Knight Captain Redemption told me to wait for you and some third knight," he says, eying to the chair next to him. Order stops at the door to Redemption's office.
"So, you and I and someone else will be going on an assignment?"
"S'what I've been told," he mutters through his bulwark of white teeth.
"Very well," Order says, taking a seat next to Law in the rose-scented hall, laying her eyes on the rays of sun gleaming from the stained-glass windows. Order’s quiet a moment and looks at the sunlight as Law inspects his boots, both of the knights silent.


"S'what have you been up to during the war?" Law asks.
"I've been with the Blue Company up north," Order responds.
"Leading, sir?"
"Yes."
"Ahh- I hear it's been fairly easy for you."
"It has. No matter how advanced the East's technology becomes, magic is realms above it."
"Agreed."
"And yourself?"
"I've been in the Yellow Company," Law says, his words skewed with a sigh. Order raises a brow.
"The front lines? How is it?"
"I have no idea why the ministry of war didn't put you there. This war would be over. Your magic can resist any of their monstrosities of science--you could just walk into camp and kill them all."
"I think you overestimate my ability," Order says, as she stares ahead of her smirking on the side of her facing away from Law.
"I'm certain you're just being humble, sir."
"Perhaps... but a Dragon-Kin like you wouldn't have a problem with being on the front lines, would you?"
"Not really, my armor s'thick it deflects bullets; only thing I need to look for are the cannon shots."
"Cannon?" Order asks, turning her head to the word. Law shakes his head, his long mail clinking with each change of direction.
"Really big firearms- saw one shoot a Ragnivanian boy's head right off."
"Like magic bolts?"
"Yes."
Order draws back into her seat and raises a brow in intrigue. "Interesting... but to be honest I don't think I would be of as much help there with you."
"Why's that?"
"I don't kill people if I can prevent it."
"What do you mean?"
"I've been around way too long. I lost my taste for killing people quite a while ago- especially innocents who are forced to fight by their rulers," Order says calmly. Law snorts out a breath of hot air, staring at the wall alongside her.
"You mur--… defeated many dragons in the Extermination Wars. They feel as much pain as a human would; what makes them so different?" Law asks, turning his gaze directly on her. Order pauses in thought. If she answered honestly and said "it's because they're not human," it would imply that a Dragon-Kin like Law would only be half human and thus only half important.
"I didn't hate the dragons, Rayull," Order says, calling Law by his true name, "but they threatened humanity, the fairies, the orcs, and everyone else," she adds. Law scrapes his boot against the marble floor as he lets out a quick, gentle scoff.
"Call me Law. And then after you removed the dragons, you removed the orcs. Only the fairies still have their own land outside of humanity's grasp."
"That's not my responsibility, and it's not my fault. They waged war, and you need to remember I'm a soldier."
"S'why do you suddenly turn away from killing humans?"
"I follow my orders. If I'm placed on the front line, I'll do it and I'll take care of it- that's it. I won’t enjoy it, but I’ll do it if I have to," Order says, straightening her gaze forward. Law stares at Order for a few seconds and then turns back to inspect his weapon.
"I suppose that's sensible, sir. I just think you could. If you cared s'much about human lives, why don't you just march into the Eastern Capital and threaten to kill him if he doesn't stop the war?"
"You know my real job, Law."
"The ‘Chaos Slayer?’"
"It's the popular title, but I hate it personally."
"Why's that?"
"It implies that I ever killed him."
"You're right, sir; I'm sorry. It must be hard, not being able to leave the Western Kingdoms in the case that he should attack," Law says, stealthily eying the lady next to him for any facial movement.
"It's been a long life to live in one place. I've seen much of the world, but sometimes I wonder how much more I would have seen if I weren't waiting for Chaos."
"I suppose it's a job someone needs t'do. Thank you for your service," Law says, now looking at her from the side more blatantly. Order sees a spark of real respect in his eyes.
"And yours," She says with a nod.
"But unlike you, I'm allowed to go on leave. You sacrifice much more than any of us."
"You're wrong there, I'm still here after almost seven thousand years, in this waiting room we call life. There are people who have given much more than I, and have moved on."
Law squints at Order. “Do you seek death?"
"No, I’m happy, but I think anyone would get a little bitter about millennia passing once you start forgetting people. You meet someone, shake their hand, fall in love with them, and then the next thing you recall is the sight of their headstone. It was so strange, being young; it's like a dream now."
"You are considered a savant when it comes to longevity magic, and even with all the close calls you've had, you’ve survived. I'm sorry if I came off as disrespectful, I didn’t meant to make you sound less than you are." Law says. Order shakes her head.
Not a word is spoken for half a minute, as both struggle to find something to talk about that the other would appreciate.
"You're in your eighties now, right?" Order asks turning again to Law.
"Yes. The challenges of being a Dragon-Kin in a society of humans is... unique."
"I'd imagine. How's Meeo been?"
"We haven't talked," Law says. Order hums.


"For how long?"
"A few months. I have no idea what she's doing; probably something petty and childish as usual."
"I understand you find her a bit flippant, but that's no reason to say such things about the person who raised you."
"Don't remind me. Her love was smothering. I'm not a human, I can take care of myself."
"I don't doubt you can, but I'd say she did a fairly good job raising you those fifty years."
"Thank you, sir."
"My pleasure, Law."
"Yes, I suppose it's just irritating being around her. S'still treats me like I'm a hatchling, and a Dragon-Kin finishes adolescence at around sixty. I just hate it that s'still gets on my case about things like finding a girlfriend or studying for my knight exams. We've sort of drifted apart."
Order nods in thought just before she feels a very unique presence approaching them. Being magically attuned, Order can easily pick out specific people in a kilometer radius just based on their personal magic signatures. She smirks.
"So, what would you say to her if she were here now?" Order asks, looking down the hall intently.
"I'd tell her to grow up. Adults, let alone adults thousands of years old, should act as if they grew out of being a child. I'd tell her that coloring books are for children, that people grow out of lullabies and bedtime stories, and that people who refuse to become adults refuse to improve themse--"
"Oh, Hosy, Ran! Hello!" coos a friendly, almost motherly voice from behind Law. Law cringes, and slowly turns his head.
The two spot the colorful, dyed hair and dreamy, cloud-set eyes of an old acquaintance. As usual she has a whimsical, aloof smile across her face and carries the overpowering smell of incense. Order smiles and Law promptly scowls.
“You’re kiddi--”Order cuts off Law by shoving him lightly. Law sighs.
“Meeo, hello!” Order greets Love with a bow.
“Good afternoon, Knight Love,” Law grumbles. Meeo Letlind, titled “Love” by The Royal Knights of The Old Kingdom of Reinen Titles Committee, steps up to them, looks about a moment as if there is a ghost flying around in the room, and then focuses in on her two fellow Knights.
“Hiyo! Are you both good this peculiar day?” Love asks. Law pushes out a breath of hot air as if he were about to cook Love alive.
“Have some respect, Knight Love. Call us by our titles unless you intend to discredit yourself,” Law warns with a scowl, showing off his sharp teeth. Love looks at Law with her usual, unchanging smile.
“Oh?” she coos, “Okay then, Mister Lord Sergeant Knight Commander of the Royal Knights of the Old Kingdom of Reinen, I.D. number 3,982, Fourth-in-Command in the Yellow Company of the Eastern wars held upon the Gaingr--”
“Funny, just my title,” Law interrupts.
“You mean Mister Lord Ser-”
“Love, come on,” Order cuts in with a smirk, hearing another distressed huff from Law. Love hums, moves her head about in thought, and nods.
“Very well,” Love says as she takes a seat next to Law, who groans. Love then turns to Law and smiles.
“So, you didn’t answer my question,” she reminds while delivering a kindly poke.
“Yeah? What’s that?”
“How are you, Law?” she says.
“I’m fine.”
Love grins and hugs Law. The dragon-kin shudders on contact.
“Ohhh! I’m so happy to hear that! You know I’ve been worried about you, all of the other Knights seem so happy to talk but you never seem to have the time!” Love says as she rubs her soft cheek on Law’s shoulder pauldron. Order grins crassly.
“Let me be, Knight Love. I don’t have time for your childish shenanigans.”
“Oh, what? You were always so playful when you were just a little hatchli-”
“I see you haven’t changed in the past year at all, Knight Love,” Law says, doing his best to defend his image in front of Order before Meeo tarnishes it with an embarrassing story about his childhood. Law pushes Love from him and crosses his arms as he turns away.
“Mmm? Fine. Whatever you say, Hosy-Po-“
“Order, please make her stop! She’s disrespecting the honor of her fellow Knight, yet again,” Law pleads, interrupting Love the moment before she could utter his childhood nickname.
“Hmm, Love,” Order begins. Love laughs and nods to Order, well aware of what she is going to say.
“Alright, Order. I’m done,” she says with a long, knowing smile as she sits properly with her feet to the ground.
“Thank you, Meeo,” Order says. Love giggles lightly.
“Of course- of course. So how have you been, Order?”
“I’ve been very well, thank you. You?” Order says.
“Oh, oh I guess I’m okay, just been reading, various things about various things,” Love says, shuffling about one of her many pockets and in-armor compartments to locate a piece of paper, crumpled up and stained with a liquid smelling of chamomile.
“Reading what, might I ask?” Love restores the note to readability by unfolding it, and holds it up to Order with both hands.
“This, along with a novel series I’ve been checking out recently using temporal-anomaly object collection. I was only able to find the second book in the series so far, but I’m sure I’ll find the others soon enough. Really do want to find out what happens to those poor ring bearers,” Love says.
“Just like you to use realmancy to find books that haven’t been written yet,” Order says as she looks over the piece of paper.

Just so you know, dear Reader, realmancy is an incredibly specialized type of magic that only a small handful of people in the Omniverse can use with any degree of success; it deals with the collecting and interaction of objects that do not (or should not) exist. That said realmancy is quite the complex ordeal, and is considered a craft of the insane. I’m telling you this, Reader, because this will be quite important to the story.

Order nods, says “interesting” to be polite, and reads over the note. It’s also a summons by the leader of the Knights, Lord Captain Redemption.
“A summons, same as mine,” Order says, returning the letter. Love raises a brow in interest.
“Oh? I wonder why. Might he have something for the three of us?” Love guesses, tilting her head just a bit to the side.
“That’s what Law heard. We were both called from the war too. What were you doing?” Order asks, leaning forward to look across Law to Love. Love hums and lightly pokes her cheek.
“I was spending time with the nice people in the black company, actually,” Love says, receiving looks of surprise from Order and Law, sitting at her left.
“No way,” Law says, looking aside.
“Really now? Didn’t think you would be... you know...” Order pauses, trying to come up with the correct words for someone who’s been placed in the most brutal, murderous company, tasked with high-class assassination and espionage missions.
“I’ve been getting that a lot, actually. I don’t find much of a problem with it,” Love says as she scratches the side of her cheek.
“Yeah, sure. What did they have you do, read the operators bedtime stories?” Law asks with a wry smirk.
“Hmm, I did a thing or two. Nothing very special,” Love says with a smile, “I presume you were read to in your company? Was anyone there to tuck you i-” Love halts her question the moment the doors open to the office. Knight Sensitivity steps out, his raven black hair, smooth Spirakandrin skin, and armor looking as well-groomed as usual.
“Hello, Order, Law, Love,” he says with a smile and a nod as he passes them.
The other three greet him back. Sensitivity disappears into his office with his new assignment. The three pause expectantly. They can hear the sound of papers, rustling.
“Alright; thank you all for waiting. Get in here,” a kind, but controlling voice instructs from inside the office.
The three Knights rise from their seats and enter the office of their leader, Lord Captain Redemption, the man most responsible for the safety of the millions who live in the Western Kingdoms.

NathanBrazil
March 27th, 2015, 03:33 AM
I am in the middle of this piece and am not quite ready for the crit. I did find the formatting very distracting. I've actually copied the piece and added lines for paragraphs and the spaces where needed.

The writing is solid and engaging. I just need more time before I can write the complete crit.

Deafmute
March 27th, 2015, 03:57 AM
I like the story, so far. It seems like a fun high fantasy premise, the main character seems likable. My biggest complaint is the Narrative tense. I can't stand present tense narration. It just feels wrong to me. Unless you have some reason to be using it. Having a 3rd person narrator, I can't really think of why present tense would be useful.

KellInkston
March 27th, 2015, 07:23 PM
I like the story, so far. It seems like a fun high fantasy premise, the main character seems likable. My biggest complaint is the Narrative tense. I can't stand present tense narration. It just feels wrong to me. Unless you have some reason to be using it. Having a 3rd person narrator, I can't really think of why present tense would be useful.

You got me there, I use third person simply because I adore the "in action" feeling it conveys, as if the Reader were watching a movie or directly in the fight. I feel it makes the writing feel more recent as well, encouraging the Reader to think of it as more-recent and pressing.

I apologize for this, as this really is my most-constant point of criticism I receive, but I just can't write another way- I simply feel incapable of doing so. Thank you for reminding me, though; I try to fight it, but I have a ways to go.

Deafmute
March 28th, 2015, 01:25 AM
You got me there, I use third person simply because I adore the "in action" feeling it conveys, as if the Reader were watching a movie or directly in the fight. I feel it makes the writing feel more recent as well, encouraging the Reader to think of it as more-recent and pressing.

I apologize for this, as this really is my most-constant point of criticism I receive, but I just can't write another way- I simply feel incapable of doing so. Thank you for reminding me, though; I try to fight it, but I have a ways to go.

that is understandable once you develop a habit its hard to break. but its important to keep track of why you use a certain tense and perspective it is really easy to lose someone if they can't get into the style.

KellInkston
March 28th, 2015, 02:37 AM
I agree, it's a risky decision, but I see many of my beta readers prefer the present tense. For this I also continue to use it- sorry if it's too abrasive.

NathanBrazil
March 28th, 2015, 04:52 AM
Ok, finished. The present tense narration was a problem for me as well initially, though I can get used to just about anything. I believe the present tense narration might work for the younger audience you are targeting. First - comments and nits.


"Can't say I remember," she says. The officer pauses in front of his official and looks over her reddened face and short figure, carelessly slouched at her feet.
This isn't necessarily wrong but I had the wrong image in my head. I had to look back to the beginning of the chapter where she rises up from her chair.


"Sir, this is serious, they'll be here in minutes. They've already crossed the valley and they're on their way up!"
I think a period and a new sentence would be correct here.


Immediately she is bitten by the star-white winds of the North, chilling her, but ineffective in causing her to shiver.
The wording doesn't quite work for me. I know what you are trying to say.

I enjoyed the snowball to golem scene. In her present state of inebriation, I can definitely see her whistling a tune of victory at the end.


"Sir... By the way, Lord Knight Captain Redemption told me to wait for you and some third knight," he says, eying to the chair next to him. Order stops at the door to Redemption's office.
I think you can drop the to there.


"I think you overestimate my ability," Order says, as she stares ahead of her smirking on the side of her facing away from Law.
Again the wording didn't quite work for me but I understood what you were trying to say.


"Cannon?" Order asks, turning her head to the word. Law shakes his head, his long mail clinking with each change of direction.
I think at is more correct here.


“Oh, oh I guess I’m okay, just been reading, various things about various things,” Love says, shuffling about one of her many pockets and in-armor compartments to locate a piece of paper, crumpled up and stained with a liquid smelling of chamomile.
Liked this bit. The smell of chamomile mixed well with her character.


Overall this is an enjoyable piece. The writing is clean and easy to follow and the story is engaging, aside from a few minor nits here and there. I have to say though that my interest waned a bit in the second chapter. First, I would have preferred that she stayed her drunken state.

After reading this bit on my 2nd read, I had a thought.

It’s convenient to have most of them living in the same place in case a giant skeleton appears and starts running toward one of the capital cities- stuff like that.
There's a lot of dialog that I realize is important to character and relation building but what if Order pops over to HQ and they actually are attacked by a giant skeleton. Now the exchanges can occur in the middle of a battle. I would like to see Order struggle and her drunken stupor can provide a decent challenge for her as they battle a worthy adversary. Just a thought.

Thanks for sharing.

KellInkston
March 28th, 2015, 08:07 PM
Ok, finished. The present tense narration was a problem for me as well initially, though I can get used to just about anything. I believe the present tense narration might work for the younger audience you are targeting. First - comments and nits.


This isn't necessarily wrong but I had the wrong image in my head. I had to look back to the beginning of the chapter where she rises up from her chair.


I think a period and a new sentence would be correct here.


The wording doesn't quite work for me. I know what you are trying to say.

I enjoyed the snowball to golem scene. In her present state of inebriation, I can definitely see her whistling a tune of victory at the end.


I think you can drop the to there.


Again the wording didn't quite work for me but I understood what you were trying to say.


I think at is more correct here.


Liked this bit. The smell of chamomile mixed well with her character.


Overall this is an enjoyable piece. The writing is clean and easy to follow and the story is engaging, aside from a few minor nits here and there. I have to say though that my interest waned a bit in the second chapter. First, I would have preferred that she stayed her drunken state.

After reading this bit on my 2nd read, I had a thought.

There's a lot of dialog that I realize is important to character and relation building but what if Order pops over to HQ and they actually are attacked by a giant skeleton. Now the exchanges can occur in the middle of a battle. I would like to see Order struggle and her drunken stupor can provide a decent challenge for her as they battle a worthy adversary. Just a thought.

Thanks for sharing.

Thanks to you- excellent crit!

I concede you pretty much hit the nail on the head, I'm a master at tripping myself at beginning sentences and build up, so I'm happy you could catch me there on those awkward sentences. The thought on Order staying inebriated is an interesting idea, think I might hold her to that for awhile, might even throw in a fight scene to get the whole enjoyment out of that- awesome idea.

Thanks again for dealing with the present-tense, too. I'm just certain most YA readers will be cool on it and I'm too lazy to do otherwise.

Thank you for reading!

ShadowEyes
April 5th, 2015, 08:09 PM
CHAPTER ONE: A WORLD CLOSE TOGETHER
A soldier bursts into the warm tent. Which tent? How is it warm? "Sir, the Eastern Force is making an advance!" One of the leaders of the Northern front assault, Lord Knight General Order, rises up from her chair.
"You mean to say they're coming here?" she says, massaging her temples as she takes one last glance at her glass of blackwater forty. If there’s a battle, why is she drinking?
"Yes, sir! A bit confusing that she’s called “sir”. Please do something!"
She rubs the wear The what? from her eyes. "What abouttheothermages?"
"They're either out of mana How did this happen? or reassigned to the counter-espionage operation. Besides, we'd need fifty of them to do what you could alone!”
"It has to be me, then?" I don’t understand the drama because the stakes are not set. There is a complication: an approaching army; but the character revelation, being drunk, is not a result of this conflict. In fact, I don’t know why she’s drunk.
"Yes, sir. Don't you remember when you gave your orders?" Order looks to the side, immersed in thought for a moment.
"Can't say I remember," she says. The officer pauses in front of his official and looks over her reddened face and short figure, carelessly slouched at her feet.
"...You're drunk, General?"
"I wouldn't say 'drunk' so much as 'under the effects of a… tactical error," she says with a snide grin.
"Sir, this is serious, they'll be here in minutes. They've already crossed the valley and they're on their way up!" A little confusing who’s talking to whom.
Order's quiet a moment, and then sighs.
"Alright. I'll take care of this," she says before passing the guard and exiting the tent. Immediately she is bittenby the star-white winds of the North, chilling her, but ineffective in causing her to shiver. The white haired, young-looking lady with millennia of age under her belt strides across the camp, sparing quick glances to the masses of terrified soldiers and magicians rushing about and forming ranks. This is all theory to me. Until she proves this grandeur, it’s all meaningless. She moves past all of them to the rim of the camp and looks down the steep, snow-clad hill towards the enemy camp. They have the height advantage...
Down about a hundred meters and climbing up quickly are about four hundred Easterners, cozy How do I know this? in their long wool uniforms and confident with those strange, metallic "fire-arms" slung over their shoulders. Are these particularly dangerous? Why are they strange? The front rankof men spotOrder, clothed in but a simple set of winter wear, and call for the others to prepare the rifles in that strange Eastern language that Order knows well. The Lord Knight General Who? stares at the battalion of men struggling up the mountain for only a moment more, and then a moves to thwart them..
With the fluttering grace of a butterfly, she raises her hand, speaks a few words, and then moves her finger across her vision of the men.
Suddenly, a squad of snowballs forms on the edge of the hill and begins rolling down towards the enemy force. The orbs of white fluff gain size and weight as they tumble towards their targets, becoming formidable boulders of ice in seconds. Order watches with an amused look as the small dots of brown down the hill scatter and retreat as the massive snow-boulders smash through their ranks. She then begins moving her hands as if shaping clay, all while speaking in a second arcane language. Just as the exhausted group of rifle menrestart their assault, the boulders of snow form arms and legs and begin ramming into and toppling the soldiers as if they were blades of grass. This is confusing to me. The soldiers open fire on the titans of snow, each bullet hitting their mark, but not a single one slowing their targets.
Order smacks her lips tiredly as she watches the men below, blasted away from the strength of the golems that she had created.
Shereallywishesshe’dbrought her glass of blackwater with her.
This type of all-powerful magic isn’t particularly interesting because there are no defined limitations to what it can do. Right now, the action is irrelevant to me.

Only a minute passes of the Easterners battling the golems, and then the tide turns for good. Why? Why should I care about one side being “good” and the other not? I have no emotional attachment to the main character or her side yet. The soldiers, some with broken limbs and concussions, run, limp, or are carried away back to their camp. Order nods, playing a victorious tune in her head as she severs the magical link between herself and the golems, returning them back to their inanimate states. Behind her, several soldiers and camp-folk cheeratthemight of the second-in-command of the Royal Knights, an arch magehero worthy of her bestowed knightly title: Order.

She rises to her feet and starts back to camp to finish her beloved libation and almost gets there when her path is interceptedbyafrazzled-looking messenger.
"M-ma-eh, sir! Lord Knight Captain Redemption's over the com-stone!" the boy says, presenting Order with the large red crystal. Order nods, says "thanks," and then raises the gem to her lips.
"Daniel?" she says into the rock, causing it to glow in response to her voice.
"Ranalie, good to hear you," comes a voice from the magic stone.

Just for your information, dear Reader, "Daniel" and "Ranalie" are the actual names of Redemption and Order respectively; they were given titles like that by the people of the Western Kingdoms in recognition for their virtuous deeds… Why don’t you start with those then? Remember virtue is earned through struggle, not slaughter. Oh, and pardon the interruption, I'm the narrator; it's nice to meet you! You can call me “The Writer” for the time being, though. I simply thought it would be nice for me to introduce myself before we go any further. Please, don't let me stop you, read on!
Umm, this cuts suspension of disbelief and also interferes with the emotional effect which I presume you hope to produce. If it is whimsy, then I suppose the effect would work, but I have no defined emotion at the moment besides tedium.
Furthermore, I’m pretty sure I’ll forget the names.

"What do you need?" Order asks.
"I have an urgent assignment that needs taking care of."
"I thought I was supposed to keep the Easternersfromadva-"
"Yes, and now you will be letting Generosity handle that."
"Alright, guess this has gotta be pretty damn important for you to be calling me up," Order says, her slurred speech ringing through the stone. Redemption is quiet a moment before responding.
"...Something seems off with you. Have you been drinking again?" Redemption asks.
Order pauses as she thinks of her response.
"Maybe."
"Please, please dear, think of your image."
"What image?" she says with a laugh.
"You and I are considered legendary heroes, you know, and people get weirded out whenthey see a seven-thousand-so year oldarch mage drinking for kicks."
"And what's the problem with drinking for kicks?"
"You... nevermind. Get back to HQ for your new assignment. It's something only you can do."
Humm, they talk like they’re in the modern era. Also, I am personally wary of drinking as a motivator simply because it doesn’t allow for strong character development. Things are said simply out of recourse to the alcohol. Choices are skewed. That is my opinion.
"If you say so, Daniel."
"I do. Now come quickly, please!"
"...You got it," she says before the glow of the stone dies out, signifying the person on the other line has severed his mana-link I really need an explanation of mana and how it is limited and not just a deus ex machina. to his shard of the gem. Order returns the stone to the messenger and returns to the commander’s tent to find her dog, Parvo, has finished her glass of blackwater. That’s a really careful dog. She gathers her armor, a shining white mithril plate-suit enchanted to resist anything from a mere bullet Is this sci-fi or fantasy? to a tower falling on her. Umm, it covers all of her body? A few minutes later, she’s suited up and ready for whatever catastrophe Redemption can throw at her. Finally, she grasps the dimensional sheath of her legendary sword, called “Monument” The names are getting a little hard to remember. by most who know it. Prepared, her mind begins simmering What is their relationship? on the possible mission Redemption could have for her as she pats Parvo goodbye, exits her tent, and makes her way to the summoning tent across camp.
Could it be Chaos? Maybe he's attacking a capital city... or maybe The Trench has burst open to declare war on us. Have the old dragons returned, or the titans? she wonders, eager to know what cataclysm she'll face. Whatever it is, it must be a major threat to the Western Kingdoms.
She gets to the summoning tent, tells the magicians her destination, and waits a few minutes for them to compose the summoning circle leading to the Royal Knights Headquarters- a complex ordeal involving chanting, arcane scripting, and lots and lots of candles. Honestly, the best bit yet, as it introduces some limits to the magic. And it’s descriptive. A portal tears right through the fabric of reality, and Order steps in to traverse thousands of miles in a matter of seconds.



CHAPTER TWO: FROM THE FRONT TO THE BACK
The Lord Knight General Order steps from New Reinen's space gate, Wellllll…. I guess it’s magical sci-fi! a large rune-engraved portal that serves as either a beginning or an end for magic travels like this. She steps down from the gate into New Reinen's center square, glances over three young recruits, two of which who promptly salute and one that just stumbles in shock and confusion, and then she passes the training grounds into the executive office of the Royal Knights of The Old Kingdom of Reinen.

Sorry if this gets long-winded, Reader; there's quite a lot to cover when presenting an entire dimension to someone. Anyway, New Reinen is sort of a headquarters and town for the Royal Knights. It’s convenient to have most of them living in the same place in case a giant skeleton appears and starts running toward one of the capital cities- stuff like that.
I suppose the interludes are rather quaint, if framed rather oddly. I don’t think you should apologize to the readers, though.
Order stands in the entryway a moment, takes a breath, and waves a hand along her cheek as she speaks words from one of the many magic languages she knows. Suddenly, her flushed face returns to its former, pale state and her dilated pupils sharpen in focus. She finds magic that quickly neutralizes alcoholic influences to be among her favorites. But can she perform them while she’s intoxicated?
The now sober Order passes through the golden halls, each window ridged with flower planters, and moves across the regal burgundy carpets up to Redemption's office. Sitting in one of the chairs to the side is a hulking, broad Knight, a Dragon-Kin: the crossbreed of human and dragon that once threatened the entirety of human civilization. To his side is a mace and shield, both the size of a person and hewn from the solid rock of the southern canyons.


"Knight Law," Order greets him, bowing her head as she passes. The hulking Repeated. mass of scales, teeth and muscles nods back.
"Sir... By the way, Lord Knight Captain Redemption told me to wait for you and some third knight," he says, eying to the chair next to him. Order stops at the door to Redemption's office.
"So, you and I and someone else will be going on an assignment?"
"S'what I've been told," he mutters through his bulwark of white teeth.
"Very well," Order says, taking a seat next to Law in the rose-scented hall, laying her eyes on the rays of sun gleaming from the stained-glass windows. This is significantly less cheesy than rolling snowballs down a hill to kill people. Order’s quiet a moment and looks at the sunlight as Law inspects his boots, both of the knights silent.


"S'what have you been up to during the war?" Law asks.
"I've been with the Blue Company up north," Order responds.
"Leading, sir?"
"Yes."
"Ahh- I hear it's been fairly easy for you."
"It has. No matter how advanced the East's technology becomes, magic is realms above it."
"Agreed."
"And yourself?"
"I've been in the Yellow Company," Law says, his words skewed with a sigh. Order raises a brow.
"The front lines? How is it?"
"I have no idea why the ministry of war didn't put you there. This war would be over. Your magic can resist any of their monstrosities of science--you could just walk into camp and kill them all."
"I think you overestimate my ability," Order says, as she stares ahead of her Comma. smirking on the side of her facing away from Law.
"I'm certain you're just being humble, sir."
"Perhaps... but a Dragon-Kin like you wouldn't have a problem with being on the front lines, would you?"
"Not really, my armor s'thick it deflects bullets; only thing I need to look for are the cannon shots."
"Cannon?" Order asks, turning her head to the word. Law shakes his head, his long mail clinking with each change of direction.
"Really big firearms- saw one shoot a Ragnivanian boy's head right off."
"Like magic bolts?"
"Yes."
Order draws back into her seat and raises a brow in intrigue. "Interesting... but to be honest I don't think I would be of as much help there with you."
"Why's that?"
"I don't kill people if I can prevent it."
"What do you mean?"
"I've been around way too long. I lost my taste for killing people quite a while ago- especially innocents who are forced to fight by their rulers," Order says calmly. Law snorts out a breath of hot air, staring at the wall alongside her.
"You mur--… defeated many dragons in the Extermination Wars. They feel as much pain as a human would; what makes them so different?" Law asks, turning his gaze directly on her. Order pauses in thought. If she answered honestly and said "it's because they're not human," it would imply that a Dragon-Kin like Law would only be half human and thus only half important.
"I didn't hate the dragons, Rayull," Order says, calling Law by his true name, "but they threatened humanity, the fairies, the orcs, and everyone else," she adds. Law scrapes his boot against the marble floor as he lets out a quick, gentle scoff.
"Call me Law. And then after you removed the dragons, you removed the orcs. Only the fairies still have their own land outside of humanity's grasp."
"That's not my responsibility, and it's not my fault. They waged war, and you need to remember I'm a soldier."
"S'why do you suddenly turn away from killing humans?"
"I follow my orders. If I'm placed on the front line, I'll do it and I'll take care of it- that's it. I won’t enjoy it, but I’ll do it if I have to," Order says, straightening her gaze forward. Law stares at Order for a few seconds and then turns back to inspect his weapon.
"I suppose that's sensible, sir. I just think you could. If you cared s'much about human lives, why don't you just march into the Eastern Capital and threaten to kill him if he doesn't stop the war?"
"You know my real job, Law."
"The ‘Chaos Slayer?’"
"It's the popular title, but I hate it personally."
"Why's that?"
"It implies that I ever killed him."
"You're right, sir; I'm sorry. It must be hard, not being able to leave the Western Kingdoms in the case that he should attack," Law says, stealthily eying the lady next to him for any facial movement.
"It's been a long life to live in one place. I've seen much of the world, but sometimes I wonder how much more I would have seen if I weren't waiting for Chaos."
"I suppose it's a job someone needs t'do. Thank you for your service," Law says, now looking at her from the side more blatantly. Order sees a spark of real respect in his eyes.
"And yours," She says with a nod.
"But unlike you, I'm allowed to go on leave. You sacrifice much more than any of us."
"You're wrong there, I'm still here after almost seven thousand years, in this waiting room we call life. There are people who have given much more than I, and have moved on."
Law squints at Order. “Do you seek death?"
"No, I’m happy, but I think anyone would get a little bitter about millennia passing once you start forgetting people. You meet someone, shake their hand, fall in love with them, and then the next thing you recall is the sight of their headstone. It was so strange, being young; it's like a dream now."
"You are considered a savant when it comes to longevity magic, and even with all the close calls you've had, you’ve survived. I'm sorry if I came off as disrespectful, I didn’t meant to make you sound less than you are." Law says. Order shakes her head.
Not a word is spoken for half a minute, as both struggle to find something to talk about that the other would appreciate.
"You're in your eighties now, right?" Order asks turning again to Law.
"Yes. The challenges of being a Dragon-Kin in a society of humans is... unique."
"I'd imagine. How's Meeo been?"
"We haven't talked," Law says. Order hums.
The dialogue is okay, if a bit boring. It’s almost like they’re talking about things that they already know for the sake of the reader. Or else they’re going over topics that they probably could have guessed with an inkling of thought. For instance, the main conflict I see is that there is a war and Order wants to fall away from killing humans. There’s also the idea of being on the front lines, of being trapped in a city waiting, and of the whole purpose of the war. There are too many internal conflicts going on at once, self-explained to the reader, without any real evidence as to why they’re real emotional investments for the characters. It’s idle talk. She hasjust recently killed people, but I do not know who those people were or why they’re fighting. Conflicts are simple to contrive; getting characters to act in them, with motivations, is harder and requires an understanding of life that can only come from experience and wisdom of human action. You need to figure out why the characters are fighting (hopefully for one good reason), why they (perhaps, as you suggested) do notwant to fight, and show that reluctance in a dramatic way.

"For how long?"
"A few months. I have no idea what she's doing; probably something petty and childish as usual."
"I understand you find her a bit flippant, but that's no reason to say such things about the person who raised you." But what does Order think of this lady in regards to herself?
"Don't remind me. Her love was smothering. How so? I'm not a human, I can take care of myself."
"I don't doubt you can, but I'd say she did a fairly good job raising you those fifty years."
"Thank you, sir."
"My pleasure, Law."
"Yes, I suppose it's just irritating being around her. S'still treats me like I'm a hatchling, and a Dragon-Kin finishes adolescence at around sixty. Once again, talking about things they already shouldknow, or else things that are irrelevant to the plot... I just hate it that s'still gets on my case about things like finding a girlfriend or studying for my knight exams. We've sort of drifted apart." If he’s so young then why is he in the same sphere as Order?
Order nods in thought just before she feels a very unique presence approaching them. Being magically attuned, Order can easily pick out specific people in a kilometer radius just based on their personal magic signatures. She smirks. How does this work? It kind of kills the mystery. And if you implement this, you cannot ever forget about it.
"So, what would you say to her if she were here now?" Order asks, looking down the hall intently.
"I'd tell her to grow up. Adults, let alone adults thousands of years old, should act as if they grew out of being a child. I'd tell her that coloring books are for children, that people grow out of lullabies and bedtime stories, and that people who refuse to become adults refuse to improve themse--" It seems like teenage angst to me.
"Oh, Hosy, Ran! Hello!" coos a friendly, almost motherly voice from behind Law. Law cringes, and slowly turns his head.
The two spot the colorful, dyed Redundant unless it’s multiple colors. If it’s not, then I need to know which color it is. hair and dreamy, cloud-set What? eyes of an old acquaintance. As usual she has a whimsical, aloof smile across her face and carries the overpowering smell of incense. Order smiles and Law promptly scowls.
“You’re kiddi--” Probably should have dialogue tags. Otherwise, it’s confusing who said what, especially when you have action immediately afterwards. Order cuts off Law by shoving him lightly. Law sighs.
“Meeo, hello!” Order greets Love with a bow.
“Good afternoon, Knight Love,” Law grumbles. Meeo Letlind, titled “Love” by The Royal Knights of The Old Kingdom of Reinen Titles Committee, Why? steps up to them, looks about a moment as if there is a ghost flying around in the room, and then focuses in on her two fellow Knights.
“Hiyo! I imagine her having a flat, muted Missouri accent. Are you both good this peculiar day?” Love asks. Law pushes out a breath of hot air as if he were about to cook Love alive.
“Have some respect, Knight Love. Call us by our titles unless you intend to discredit yourself,” Law warns with a scowl, showing off his sharp teeth. Love looks at Law with her usual, unchanging smile.
“Oh?” she coos, “Okay then, Mister Lord Sergeant Knight Commander of the Royal Knights of the Old Kingdom of Reinen, I.D. number 3,982, Fourth-in-Command in the Yellow Company of the Eastern wars held upon the Gaingr--”
“Funny, just my title,” Law interrupts.
“You mean Mister Lord Ser-”
“Love, come on,” Order cuts in with a smirk, hearing another distressed huff from Law. Love hums, moves her head about in thought, and nods.
“Very well,” Love says as she takes a seat next to Law, who groans. Love then turns to Law and smiles.
“So, you didn’t answer my question,” she reminds while delivering a kindly poke.
“Yeah? What’s that?”
“How are you, Law?” she says.
“I’m fine.”
Love grins and hugs Law. The dragon-kin shudders on contact.
“Ohhh! I’m so happy to hear that! You know I’ve been worried about you, Why? all of the other Knights seem so happy to talk but you never seem to have the time!” Love says as she rubs her soft cheek on Law’s shoulder pauldron. Order grins crassly.
“Let me be, Knight Love. I don’t have time for your childish shenanigans.”
“Oh, what? You were always so playful when you were just a little hatchli-”
“I see you haven’t changed in the past year at all, Knight Love,” Law says, doing his best to defend his image in front of Order before Meeo tarnishes it with an embarrassing story about his childhood. Law pushes Love from him and crosses his arms as he turns away.
“Mmm? Fine. Whatever you say, Hosy-Po-“
“Order, please make her stop! She’s disrespecting the honor of her fellow Knight, yet again,” Law pleads, interrupting Love the moment before she could utter his childhood nickname.
“Hmm, Love,” Order begins. Love laughs and nods to Order, well aware of what she is going to say.
“Alright, Order. I’m done,” she says with a long, knowing smile as she sits properly with her feet to the ground.
“Thank you, Meeo,” Order says. Love giggles lightly.
“Of course- of course. So how have you been, Order?”
“I’ve been very well, thank you. You?” Order says.
“Oh, oh I guess I’m okay, just been reading, various things about various things,” Love says, shuffling about one of her many pockets and in-armor compartments to locate a piece of paper, crumpled up and stained with a liquid smelling of chamomile.
“Reading what, might I ask?” Love restores the note to readability by unfolding it, and holds it up to Order with both hands.
“This, along with a novel series I’ve been checking out recently using temporal-anomaly object collection. I was only able to find the second book in the series so far, but I’m sure I’ll find the others soon enough. Really do want to find out what happens to those poor ring bearers,” Love says. Love. Character trait: Loves books and is insufferable. (:
“Just like you to use realmancy to find books that haven’t been written yet,” Order says as she looks over the piece of paper.

Just so you know, dear Reader, realmancy is an incredibly specialized type of magic that only a small handful of people in the Omniverse can use with any degree of success; it deals with the collecting and interaction of objects that do not (or should not) exist. That said realmancy is quite the complex ordeal, and is considered a craft of the insane. I’m telling you this, Reader, because this will be quite important to the story.
Okay, I’ve got it now. I feel like these interludes to the reader ought to be kept as backstory notes instead of spoken directly to the reader. If you cannot present them in a way that makes them relevant, then it’s not necessary to present them at this time. And, in fact, I’ll forget them and won’t want to go back to these bits.

Order nods, says “interesting” to be polite, and reads over the note. It’s also a summons by the leader of the Knights, Lord Captain Redemption.
“A summons, same as mine,” Order says, returning the letter. Love raises a brow in interest.
“Oh? I wonder why. Might he have something for the three of us?” Love guesses, tilting her head just a bit to the side.
“That’s what Law heard. We were both called from the war too. What were you doing?” Order asks, leaning forward to look across Law to Love. Love hums and lightly pokes her cheek.
“I was spending time with the nice people in the black company, actually,” Love says, receiving looks of surprise from Order and Law, sitting at her left.
“No way,” Law says, looking aside.
“Really now? Didn’t think you would be... you know...” Order pauses, trying to come up with the correct words for someone who’s been placed in the most brutal, murderous company, tasked with high-class assassination and espionage missions. Hmm, a bit illogical that she would be in this Company.
“I’ve been getting that a lot, actually. I don’t find much of a problem with it,” Love says as she scratches the side of her cheek.
“Yeah, sure. What did they have you do, read the operators bedtime stories?” Law asks with a wry smirk.
“Hmm, I did a thing or two. Nothing very special,” Love says with a smile, “I presume you were read to in your company? Was anyone there to tuck you i-” Love halts her question the moment the doors open to the office. Knight Sensitivity steps out, his raven black hair, smooth Spirakandrin skin, and armor looking as well-groomed It’s metal, though, right? as usual.
“Hello, Order, Law, Love,” he says with a smile and a nod as he passes them.
The other three greet him back. Sensitivity disappears into his office with his new assignment. The three pause expectantly. They can hear the sound of papers, rustling.
“Alright; thank you all for waiting. Get in here,” a kind, but controlling voice instructs from inside the office.
The three Knights rise from their seats and enter the office of their leader, Lord Captain Redemption, the man most responsible for the safety of the millions who live in the Western Kingdoms.

I think the complication is a bit weak at this point. We do not know why there’s a war going on, except that it has always been going on. You mentioned other races but didn’t relate it to the story. The characters are less-than-okay, and so you could spend more time fleshing them out in manners where they have flaws that are related to the story, or perhaps which put them in complications which are more mettle-testing than what they’ve been forced to do so far.

The good thing is that you’re writing it, though, and there are some pleasant moments; but I feel like it needs to be tightened up and there is a lot of unnecessary dialogue and a dearth of action which is, I presume, you simply writing the story without any foreknowledge of how it ought to go. Which is fine. But I would suggest to remember that revisions are harder to do when you’ve grown attached to scenes, rather than simply skipping those scenes in the first place. I would also suggest to focus on one main detracting flaw/trait for each character (if you want to integrate the characters into the complication) and make it relevant to one main overarching conflict, whether it be the war, or dissatisfaction with the war, or the nature of dragon-kin raising, or being summoned for some purpose other than the war, etc. Otherwise, you’ll confuse the readers and the pacing will sag.

However, I like that Order is a bit more developed and “tougher” than the other characters. I think you can work on this trait. What would happen if she, who is so powerful, hated the war effort? What if she became corrupted, or left? What if there is some new technology which she cannot overcome and is incapacitated?

Good luck with your writing, and remember that stories are not about dragons, per se, but how those dragons are overcome.

R. Mountebank
April 6th, 2015, 11:40 PM
Some interesting and fun elements.
Could really use a prolouge or some kind of build up to the first part. Why are these people here? Why are they fighting? Who fights for what etc.
The fourth wall narator didn't work for me personaly. It was too jarring and disrupted the flow.
I also got confused as to who was saying what during the dialouge.

Good work. Keep it up!

R. Mountebank
April 6th, 2015, 11:48 PM
The disappearing space thing happened to me too.

I have an OEM version of windows 2007 which decides to cut spaces out. Not great when theres one hundred thousand words plus in an MS...
I could go though the whole MS, fixing things, only to find a new batch of smooched words the next time I opened it up.

As a result I tend to only write at work (Windows office 2013). Haven't had any problems since.

KellInkston
April 7th, 2015, 02:54 AM
Thanks again for the feedback, everyone. I'll be sure to incorporate some of these edits on the next go around.

3blake7
June 14th, 2015, 10:19 PM
I didn’t meant to make you -> I didn’t mean to make you
smirking on the side of her facing away from Law -> smirking on the side facing away from Law

I liked it. What's the deal with realmancy? It sounds cool but I think you should drop the lord of the rings reference, that universe doesnt really mesh well with yours.