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View Full Version : Ky˙ran - Beginning of a new idea!



HumanYoYo
October 25th, 2014, 09:07 AM
My first post in a while. Let me know what you think, constructive feedback appreciated! :pride:


The truss on which Ky˙ran lay woke alive in a sudden shaking of horse hoof and carriage. He put his arm up and held on to a support, blinked awake, yawned in a cotton-mouth growl, and scoffed at the sunlight coming now under the bridge. A sudden anarchy of sense, too much for his headache, Tuesday.

He bent his spine upward and slid off the shallow-diagonal truss, feet reaching and sinking slightly into the muddy embankment amongst the brambles, folded down to the water and took a drink, splashed himself. The line-up of horses finally crossed the bridge. He walked up the dirt connecting the embankment to the edge of the bridge and yawned again. Donestan was up on the first mare, the other four, no, five connected by a rope, taking flour from the grain mill to the manor. Donestan! He called but his voice was rough and did not carry over the stamping. Mumbled, going wrong direction anyway.

Looking up at the sun, he noticed it stationed in the wrong compass bearing of where it should have been this time of day, some time it couldn't be, and thought for a moment he had awoken in to some sort of mirror land, everything spun around a semicircle, the forest now where the manor was, the stream heading toward what would be an immense and all-great reflective plane somewhere far away in an alien land, with which it would eventually meet, millennium passed by (mere hours in the water’s mind), to flow back through in the opposite millennium, where it would pass the Other Him, standing by the bridge this Ky˙ran went to sleep under in the night. He stood, let his mind go, but if I was in this opposite land, across some great axis, would time not flow back as well? “Reverse” Donestan headed backwards with his mares, taking the flour from the manor to the mill, to be un-ground and reformed into wheat, where it would be gathered and taken back to the fields to be returned to the earth? No, still flour from mill to manor, from earth to grinder, from life to death. It was not the sun. The sun was right where it should have been. It was him, Ky˙ran, hung over.

popsprocket
October 27th, 2014, 11:01 AM
I had to adjust my brain slightly to get this to read properly. There's nothing wrong with the prose, per se, but I doubt I'd read a whole book written like this. The sentence structure is interesting in and of itself but comes off more pretentious than accomplished. If you were looking to make this the start of a work of any great length I'd have to admit you've already lost me. There's nothing in the way of a hook, just some random pseudo-philosophical ramblings of a man who might have been smoking something. The joke kind of works but it would work better if it were less verbose.

I do, however, take issue with the length of the first sentence in that last passage.

A couple of nits:

In the first sentence you have an extraneous 'alive'.

'Amongst' isn't a word in civilised dictionaries, 'among' is the word to go with.

MousePot
October 27th, 2014, 07:55 PM
Hi YoYo

It's certainly a very interesting piece, I've read through it a few times already, but I must confess I'm still not 100% sure what exactly is happening. I think this is a fairly complex idea you are putting forward, and with your somewhat unorthodox sentence structure it makes it even harder to follow I'm afraid.

I think you have a pretty fun idea here, the mirror image and the idea of reverse time was nice, but again, I felt so lost as to what who you were talking about, and what the subject matter was, that it all felt a bit of a blur. Also as pops mentioned, some of your sentences are reeeeeaaallyy too long ^^

You also say that this is the beginning of an idea, where are you thinking of taking this next?

I think the best direction for this piece would be to simplify the sentences and language, and possibly break up the philosophical idea a bit so it's a little more accessible.

But very thought provoking all in all, looking forward to seeing what you do next with it ^^

Elvenswordsman
October 27th, 2014, 08:35 PM
Way too much information without building the piece.

You need to get more in-depth with your content, especially the description.

Certainly has potentially, but expand. Let us know what's going on with scenario building, etc.

Thanks for sharing, welcome back!

Davekyn
October 27th, 2014, 10:53 PM
Hey Yo Dude - I'm reading ya and also cursed with the glare of that sun crossing my eyes. It's been a while since I've woken with a real hangover like the once you have describe.

I laugh to think that no one here has use the term "Info Dumping"

Perhaps because you have used Character dialogue and action, which I am yet to do.

You seem to do "really well", at what I am yet to grasp. I love the way you bring your characters to life!

I don't mean to assume anything of you, but I think I see a lot of me in you. At least in our own minds I like to think, we excel at seeing things. Peoples ability to take so much in seems, very limited at times. LOL, now I am just making excuses.

Seriously - I don't know all the terms. I am learning to listen and even later re-read and search the meanings and attempt to practice them.
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I see your Idea for the piece it is. I like that time period and or theme. It's one I would like to write myself.

Enough free flowing from myself:

Perhaps you have already heard, but I will share something that may help. I came across a new term called "Static description" Perhaps not relevant but then again maybe so. They say it's more a style more suited to people who lived in a time where pictures where rare. It's liken to painting stills with no action; however I don't think such a technique/conceptual term, was used as black and white as they suggest. None the less its a term, which whilst it means to me; "people today as less moved with simple things" - but more the meaning that still images carry no motion for those that read and want to be moved.

If moving is not a problem - then with so much going through are minds as we write, perhaps momentum is not the issue but the tossing and turning of our words a little too much effort for the reader to take the ride?"

In my minds eyes -> You move well - as I too with my excessive words ... but if others say too much info, then we need to make the ride smooth.

I'm kind of reaching here, because my mind races like your own. Another assumption I know. Don't ever feel your information is irrelevant, you knows it not.

I think this piece is a good case of too much "static description" mixed in with (IMO) great Character introduction. It just too much of both that does not roll of the tongue so easily and in some cases like my own descriptions - too much too soon.
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It's very hard for me to explain and now I have to run ... Looking into "cadence" I find attempting to make you words flow with the mood is a good way to fist learn how to remove and or ADD appropriate words. (it trains us to think more clearly as we write) I am a picture painter that lacks character motion (I give too much e-motion at times) - Thus, I get caught up in words that drag my sentences out. I am stuck in a rut, feeling the need to continually explain as I go that I forget just how effective that less can be more and now having read this piece and attempted to explain as I now see - just how tricky mixing static description with character development can be.

Cadence may sound irreverent - its just a technique that helps me see. Not just for making my sentences flow better (I have bad grammar and suffer with likewise things - but don't let others sway you with too much of that if your just learning to write) but also to check my word with the new elements I am just now learning.

Poetry is also a good practice to help me be more concise. (That I struggle with as you can plainly see - but I also don not like dry expositions that feel as if its given automatically - Intelligence without passion and wonder is rather boring to me)

Forgive my hangup on info-dumping ... Info is needed all the same - how we balance it seems to be key. I can see that now.
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Have to run - srry for so many words (I really don't know, just learning like everyone else) ... I actually like what you have written and will be sure to look out for more. I'd love to see more of this theme, but whatever works.

Later:
Dave ;)

popsprocket
October 28th, 2014, 12:02 AM
I laugh to think that no one here has use the term "Info Dumping"

That's because there is no info dumping going on here. It's all action and the character's inner dialogue. He wakes up, splashes some water on his face, then demonstrates just how hung over he is by assuming that the world has flipped rather than he simply woke up at an indecently late hour. I read it as a kind of humour. But there's certainly not enough information here for it to be considered an info dump.

Davekyn
October 28th, 2014, 01:08 AM
That's because there is no info dumping going on here. It's all action and the character's inner dialogue. He wakes up, splashes some water on his face, then demonstrates just how hung over he is by assuming that the world has flipped rather than he simply woke up at an indecently late hour. I read it as a kind of humour. But there's certainly not enough information here for it to be considered an info dump.

Unecssary:

I went on to say:


"Perhaps because you have used Character dialogue and action, which I am yet to do."

No further explanation needed.

I think a new skin could go both ways here.

Good day to you Sir.

popsprocket
October 28th, 2014, 01:20 AM
Unecssary:

I went on to say:


"Perhaps because you have used Character dialogue and action, which I am yet to do."

No further explanation needed.

I think a new skin could go both ways here.

Good day to you Sir.

I explained myself because you are clearly still fuzzy on the jargon that gets used.

First of all, what I said stands. No one mentioned info dumping because it doesn't apply here. It's not just some arbitrary bit of feedback that we leave on every story that gets posted.

Second of all, info dumping has vey little to do with character action and dialogue/inner monologue. In fact, a piece written with adequate character action and dialogue can still be an info dump, and, by the same token, a piece with zero character action or dialogue might not be an info dump. It all depends on the amount and type of information being relayed to the reader and the relevance to the current happenings in the story.

Davekyn
October 28th, 2014, 03:49 AM
Sorry I must of got confused with the your following statement after I asked specifically what info dumping was -> in another thread. Part of your response:

"I guess I would say it's telling the story, or at least, a discrete portion of it, using exposition without character action or dialogue."

...and yet here you are still dragging it on with information that to the contrary of your earlier statements.
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My apologies for the thread being high jacked Human Yo Yo.

So much conflicting information out there. Best of luck with your endeavors.

Adios. ;)

HumanYoYo
October 28th, 2014, 05:11 AM
Thank you everyone for the feedback!

Couple things:
Yes, I agree completely - the sentences are waaaaay too long. Sometimes I just like to type whatever comes to mind in a stream-of-consciousness kinda way. Usually that means the sentences come out with a million apostrophes, just stringing on phrase after phrase. It's actually more of an exercise for me to figure out what kind of character I am dealing with. And I'm not trying to use this as an excuse, but I wasn't exactly in my right mind when writing this... :shock:

The whole flipped world thing was a joke. He's just hung-over.

As for where this story is going. Well, it's actually an idea a friend and I came up with, about a carpenter (or farmer, haven't decided yet) who leaves his home and runs away after killing the lord of the manor (it takes place in a feudalistic society). I haven't figured out if it's going to be a realistic world, or a more fantasy world.