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HumanYoYo
November 5th, 2014, 09:21 AM
Trying something new. Let me know how it sounds. Does the prose flow well? Because I know my writing can be pretty clunky.
I'll post the rest of the story when I'm finished it. And I am determined to finish it. :)


One Friday Eric and Rick decided to ditch school and drive the truck north. They took the ferry to Powell River and headed inland up the Eldred River Valley on dirt logging roads until they made it past Mount Wilfred, where they followed the Gervase Inlet down to an old family cabin belonging to a friend of Eric’s at the junction to Prince Ludwig Inlet, in a semicircle of snow-capped Rockies, Douglas firs, and sun beams.
They unpacked the truck and Rick put on coffee. They drank and ate beans, toast, and kippered kipper out on the porch.
“I remember there being a trapper’s cabin on the trail up to Sun Mountain,” Eric said. “If you want to stop there on our way up tomorrow.”
“Sure,” Rick said. “Now I really feel like a Canadian.”
“Big leagues,” said Eric. “Let’s go out on the lake soon.”
“You want to fish?”
“Fly fish, yes,” said Eric.
“I’d like to catch some salmon,” said Rick. “Or trout.”
“There might be steelhead here.”
“Maybe up by the stream.”
Eric, being older, called dibs on the bed, which wasn't much of a bed anyway, Rick thought, and soon they were fly fishing on the boat past the rapids by the Hermosa Club at the mouth of the inlet, which was now being used as some sort of a non-denominational Christian youth camp. Trout surfaced and jumped out of the water. Mist gathered among the mountains.
There was a group of kids over at the camp building little lean-to-shelters and practising kindle strategies, log-cabin, teepee, and the hybrid temple, and crafting aboriginal medicine bags in which they stored cool-looking pebbles they found. Eric looked on with an expression Rick could not understand, or maybe didn't want to.
They were brothers. Eric was in his graduation year and was set to get away, and Rick had two years left. Rick saw oldness in Eric. He already had a beard, stress wrinkles across his forehead, and of what Rick could sense, a kind of tiredness about him.
A trout took to Eric’s line. Mechanically he fought it into the boat, smashed its head, and gutted it. In that moment Rick thought his brother looked even older than usual.
Back in the cabin they said very little. Eric cooked up the fish and they drank beers from a pack in the cooler. There was a picture of a saint near the door and a small wood burning stove which Rick tended to. There was a small sink with good running water and a closet filled with Cowichan sweaters knitted by an old native woman.
They became tired as the day faded and were soon asleep, Eric on the bed and Rick on the couch.

oeni1001
November 10th, 2014, 10:58 PM
This should be split up a bit, it kind of runs on: They took the ferry to Powell River and headed inland up the Eldred River Valley on dirt logging roads until they made it past Mount Wilfred, where they followed the Gervase Inlet down to an old family cabin belonging to a friend of Eric’s at the junction to Prince Ludwig Inlet, in a semicircle of snow-capped Rockies, Douglas firs, and sun beams.

I really liked the dialogue. I'm from up North in the States. This exchange 1) was really realistic 2) placed me immediately in the setting of your story and 3) felt natural.

I wonder if you can show instead of tell this part: They were brothers. Eric was in his graduation year and was set to get away, and Rick had two years left. For example, maybe you could have a dialogue about Eric asking who Rick had for teachers and how to get by in his classes. Just a suggestion of mine, of course.

What you wrote so far was really good and really captured that Northerner feel. I'm interested in what the rest of the story is about? The brother's relationship? That church camp?

Best of luck, man.

HumanYoYo
November 11th, 2014, 09:18 AM
Thanks for the feedback and for the compliments on the dialogue!

I've been milling around trying to figure out the direction of the story. It's definitely about their relationship, and of finding one's own way in life after school.

thebookdesigncompany
January 24th, 2015, 12:34 AM
I like it, although sometimes I find lists of place names alienating because they don't tell me anything (unless I know exactly where they are). I think describing the scenery would be more effective.

JustRob
January 28th, 2015, 01:11 AM
I like it, although sometimes I find lists of place names alienating because they don't tell me anything (unless I know exactly where they are). I think describing the scenery would be more effective.

Have you been to Canada? I'm from the UK too and haven't, but a Canadian once told me that the scenery all looks the same. His actual words were, "It's all trees and there are only four kinds." I do agree that that bit looks like it's been written by looking at a map rather than going there though. That's the real challenge then, to make the scenery sound interesting. Thank heavens I live in England. Some confused American visitors trying to navigate their way around our tightly packed island once complained to us, "By the time you've worked out where you are you're somewhere else." I wonder whether they were writers to come up with something that witty.

On the subject of sentence length, I do write very long ones myself, which is okay provided that you're prepared for the reader to glaze over until they're attention is roused by a really short sentence soon after. In this case I think the long winding sentence reflects the long winding route that it describes, so it's fine by me -- and the lack of any description of the scenery suggests that there wasn't any, just all those similar looking trees.

Rob

escorial
January 28th, 2015, 10:24 PM
read like a piece that wanted to be much longer but maybe if you did that it might open up more..liked

rhiannon
January 30th, 2015, 12:31 AM
They took the ferry to Powell River and headed inland up the Eldred River Valley on dirt logging roads until they made it past Mount Wilfred, where they followed the Gervase Inlet down to an old family cabin belonging to a friend of Eric’s at the junction to Prince Ludwig Inlet, in a semicircle of snow-capped Rockies, Douglas firs, and sun beams.

This was a bit too much for one sentence in my opinion.


Eric, being older, called dibs on the bed, which wasn't much of a bed anyway, Rick thought, and soon they were fly fishing on the boat past the rapids by the Hermosa Club at the mouth of the inlet, which was now being used as some sort of a non-denominational Christian youth camp.

This one as well.

As far as the story goes however, I enjoyed reading it, and it had a very cozy feel to it. Thank you for sharing!

Carousel
February 3rd, 2015, 06:25 PM
Thanks for the feedback and for the compliments on the dialogue!

I've been milling around trying to figure out the direction of the story. It's definitely about their relationship, and of finding one's own way in life after school.

I think you have answered the problem you have yourself i.e. at the moment you don’t have an unfolding story to tell. The contrast between the brothers can be interesting but I don’t think strong enough to hold the readers attention; you need to drop them into a plot.

There’s so much advice on offer on how to write, pages and pages of it. If I'm asked for advice it’s fairly simple; write in a way that encourages the reader to turn the page, if you can do that you’re almost there.

Regards Cari.