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Nash
October 31st, 2014, 05:47 PM
This is just a little something I wrote on an impulse, so it might not be really good. Anyways, enjoy! Constructive criticism much appreciated! :D


BREAD
By Nash


She sat with her chin resting on her knees. Her old, clearly worn clothes fluttered slightly in the cool breeze. On her face she wore an expression of discomfort, almost anguish. She was hungry, extremely hungry. Looking around her, all she saw was the bare sand on the empty beach catching the faint beams of light from a crescent moon. She was hungry. Although she had always said she did not need money, she did need food. And there was no one to ask for it.

A lark flew swiftly past her.

Another, and another.

What’s with these larks? she thought.

She stood up and turned to the direction the larks were flying and let out an exultant cry. An old man stood near the coconut tree about 20 feet from her, feeding bread crumbs to the larks with his frail, wrinkled hands. An untouched loaf of bread was tucked under his shoulder. She ran towards him.

The old man greeted her with a kindly smile.

“Do you need something, child?”

“Some food please, sir,” she mumbled.

The old man held out the loaf of bread. “Of course! You are welcome to it.”

She moved forward. The larks flew off as she stepped in amongst them. Putting her hands on the old man’s shoulders, she whispered into his ear, “Thank you so much.”

The loaf of bread dropped from the old man's hand as she sunk her fangs into his neck.

Nippon Devil
November 1st, 2014, 02:03 AM
Well, that escalated quickly.

Firstly, a newby mistake everyone makes on the forum is they tell the reader before hand that their story isn't any good. Don't do that. Why would anyone read something that even you aren't proud of? You can tell them you thought it was bad after the fact. Also, adding a word count to the title is always a good idea. There are various writing programs that can count words for you.

As for the work itself. I like the idea. It could be the beginning of a story that deals with vampires. I suppose that's also my biggest problem with it. It's got a nice sharp jab, but no substance. A well executed plot twist without character development or even a story. If it is the beginning of a story however, you get a tip from the proverbial hat.

It's kind of hard to give substantial advice on small works, but I think the word hungry is used too frequently. Consider changing one to a different word or revising. Also, "Clearly worn clothes" made me do a double take. worn can mean "the gears have worn with age" as well as "I wore a ring". Gotta love English huh? To avoid confusion, you could revise that to something like "tattered rags" or "torn garments", something that doesn't involve the word worn and clothing.

TKent
November 1st, 2014, 02:07 AM
Oh my. You had me going with this Nash! Man, here I was about to brush a tear from my eye... I really liked the feel of this piece.

I'm fairly new to writing myself, just a couple of comments:

I don't think the 'clearly' is needed here. In general, be aware of unnecessary intensifiers such as certainly, so, extremely, simply, like, really, very, etc. Doesn't mean you don't use them, just be sure when you use them you need them


Her old, clearly worn clothes

I personally think 'arm' would be better than shoulder. My brain tried to envision it under a shoulder and so distracted the flow for me.


An untouched loaf of bread was tucked under his shoulder.

Also, in the last part, I had envisioned up until that point a small girl for some crazy reason, so when she walks forward and places her hands on the old man's shoulders and bites him, I was trying to figure out why she was at his level. Was he leaning down, was he her height, etc. So adding a little something so that this is clear would have helped me.

Anyway, hope that helps in some way! Keep up the great work!

DanCaetta
November 1st, 2014, 02:20 AM
Nice. Very descriptive, good twist at the end, and a nice snippet into something that can build into a larger story. It's setting the scene, so for something wrote on impulse.... pretty good.

Even tho it's descriptive, I would say the emotion and the anguish of the girl could be portrayed better. The tone is a little cold.

If you bring this story further, do something with the larks. It seems like they're a focus, a shift in the story, so they could be used with a deeper meaning. I googled larks and they're traditionally used as a symbol for Daybreak... which, if the story is about vampires, could be used to some degree.

And saying your work isn't any good isn't just a newbie mistake ;) But definitely avoid it. Writing is writing. Don't think of it as good or bad immediately, it just is. You write it and it exists, and you or the reader can take something from it or not. :)

sloonzz
November 1st, 2014, 05:17 AM
I liked the twist as well as the way you describe the mood and setting. Although, like they said, it's hard to give good criticism on brief works, I could tell you have the basics right. I could add no more, I think. Just a few better word choices as they mentioned.

Clinking Thearly
November 23rd, 2014, 07:09 PM
I'm sick of reading about vampires, but didn't mind this as I wasn't aware that she is one until afterwards. Some nice description, mentioned above, although I thought the larks were a little pointless.

Apex
November 25th, 2014, 03:52 PM
Nash,
I see you are in India, and a student...a very good time to start writing.From your little piece, I can see you have talent…yet unborn, but it is there, and will grow. Your writing shows a love for writing which all good writer must have.If I may suggest…start writing little things about people around you. Real people. See if you can feel what they feel with words. Save these, for one day when you are ready to build a story, these little notes will be the building blocks of your characters.
Please, try writing this vampire story again…but not as a vampire. Have the girl alone on the beach. The birds are fighting over a scrap of food…the girl has none. A good story is always a question. Why? What if? Her first question may be: “ God feeds birds, why does he not feed humans?” This is what she is seeking an answer to.