PDA

View Full Version : Sorry..No Middle Fingers (744)



Laughing Duck 137z
November 3rd, 2014, 05:14 AM
This is a part of a larger scene (and story), where I did some editing to trim it down and make it a bit more consistent. I can't wait to read comments/suggestions/tips.

The recruit Chase and friend Dana sat outside on a beaten picnic table.He studied a book of military hand signals, Sorry no middle fingers. It featured everything from team leaders hold sign to the amount of artillery the enemy carried. No subject was untouched. He handed the book to Dana.
“Sorry, but no middle fingers here,” he smiled.
She turned to a page where a man had a fist in the air and turned his arm in circular motion.
“What’s that?” he asked as she performed the motion.
“It means rally up,” she handed back the book. “That’s pretty basic. Who is you study buddy?”
“Sam,” his face turned red. “Instead of studying she and I were-“
“Making out,” they both said.
“Study with someone of the same-sex,” she said. “You’ll thank me in the long run.”
“Cameron is a pot head.”
“Malone,” she said.
“He hates my guts.”
“If you do good work with him you’ll gain his respect,” she smiled. It wasn’t a: I’m smiling cause I’m trying to be nice. She was actually digging him or was she thinking something…evil.
“What have you got?”
“Well I have…” he turned his entire body to her opposite side. Her eyes lit up knowing that was her opportunity to strike and she didn’t hesitate.
Quickly she reached to the back of her pants and removed a small pistol from a concealable holster.
He grabbed a few books but before he could completely turn around she jammed her .32 caliber piece into his man region.
A high-pitched noise came from his mouth as he dropped his books.
“Don’t move,” she ordered, “It has a hair-trigger so it’s very sensitive.”
“Wh, Wh- Why are-” she jammed it a bit deeper, to the point his back shifted strait.
“I can’t hear you if you don’t speak up.”
“Dana, please-” he plead.
“Before you finish I want to tell you that I’m in control. Am I in control?”
“Yes, you are,” he barely kept his pleas silent.
“Now I’ve got the bull by the horns,” she smiled, “or maybe by the balls.” She twisted the weapon.
He slowly inched away from her. “Leaving so soon?” She closed the gap between them. “I wouldn’t,” he heard the click of the safety being turned off and stopped moving.
“Why?”
“Because I have a gun to your balls,” she adjusted its position which made him cringe.
“Why are you doing this?”
“Maybe I’m getting back at you.”
“What have I done to you?”

Meanwhile upstairs Lisa took a little study break. She stepped away from her desk and stretched her arms to the ceiling. Once her fingertips reached their limit, she had a quick glimpse of the two sitting side by side.
She removed her glasses and cleaned them off. She was seeing right, Dana’s hand was below his belt.

“You’re right,” Dana said. “That whole revenge angle was a bit nuts,” she twisted the weapon slightly to make him cringe. “But I do love it when the ball is in my court.”
“Is your court made of concrete or wood?”
She jammed it a little harder, “Finally starting to lighten up are we?”

Lisa was squinting to see what she was doing to Chase. Whatever the two were doing she wanted a second pair of eyes to verify. That was when she heard footsteps stroll past her open doorway.
“Wait,” she let out. The footsteps approached her room again.
“Hey,” the red-haired Alison said as she crept into the room.
“Take a look at this,” Lisa turned back to the window.
“What is it?” her voice was disconnected from Lisa.
“Just take a look out the window red,” Lisa exhaled as Alison looked out the double paned glass.
“Whoa,” her face blushed red as her hair.
“Good stuff huh?”
“Is she playing with his-“

“Can we get past the scariest moment of my life,” Chase said. “And tell me what this is all about.”
“Fine,” she clenched her teeth and began to speak. “I’ll play ball,” another awkward twist. “This isn’t about me, this is about Sam.”
“But Sam’s fine.”
“And I’d like to keep it that way,” she said. “If you break her heart or hurt her in any way I’ll be eating beats and a carrot in my soup. You got me?”
“I understand.”
She rapidly removed the weapon, “Good.”
He exhaled as a huge weight came off his -er- shoulders. She holstered her firearm and walked inside.

Plasticweld
November 5th, 2014, 02:55 AM
In all honesty this is in the middle of something and I am sort of lost trying to figure out what is going on. I would add more in the beginning so the reader had a better idea of what was going on. Not that I am the one to ask, but I did not see any SPAG. that caught my eye. The dialog seems well written and shows a sense of what is going on, but not enough for me to follow...Sorry I was not more help...Bob

thepancreas11
November 6th, 2014, 11:58 AM
Great imagery. Building something like this gets very complicated. Usually a joke like this gets corny too. You did a great job of both keeping the reactions grounded and the action moving at a slow and dignified pace for something like this. A little buildup, not a full out cascade of tropes one after another. I thought that simplicity, the subtle movements made all the difference there.

Not sure why she pulled a gun on him, though. Not enough motivation, in my eyes. I thought you could have clarified the reason for such a violent choice more. In general, set your scene a little better. Detail will help you there. It helps to build the characters more, and then, the fact that she pulled a gun won't seem so out of the blue, you know?

Read your dialogue aloud too. That will clear up some of the awkward rhythms.

Otherwise, not a bad story.

Laughing Duck 137z
November 7th, 2014, 04:43 PM
Thanks a bunch you guys. You don't know how much your response means to me.

oeni1001
November 10th, 2014, 10:45 PM
Wow I really like the dialogue. It's interesting, well-paced, and well-written. It would be nice if there was more description, just so the dialogue doesn't seems so heavy. Of course, the focus is on the dialogue. It would just be nice to have a little extra breathing room here and there between lines. Otherwise I really liked it! I would keep reading more. If I were you I would go over it and catch any grammatical errors. And, even though it's hard to judge style because this is just a snapshot of your story, I think since it's a humor piece it's okay that the violence is a bit exaggerated. Of course, in real life, she'd be crazy to point a pistol at him like that. But since this seems to be a light-hearted, humorous fiction, it didn't come off as weird at all to me.

Keep writing it!

EBKMSC
December 18th, 2014, 12:43 PM
instead of -er- use "..." at the end

“Take a look at this,” Lisa turned back to the window.
“What is it?” her voice was disconnected from Lisa.

What does the disconnected mean? of course its disconnected from lisa its not her voice.

just some thoughts. otherwise it was a good read

TKent
January 17th, 2015, 03:56 PM
I love the dialog here!