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Plasticweld
November 11th, 2014, 02:49 AM
My Best Friend
by Bob Brown


The knocking at the door is loud, not a request but a demand. I am up on my feet, not as quick as I used to be, like when I was young. I can’t believe I didn’t’ hear the approaching footsteps. The old guy counts on me and I let him down.

“Luke…its ok…I know who it is.” He says it in calm voice. I am still agitated he sees this and he says it again.

“It’s ok Luke.”

We have been friends for a long time, he is my best friend because I am his. Pals, that’s what I like to call us. We hang out together, go places together. He takes care of me, I take care of him.

I am the first to the door, anything goes wrong they gotta go through me first before they get to him. I am a loyal friend like that.

He pushes himself out his chair and groans a little. His knees are sore, just like mine. Clearing his throat he makes his way towards the door. I stand my ground, I am between him in the door. He has resigned himself to this, and has to reach over me to open the door.

Two guys stand there, one of them is really afraid. He stands back. I have always liked it when I made people afraid, it never gets old. The guy in front doesn’t even pay attention to me, he sticks his hand out to shake with my pal, I know all about shaking hands. They talk awhile, I have no idea what they are saying, don’t even really care. My old friend is always polite, yet I can tell when he has heard enough; he is letting the two guys know it by slowly closing the door as he speaks. They get the hint and turn to leave.

“I guess they feel like they got to tell me all that stuff, Luke.” He says, leaning against the door as it shuts.

“It’s just you and me Buddy.” He puts his hand down and strokes the top of my head, and tells me I am a good boy.

I am his best friend and he is mine.

LeeC
November 11th, 2014, 03:05 AM
Yes, evocative, more so being personally poignant, respectively done.

Thank you,
LeeC

Plasticweld
November 11th, 2014, 03:10 AM
Thanks Lee :}

pointystar
November 11th, 2014, 03:56 AM
Okay, I'm a little confused by the tone of the passage. You use a lot of short, direct sentences but you don't contract your words. "We have been friends for a long time...", just doesn't sound right with the overall tone. Same with "I am the first to the door...". You have this really upright, official tone and then you say "gotta get through me". Just something to look out for.

Other than that, I like the story, especially the details and imagery. Groaning, sore knees, really paints the picture for me.

Plasticweld
November 11th, 2014, 04:00 AM
Might just be my old age, I really do think in that tone so wrote it that way, maybe a generational thing, thanks for reading and commenting...Bob

ChrisChandler00
November 11th, 2014, 11:00 AM
Concerning what pointystar said, I quite liked that you hadn't contracted your words. It adds a level of child-like seriousness to the character, which works quite well. Using 'gotta' right in the middle seems to work towards it too!

There were a few errors but other than that, really good piece!

Firemajic
November 11th, 2014, 11:44 AM
You captured the very essence of how I imagine a loyal canine would think and feel. I loved the quiet dignity and assurance that came through in the dog's actions and voice, kinda made me sad, elderly gentleman and faithful dog growin old together --devoted to each other. The lines that I loved the best--when the elderly gentleman opened the door and the dog was there, ready to protect [if needed]. For me, the voice you gave the dog was perfect [childlike, but intelligent].It is clear that they know each other very well, and that speaks of long years of mutual companionship...Thank you for sharing. Peace...Jul

mrmustard615
November 11th, 2014, 02:30 PM
A very sweet story, Bob. Being a dog lover myself, I can relate to the bond between human and dog. Very poignant.

jenthepen
November 11th, 2014, 05:26 PM
I think you got this just right. It's a small incident, in few words, and yet you have painted a vivid picture of the relationship between man and dog, their attitude towards each other and their physical living conditions. That's quite an achievement in such a short passage. This is a good piece of writing but, more than that, it's endearing and amusing. Thanks for an enjoyable read.

jen.

Clinking Thearly
November 22nd, 2014, 11:37 PM
At first I thought this Luke was a very simple guy but after the last two lines, I understood what it was about. A good piece that made me remember my dogs and how I miss them.

GeekWriter
November 23rd, 2014, 10:06 PM
Yeah I liked the imagery as well, didn't expect it to be about a dog at first.

M.Shan
February 4th, 2015, 03:22 PM
I didn't get that it was a dog until the end, and then it made a lot more sense! It was sweet, and I always like reading things from an animals points of view!

Sleepwriter
February 5th, 2015, 01:47 AM
I really like it. Took me a few lines to confirm it was a dog. I pictured a Golden Retriever for some reason.

tlchap
February 9th, 2015, 04:26 AM
I realized it was a dog as soon as the dog from the movie up popped in my mind. Great insight into mans best friend.

escorial
February 9th, 2015, 12:03 PM
confused at first..then read it again but still not with it..then i read the replies and then it fell into place...like the way the you make the dog reason things out.

Plasticweld
February 9th, 2015, 12:19 PM
confused at first..then read it again but still not with it..then i read the replies and then it fell into place...like the way the you make the dog reason things out.


You should know me by now, to know I won't come out and hit you over head with any information, I'll tease with an opening and the first paragraph only fits when you read the last. Thanks for reading ...Bob

xanaphia
February 10th, 2015, 04:55 AM
What I liked: You were quite effective in getting inside a dog's head. You carefully considered his perceptive, and captured his essence.

What needs work: Your story is quite repetitive. For something this sotry, the more varied your language is the more effective each word will be. I do understand your attempt to capture a canine's limited vocabulary, but your readers are expected to suspend their disbelief. If they can believe they are in a dog's head, you are certainly allow creative license in word choice.

Donald
June 18th, 2015, 03:44 PM
Wow, the final twist really surprised me.

One could (and xanaphia, for instance, has) complain about the style but to me it was very suitable.

Since the narrator is a dog, I feel that this repetitiveness is even necessary to a certain point. It reflects a dog's nature quite will, I'd say.

Thanks for the great read.

Greetings,
Donald

McJibbles
July 8th, 2015, 05:44 AM
That was like watching the worlds shortest feel-good movie. I got to skip the depressing parts too. In 390 words you connected me to each character, and you managed to pop in a crisp (though kinda unoriginal) short story surprise ending that I liked. It was awesome.

John Oberon
July 8th, 2015, 02:06 PM
I liked it. Just needs some sharpening. Suggestions in red:

The knock at the door is loud - not a request, but a demand. I am on my feet, but not as quick as when I was young. I can’t believe I didn’t hear the approaching footsteps. The old guy counts on me, and I let him down.

“Luke…it’s ok…I know who it is.” He says it in a calm voice. He sees I am still agitated, and says it again.

“It’s ok, Luke.”

We’ve been friends for a long time. He is my best friend because I am his. Pals…that’s what I like to call us. We hang out together, go places together. He takes care of me, and I take care of him.

I am first to the door. Anything goes wrong, they gotta go through me before they get to him. I am loyal like that.

He groans himself out of his chair. His knees are sore, just like mine. Clearing his throat, he makes his way to the door. I stand my ground. I am between him and the door, and he reaches over me to open it.

Two guys stand there, one of them really afraid. He stands back. I always like it when I scare people; it never gets old. The guy in front doesn’t even pay attention to me. He sticks his hand out to shake with my pal. I know all about shaking hands. They talk awhile. I have no idea what they are saying, and don’t even really care. My old friend is always polite, yet I can tell when he has heard enough. He lets the two guys know it by slowly closing the door as he speaks. They get the hint and turn to leave.

“I guess they feel like they got to tell me all that stuff, Luke,” he says, leaning against the door as it shuts.

“It’s just you and me Buddy.” He strokes the top of my head, and tells me I am a good boy.

I am his best friend, and he is mine.

McCacks
July 8th, 2015, 06:18 PM
It took me a second read to fully understand but now that I do understand it, I find it poetic even. Brilliant piece. Keep it up