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Plasticweld
October 12th, 2014, 04:45 PM
Snow White the Real Story. By Bob Brown 600 words adult humor and language

This was written as the other half of JenthePen's story posted here on the forum. This is the true story of what happened not a distorted female version.


We held hands while we prayed and in hindsight maybe that was a mistake. We each prayed for a woman. There is a shortage of short women, no pun intended. Out of desperation we turned to God to answer our prayers. Instead of seven little women we got one big bitch.

How she ended up on our doorstep is a point of contention that we argue about till this day; we have seven different theories.

She had stood there at the door like an Angel. Beautiful brown hair, a petite but cute figure with green eyes that sparkled. Then she spoke, breaking the illusion and the magic.

We offered her our hospitality, she issued us her demands. It is in our nature to accommodate, little people often have big manors. We did the best we could to make her feel welcome and be gracious hosts.

She claimed to be a writer, but then again anyone who is too lazy to work for a living will tell you they’re writer. She offered us a percentage of the royalties, if we let her write. Being miners we are used to doing hours of long hard work with the idea of it paying off in the end. So like fools we agreed to her terms: she writes, we take care of her.

At first we lived in harmony, it slowly degenerated with her snide comments. Doc was giving her breakfast one morning when she quipped. “What is the difference between a midget and a dwarf?”

“Very little,” she said with a mean laugh.

Doc not wanting to be out done, asked her “What difference between a dwarf debate team and a women’s track team?”

Baffled she just sat there, not used to being challenged by anyone.

“Dwarfs are cunning runts.” He replied with venom!

The tension in the cottage grew worse by the day. It was a private joke among us. Each day we would leave the cottage to work, singing “Hi Ho hi Ho, it’s off to work we go.” As we shut the door, we would sing in unison “Bye Ho, bye Whore it’s off to work we go.”

Things went downhill fast. Her long brown hair was now greasy and un-kempt, her eyes were glossed over from squinting at the written page, worst of all was her smell.

Sneezy walked by her one morning and quipped, “Your hair stinks.”

She ran her hands through her hair and put it in a ponytail. “I guess I need to shampoo my hair,” She said defiantly.

Sneezy held his fingers up to his nose, “Not the hair I was talking about.”

Snow white realizing his height and proximity, got the gist of his comment and flew into a rage.

She sputtered out, “What do you get when you cross a dwarf with a prostitute?”

Not missing a beat, she held her hand over Sneezy head and said “A little fucker about so tall.”

She'd worn us down, all we wanted was for her to be gone, all of us except Dopey. We had to get away from her. It was decided that we would give up our place and move away, it was the polite thing to do. That morning we tacked a note on the door.

We are tired of being ignored and taken for granted. We have gone to live with your dad.
Love, the seven dwarfs.
P.s. Your dinner is in the oven.

We have learned a couple of things concerning this. First, be careful what you pray for and most of all never hold hands while asking God for a favor, you might just get it.

jenthepen
October 12th, 2014, 06:04 PM
Poor old Snow White! I guess she was a pretty selfish bitch but what happened to all those 'big manners and gracious hosts'? Then again, she still ended up with the cottage. I hope she hung on to it – she could have sold a desirable woodland residence like that in a heartbeat during the last property boom.

This really did make me lol, Bob. Seems you defended the male pov pretty well. Be warned though, as soon as word of this reaches the palace in the realm of Fairy Tales, those bags of gold deliveries are gonna stop!

Smith
October 17th, 2014, 01:34 AM
Snow White the real story. by Bob Brown 600 words adult humor and language

This was written as the other half of JenthePen's story posted here on the forum. This is the true story of what happened not a distorted female version.


We held hands while we prayed, in hindsight maybe that was a mistake. We each prayed for a woman. There is a shortage of short women, no pun intended. Out of desperation we turned to God to answer our prayers. Instead of seven little women we got one big bitch.

How she ended up on our doorstep is a point of contention that we argue about till this day; we have seven different theories.

She had stood there at the door like an Angel. Beautiful brown hair, a petite but cute figure and green eyes that sparkled. Then she spoke, breaking the illusion and the magic. We offered her our hospitality, she issued to us, her demands. It is in our nature to accommodate. Little people often have big manors. We did the best we could to make her feel welcome and be gracious hosts.

She claimed to be a writer, but then again anyone who is too lazy to work for a living will tell you they’re writer. She offered us a percentage of the royalties if we let her write. Being miners we were used to doing hours of long hard work with the idea of it paying off in the end. So like fools we agreed to her terms, she writes. we take care of her.

At first we lived in harmony, it slowly degenerated with her snide comments. Doc was giving her breakfast one morning when she quipped. “What is the difference between a midget and a dwarf?”

“Very little.” she said with a mean laugh.

Doc not wanting to be out done asked her “What difference between a dwarf debate team and a women’s track team?”

She sat there baffled, not used to being challenged by anyone.

“Dwarfs are cunning runts.” He replied with venom.

The tension in the cottage grew worse by the day. It was a private joke among us, each day we would leave the cottage for work, singing “Hi Ho hi Ho, it’s off to work we go,” as we shut the door we would sing in unison “Bye Ho, bye Whore it’s off to work we go.”

Things went downhill fast. Her long brown hair was now greasy and un-kept, her eyes were glossed over from squinting at the written page, and worst of all was the smell.

Sneezy walked by her one morning and quipped, “Your hair stinks.”

She ran her hands through her hair and put it in a ponytail. “I guess I need to shampoo my hair.” She said defiantly.

Sneezy held his fingers up to his nose, “Not the hair I was talking about.”

Snow white realizing his height and proximity all of sudden got the gist of his comment and flew into a rage. She sputtered out, “What do you get when you cross a dwarf with a prostitute?”

Not missing beat she held her hand over Sneezy head and said “A little fucker about so tall.”

She had worn us down, all we wanted was for her to be gone, all of us except Dopey. We had to get away from her. It was decided that we would give up our place and move away, it was the polite thing to do. That morning we tacked a note on the door.

We are tired of being ignored and taken for granted. We have gone to live with your dad.
Love, the seven dwarfs.
p.s. your dinner is in the oven.

We have learned a couple of things concerning this. First be careful what you pray for and most of all never hold hands while asking God for a favor, you might just get it.


Sorry I did not get to this sooner.

This actually did make me laugh a little and legitimately smile. Well done. Your use of punctuation has improved, although still some problems. Here's what I noticed, the good included.

We held hands while we prayed, in hindsight maybe that was a mistake. Should be *We held hands while we prayed, and in hindsight...*

Instead of seven little women we got one big bitch. Quite simply, I laughed.

We offered her our hospitality, she issued to us, her demands. *We offered her our hospitality. She issued us her demands.*

So like fools we agreed to her terms, she writes. we take care of her. *So like fools we agreed to her terms: she writes, and we take care of her.*

At first we lived in harmony, it slowly degenerated with her snide comments. *We lived in a harmony that slowly degenerated with her snide comments.*

“Very little.” she said with a mean laugh. *"Very little," she said with a mean laugh.* or *"Very little." She said it with a mean laugh.*

Doc not wanting to be out done asked her “What difference between a dwarf debate team and a women’s track team?” *Doc, not wanting to be out done, asked her, "What's the difference between a dwarf debate team and a women's track team?"* or *Not wanting to be outdone, Doc asked her, "What's the difference between a dwarf debate team and a women's track team?"*

It was a private joke among us, each day we would leave the cottage... *It was a private joke among us. We would leave the cottage...*

“I guess I need to shampoo my hair.” She said defiantly. *"I guess I need to shampoo my hair," she said defiantly.*

---

A few others in there but that should be good enough. Otherwise I enjoyed the piece, and found it to be pretty funny, which strangely enough can be hard to come by in the Humour section. Then again, it's pretty subjective.

Plasticweld
October 17th, 2014, 09:34 PM
Mr. Smith thank you very much for helping me with the corrections. I am at a lost and need a little more help, with one issue. What is the rule for using this : verses a ; verses a , ??? I am unclear on when to use which...Bob

tjer222
October 24th, 2014, 04:14 PM
A very different look at a traditional tail. Cunning Runts is something I am just going to have to borrow at some future point! Of course, I really meant tale and not tail!

EBKMSC
December 18th, 2014, 01:03 PM
i couldnt find anything that hasnt beenn found already. good read, two thumbs up

J Anfinson
December 20th, 2014, 02:20 PM
What is the rule for using this : verses a ; verses a , ??? I am unclear on when to use which...Bob

Colons are often used to indicate the beginning of a list.

I went to the store and bought the following groceries: three tomatoes, a can of beans, a pork roast, and a box of cereal.

Semicolons are often used to join two related sentences without having to end the first sentence in a period. You can combine them this way.

Snow White took a bite of the apple; it was rotten and she spat it back out.

Commas are used for multiple things. As Smith pointed out, they should be used instead of a period when you use a dialogue tag.

“I guess I need to shampoo my hair.” She said defiantly. *"I guess I need to shampoo my hair," she said defiantly.*

BenjaminTaggart
December 26th, 2014, 07:29 AM
Very clever piece of writing and was actually funny! Great work mate

Cran
December 26th, 2014, 08:34 AM
Good manors are great houses; good manners are well behaved.


What is the rule for using this : verses a ; verses a , ??? I am unclear on when to use which...Bob
A colon (:) flags a list, each item separated by a semi colon (;), or flags an example or explanation of the subject.

A semi colon (;) separates the items in a list begun with a colon (:), or combines two distinct clauses without a conjunction; ie, without a joining word.

A comma (,) is used to separate items in a list not begun with a colon, and this includes elements within a group which combined make up an item in the list, or to combine distinct clauses with a conjunction, or, in many cases, to bracket clause or sub-clause insertions, or in cases of sentence rearrangements.

IvyRuth
December 26th, 2014, 10:43 AM
A fun version – just for fun - but I agree, those bags of gold will probably stop coming from the fairy folk.


But since it is here there are a few ‘writer’ things that can be looked at for future use in your other pieces.

“She had stood there at the door like an Angel.” In this sentence you use the word ‘had’ where it is correct but not necessary. More than just not necessary, it turns the sentence into passive voice.
Look at it with the ‘had’ removed. “She stood there…” vs. “She had stood there…” While both are in the past tense, one is active voice and one is passive voice. Active voice is most often the stronger version in fiction.
Since you used it here, there is a good chance it is a verbal habit and you will find your work peppered with it.

“…a petite but cute figure with green eyes that sparkled.” Why did you put in the ‘but’. Does that imply a petite figure is not normally cute? The word ‘cute’ is typically associated with young and small or immature as in childish, so is probably an excellent support word for petite. If you just said “…a petite cute figure…” each word would support the other. As it is, with the ‘but’ the words somewhat cancel each other.

“We offered her our hospitality, she issued us, her demands.” Take out the second comma. It is stronger without it.

“Bye Ho, bye Whore it’s off to work we go.” Just an opinion here. It would probably play better if you used the current slang ‘ho’ in both places – that slang has been around for long enough that at least all Americans and native English speakers will understand it.

ChrisChandler00
January 20th, 2015, 08:14 PM
I enjoyed this. Was a fresh, fun look at Snow White, and was actually funny!

Grammar issues, but they've already been discussed. Good job.

Lone Wanderer
February 9th, 2015, 06:39 AM
It was crude, there was little enthralling dialogue, and it was pretty disgusting...

loved it...

Plasticweld
March 4th, 2015, 11:51 PM
It was crude, there was little enthralling dialogue, and it was pretty disgusting...

loved it...


Thanks for the kind words, this might be one of the best reviews of my work so far :}

NoxiousLovexx
March 21st, 2015, 02:21 PM
It was a nice jest at Snow White, I don't really see her poked at as often as other Disney princesses! Very male, very rawr. You can quote that. :P Kidding, but really, I liked it as a satire piece, most of the other posts seemed to address the editing portion, so I'll leave that out. Nice job!

joecabello
March 27th, 2015, 10:09 PM
Love this style of concept.

I think you could even scrape some humor out from the little minutia of life, especially how women are when you live with them (no offense, ladies! But if I say we have to go at 7pm, don't be ready at 7:20).

I also would like to hear what Dopey's deal was. I bet there's room for a good line there.

Reichelina
April 5th, 2016, 08:55 AM
I liked the jokes. I hate that you made fun of my favorite Disney Princess! HAHA.

FatCat
April 6th, 2016, 12:01 AM
I found this hilarious. A couple of select lines really made me smile. The grammar issues have been addressed. Good job!~

Plasticweld
April 17th, 2016, 02:19 PM
Thank you Fat Cat for the kind words and welcome to the forum...Bob

Kevin
April 17th, 2016, 03:02 PM
Haha... Yes, this is funny.

Okay, some possible adjustments. Use or discard as you will:


used to doing hours of long hard work an example one of those htf doIsaythis? lines. :) Anyway, easy fix.


She sat there baffled, not used to being challenged by anyone. Just as a sort academic lesson but,
Ifyou had to be concise you might re-word this. Assuming your foundation is established (and that the reader is following who is who) maybe : Baffled, she was not... jat. There's multiple variations, but it's something I often edit in my own writing.


Good manors are great houses; good manners are well behaved. I took this as a pun, like they (the dwarves) had a big house. She sort of forced them to be accommodating; manners whether they chose them or not.
"...guess I need to shampoo my hair,” You could cut 'my hair'. Shampoo is a specific verb.
Also, the action of running her hand 'shows'(rather than tells).
She said defiantly.This would be a 'show, not tell ' moment for me, sort of a challenge.

Plasticweld
April 17th, 2016, 05:42 PM
Thanks Kevin I made some of the changes you suggested also a few more that seemed to make it read a little smoother. Having not looked at this for awhile really helped me see some of my mistakes, thanks for pointing out some of the technical ones I missed...Thanks a ton :}