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Elsey2
March 22nd, 2015, 10:49 PM
Prologue

Instinct.
Deep down we always know when something is right or wrong. Itís more than a gut feeling. Itís the universeís way of telling us that weíre right; to go with what our subconscious is telling us.Itís the voice in the back of our heads that keeps us away from dark alleys at night, that makes us take a chance on a love interest, and in some cases itís the voice that tells us to stay away from that certain someone who makes the hair stand up on the backs of our necks stand up.

But sometimes we donít listen to that voice. Sometimes we let our hearts, or our curiosity speak for us, drowning out the logic that we were taught by our parents to listen to.

Iím one of those people. For the past sixmonths Iíve been listening to my heart. Regrets? I have none. Iíve opened a world of doors that I never knew existed, and for that I have never felt morealive. The down side? Iím about to die; but I can honestly say that if the feel of the flames is the only price Iíll have to pay for quite literally sharing my soul with another, then I shall die a peaceful, exultant death.

Book Cook
March 23rd, 2015, 09:17 AM
and in some cases it’s the voice that tells us to stay away from that certain someone who makes the hair stand up on the backs of our necks stand up.


Delete either stand up.

The first part talks about instinct, the third thinks it's dismissing the instinct. But it's not. If you're talking about six months of love and doing risky things for that love, then you're talking about nothing but instinct. Love lasts for two years of brutal instinct, and the rest is habit and addiction.

The piece is solid. The first paragraph segues smoothly into the second, and the second into the third. But it is too short and too vague for a reader to understand anything. The speaker is going to die, and the reader cannot discern with certainty whether it's because he's stupid, vicarious, in love, persecuted, etc. It doesn't seem like it was written to anyone. It just seems like a personal thought.

TKent
March 24th, 2015, 01:58 AM
I liked this. Nice mysterious hook.

Some of the sentences could be tightened up a bit. Like the one below. I think you could just say, "..drowning out logic." but I sometimes think less is more so more of a personal preference. Hope you post more :)

Sometimes we let our hearts, or our curiosity speak for us, drowning out the logic that we were taught by our parents to listen to.

tmason
March 24th, 2015, 07:25 AM
I am not one to usually get into prologues but if they were more like yours I would be hooked!

I agree with the first commenter, get rid of one of the "stand up" phrases in the first paragraph. Preferably the first.

Here is my take on what you wrote; big changes in bold:





Prologue

Instinct.

Deep down we always know when something is right or wrong. Itís more than a gut feeling. Itís the universeís way of telling us that weíre right; to go with what our subconscious is telling us. Itís the voice in the back of our heads that keeps us away from dark alleys at night, that makes us take a chance on a love interest and in some cases itís the voice that tells us to stay away from that certain someone who makes the hair on the backs of our necks stand up.

Sometimes we donít listen to that voice. We let our hearts or our curiosity speak for us, drowning out the logic that we were taught by our parents to listen to.

Iím one of those people. For the past six months Iíve been listening to my heart. Regrets? I have none. Iíve opened a world of doors that I never knew existed and for that I have never felt more alive. The down side? Iím about to die; but I can honestly say that if the feel of the flames is the only price Iíll have to pay for quite literally sharing my soul with another, then I shall die a peaceful, exultant death.


Hope my small edits made this better. I feel without the "But" and the second "Something" it flows smoother.

Let me know what you think and how this progresses.

Elsey2
March 28th, 2015, 05:38 PM
Those are great suggestions. I've just made a few changes to the story. I have about 45 pages so far. These are very helpful tips. Thanks a lot... I would post more but it's quite a bit for a forum I believe. I've been writing leisurely since I've been in high school probably, or even before, but I'd love to attempt to get something published. It's hard to write a lot because I have a family and a full time job, but it's something I do enjoy to do whenever I get a minute here and there.

Thanks again for the suggestions!

KellInkston
March 29th, 2015, 12:50 AM
Pretty sweet, it makes me want to read more. I agree with Tkent that it could be a little tighter, and I think a few words are compile together, needing spaces ("sixmonths" is a fair example). Otherwise it's solid.

Good job!

Nayath
March 29th, 2015, 10:37 AM
This is quite a good prologue, I like it. I love the smooth rythm of this fragment and I'd certainly read whatever that comes next. I'm not finding it too loose, though, or at least not loose enough to bother me.

Elsey2
April 3rd, 2015, 01:24 PM
Great... Thanks... Made some minor changes but kept it close to its original :)

Narhval
April 5th, 2015, 04:08 PM
This is a prologue that really grabbed my attention and I would love to read more of the story.

Elsey2
April 7th, 2015, 11:32 PM
Thanks. If you're at all interested I'll send part of the first chapter...

Frankyette
April 10th, 2015, 02:26 AM
I'm interested! :icon_bounce:
Also, there are parts I think that could use commas and the edits above. Besides that, more please!

StephLondon
April 27th, 2015, 01:32 PM
There are some grammatical errors that the others have already brought up. I'd say, to make the prologue longer and to get the reader a bit more involved, maybe add some short personal experiences of the narrator. Describe how she's about to die. The first paragraph is great and I enjoyed it, I just think I want more, which is a good thing. I hope you post more.

Elsey2
April 29th, 2015, 01:40 AM
Is there a way to paste a story excerpt in here without it all bunching together? I get that every time and I can't figure it out. It takes so long to go through and separate each word, ya know? Thanks again for reviewing and I was going to post another short part but it's not formatting correctly. ��

LeeC
April 29th, 2015, 02:31 AM
I'm assuming you are pasting from Word, which many have had problems with. You might notice when you start a thread, or choose Go Advanced, in the top tool bar there's an icon with a W on it. Supposedly this is what you should use when pasting from Word.

I can't tell you how well it works because I don't use Word. Another option is to Save a version of your Word .doc to a .rtf or .txt file and paste from that.

I don't think either way will solve all problems, but you'll come closer to what you want to see.

Personally, I paste from a .txt file then, with the Go Advanced option if needed, I edit in the window.

Hope this helps.

Shannon
May 1st, 2015, 09:58 PM
It sounds deep and edgy ( in the place of a more common sadness ), especially about death. Either by the way you've described it, or you intend for it to be this way.

I like the way it sounds, I look forward to reading the finished piece.