PDA

View Full Version : *BURN* very short/adult/language



cdr112
November 19th, 2014, 12:32 AM
Just something I wrote the other day. Please feel free to offer comments. Thanks.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The flames were eating the inside walls of the apartment, along with it contents. The furniture acted like kindling for the vicious fire. I was trapped amongst the gorgeous red and yellow waves. My hair began to singe at the ends, my watch band was searing my skin. My only way out was through the window across the room. It would be an eight story drop with a horrific end, but I had no other options. I sprinted full speed through those fingers from hell as they cooked my flesh. The window shattered easily. As I dove through, the glass shredded my crispy skin. The night air was immediate relief as I fell to the Earth. My thoughts wandered back to just a few minutes earlier, as I stood over the bed watching my wife burn as she slept. The fire had spread so quickly I didn't have time to get out safely. This one was only supposed to be a small fire, staged to look like an accident, just like all the others I'd set. It started as a boy, burn this or that and enjoy watching the fire work it's magic. My mother had caught me burning her good church shoes once and scolded me saying, "You can't un-burn things, Scott, once they're burned, they're gone for good." Now here I was, escaping the thing I loved the most. I rotated in mid air to admire my work, "So beautiful," I whispered as I hit the pavement with a thunderous thud. I heard my bones snap and skull crack open upon impact. People gather around horrified at what they'd just seen and desperate to extinguish the flames. I laid smiling as the life crept out of my body. In the distance I saw a young boy admiring the flames, a smile across his face.

The End

Plasticweld
November 19th, 2014, 01:31 AM
Hmmmm Twisted in both the telling and the direction. The end, which I thought was pretty good is very fitting..Bob

Victor Anderson
November 25th, 2014, 09:50 AM
I do not know why, buy I really enjoyed this. I mean, I have no critiques... just the general joy of reading something pleasant.

cc1738
January 6th, 2015, 07:33 PM
Interesting. For being so short I really liked it. I wish it was longer.

drumzii
January 8th, 2015, 07:55 PM
You have a very similar style of writing to myself. Very original concept alongside descriptive and imaginative writing. Truly twisted, yet poetic. Keep up the good work! Will be following your work closely, if you bring more to the table.

Burroughs
January 11th, 2015, 07:22 PM
I really enjoyed this. I would have happily read for longer. The shortness does give it more of an impact though!

aureliochavez
January 13th, 2015, 03:41 AM
Wow. What a beautiful description of an ugly horrific scene. I guess that's the art of writing. Well done.

Auddie
January 13th, 2015, 06:38 AM
I loved it

HMCBHT
January 14th, 2015, 02:14 AM
I really enjoyed this. If it was longer, I definitely would have kept reading.

Merchen
March 7th, 2015, 02:26 AM
I was going to say something about flash fiction and then I realized that would be horrible usage of words. The impact of the story stays with you after you read it. I love stories where I start out sympathetic with the main character and then some how wind up please at their downfall. Twist endings done right. The bit about his mother was very good too. it might just be the way I read it, but to me She kind of had a different voice.

Ideduce
March 9th, 2015, 09:58 AM
I really like the visuals you give with how you write. There's just one line that gets me. Though it's just my opinion.
staged to look like an accident....
Pyromaniac, but why this. Why an accident? Trying to get money from insurance? It was the only reason I could give. Maybe to watch a building burn without someone pointing blame and he's paranoid? That sentence makes me almost miss your lovely ending. Though after reading your lovely ending I go back to that sentience and can't make sense of it.

TDKoon
March 13th, 2015, 05:35 PM
Very good flash fiction! The scene is well described and believable and I enjoyed the portrayal of your character. One thing about the description is the lack of smell mentioned which is often overlooked in writing as it can be difficult to describe, but this sense is perhaps the most important as it's the most interwoven with the rest of our brain! Next, try to break this up into a few paragraphs. Even in flash fiction using paragraphs is essential when appropriate and here they could definitely improve the flow of your story and the readability. The last and one of the most common mistakes I see in even established writers is that it looks like you slip between past and present tenses unintentionally. For example in two consecutive sentences you use "I heard" and "people gather". To stay in past tense it should be people gathered. Anyway, I really liked this story and enjoyed reading it immensely. I'd love to hear some of this character's previous exploits or see how you tackle character with more devious intents from the beginning!

Paladin
April 27th, 2015, 06:28 PM
Wow, very interesting. I liked it. Makes me think of the perverse nature of sin, and how it passes itself on from generation to generation. He was being killed by the sin that he had cloaked himself in.

LizzAquarian
June 11th, 2015, 03:21 PM
As I was reading, I felt as though this would be a solid fit for a comic panel, perhaps even accompanied by dark graphic novel illustrations. It tells a whole story in hints and allows the reader to fill in the blanks. Again, another good comic-type prose. I would actually find it more effective if you simplified it. For example, "The furniture was the kindling." rather than "The furniture acted like kindling for the vicious fire." It's clear that stuff ain't flame retardant. Also a sprint is defined as being "at full speed" so you can remove "full speed" from that from the sentence as it already entails this person is booking it. I would have also drawn comparison to the room being a kiln, a common potters tool for firing clay and the like. These are just my first impressions. All around, I liked it!

passtheremote
June 12th, 2015, 09:54 PM
fun wee story, love the ending, almost makes a ready to write sequel.

Keep up the good work

Snookie
July 6th, 2015, 09:48 PM
Super writing. Keep it up. I would live to read a short story or novel by you. I love your imagination. 5 stars all the way.

Entity
July 18th, 2015, 06:52 AM
Great writing! I loved the story especially the ending, only wish it was longer!

John T. K.
July 19th, 2015, 05:29 PM
Great description and narrative. All in a few sentences. Nice.

crimewriter95
November 16th, 2015, 08:40 PM
Very dark and very visceral. I must say for a short story this really had an impact and I'm quite impressed. The thought of some of the imagery you described is quite disturbing. I also like how I can infer to the protagonist's background just through some of the things he says.

Blade
November 16th, 2015, 09:10 PM
I found this a short but gripping read.

Only one little nit.


I sprinted full speed through those fingers from hell as they cooked my flesh.

I think this is going a little far actually. If the fire is in the bedroom and spreading outward it would take a while (probably a fatal while) to get to the cooking state. Hair singed at the ends and cooking are a ways apart.#-o

Enjoyed :flower:

ijswan
November 18th, 2015, 02:27 AM
I enjoyed this, it was simple and quick, yet very clever.

Mariana
November 21st, 2015, 02:34 PM
It’s amazing how you managed to create such an incredible twist and give us so much insight into the character and his background and make such a gripping, dramatic tale with a proper beginning, middle and end – all in one little paragraph.

FunkyNed
April 10th, 2016, 03:44 AM
Great flash fiction. I love the little boy at the end, and I'd like to hear the story of his future pyromaniac adventures.

lvcabbie
April 10th, 2016, 11:54 PM
An excellent start with some strong imagery. But, needs a bit for formatting to make it even stronger.


The flames were eating the inside walls of the apartment, along with it contents. The furniture acted like kindling for the vicious fire. I was trapped amongst the gorgeous red and yellow waves. My hair began to singe at the ends, my watch band was searing my skin.

My only way out was through the window across the room. It would be an eight story drop with a horrific end, but I had no other options. I sprinted full speed through those fingers from hell as they cooked my flesh. The window shattered easily. As I dove through, (reverse) the glass shredded my crispy skin.

The night air was immediate relief as I fell to the Earth. My thoughts wandered back to just a few minutes earlier, as I stood over the bed watching my wife burn as she slept. The fire had spread so quickly I didn't have time to get out safely.

This one was only supposed to be a small fire, staged to look like an accident, just like all the others I'd set. It started as a boy, burn this or that and enjoy watching the fire work it's magic. My mother had caught me burning her good church shoes once and scolded me saying, "You can't un-burn things, Scott, once they're burned, they're gone for good."

Now here I was, escaping the thing I loved the most. I rotated in mid air to admire my work, "So beautiful," I whispered as I hit the pavement with a thunderous thud. I heard my bones snap and skull crack open upon impact.

People gather around horrified at what they'd just seen and desperate to extinguish the flames. I laid smiling as the life crept out of my body. In the distance I saw a young boy admiring the flames, a smile across his face.

My suggestion just for something to think about:

Flames ate the walls and contents of the apartment. The furniture kindled the vicious fire. The gorgeous red and yellow waves trapped me. My hair singed at the ends, my watch band searing my skin.

See what I mean? :distrust:

DBX
April 26th, 2016, 12:33 AM
This was hot.

Ælfwine Thond
May 7th, 2016, 11:53 PM
Wow this is good. I mean, it's so short, but oh so powerful, and it has such an eerie vibe to it I can't help but smile like a maniac when reading it. Great job.

Cheers, Ælfwine

afk4life
May 10th, 2016, 07:27 PM
I really like what you wrote here. One suggestion I might make, is to go to first-person present-tense. Especially for this sort of story, that would be I think very powerful.

I would also maybe suggest a re-structure somewhat to make it clear earlier that this was an oops, which is for arsonists a bigger deal than most oopses, because I got a little confused there.

One other suggestion is smell. Especially for anything involving fire, smell is really strong. Anyone who has ever had their house catch on fire it brings back really intense emotions.

I really like your ending sentence, maybe even make it a bit more descriptive.

There's one tiny issue is you've got an "it's" where it should be an "its" btw.
-doug