PDA

View Full Version : Just A Break (600+ words) short story.



sloonzz
October 3rd, 2014, 04:21 AM
Humans are fascinating creatures. This one, here. In front of me in the bus. He looked weary enough. Sitting with his back slouched. Legs kept together as they carried the weight of his sling bag. His white earphones and white shirt stood out against his black curly hair that blocked portions of his ear. His eyes drooped, seemingly opened halfway through, affixed at a certain point on the floor. His mouth drew a flat line on his face, like a lone boat in the middle of the vast plain ocean. Would he have noticed a girl like me scanning his features? Probably not.

Maybe it’s time for my little show.

Time froze. I was doing it. The bus slowed down to a complete stop. The mild whispers deafened into silence. Everything stopped but me.

I carefully examined the bus, wary of others of my same kind. Every twitch of an eye, lift of a finger, whisper of a breath, I waited. Dirty tricksters, the others were. But nothing like me. After a few seconds of cautious pause, I took a deep breath of relief. There were no others. This is mine.

I stood up from my seat and looked at the man. He just sat there, just as everyone else, but it was almost as if nothing changed in him. He was as stiff now as he was before. He really needed a break. I put my hand on his head.

Let’s see if I could still do this.

At a snap of my finger, he moved.

His black shoe tapped repeatedly on the floor. It was a while before he recognized what happened, before his static state noticed anything but the cold grey floor. Finally, his tapping ceased. His head turned left, right, then toward me. I let out a smile, wishing not to scare him.

“How—what… you?”

His once static body sprung alive. It’s curious how he changed. His lips curved to genuine surprise. Both eyes fully pried opened after heaven knows how long. The earphones made a brief tap on the floor as he pointed towards me.

Maybe this was the break he needed. A disruption of routine.

I just nodded. He breathed heavily, as if a mixture of wonder and shock rapidly flowed out from his mouth. I stayed calm as I was expected to do. I was born for this.

I leaned my head towards him. I closed my eyes as my lips gently pressed against his. His warm short breaths grew deeper. And his twitching stopped, ultimately containing himself in our kiss.

This time, he was different. Excitement and passion made his lips dance. His hands held my head close in our moment. He felt alive.

I softly released our lock and stood up.

“Go have the rest of your life,” I told him.

His eyes fixed on me as I sat back to where I was. Nothing came out of his mouth but the warm air that escaped. He was obviously shook up about what just happened, but his posture felt renewed. He let out a faint smile. As if grateful for the moment we shared.

For the moment he’ll forget.

I snapped him back to freeze and restored normal time.

The shaky bus continued its tedious trek. The soft chatter and whirring of the bus engine resumed. Just another busy day once again.

I glanced at the man in front of me. His eyes turned everywhere with his head like he’s been recalling something. His brows curved inwards with curiosity. I leaned in and asked, “Are you okay?” He looked towards me and paused, somehow scanning my face. After a brief moment, he sighed. “Oh. It’s… it’s nothing. You know, one of those things.” A familiar smile emerged beneath his confusion.

“What is it?”

“What’s it called? You sort of feel like you’ve been here before? This moment?”

“A déjà vu?”

He nodded, “exactly.”

And that’s all that it was to him.

EDIT: Some editing error fixed.

Plasticweld
October 4th, 2014, 04:38 AM
Interesting twist to the story, and perspective. I like stories that make you think and sometimes go back to see what I missed. Some subtle clues given along the way that make perfect sense the second time around. It reads well, I don't have the skills to pick out spag but nothing jumped off the page at me.... Nice work!...Bob

jenthepen
October 4th, 2014, 12:27 PM
Humans are fascinating creatures. This one, here. In front of me in the bus. He looked weary enough. Sitting with his back slouched. Legs kept together as they carried the weight of his sling bag. His white earphones and white shirt stood out against his black curly hair that blocked portions of his ear. His eyes drooped, seemingly opened halfway through (should this be ‘though’), , affixed at a certain point on the floor. His mouth drew a flat line on his face, like a lone boat in the middle of the vast plain ocean. Would he have noticed a girl like me scanning his features? Probably not.

Maybe it’s time for my little show.

Time froze. I was doing it. The bus slowed down to a complete stop. The mild whispers deafened into silence. Everything stopped but me.

I carefully examined the bus, wary of others in (of)my same kind. Every twitch of an eye, lift of a finger, whisper of a breath, I waited. Dirty tricksters, the others were. But nothing like me. After a few seconds of cautious pause, I took a deep breath of relief. There were no others. This is mine.

I stood up from my seat and looked at the man. He just sat there, just as everyone else, but it was almost as if nothing changed in him. He’s (was) as stiff now as he was before. He really needed a break. I put my hand on his head.

Let’s see if I could still do this.

At a snap of my finger, he moved.

His black shoe tapped repeatedly on the floor. It was a while before he recognized what happened, before his static state noticed anything but the cold grey floor. Finally, his tapping ceased. His head turned left, right, then toward me. I let out a smile, wishing not to scare him.

“How—what… you?”

His once static body sprung alive. It’s curious how he changed. His lips curved to genuine surprise. Both eyes fully pried opened after heaven knows how long. The earphones made a brief tap on the floor as he pointed towards me.

Maybe this was the break he needed. A disruption of routine.

I just nodded. He breathed heavily, as if a mixture of wonder and shock rapidly flowed out from his mouth. I stayed calm as I was expected to do. I was born for this.

I leaned my head towards him. I closed my eyes as my lips gently pressed against his. His warm short breaths grew deeper. And his twitching stopped, ultimately containing himself in our kiss.

This time, he was different. Excitement and passion made his lips dance. His hands held my head close in our moment. He felt alive.

I softly released our lock and stood up.

“Go have the rest of your life,” I told him.

His eyes fixed on me as I sat back to where I was. Nothing came out of his mouth but the warm air that escaped. He was obviously shook up about what just happened, but his posture felt renewed. He let out a faint smile. As if grateful for the moment we shared.

For the moment he’ll forget.

I snapped him back to freeze, sat down to where I was (she already sat back where she was in the last paragraph but one)and restored normal time.

The shaky bus continued its tedious trek. The soft chatter and whirring of the bus engine resumed. Just another busy day once again.

I glanced at the man in front of me. His eyes turned everywhere with his head like he’s been recalling something. His brows curved inwards with curiosity. I leaned in and asked, “Are you okay?” He looked towards me and paused, somehow scanning my face. After a brief moment, he sighed. “Oh. It’s… it’s nothing. You know, one of those things.” A familiar smile emerged beneath his confusion.

“What is it?”

“What’s it called? You sort of feel like you’ve been here before? This moment?”

“A déjà vu?”

He nodded, “exactly.”

And that’s all that it was to him.


I’ll never look at those déjà vu moments in the same way now I’ve read your story. :)

The whole thing is well written and has a nice even flow. I think the short phrases, which could have been joined by commas, work well as complete sentences, given that this is written as a train of thought.

I found a few typos which I’ve edited, but nothing major. Thanks for an intriguing story and an enjoyable read.

Jen.

sloonzz
October 4th, 2014, 04:46 PM
I’ll never look at those déjà vu moments in the same way now I’ve read your story. :)

The whole thing is well written and has a nice even flow. I think the short phrases, which could have been joined by commas, work well as complete sentences, given that this is written as a train of thought.

I found a few typos which I’ve edited, but nothing major. Thanks for an intriguing story and an enjoyable read.

Jen.

I'm glad that you've enjoyed it. And yes, I've noticed the typos and errors, probably an editing error on my part. Although I really meant 'through,' not 'though'. As in 'opened halfway through'. Is that acceptable?
Thanks for reading! :)

jenthepen
October 4th, 2014, 06:55 PM
I really meant 'through,' not 'though'. As in 'opened halfway through'. Is that acceptable?
:)


Yes, of course, if that was the way you wrote it, then it's perfect. :thumbr:

Jean Bathurst
October 7th, 2014, 01:55 PM
I really enjoyed it. Well written, atmospheric, tender, contemplative tone. Maybe a few bits where it could be tightened, but it flows really well.
Putting forward a few suggestions. Tried to cut a few words. 'Towards' was used a lot, for example. Might help... might not!
cheers,
Jean

Humans are fascinating creatures. Take this one, here. In front of me in the bus. He looked weary enough. Back slouched. Legs kept together, carrying the weight of his sling bag. White earphones and white shirt stood out against black curly hair that covered part of his ear. His eyes drooped, halfway open, affixed on a point on the floor. His mouth was a flat line, like a lone boat in the middle of the vast ocean. Would he have noticed a girl like me staring at him? Probably not.

Maybe it’s time for my little show.

The world froze. I was doing it. The bus slowed to a stop. Mild whispers deafened into silence. Everything stopped but me.

I examined the bus, wary of others of my kind. Every twitch of an eye, lift of a finger, whisper of a breath. I waited. Dirty tricksters, the others were. Nothing like me. After a few seconds, I took a deep breath of relief. There were no others. This moment is mine.

I stood up and looked at the man. He just sat there, like everyone else, almost as if nothing changed in him. As stiff now as he was before. He really needed a break. I put my hand on his head.

Let’s see if I could still do this.

At a snap of my fingers, he moved.

His black shoe tapped on the floor. It was a while before he recognized what happened, before his static state noticed anything but cold grey floor. Finally, the tapping ceased. His head turned left, right, then toward me. I smiled, wishing not to scare him.

“How—what… you?”

His body sprung alive. His lips curved into an expression of genuine surprise. Eyes fully open after heaven knows how long. The earphones made a brief tap on the floor as he pointed at me.

Maybe this was the break he needed. A disruption of routine.

I nodded. He breathed heavily, wonder and shock rapidly flowing wordlessly from his mouth. I stayed calm, as I was expected to do. I was born for this.

I leaned my head forward. Closed my eyes as my lips gently pressed against his. His warm short breaths grew deeper. His twitching stopped, his body contained in our kiss.

He was different now. Excitement and passion made his lips dance. His hands held my head close. He felt alive.

I gently released our lock and stood up.

“Go have the rest of your life,” I told him.

His eyes fixed on me as I sat back down. Nothing came out of his mouth but warm air. He was obviously shook up, but his posture felt renewed. He smiled. Grateful for the moment we shared.

The moment he’ll forget.

I snapped him back to freeze and restored normal time.

The shaky bus continued its tedious trek. The soft chatter and whirring of the bus engine resumed. Just another busy day once again.

I glanced at the man. His eyes scanned rapidly about, like he was recalling something. His brows curved inwards. I leaned in and asked, “Are you okay?” He looked at me and paused, studying my eyes.

He sighed. “Oh. It’s… it’s nothing. One of those things.” A familiar smile emerged.

“What is it?”

“What’s it called? You sort of feel like you’ve been here before? This moment?”

“A déjà vu?”

He nodded, “exactly.”

And that’s all that it was to him.

EDIT: Some editing error fixed.

sloonzz
October 7th, 2014, 02:01 PM
I really enjoyed it. Well written, atmospheric, tender, contemplative tone. Maybe a few bits where it could be tightened, but it flows really well.
Putting forward a few suggestions. Tried to cut a few words. 'Towards' was used a lot, for example. Might help... might not!
cheers,
Jean

Humans are fascinating creatures. Take this one, here. In front of me in the bus. He looked weary enough. Back slouched. Legs kept together, carrying the weight of his sling bag. White earphones and white shirt stood out against black curly hair that covered part of his ear. His eyes drooped, halfway open, affixed on a point on the floor. His mouth was a flat line, like a lone boat in the middle of the vast ocean. Would he have noticed a girl like me staring at him? Probably not.

Maybe it’s time for my little show.

The world froze. I was doing it. The bus slowed to a stop. Mild whispers deafened into silence. Everything stopped but me.

I examined the bus, wary of others of my kind. Every twitch of an eye, lift of a finger, whisper of a breath. I waited. Dirty tricksters, the others were. Nothing like me. After a few seconds, I took a deep breath of relief. There were no others. This moment is mine.

I stood up and looked at the man. He just sat there, like everyone else, almost as if nothing changed in him. As stiff now as he was before. He really needed a break. I put my hand on his head.

Let’s see if I could still do this.

At a snap of my fingers, he moved.

His black shoe tapped on the floor. It was a while before he recognized what happened, before his static state noticed anything but cold grey floor. Finally, the tapping ceased. His head turned left, right, then toward me. I smiled, wishing not to scare him.

“How—what… you?”

His body sprung alive. His lips curved into an expression of genuine surprise. Eyes fully open after heaven knows how long. The earphones made a brief tap on the floor as he pointed at me.

Maybe this was the break he needed. A disruption of routine.

I nodded. He breathed heavily, wonder and shock rapidly flowing wordlessly from his mouth. I stayed calm, as I was expected to do. I was born for this.

I leaned my head forward. Closed my eyes as my lips gently pressed against his. His warm short breaths grew deeper. His twitching stopped, his body contained in our kiss.

He was different now. Excitement and passion made his lips dance. His hands held my head close. He felt alive.

I gently released our lock and stood up.

“Go have the rest of your life,” I told him.

His eyes fixed on me as I sat back down. Nothing came out of his mouth but warm air. He was obviously shook up, but his posture felt renewed. He smiled. Grateful for the moment we shared.

The moment he’ll forget.

I snapped him back to freeze and restored normal time.

The shaky bus continued its tedious trek. The soft chatter and whirring of the bus engine resumed. Just another busy day once again.

I glanced at the man. His eyes scanned rapidly about, like he was recalling something. His brows curved inwards. I leaned in and asked, “Are you okay?” He looked at me and paused, studying my eyes.

He sighed. “Oh. It’s… it’s nothing. One of those things.” A familiar smile emerged.

“What is it?”

“What’s it called? You sort of feel like you’ve been here before? This moment?”

“A déjà vu?”

He nodded, “exactly.”

And that’s all that it was to him.

EDIT: Some editing error fixed.
Thanks for the specific feedback. I wouldn't have noticed it if you didn't point it out.
As good as your improvements are, I'm not gonna change anything so that I can be reminded of my mistakes the next time I read this and/or write something else.
I really need to take a look at my vocabulary one more time. Again, much thanks. :)