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Jamboree
October 12th, 2014, 05:40 PM
October 2058

“We’re sorry,” Mutters the creature. “What we did, well, what we tried to do was wrong.” His head bows in shame. It’s incredible really, the amount of knowledge that these creatures have learnt by themselves without help. It would be fascinating to study them.
Sadly that won’t be a possibility.
Not after what they did.
The creature is technically a human being. The basic body shape is correct, although the limbs are a little elongated. The head is all wrong though. Tiny in proportion to its body and contains three enormous eyes. All of them have the same dusty red coloured irises. The only similarity that he shares with the other 125 failed experiments. And Mars-127 of course. The creature in front is attempt number 85, as shown by the number permanently branded on his left forearm.
He is the leader of the little rebel group. Exceptional brain capacity, the only one on par with Mars. Physically inept though. Progeria has caused him to age at eight times the normal rate making him look a hundred years old. Muscle atrophy also stops him from being as great as Mars. Close but not close enough. It would take another 42 weeks to correct these mistakes.
“I know that you’re sorry,” I say. The creature looks up in surprise.
“Really?” The chair scraps against the stone floor as I sit down opposite him. He stares at me, his three eyes blinking separately to each other. “How can you tell?” Interesting. He suffers from the same problem as Mars, Social-Emotional Agnosia. I wonder if they all suffer from it.
“Your body language, the way you spoke. It’s full of regret. You are suffering emotionally as a result of your group’s actions.” His expression changes. There’s a clinking of chains as he shuffles in his seat.
“Suffering comes from pain which is as a result of physical contact with an object. Can that be emotionally linked?” My eyes wander around the room as I consider his question. It is exactly how Mars would have interpreted it.
“Why are you smiling?” I look back at him. This time I answer.
“Your comment, Eighty five…”
“Please call me Trigg.” There’s a forcefulness in his voice.
“Your comment, Trigg, is exactly how Mars, or 127 as you know him would have said it.”
He considers this for a while.
“Well we are brothers.” He stares at the blank table between us.
I feel sorry for him, for all of them. They had no hope, nothing to live for. And Mars had it all. He still does. Their hate grew out of jealousy for what they almost had. And all because Mars had simply had the luck of being the one that worked. The genetically altered human with a fully functioning body and brain. No side effects unlike his brothers. The perfect ‘Super’ human that I helped to create.
“So then, Dr Sanders, what now?” He asks still staring downwards.
“You know my name?” The knowledge of it takes me by surprise.
“Obviously, otherwise I wouldn’t have just said it,” He replies. I shake my head. So literal and so exactly like Mars. He doesn’t notice the movement but continues speaking. “However, I assume that we will be killed. We aren’t assets to your company now that you have him.”
I smirk, little does he know.
“Neither you or your group are going to be killed or harmed by us in anyway. I’ve managed to convince the board otherwise.”
Trigg looks up. Suspicion spreads across his face.
“You convinced them? Why?”
“I believe in redemption. I am giving you a second chance.” My eyes skirt around the room. Many boxes and cases have been pushed to the sides to create space for Trigg. This room was never designed to be a prison.
“Why would you risk so much for me when I could just try to kill Mars again? The biggest asset to your company.” There’s hatred in his words. He thinks that we see him and his brothers merely as objects for research. And perhaps he is right about that. He is wrong about Mars though.
“I’m not risking anything. You aren’t staying here. I’m sending you to Brutalia.”
“Where?” His face is blank. A gap in his knowledge exists. Geography isn’t a priority when you are stuck in a cage in a dark room for months.
“Brutalia. A country abandoned just over twelve years ago. No one sane has lived there since.” His face remains blank. “Everything you need to know about it is in here.” I slide over a two-page document across the table. It’s only now that I wonder if he has somehow obtained the ability to read.
At first he seems to stare at the paper and my hopes appear to be dashed. Yet his eyes begin to move across the page. He’s slow, clearly a beginner at reading. I observe him closely as he struggles over certain words, trying to form the sound of the letters with his lips. Occasionally he asks for help. Enigma is the first word that he seeks my guidance on.
It takes him fifteen minutes to read the entire document before he places back down on the table. Afterwards he sits still for a moment.
Finally he speaks,
“You have that sorted out very well. Your offer is accepted.”
The quick acceptance startles me.
“Really, no questions?”
“None. It’s a chance to be free, to live a life without being judged by your kind. With that chance for redemption.” I breath a small sigh of relief. I doubted that he would accept the offer and choose head over heart. Even though he is a creature of logic.
The chair screeches as I stand to leave. I knock on the metal door to be freed by the guard outside.
“Dr Sanders” He calls as the door clunks with the sound of keys turning the lock. I spin around. “Thank you.” He says. A smile escapes from inside of him. “And don’t you worry, we’ll keep our eyes on the skies.”

Clepto
October 15th, 2014, 02:59 AM
It's an interesting concept. I didn't really find anything that stood out as an intrusive issue. I would be interested in seeing this story continued.

thepancreas11
October 15th, 2014, 04:44 AM
I'll agree with Clepto. I think this has a lot of promise. Whatever's happening here, I could read about another dozen chapters of it. You have all the makings of a good first chapter. First, you've established three characters, each with a very distinct point of view and personality. I associate with the narrator, a beautifully consistent voice, but I think the most interesting might be this 85 you've got here. You give him such specific qualities that I can see him sitting across from our narrator, not just in physical presence but in stance, expression, and sound. You might want to explore some additional sensory items, maybe what he smells like even, just to make this even more impressive.

You also build a world. We have the company, we have a mission, we have a protagonist and just as importantly, an antagonist. Each of them play enough of a role to create some tension in the world. You should look into Kyle R's post about the Pixar theory of 2 + 2 which you do almost perfectly here. Instead of blatantly laying out the mission, you dance around it enough to define its edges. I can see a gray shape in the fogginess.

For some reason, when you use Mars as a name, it confuses me. It's a science fiction, so when you use that world, I think you're referring to the planet. Perhaps reconsider that naming just to clarify. Keep it Mars-127 for a while?

Also, you spend a lot of time comparing everything to Mars. We get it. We know what he's like. You have to keep the story moving, which means you have to dwell on that comparison less and less.

Lastly, a bit more reveal earlier on might put away the vagueness of the world as it starts. You eventually get there, but maybe you should work in the information from the top.

I loved it. Write some more!

Jamboree
October 16th, 2014, 10:07 AM
Thanks for the comments!

I shall read up on the Pixar 2 + 2 theory, it is something that I haven't heard of before.
I do want to keep the name as Mars but I can understand the confusion. Perhaps by following your next point thepancreas11 and comparing 85 to Mars-127 less then that reduces the amount that Mars-127 is mentioned thus reduces the possibility of confusion.

Although this is the start of the story it is more of a prologue than the first chapter. The rest of the story is told from Mars-127's point of view. Both Dr Sanders and 85 play major roles in the book but Mars-127 is the main protagonist and follows his exploits as this physically and mentally advanced human.
I have a little work to do to bring the next few sections up to the standard of this one but I shall post them on here and see how you like the change in point of view.

NerdyMJ
October 17th, 2014, 07:03 PM
There were some grammar issues and a few other things that bothered me. I also liked the detail you used when describing Trigg, but I didn't like how the narrator kept comparing him to Mars. I thought it distracted from the situation at hand. The other thing that bothered me is that at one point Dr. Sanders mentioned that Mars suffered from Social-Emotional Agnosia, but then later goes on to describe him as the perfect super human with no negative side-effects. So I thought that was sort of contradictory because agnosia does sound like it would be a negative, but I understand that the narrator probably meant Mars was perfect, other than the agnosia, so perhaps I'm just nitpicking? I apologize if it seems that way.
Other than the things I pointed out, I thought the this was really good and really well written, and I am intrigued by Trigg and Mars and their whole back-story. I would definitely want to read more of this later on and hope that you post more of it. Good work :)

Jamboree
October 19th, 2014, 02:49 PM
Thanks for the comment. As it is the most commonly mentioned point I shall remove some of the comparisons to Mars since it seems to be irritating.
And you are not nitpicking. If it is problematic enough to disrupt the flow of your reading then it needs to be tweaked slightly.

T. R. Slone
February 26th, 2015, 03:28 AM
I found this piece interesting enough to make me want to keep on reading even after you ended it...would love to read further if you decide to continue :smug: