View Full Version : The Demon Sword Sorataki book 3 chapter 12: The black sheep (Words: 4094)

October 18th, 2014, 03:21 AM
Well this is a current part in a book I'm working on. It the first part of a flashback so even though it takes place some way into the story it has enough merit to stand alone at it is.I swear one of these days I will put something that is less than 500 words up but until then let me know what you think could be done better.


Chapter 12 the black sheep

Andrew woke up in his bed feeling as bothered as he went to sleep. The feeling was so fresh that he wondered if he had even slept at all. The near pitch black room told him otherwise as the passage of time had darkened the world around him.

Feeling about as dark inside as the night sky Andrew threw his sheet aside and stood up on his feet. The dark room made seeing pointless however Andrew knew the layout of his own room. Moving through it confidently he walked onwards following the wall to his left next to his bed with his hand and walking around a wardrobe that was parked right beside his sleeping quarters.

As he guides his hands along the wardrobe he sees a dim light coming from a square hole on the other corner of the room. A ladder popped its head from the hole making its way down to the light. He stopped in his tracks when he saw the light coming from the hole below, his eyebrows narrow in distaste. This was eight years before Andrew found himself in a cave with a litter of pups. Andrew looks half his age except the dark expression on his face did not fit a child his age.

Looking at the light coming from the hole he knew that his father was likely below him awake. He felt to get a drink of water but suddenly the bed looked far more attractive. No amount of necessities is worth having if it meant he had to look at his face to get them. Turning around to go back to bed Andrew crashed on top of his sheet in frustration before turning around to look up at his ceiling. Feeling even more ticked off that he changed his mind on going down he gripped his bed sheets in anger almost tearing them.

Never in his life has he felt this angry before and he did not know what to do. All he knew that he felt what he did was right and hiding from him would mean that he was somehow admitting that he was not. Eager to not lose his pride Andrew rose out from the bed and made his way down the ladder.

Of course I’m right, I did nothing wrong. Why should I be the one to feel guilty? That kid had it coming! He should not have talked so big if he did not have the skills to back it up. So I smacked him up a little, big deal. He’s just lucky that we were using practice swords. Lucky he found out how weak he was before he tried to pick on a demon. I did my job as an instructor and taught him a lesson. So why is he all wound up?

This was some of the things that were running through Andrew's mind as he reached the bottom of the ladder and into the living room. He lives alone with his father after just moving into their current house. It’s been a week since they got here and two years since he last saw his mother who they left in Aqua falls. Wanting to see his father more often Andrew chose to go with him not realising the significance of his choice. He was only six at the time. As the days turned to months his sorrow for his mother turned into anger that he harboured towards his father who even after choosing him over his mother he felt he hardly knew.

Seeing no sign of his father in the living room he began to pace himself towards the kitchen. His steps creaked on the wooden floor witch now felt far louder in a quiet room than he wished them to be. He wanted to be the shadow along the floor ahead of him, willing himself to become silent. As he reaches the kitchen he felt a misplaced feeling of accomplishment for getting there without running in to his father. Reaching the taps he took a cup and drank to his heart’s content before making his way back to his room. However his sense of accomplishment was quickly broken when he heard a door swing open in the Do-Jo room behind him followed by footsteps exiting the room.

A tense sigh left his mouth as he turned around to greet the person who came out of the room behind him. His father stood there looking at him, he like Andrew had dark skin, standing at six feet and having a wavy jet black beard he proceeded to walk into the hall and close the door behind him, his eyes giving away no hints to what he was thinking.

“You’re still awake?” he said, his voice carried a monotone calmness about it.
Andrew wanted to blank him and walk off into his room but did not have the guts to do it. Even though he never hit him as punishment he still feared him to some degree. Perhaps it was the unknown that scared him, knowing full well how capable he is and yet he does not show it.

“Just woke up to get a drink.” Andrew said.

“I see.” His father said.

Andrew began making his way out of the kitchen and into the living room. He thought he escaped further questioning until he heard his father’s voice call to him once again.

“Have you thought about what it was that you did wrong?”
Andrew slowed his walking down to a crawl.

“Not really.” Andrew said, turning back around to face him. He was tempted to lie to him but decided against it mostly because of his pride. He was expecting a comeback he readied himself to take it.

“I understand. Then perhaps we will have to think of something to help you.” his father said.

This response from a farther he did not understand only made him angrier. How does he understand his troubles?

“In the meantime: Darrel from across the road is coming to visit us tomorrow, give us a few tips on how to better become a teacher. He’s coming along with both his wife and child so try and keep out of trouble when they arrive. Are we clear?”

“Are we ever going back to see mum?” Andrew said.

His father fell silent. Looking at his unreadable face Andrew retreated back to his room. Feeling more pent up than he did before he went to the kitchen he slouched on his bed upset. What kind of father does not discipline there child when they did something wrong?

It’s not that he wanted to be beaten or anything but with the way he keeps from revealing what’s on his mind made him feel left out and it was eating away at him. He never use to speak much but at least then he did farther like things with him.
Back then, when he use to go away for days on missions when they lived with mum Andrew use to count the days he was gone and enjoy the short time spent with him. But now he hardly cares. He could not prove it but he knew that he was putting up a wall between him.

Left in the dark on what’s going on most times to go and do jobs Andrew grew apart from his farther, if he was able enough he would up and leave, leave this very second and go and find his real home back with his mother. But alas his age gave him limitations.
His swelling anger circles within him only finding escaping through sleep.


The next morning sunlight welcomed Andrew’s almost empty room. With the odd crack on its wooden floor and the calls of his father coming from the living room below Andrew began to shift as he slowly awoken. Although it was his father's voice that lulled him out of his sleep he found it far less annoying than he thought he would. It was thanks to the good night sleep healing yesterday’s wounds that this was the case.

He got out of bed and opened his neighbouring wardrobe grabbing his training gear from the small cluster hill that was his clothes. Throwing the kit on Andrew makes his way down the ladder and into the livening room. On the long dining table that held five chairs along both its sides and ones at the top and bottom. The large table and many chairs echoed the irony of their current affairs.

To his slight surprise he noticed three new faces sitting along the table together with his father who was sitting at the very end like he always does. The stranger in question was a woman with long black hair tied up to a bun at the back, a man with a stubble and soft but piercing blue eyes and a girl who was much around his age with long hair wrapped into a pig tail. Her eyes where a dark brown and she had a very warm glow about her much like her parents.

The four of them sat there and silently watched as Andrew climbed down the ladder almost as if they paused whatever they were doing to wait for him. Needless to say other than the surprise of their presence Andrew did not feel the need to entertain guests. He remembered his father telling him about a family coming, so this must be them.

After realising that the novelty quickly wore off. Regardless of them he will just go about his morning how he normally dose. His mind set he begins to make his way across the room and towards the kitchen.

“Good morning there, young man.” the man with stubble said. His voice was upbeat and slightly toned as if talking to a young person, something Andrew relay experienced. Andrew slowed down his pace and looked back over to the table to see his and the young girls eyes where following him.

“I’d imagine you rested well?”

“I guess.” Andrew said as he walked on wards to the kitchen.

He may not be in the mood to entertain the guests but he could at least give a brutally honest answer. Walking past them and out of the living room leading wards the hall connecting the bathroom, front door, Do-Jo room and kitchen he walked towards the food create and began mapping out where all the ingredients he will need at hand to make breakfast.

“Are you making breakfast?” Andrew’s father’s voice reaches him among the rustling and rattling of an egg basket and frying pan.
“Yes!” Andrew said aloud compensating for the noise he was making.

“Do you need a hand?” His father asks.

The question itself made Andrew stop for a second a little shocked. Never in his time that he made himself something to eat has he ever asked him whether he wanted a hand until now. It’s clear that his guests where changing his dynamics. Maybe he’s tense? The thought of it put a smile on his face. He wanted to quickly pop out of the room and see what his nervous face looked like but opted not to. Probably looks like his same old poker face.

“No, I got this.” Andrew said.

With some mixing and chopping Andrew had made the meal of his waking dreams. He walks back into the room with his plate in hand and sat down on the table right beside the woman with a bun hair style since she was currently sitting on his normal spot. He was now sitting opposite the pig tailed girl who sat beside her father.

Paying no mind he began to dig into his meal. However as he ate he noticed how silent it suddenly became. Looking up he sees that all eyes were on him.

“So how are you finding it here Andrew?” the woman with the bun hair said.

Andrew realising that he forgotten to finish chewing began to work his jaws once again and think up his answer to the woman.

“It's ok.” Andrew said.

“So, you’re the one I was meant to give the food to… And also-” The pig tail haired girl said while looking Andrew right in the eyes as if trying to read him. She however was interrupted by her mother.

“What have I told you about doing that?” She said.

“I’m sorry.” The pig tailed girl smiled whilst leaning back retracting her prodding eyes.

“Well let’s get the formalities out of the way first.” The sharp eyed man said. “My name is Darrel and this is my wife Emilie. The quick mouthed one beside me is my daughter Natalie.”

Natalie rests her head on the table looking away from Darrel with an annoyed groan. Even though she seemed bothered by her father’s comment Andrew could tell that they were close, nothing like how he would get upset with his father. Darrel who noticed his daughter distaste of his remark gave a light chuckle before carrying on talking.

“Although this place was vacant for a while it was us that really pushed for you both to come and stay here. And so it is down to us to help you get on your own two feet in this town.”

Andrew stopped following the moment he heard him speak of the reason why they moved here. We were invited?

“Why did you invite us?” Andrew asked. Since was clearly not getting the answers from his father now maybe his only chance to get an explanation.

Darrell’s eyes narrowed at Andrew a little puzzled. He looks over to his father to get the green light on explaining things to him. Andrew’s dad nodding in agreement and so he looked back at Andrew with his narrowed eyes lifted.

“As I’m sure you’ve heard from the locals already the people who lived here before died on a mission. They were hunters just like you. We are a very small town and the few hunters we have here normally take trade escort jobs. Although we get by well enough we can’t ignore the fact that our numbers of hunters here are rather thin. That’s where you and your father Shinichi come in.”

“To fill the other hunters spot?” Andrew said.

“No. Well, yes but not exactly.” Darrel said.

“We are looking for teachers, like us. To educate the younger ones.” Emilie said.

Now it was all making sense, why they moved down here. Before this Andrew and Shinichi where constantly moving. Rarely spending their money on food or drink they lived off the land. They were doing the odd trading escorts jobs and the next thing he knew they were here.

“Are you a hunter too?” Andrew said.

“No we are not hunters; we can’t use a weapon and shroud ourselves in aura. Not my wife and me at least. However teachers we are none the less. Instead of attacking and defending we teach English and maths to the children around here.” Darrel said.

“I like looking into history so I read what I can.” Natalie said.

“You read?” Andrew asked a little taken aback.

On his days out on trade escorts he heard about people who can read the books left behind by a time almost forgotten. They would speak of how there is no place for people who can read more than numbers. To waste time learning letters from the past will not help fill your plate. Andrew agreed and so did most of the world.

With it being the least demanding job in the world second to none most people went about their lives without academic education seeing as they had bigger problems to worry about.

“But I hear that it is a pointless job.” Andrew said whilst he carried on eating.

Darrel and Emilie both looked at each other across the table uncertain how to respond to that. What also kept them silent was the fact that even his father did not say anything either. It was not as if what he was saying was wrong. Among all the jobs available a standard teacher was the most unimportant job in the world. Some towns won’t even bother considering them to be a legitimate job. Compared to hunters who were the most demanded and top paid jobs in the world this sad truth only rang home even more so.

“People need to learn how to fight so they can protect themselves from the demons. Unless you one day find a magic word that can make them all go away books and the words in them are as important as an empty plate, useless.”

Andrew was just repeating the things he heard from other hunters on his travels. However it was words he stuck by. Although he could have easily kept his mouth shut the mood that he was in he found that the words just came spewing out. He was not any good at lying since he never had a need for it. His father never told him off and watching this happy go lucky family was putting him off his breakfast. Maybe giving them a taste of the harsh reality that he witnessed would enlighten them. And for a moment it seemed to have worked.

Everyone was quiet around the table, until Natalie spoke.

“Maslow's hierarchy of needs.” She said as if she just figured out something.

Her parents look over to her a little puzzled. Still a little stunned by the harsh and direct remark by Andrew they hardly heard her speak. Natalie glowing by her new found understanding noticed that it was not yet sinking into her parents heads.

“Sorry?” Darrel said whilst blankly looking into the eyes of his daughter.

“Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Do you remember dad? You’re the one who told me.”
Darrel face began to glow as much as Natalie’s as his memory was jogged. Feeling left in the dark about it Andrew now was the one with a puzzled expression.

“Yes I remember now. You have a memory like a sponge.” Darrel said.

Natalie relished in her father’s praise before looking over to the now puzzled Andrew. Seeing that he was left in the dark about what she was talking about she contained herself to explain it to him.

“It’s a hierarchy of needs. Physiological, safety, love or belonging, esteem and self-actualization. It is said that without the first four you cannot reach the fifth. You can't live without food or drink, rest maybe hard if you or your belongings are not some place safe, you won’t feel like you belong unless you have family or friends, without that self-esteem and confidence maybe hard to get by. But only when all those needs are met can we truly begin to be creative and improve our morality.” Natalie said.

Andrew was at a loss of words to say as he was still trying to understand what she said. Nonetheless she continued.

“What you said is true. With the way things are seeking knowledge may seem like a lost cause. But it’s because of that reason why we must seek it out whenever we can. If people can learn appreciate things like reading and writing then it must mean that we have reached a point where we met enough needs that to feel safe enough to do those things. It would mean that my old teachers, the people who have risked their lives fighting have done enough, had made us feel safe enough so we can once again wonder about the finer things in life, that we can live instead of just existing. Well that’s what I think anyways.”

Andrew remained silent as he sat there eating his food. Although his point stood Natalie had turned his view on its head. Weather he liked it or not he saw a valid point in her speech. His pride however prevented him from admitting it in any way.

“Your daughter seems very informed.” Shinichi said. It must have been his surprised tone since his voice changed somehow.

“It was thanks to dad that I know that but thank you teacher.” Natalie said.

Shinichi seemed to have paused for a second. Seeing this Natalie became a little jumpy when she realised what she just said.

“Am I allowed to call you that? It was how I addressed my last teachers. And since I will be trained by you I thought-.” Natalie said.

Shinichi hearing this cracked what seemed like the first smile in years.

“Teacher is just fine.” Shinichi said.

Andrew seeing this was beginning to clench onto his utensils in anger.

“You should have all the students call you teacher. It maybe a simple term of address but it can help keep a level of respect between you and the students.” Emilie said.

“Yeah that would help a lot. When I am being taught by mum and dad I have to call them teacher. ” Natalie said.

“Yes about that. I talked to the parent of the child that was involved in the incident that happened yesterday. She was looking to keep his son out of your classes for good. But with some talking I got her to come around and give you another chance.” Darrel said.

“So they are willing to give us another chance?” Shinichi said.

“Yes, as long as nothing like that happens again she will comply. He however won’t be coming in until all his bruises swell down. Given the size of them I would not expect him to pop in until three weeks or so. I hope you understand.” Darrel said.

Andrew could feel a weight in the air as he realised that these people knew of what he did to one of the locales the other day. It was not so much guilt. He was adamant on standing by what he did to him. After he tried to do the same to him simply because he was an outsider he gave him a chance but he did not take it and so got what was coming. If he made a bigger deal out of it he would beat him up some more for trying to play the innocent victim but by the looks of things they knew better.

“I understand. It’s surprising that they are even considering training here after what happened. It was my negligence that caused this. I’m sorry for all the trouble.” Shinichi said.

“Well it probably helps that you have no compactors for miles around.” Darrel said in a chuckle.”
“And no need to be sorry, that’s what comrades are for.”

“We all make mistakes but as long as you acknowledge them and learn from them then you can only become better people.” Emilie said.
“Although you're both new here you are a part of this town now. My mum and dad have been teachers for years so they can help you become great teachers too.” Natalie said.

Shinichi’s out of place character, talks of staying here to teach. Andrew did not like the sound of none of it. He wanted to go back to his true home where his mother was.

“I hope you understand the seriousness of your actions young man. I know for a fact that Timothy is far from innocent in all this but if something like this where to happen again then I’m not sure how things will turn out. You may even have to relocate since this place was given to you under the understanding that you will be a teacher.” Darrel said, his sharp eyes pointed at Andrew.

Something that never accrued to Andrew suddenly came to light when hearing Darrel talk.

“We won’t be able to say here if I beat up someone again?” Andrew said.

Shinichi eyes widen as he read between the lines. Darrel on the other hand looked a little puzzled but gave him the benefit of the doubt.

“Well, we will do what we can to keep you. We are on your side after all and as such we will defend your rights so long as we deem them valid.” Darrel said.

Andrew’s eyes shifted to Natalie across the table. Unsure why he was looking at her all of a sudden her she gave a slight confused smile.

“Andrew.” Shinichi said. Being the only one who understood what he was thinking he reacted.

“I understand. I’m sorry.” Andrew said in a hollow voice, he finishes up the last spoonful of food left on his plate. He now knew of a ticket out of this town. It was just a matter of when should he stamp it.

October 23rd, 2014, 03:21 AM
There is a lot that can be worked on here, but I'd like to work at it in steps. So the first thing I must point out is spelling and grammar.

A lot of mistakes littered throughout this piece. You must not have ran it through a spell-check. Please do so, as it might not fix all of your problems, but it will get many of them out of the way, allowing you to focus more. Of course, I'll still point out a few below. (Oh, and quick question - no offense meant of course, but is your native language English? I'm not implying anything, but rather inquiring, just so that I know.)

He felt to get a drink of water but suddenly the bed look far more attractive. Should be 'looked'.

“So how are you finding it here Andrew?” The woman with the bun hair said. 'The' shouldn't be capitalized.

Everyone was quite around the table, until Natalie spoke. Everyone was 'quiet' around the table, until Natalie spoke.

There were just a lot of little things like that all over the place that need to be cleaned up. That will definitely improve your story overall. It will allow us to take a look at more important things like plot and character development without getting distracted.

October 23rd, 2014, 06:58 PM
Admittedly I did not give this a proof read trusting the spell creak. I'm reading it over now and cant believe how I even convinced myself that it was good to go. I do suffer with Dyslexia but this is just lack of checking my stuff. Thanks for the heads up.

O.A Mantle
November 14th, 2014, 09:20 PM
I give you allot of credit for posting chapters that are clearly set in the middle of the story but giving readers information on what happened prior so they can better understand what's happening.

I can guess Andrew is dealing with issues with his father and how he handles his strength in taking on someone younger and weaker than him.

Natalie going from an imposter to a three year old makes me think this is just a flashback to an earlier time right?

Attention to detail and not going on and on about how a character is feeling, is great.

It doesn't give the reader too much information on the goings on but leaves just enough to keep them interested.

While this isn't perfect (some grammar mistakes that I'd probably make myself) it is a chapter that makes me wish that they'd be a bridge laid down to connect these pieces rather than have them be scrambled, though I understand these are just beta-chapters.

This snip-it of a novel looks promising and I really, really, really hope you can update soon I'm interested in what the main conflict is with Andrew and how he deals with it.

He seems torn about being a demon it seems too. If that's correct?

Anyways hope this review was helpful :)

November 16th, 2014, 03:15 AM
Andrew was bitter because the boy he beat up started it by talking big. He not having any of it went ahead and beat him up but went too far. At the time he was eight and and boy was around the same age it's just he being a lot stronger than him it was very one sided. I'm sure i made Natalie's farther explain that part. By the way Natalie is the main character with Andrew being the second. The Natalie imposter is a clone made by the research they got from Natalie when they kidnapped her.

Andrew's relationship with his father is complicated. He hates him for leaving his mother and keeping him in the dark for his reason. He knows ans respects his power and wants to surpass it someday. Because of his powers he has being going though some changes and his father although seems to have noticed is not there for him.

This being before she was kidnapped means the close dose not exist yet.

I am still currently working on the story but when i find time to look back and convert what i already have I may do so but mainly for my writing skill reviewing.

I'll get around to reediting it soon.

You are very close. He is not a demon but the powers he has are a direct product of there prescience. Because of this traits are shared.

Thanks for the review it has helped me better gauge what i need to do next.

O.A Mantle
November 17th, 2014, 12:56 AM
Sorry. I guess I misunderstood, thanks for clearing that up with Andrew and Natalie.

Do him and his father share the same power?

Don't mention it, hope to read more from you soon :)

November 17th, 2014, 01:48 AM
No problem. And yes they do.

It's the main reason why he moved form his wife with him and why he keeps a lot away from him.