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Awanita
November 24th, 2014, 04:49 PM
Usti Tawodi and the ghost deer/Part 1
The swamp lay silent as U-s-ti Ta-wo-di made his way through the Cypress trees. The Loons gave off their erie call as the morning sun was rising in the east. This was a special trip for him, he was now twelve summers and the elders of his village sent U-s-ti Ta-wo-di to hunt the ghost deer. The young hunter would trail this deer for three days. Once the young hunter had found the ghost deer he would have to take a lock of the deer's fur back to the elders. The test was given to all the young males when they became twelve summers and U-s-ti Ta-wo-di wanted to be able to return with the solid white fur. In return he would be honored at the U-ta-nv ceremony with one eagle feather and from then on he would be looked upon as an adult.

U-s-ti Ta-wo-di passed through the swamp barely making a sound his eyes fixed on the trail ahead of him and his ears listening for the faintest sound. Just then he stopped as he heard a twig break in the dense woods ahead of him. He stopped and listened very closely and about thirty yards in front of him he caught a brief flash of white, dart off into the deeper part of the woods. He knew that running behind the ghost deer would do no good so with patients he took his time and followed the deer's tracks. The hardwoods and Cypress were so thick it kept most of the sunlight from lighting up the floor.

Usti Tawodi turned to the west and began his trailing then he heard a sound come from the north. He cut through the underbrush and continued north until he came to a large cane break. He stopped and listen and waited for what seemed like hours to the sounds of the forest. Usti Tawodi realized that the forest was alive he listened and watched the Tsi-s-qua-ya dart from tree limb to tree limb. He heard cawl of the Go-gv, then he watched as a momma Di-li and her two babies foraged in the leaves for grubs. Usti Tawodi knew to stay away from the Dili, Unequa gave the Dili strong medicine when he created him. He remembered that several summers ago his cousin Ugvstili had made the same hunt for the ghost deer and got too close to Dili. Ugvstili scrubbed in the creek for seven days and was made to sleep outside the village because of the smell.

Usti Tawodi turned his attention back to the hunt. He saw where a small path had been made into the cane break, pulling his flint knife from his side belt he slowly began to work his way through the maze of cane that stood almost twenty feet tall. As he made his way through the cane he came to an opening where he saw fresh deer tracks in the damp ground. The tracks were pointed due west Usti Tawodi repositioned his bow across his back took his flint knife and cut a long cane to make a Da-tli-de. He sharped the end of the cane just in case Yona the bear was close by, it would be hard to shoot his bow in the thick can and the flint knife would not give Usti Tawodi much protection against Yona. He put his knife back in his belt and grabbed a good firm defensive hold on the Datlide and started his journey once more.

The farther west he went the thicker the cane became, and it seem to filter out all of the sun light it seemed as though he had been going west for a long long time. The longer he walked the sounds of the forest seemed to fade into the distance so that all he heard was the slight sound of the cane leaves underneath his moccasins. Usti Tawodi Knew that the a-do-nv-do world lay very far in the west and with that thought he held tighter to the Datlide and continued to walk. The sounds of the forest had long faded and the light dimmed when Usti Tawodi heard a faint noise coming from the west, he stopped and listened it was the sound of ceremonial drums.

He thought to himself why would any of his tribe be this deep in the forest beating ceremonial drums. The more he walked the louder they got, he could feel his heart begin to beat fast just as the rhythm of the drums. He could see something in the far distance but it was hard to see between the stalks of cane. Usti Tawodi began to squint his eyes to make out what was just ahead beyond the cane, as he did he felt a heaviness come over him and he stopped he could see a light coming from just beyond the cane. It looked like a campfire as Usti Tawodi watched the flames dancing his eyes became heavier and heavier until he could not stand any longer and sat on the forest floor. Just as he closed his eyes the drums grew louder as he now could hear chants and prayer songs ringing in his ears. He opened his eyes and there he sat with the ancient ones in the circle. The one of the ancient ones said "Osiya Ni Ha(g)ta Hia" and Usti Tawodi turned and looked as the ghost deer came from the darkness of the west and began to dance around the fire of the ancient ones.

The ghost deer leaped, pranced and stomped to sound of the drums and sang these words "A-yu-li Ga-ta-su-ni a-s-ga-yv" (The young child is growing up to be a man) Usti Tawodi knew this had to be a vision. When the ghost deer had repeated his songs one time for each direction of the wind and the one above father sky and mother earth he became as a white smoke and covered Usti Tawodi as a rushing wind. Then the white smoked turned into the grandfather spirit and sat in front of Usti Tawodi and asked him what was it he sought of the ghost deer. Usti Tawodi told him he wanted to become a adult, a man, a great hunter and a brave warrior.

The drums then stopped and all the ancient ones turned to the ghost deer and nodded their head in agreement. Then the ghost deer looked Usti Tawodi and said "The ancient ones are in agreement that you should become a man, our people face hard times ahead. You must be a great hunter to provide for your people you must become a brave warrior and raise many sons to be brave warriors. So I the A-ni-tsa-s-gi-li A-wi will give you what you wish, to become an adult but it will not be easy to catch me. I am very fast, wise and I will only let you catch me when you have learned how to be a man, adult, hunter and warrior." Then Anitsasgili Awi said that he would send Usi Tawodi three animals guides and spirit guides to help him over the next three days. If Usti Tawodi could complete the task given him Anitsasgili Awi would give him a lock of his white fur to take back to the elders of his village.

hvysmker
December 3rd, 2014, 10:53 PM
The Loons gave off their erie call as the morning sun was rising in the east.
*** eerie

This was a special trip for him, he was now twelve summers and the elders of his village sent U-s-ti Ta-wo-di to hunt the ghost deer.
*** Did he carry a left-handed knife, he-he? Sounds like a joke quest.

U-s-ti Ta-wo-di passed through the swamp barely making a sound his eyes fixed on the trail
*** Reads as if the swamp barely made a sound? Maybe something like, "As U-s-ti Ta-wo-di passed through the swamp, he barely made a sound...."?

He stopped and listened very closely and about thirty yards in front of him he caught a brief
*** I'd split the sentence after "listened"? It would make more sense.

He knew that running behind the ghost deer would do no good so with patients he took his time and followed the deer's tracks.
*** Again, I'd split it after "good"? Drop the "so", and the word is "patience".

The hardwoods and Cypress were so thick it kept most of the sunlight from lighting up the floor.
*** Drop "most of the"?

Usti Tawodi turned to the west and began his trailing then he heard a sound come from the north.
*** Needs work. Maybe "had turned" and use "when" instead of "then"?

Usti Tawodi realized that the forest was alive he listened and watched the Tsi-s-qua-ya dart from tree limb to tree limb.
*** Needs rearranging for clarity. Maybe, "Realizing that the forest was alive, he listened...."?

Ugvstili scrubbed in the creek for seven days and was made to sleep outside the village because of the smell.
*** You may pick a dilli but don't pet it.

He saw where a small path had been made into the cane break, pulling his flint knife from his
*** Split the sentence after "break"?

The tracks were pointed due west Usti Tawodi repositioned his bow across his back took his flint knife and cut a long cane to make a Da-tli-de.
*** Split the sentence after "west". You do this a lot, Awanita. In order to finish this critique, I'll stop commenting on that point, but you really should go over the story. Run-together sentences make a huge difference.

He sharped the end of the cane just in case Yona the bear was close by,
*** I don't understand? Do you mean sharpened the end of one cane as a spear?

The farther west he went the thicker the cane became, and it seem to filter out all of the sun light it seemed as though he had been going west for a long long time. The longer he walked the sounds of the forest seemed to fade into the distance so that all he heard was the slight sound of the cane leaves underneath his moccasins. Usti Tawodi Knew that the a-do-nv-do world lay very far in the west and with that thought he held tighter to the Datlide and continued to walk. The sounds of the forest had long faded and the light dimmed when Usti Tawodi heard a faint noise coming from the west, he stopped and listened it was the sound of ceremonial drums.
*** Several sentences here need splitting. As is, they make little sense. In general, shorter sentences are easier to read. Such as with "The farther west he went the thicker the cane became. It seemed to filter out all of the sunlight. It seemed as though he had been going west for a long long time."

He thought to himself why would any of his tribe be this deep in the forest beating ceremonial drums.
*** I'd drop the "He thought to himself." It only confuses the sentence.

Usti Tawodi began to squint his eyes to make out what was just ahead beyond the cane, as he did he felt a heaviness come over him and he stopped he could see a light coming from just beyond the cane.
*** How bout, "Usti Tawodi squinted to make out what was ahead, beyond the cane. As he did, he felt a heaviness come over him. Stopping, he saw a light coming from just beyond the cane."? At first, he squinted his eyes. Then, he felt a heaviness. Finally, he saw a light. Three subjects need three sentences.

I think the story itself has promise, Awanita. It's major handicap is those long convoluted sentences, hard to read and make sense of. Also, all that specialized language is confusing to me. I assume they're real words, but still confusing to the uninitiated. Maybe a glossary at the end, explaining the words? Most of the long sentences would be easier to read, even with native language, if split.

A careful rewrite will do wonders. This one seems like a first draft. You'll get a much better response if you wait a while, a week or so, maybe, then go over it carefully before reposting.

Charlie

Awanita
December 4th, 2014, 02:17 PM
Thank you so much for the advise and the comments. That's why I am here, to learn and get better thanks again. I read alot of your post and enjoy them. I think the more I read I will learn as well. Thanks again.