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Riptide
October 13th, 2014, 04:08 PM
I did not know where to put this. I had fun writing it, though.

With a whisk of wind the sword fell. It clanged until it came to a stop in the middle of the room. The knight who once wielded it dropped to his knees. His arms outstretched towards it, trying to grasp it. Blood shot eyes, he muttered an incantation. The incantation.

"Till death rewinds and nature pays her fines, this sword will sit untouched and still, trapped as stone till next time."

He fell towards the sword as the stone etched up body. Choking on his own blood, he said, "til next time." Rock grew up the walls, covering the already stone base. "Till next time."



The aroma of brewed coffee drifted from the cafe. It was perfection this early morning, especially for a young Kyle Jenkins. He didn't know it yet, though, the magnitude of that first sip. Kyle passed by that cafe everyday to and from school. He'd look in, smile at his own reflection, then continue on by, unbeknownst of the flutter of hearts going on inside the cafe.
The same script everyday.

"Was that the Jenkins boy?" Says the manager, arms propped on her hip. "Who's the lucky gal?"

Two waitresses squeal in delight.

"If only," says the third one who is wielding the mop with a white knuckle grip.

"What was that, Hun?" Says the manager. Her cheeks jiggle in concern. Big and puffy, off set with an always sunburned pink shade.

"Nothing." She loosens her death grip. Honey, that was her name. Honey Lin. "Nothing at all." But the conversation had diverged to her coworkers.

"I let him copy my notes, he must've remembered."

"Naw! That was my notes and homework!"

The manager watched with an amusing grin, tapping her feet. " if I was younger I'd say it was for me."

The two stop and stand flabbergasted. "I'm sure." And they go back to scrubbing the tables.

Honey knew it was for neither of them. Kyle's eyes never landed on anyone whenever he looked in.

That's how it played out day after day. Till the day grew dark.

"What's this?" Said Kyle as he watched the sky one day before school just perchance as he was passing by the cafe. In his confusion, he had stopped. "An eclipse?" But thunder cracked. He hop stepped it back.

Rain pelted down, darkening the already black morning. Wind buzzed through like an ever running jet.

"Get in!" And Kyle was thrown into the cafe. He landed soaked on his butt. Honey's hand became the brakes for her racing heart. "That storm came out if no where!"

"Is this kidnapping?"

"What?" Honey stared straight into the storm. "Wait, what was that?"

"Snatching me up like that. You kidnapped me, correct?"

" um, no. I, no, you were caught and I- we'll, I pulled you to safety."

"You're one if those kidnappers."

"What, no!"

"Are you okay?" Asked the manager. " I turned on the generator."

"It's that bad outside?" Said honey. The rattling of the cafe told her yes.

"I'm fine." Kyle looked around the coffee shop, pinching up his nose. "Do you sell fertilizer?"

Everyone turned on him. Kyle had been a deprived child. His parent didn't drink coffee, so the delicacy was lost to him. He never woke up to the morning fragrance of delicious godliness. Never felt the alert jolt of energy only a fine brewed cup could give.

"Are you kidding me? You've walked passed here how many times and you never cared to know what we sell?" Honey glared holes at him. She for one loved and needed her caffeine. The taste gave her a buzz. She didn't like it bland. She liked her coffee all dressed up.

Before Kyle could utter his defense, which he was set up with a hand across his heart and leaned back slightly, to give off a hurtful personal, a crack of thunder sounded and a bolt if lightning flashed across the room, silencing his attempts.

The lights frizzed out and someone screamed.

"Stupid generator..." Said the manager. A single beam came from the direction of her voice. Honey shielded her eyes as it pinpointed her. "I'll get some candles and more flashlights."

The rest of them sat around an empty booth. There were a few customers spewed around, but only the regulars, other than Kyle.

"How long must I stay here?" Kyle said, his face alight from the low burn of the candle.

"You don't like the smell of summer pumpkin?" Honey asked.

"What?"
"Summer pumpkin." She gestured to the candle. "Or is that more fertilizer to you? Is your sense of smell that weak it can't tell summer from fall?"

"Shut up, will you? I'll face the storm if I must." He stood up, backpack strap in hand. " I do have school."

"Sit back down you fool," she said with a roll of her eyes. "Over dramatic."

Under the fable a kick landed square in Honey's shin. She yelped and grabbed her leg. The waitress across from her have her wide eyes, mouthing: he's mine!

Honey mouthed back: take him!

Honey wanted a guy who could at least appreciate coffee as much as she did. Kyle just couldn't do.

They sat in silence after that, Honey allowing her fellow waitress the chance to bait Kyle, but none came.

Kyle, still oblivious, began twiddling his thumbs, before he stopped and pulled out a long tin can from his backpack. All eyes focused on it in the dim glow.

"What's that?" Muttered the manager, motioning closer.

He popped the lid, a gentle frizz sounding from it.

"It can't be," said a breathless Honey. The two other waitress gasped in shock and surprise.

An elderly customer stood straight up out if his seat. "It can't be!"

Kyle, not taking note, chugged the bottle. A rushed exhale sounded and finally he stopped. "Wha-?" But too late, the manager swooped the can from his hand.

"An energy drink in a coffee shop? Are you trying to have a heart attack?" Said honey, inspecting the can in her managers hand.

"You poor, poor soul. Brew him up a batch, we have battery powered machines just for such dire circumstances." The manager had to look away from the can.

"Hey! Give it back!"

Everyone was on there feet, readying up the best batch of coffee ever made.

"You'll thank us," Honey said, grabbing wipe-cream, non refrigerator kind.

"Are you feeding me fertilizer? Help, this is torture!"

"Shut up, you'll enjoy it, I promise." Honey sat him back down placing the finished cup in front if him, topping it off with a spiral if wipe cream. "Gulp it all up."

Kyle screwed up his face. "This mud?"

"Drink."

By the tone, he asked no more and grabbed the handle in his shaky hands. He tipped the cup back, swishing the liquid inside. Clasping his eyes shut he pulled it to his lips. Holding his nose he began to lean the drink into his mouth. The first drop to touch his lips he flinched back, dry heaving.

"Go. Drink."

He whimpered and took a swig. It stayed there, his throat closed off before he forced it down. His face loosened, eyes opened and a smile returned. "What is this? This- this.... This luxury?"

"Coffee, my boy," said the manager. Everyone cheered, giving high fives everywhere, hooting and hollering.

He downed it in seconds. "I love it! What have I been doing with my life?"

"I don't know," Honey said with a laugh. They all had a glass, clinking cups together. "To coffee!"

"To coffee!" Kyle toasted. Taking another sip, the lights flashed on, but they grew in brightness.

"What the?"

"Til next time!" Rang throughout the cafe. "Til now!"

What they didn't realize was that there was a war brewing. A war that had never ended, only altered from the beginning of time. Two types of energies, bent on destroying the other had formed a new battle field. A battle field of the beverage. One for coffee, the other for energy drinks. Selling them as if common items, but really, morphing the innocent populace into a soldier. The war had been stuck in a stalemate, until this morning. Until Kyle switched sides. It tipped the balance towards coffee, and the energy drinks were not happy.

"Now!" Rang the same voice and the stone around them cracked and shattered. They dice for cover under tables. A blade dropped from a ceiling fan, landing close to Kyle. "Now!" The blade glowed a magnificent caramel, calling Kyle to it. He took it, wrapping his fingers around the hilt.

His energy drink shone a green, and out leaped a monster, green haired and wild eyes. Spiked fur stuck out on all ends, save for the razor tweet hand claws that protruded out. "You will die, traitor!"

The monster slashed crazed in the darkness. Shrieks of terror cut off the sanity in the room. Everyone jumped up, and bounded towards the door. Everyone but Kyle and Honey who stayed motionless under the table.

They tore at the door handle, freaking out when they were thrust back by the wind. It took a few more seconds of chaos before they realize they were stuck. They monster, through it all, kept slashing at any motion nearby.

"I think he wants me," said Kyle, quiet enough only Honey could hear.

"Yeah, I do too."

"What do I do?"

"Use the weapon," pulsated like a voice from the sword. " it is time to end the battle. To win the war. Slash away the competition." To victory!"

Kyle shrugged. "I never liked energy drinks anyway." He stood with Honey right there, a freshly made batch if coffee in her mug.

"I got your back."

Kyle nodded and went at the beast with sword raised high.

He held no weapon expertise, or skill in anything dangerous, but he took a gulp if Honey's coffee and dang, he sure felt like he did.

They all attacked as if there life depended on it. Swinging weapon and claw alike, clinging and clashing. At the end of it, the monster had buzzed down, his energy gone.

"Drained?" Said Honey. " ha, coffee keeps you up no matter what."

Kyle gave one last slash and the monster faded in liquid glop. Coffee reigned victorious.

"Alway," Kyle said.

And that was how the war ended. How coffee became the better of the two and will always be.

LeeC
October 13th, 2014, 05:40 PM
Wow, I really like the tone and style your writing seems to have taken. Musta been that Army coffee eh ;-)

I got engrossed in the piece and only noticed one little typo.


Under the fable a kick landed square in Honey's shin.

and "in Honey's shin." doesn't sound quite right to me.

Well done,
LeeC

Clepto
October 14th, 2014, 06:04 AM
Here is a few things I wanted to point out.


I did not know where to put this. I had fun writing it, though.

With a whisk of wind the sword fell. It clanged until it came to a stop in the middle of the room. The knight who once wielded it dropped to his knees. His arms outstretched towards it, trying to grasp it. Blood shot eyes, he muttered an incantation. The incantation.
Seems a bit redundant. maybe just 'His arms outstretched, trying to grasp it.'

"Till death rewinds and nature pays her fines, this sword will sit untouched and still, trapped as stone till next time."

He fell towards the sword as the stone etched up body. Choking on his own blood, he said, "til next time." Rock grew up the walls, covering the already stone base. "Till next time."


The aroma of brewed coffee drifted from the cafe. It was perfection this early morning, especially for a young Kyle Jenkins. He didn't know it yet, though, the magnitude of that first sip. Kyle passed by that cafe everyday to and from school. He'd look in, smile at his own reflection, then continue on by, unbeknownst of the flutter of hearts going on inside the cafe.
The same script everyday.

"Was that the Jenkins boy?" Says the manager, arms propped on her hip. "Who's the lucky gal?"

Two waitresses squeal in delight.

"If only," says the third one who is wielding the mop with a white knuckle grip.

"What was that, Hun?" Says the manager. Her cheeks jiggle in concern. Big and puffy, off set with an always sunburned pink shade.

"Nothing." She loosens her death grip. Honey, that was her name. Honey Lin. "Nothing at all." But the conversation had diverged to her coworkers.

"I let him copy my notes, he must've remembered." One waitress said.

The other guffawed. "Naw! That was my notes and homework!"
maybe a little delineation between speakers?

The manager watched with an amusing grin, tapping her feet. " if I was younger I'd say it was for me."

The two stop and stand flabbergasted. "I'm sure." And they go back to scrubbing the tables.

Honey knew it was for neither of them. Kyle's eyes never landed on anyone whenever he looked in.

That's how it played out day after day. Until the day grew dark.
You use 'Till' a lot. I think you mean to use 'til which is an abbreviation of 'Until' and is generally only used in speech.

"What's this?" Said Kyle as he watched the sky one day before school just perchance as he was passing by the cafe. In his confusion, he had stopped. "An eclipse?" But thunder cracked. He hop stepped it back.

Rain pelted down, darkening the already black morning. Wind buzzed through like an ever running jet.

"Get in!" And Kyle was thrown into the cafe. He landed soaked on his butt. Honey's hand became the brakes for her racing heart. "That storm came out if no where!"
This bit is very confusing. I had to read this several times to understand. Maybe try clarifying?

"Is this kidnapping?"

"What?" Honey stared straight into the storm. "Wait, what was that?"

"Snatching me up like that. You kidnapped me, correct?"

" um, no. I, no, you were caught and I- we'll, I pulled you to safety."

"You're one if those kidnappers."

"What, no!"
This whole bit of dialogue makes me question the intelligence of the main character.

"Are you okay?" Asked the manager. " I turned on the generator."
Why does a coffee shop have a generator?

"It's that bad outside?" Said honey. The rattling of the cafe told her yes.

"I'm fine." Kyle looked around the coffee shop, pinching up his nose. "Do you sell fertilizer?"
If he walks by this shop daily he should smell the coffee quite often.

Everyone turned on him. Kyle had been a deprived child. His parents didn't drink coffee, so the delicacy was lost to him. He never woke up to the morning fragrance(He never woke up in the morning to the fragrance) of delicious godliness. Never felt the alert jolt of energy only a fine brewed cup could give.

"Are you kidding me? You've walked passed here how many times and you never cared to know what we sell?" Honey glared holes at him. She, for one, loved and needed her caffeine. The taste gave her a buzz. She didn't like it bland. She liked her coffee all dressed up.

Before Kyle could utter his defense, which he was set up with a hand across his heart and leaned back slightly, to give off a hurtful personal, a crack of thunder sounded and a bolt if lightning flashed across the room, silencing his attempts.
This is another paragraph that I had to read repeatedly. I'm still not sure what exactly it is trying to say. Also I would think a bolt of lightning would scare the pants off of everyone.

The lights frizzed out and someone screamed.

"Stupid generator..." Said the manager. A single beam came from the direction of her voice. Honey shielded her eyes as it pinpointed her. "I'll get some candles and more flashlights."

The rest of them sat around an empty booth. There were a few customers spewed around, but only the regulars, other than Kyle.
I would say strewn...

"How long must I stay here?" Kyle said, his face alight from the low burn of the candle.

"You don't like the smell of summer pumpkin?" Honey asked.

"What?"
"Summer pumpkin." She gestured to the candle. "Or is that more fertilizer to you? Is your sense of smell that weak it can't tell summer from fall?"

"Shut up, will you? I'll face the storm if I must." He stood up, backpack strap in hand. " I do have school."

"Sit back down you fool," she said with a roll of her eyes. "Over dramatic."

Under the fable a kick landed square in Honey's shin. She yelped and grabbed her leg. The waitress across from her have(gave?) her wide eyes, mouthing: he's mine!

Honey mouthed back, "take him!"

Honey wanted a guy who could at least appreciate coffee as much as she did. Kyle just couldn't do.

They sat in silence after that, Honey allowing her fellow waitress the chance to bait Kyle, but none came.

Kyle, still oblivious, began twiddling his thumbs, before he stopped and pulled out a long tin can from his backpack. All eyes focused on it in the dim glow.

"What's that?" Muttered the manager, motioning closer.
Motioning closer or moving closer?

He popped the lid, a gentle frizz sounding from it.

"It can't be," said a breathless Honey. The two other waitress gasped in shock and surprise.

An elderly customer stood straight up out if his seat. "It can't be!"

Kyle, not taking note, chugged the bottle. A rushed exhale sounded and finally he stopped. "Wha-?" But too late, the manager swooped the can from his hand.

"An energy drink in a coffee shop? Are you trying to have a heart attack?" Said honey, inspecting the can in her managers hand.

"You poor, poor soul. Brew him up a batch, we have battery powered machines just for such dire circumstances." The manager had to look away from the can.
BATTERY POWERED COFFEE POT? I NEED!

"Hey! Give it back!"

Everyone was on there feet, readying up the best batch of coffee ever made.
Their feet. Their.

"You'll thank us," Honey said, grabbing wipe-cream, non refrigerator kind.
Whipped cream. I have no idea what wipe-cream is and I don't want to know. :)

"Are you feeding me fertilizer? Help, this is torture!"

"Shut up, you'll enjoy it, I promise." Honey sat him back down placing the finished cup in front if him, topping it off with a spiral if whipped cream. "Gulp it all up."

Kyle screwed up his face. "This mud?"

"Drink."

By the tone, he asked no more and grabbed the handle in his shaky hands. He tipped the cup back, swishing the liquid inside. Clasping his eyes shut he pulled it to his lips. Holding his nose he began to lean the drink into his mouth. The first drop to touch his lips he flinched back, dry heaving.
Maybe clamping? Clasping is a form of grabbing.

"Go. Drink."

He whimpered and took a swig. It stayed there, his throat closed off before he forced it down. His face loosened, eyes opened and a smile returned. "What is this? This- this.... This luxury?"

"Coffee, my boy," said the manager. Everyone cheered, giving high fives everywhere, hooting and hollering.

He downed it in seconds. "I love it! What have I been doing with my life?"

"I don't know," Honey said with a laugh. They all had a glass, clinking cups together. "To coffee!"

"To coffee!" Kyle toasted. Taking another sip, the lights flashed on, but they grew in brightness.
Did he get a new cup of coffee? He just finished his last one.

"What the?"

"Til next time!" Rang throughout the cafe. "Til now!"

What they didn't realize was that there was a war brewing. A war that had never ended, only altered from the beginning of time. Two types of energies, bent on destroying the other had formed a new battle field. A battle field of the beverage. One for coffee, the other for energy drinks. Selling them as if common items, but really, morphing the innocent populace into a soldier. The war had been stuck in a stalemate, until this morning. Until Kyle switched sides. It tipped the balance towards coffee, and the energy drinks were not happy.
If it has never ended then it can't be brewing. Maybe a another battle is brewing?

"Now!" Rang the same voice and the stone around them cracked and shattered. They dice for cover under tables. A blade dropped from a ceiling fan, landing close to Kyle. "Now!" The blade glowed a magnificent caramel, calling Kyle to it. He took it, wrapping his fingers around the hilt.
I'm not sure if they have time for a game of dice when the walls are exploding! Maybe dive? :)

His energy drink shone a green, and out leaped a monster, green haired and wild eyes. Spiked fur stuck out on all ends, save for the razor tweet(What?) hand claws that protruded out. "You will die, traitor!"

The monster slashed crazed in the darkness. Shrieks of terror cut off the sanity in the room. Everyone jumped up, and bounded towards the door. Everyone but Kyle and Honey who stayed motionless under the table.
Continuity issue here. The lights came back on. Why is it dark?

They tore at the door handle, freaking out when they were thrust back by the wind. It took a few more seconds of chaos before they realized they were stuck. The monster, through it all, kept slashing at any motion nearby.

"I think he wants me," said Kyle, quiet enough only Honey could hear.

"Yeah, I do too."
I see what she did there! :icon_cheesygrin:

"What do I do?"

"Use the weapon," pulsated like a voice from the sword. " it is time to end the battle. To win the war. Slash away the competition." To victory!"
Are you trying to say a voice pulsated from the sword?

Kyle shrugged. "I never liked energy drinks anyway." He stood with Honey right there, a freshly made batch of coffee in her mug.

"I got your back."

Kyle nodded and went at the beast with sword raised high.

He held no weapon expertise, or skill in anything dangerous, but he took a gulp if Honey's coffee and dang, he sure felt like he did.

They all attacked as if there life depended on it. Swinging weapon and claw alike, clinging and clashing. At the end of it, the monster had buzzed down, his energy gone.

"Drained?" Said Honey. " ha, coffee keeps you up no matter what."

Kyle gave one last slash and the monster faded in liquid glop. Coffee reigned victorious.

"Alway," Kyle said.
Always?

And that was how the war ended. How coffee became the better of the two and will always be.

I also wanted to point out a GLARING issue with your plot in the end. Coffee would NEVER win. Energy Drinks will reign supreme! :)

Riptide
October 14th, 2014, 10:16 PM
Actually, I'm seeing tons of mistakes. Most because it was written on my phone. I'll try to fix them. Thanks for the input! N I really do like the coffee gere

Mr. Blue
October 17th, 2014, 07:12 PM
Haha that was very entertaining. As previous posts pointed out, you have several errors which detract from your story, but overall it's a wildly amusing concept. My advice would be to focus your attention on your dialogue writing. Right now the whole thing works, but hardly seems colloquial. Focus on trying to imagine the conversation in your head, or even ask someone to have the conversation you want for your story out loud. It'll help with any awkwardness between characters, as you discern what kind of statements and replies would dominate the scene.

ArrowInTheBowOfTheLord
October 28th, 2014, 07:10 AM
This made me laugh so much. The first paragraph drew the reader in well. As others mentioned, however, there are some grammatical errors and the dialogue is a little awkward. Also, shortening the middle section could be helpful to retain the short-and-sweet feel of the story.

:coffee: (Also, you are super-correct when you say coffee is better than energy drinks)