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View Full Version : The Tri-Touronin - (Deleted scene, 390 words)



Mythel
November 6th, 2014, 05:20 AM
You don't understand. In that moment of clarity I saw what I had almost done, what I was becoming. And it sickened me to know that I had tried to perversely destroy your virtue; that I had lusted to drink of your blood while I drank of your pleasures. It destroyed every pride I'd ever had in my own strength and self-control. I was both humbled and made to fear myself, the monster that I am. You have always been understanding and forgiving, and I rather feel as though you would have forgiven me - if not trusted me - after the drug wore off. If you'd survived me. My daughter...would she ever forgive me if I had hurt you? Could I ever forgive me?

I believe I could not. Murdering you in such a manner would have killed my humanity and ripped my soul to shreds. Even if I had managed to pull myself under control again, I would never be able to face the world again, for I would have lowered myself to the standards of beasts, who live only to consume and repopulate, over and over through their limited lives. Mankind is made for so much more - you were made for so much more. I knew before this that you were special, at least in my eyes, and I had decided not long ago that you were under my protection. If anybody touched you, I would do the same to them.

But now the antagonist I'd sworn to destroy is me.

I have strength for this one last thing. I can feel my humanity, my self-control, all of it ebbing away. Soon, not even the reminder of my precious little daughter will be able to harness the beast inside. It will burst forth, rampant. I will do despicable things. I will dishonor my name and my blood. And, if I am lucky, I will live a long time afterwards to repent in dust and ashes of what I will have done in a heated, bestial passion.

However, I can end this horrible future before it begins. If I act now.

You will have to forgive me this; I know you will not understand. But one day, you may. And I petition you this: Get out of here. Keep Allie safe. And live.

Grieve me not. Just live.

Live.

_____________________________________

This is from one of my bigger fantasy stories, and is from the POV of a man who can change into a dragon. After he and his not-quite-girlfriend get caught by one of the two villains, he is given a drug that causes his inhibitions - essentially his humanity - to vanish. Without his humanity to hold him back, then he will do what animals do: procreate and devour. She knocks away his advances, so he tries to eat her instead. Before he can kill her, however, she calls him back to his senses temporarily by invoking his daughter. He realizes the situation that the villain has put them in. In order for one to live, the other must die. And he decides that he must be the one to die.

This was actually a piece that I had to eliminate from the original storyline because it won't fit in - it's too wordy and it's from the wrong character's POV. But I thought it would be interesting to peek inside his mind and see what his final dying thoughts were before I killed him off. I also thought that because it was short it would make a nice debut piece for the writing forums. ^^

~Myst

Higurro
November 6th, 2014, 06:02 PM
Hi Mythel, welcome to WF! I'm not sure how harsh you're wanting the feedback to be on this as you've already acknowledged that it's a deleted section. Although I haven't read anything else you've written, my feeling is that you were right to cut it. Right off the bat, to me it sounds like the script for a bad video game cut-scene, in all its lumpy, cliché and stilted glory.

The second problem is that the whole "rip my soul to shreds", "for one to live, the other must die" stuff is well-worn and might come across as a turn-off to some folks. If it's going to have any effect, I think it needs to be relating to a character that we really care for already.

Thirdly, I thought that narrating the scene in this weirdly emotionless, distant yet self-reflective voice effectively cut me off from feeling any impact. For an experiment, just imagine the exact same piece but written from a third person point of view - it would sound almost like an encyclopaedia entry of what your character is feeling, rather than a line straight into their brain.

There were a few fragmented sentences, but maybe that was a stylistic choice. I'm not too keen on them, but that's just me.

Hopefully I've not dumped too much grief on this bit all in one go (and as I mentioned, you've deleted it yourself, so it's not like you need to be told it doesn't work). Now if you could just give us Allie's story, this could be going places.

John Galt
November 6th, 2014, 06:49 PM
Welcome to the forum!
I agree with Higurro. You were right to cut the scene. It feels really melodramatic and pretty plastic. I think, if you were to have him die in the scene, you could just add a line of dialogue as he passes. Something like "Live, Allie. Live." instead of his rambling. As you mentioned it's a cut scene and I see why you cut it. It probably didn't match the feeling of the rest of the work; if it did, the project would feel like eating rich chocolate cake or a mountain of mousse.
Cutting your own scenes shows growth as a writer.

Good luck and happy writing!

Xan
November 6th, 2014, 08:12 PM
The fragmented sentences didn't bother me, but I've been told I use too many of them myself, so... take that with a grain of salt.

I read this as though it was written down for the woman to read later, though it sounds like it was intended to be his thought process. In either case, I agree that cutting it was a good call.

A general question for you, which you should not answer: what kind of trap are they in that he can't just transform into a dragon and smash the bad guys to bits? Even if he would die in the process, is there a reason for him to commit suicide instead of trying to take a few of his captors with him into death? Obviously I know literally nothing of your story, the world, the guys who captured this couple, or the dragon-man's personality. But if he has nothing to lose, why wouldn't he at least try to dragon-smash his way out?

You shouldn't answer that question; it is obviously outside the scope of the piece you posted. Just so long as there is an answer. ;)

John Galt
November 6th, 2014, 08:46 PM
Adding to Xan's point: Why is it limited to only dragons? Surely dragons are not of weaker mental faculty (Though, if they were, that'd be a pretty fun kid's novel) than, say, a rabbit? What stops him from jumping into the dragon permanently and where else is the drug found? (An ingredient for LSD is found in, correct me if I'm wrong, some sort of stale rye bread). Things to consider, no need to answer.
Also, on the fragmentation: I don't like using it, personally, as it doesn't fit my style (though I use it for my villain in my current WIP); it can be used, regardless of style, to great effect when following character who has some form of mental issue(s) or is - for lack of a better phrase - disturbed.

Optiluiz
December 3rd, 2014, 07:10 AM
I think it was an interesting scene, and it had all the right ideas to be a memorable part of your larger story (and kudos on making Dragons act like animals, not well-mannered englishmen :P).

However, as John Galt said above, it does feel very melodramatic, and I think it explains more than it shows. I can't accurately comment on it, however, without having read any other parts of the main story, so I guess you shouldn't take this criticism too seriously ^^