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View Full Version : Good Morning (400+ words) A short story.



sloonzz
September 25th, 2014, 07:24 AM
It was bright outside, it always was. I sat beside the window overlooking the landscape that painted a picture of the scorching sun. Orange and dense, it stressed itself smudged like a hanging portrait on the canvas that is the sky. It almost made me forget the squeaking sound the wooden chair made every slight adjustment I did.

It was a usual sight, and it was beautiful.

The radio played the daily intro music. Like anything it plays wasn’t daily. It was a jolly tune, accompanied by subtle static sounds signifying the radio’s condition.

“Good morning, Monday!”

A thick voice greeted my morning, followed by some talk about a celebrity from long ago. The background music put flavor to the conversation. Every sound wave the voices produced was absorbed by my insides. It was an eerie experience, nonetheless refreshing. The exclamations had some sense of hope in them, like this day wouldn’t be so bad after all. It’s what kept me going despite this mind-damaging routine.

I turned the rusty doorknob to get to the bathroom. The sight wasn’t pleasing and the smell wasn’t any different. Some tiles were missing, and the shower faucet had rusty spots in it. It was probably ages ago when it was cleaned. But I couldn’t bother myself with cleaning, and I needed to shower.

The shower’s fragility was evident when it let out the water in a broken sprinkle, similar to a blinking Christmas light. I thought to myself how I wished I could call a plumber to fix this one day. But maybe I didn’t have time to think about it. Or maybe I was just too lazy.

The liquid crawled slowly across my skin. It was lukewarm, but the fact that I washed myself in it was enough for me to pay no mind to the temperature. I turned the shower off and got a towel from my bag. Its rough texture scratched against my skin, absorbing more than the water. I got on my usual shirt, pants, and bag afterwards.

I sat on the weary wooden chair, at the same spot with the window. Mind absent from the surroundings, my thoughts went away from me for a minute. The landscape never ceased to captivate my imagination and caress my memory. Where was I when it happened? How long has it been since?

I got hold of my knapsack with the radio in hand. I went outside and beheld the view. Leafless brown trees wrestling against the blistering heat of the orange sun. Concrete ruins standing sturdy with each other despite the struggle against time. And the infertile brown dirt that surround them, blending with the palette of our star.

It was the familiar wasteland. The remnants of a nuclear war. Two days and ten houses without drinkable water. The radio played the loop.

“Good morning, Monday!”

Plasticweld
September 26th, 2014, 02:42 AM
Very nice. I see in your introduction to the site you mentioned that English is your second language. I see no hint of that in your writing. You did an excellent job setting the mood and flow of the story and I found this to be a very enjoyable read. I am looking forward to seeing more of your work. Welcome to the forum...Bob

Miles-Kirk
September 26th, 2014, 05:42 AM
This is literally excellent, the descriptions are so vivid and exquisitely put. I almost feel like I am there. Great job.

sloonzz
September 26th, 2014, 06:05 AM
Thank you for the kind comments. This is the first short story I've finished and actually felt good about.
Nice to read some encouraging words. If some points need improvement, feel free to speak out. :)

Will Lee
September 26th, 2014, 11:08 AM
This was an awesome read! Very vivid and lifelike!

Miles-Kirk
September 26th, 2014, 11:43 PM
Also, for anyone that is a gamer, this piece really reminds me of Fallout 3.

sloonzz
September 27th, 2014, 02:44 AM
You got that one right. This is actually inspired by that game. :)

escorial
September 27th, 2014, 10:49 AM
nice man

DJ2334
October 16th, 2014, 06:02 AM
Really good. I like how you turned something dark like a nuclear wasteland into a beautiful image with only 400 words.

sloonzz
October 16th, 2014, 11:32 AM
Thank you. Love to hear that I've successfully captured the mood I was trying to project. :)

Mr. Blue
October 16th, 2014, 10:31 PM
I enjoyed your descriptions, especially the broken sprinkle of water. Vivid imagery is key to playing scenes in your reader's imagination. I also enjoy that you incorporate not only sights, but smells, sounds, and feelings in your writing. The more senses you can engage, the more vivid your writing becomes! The only suggestion I can offer are to watch out for awkward lines. In your first paragraph, the final sentence ends in a strange way. My suggestion would be to read this out loud, search for awkward moments, and make adjustments accordingly. I also know English isn't your first language, so my tip might not work as well for you. Also, you use pronouns heavily throughout. I would suggest using some alternative subjects in place of those, to spice up the vocabulary variety. Of course, all of my criticisms are entirely small. This is really quite enjoyable. Thanks for sharing!

NerdyMJ
October 17th, 2014, 12:34 AM
Great job. I really liked how descriptive you were. It really made me feel like I had been transported to another time, and the twist at the end was amazing. I truly did not see it coming. Loved this.

sloonzz
October 17th, 2014, 06:44 AM
I enjoyed your descriptions, especially the broken sprinkle of water. Vivid imagery is key to playing scenes in your reader's imagination. I also enjoy that you incorporate not only sights, but smells, sounds, and feelings in your writing. The more senses you can engage, the more vivid your writing becomes! The only suggestion I can offer are to watch out for awkward lines. In your first paragraph, the final sentence ends in a strange way. My suggestion would be to read this out loud, search for awkward moments, and make adjustments accordingly. I also know English isn't your first language, so my tip might not work as well for you. Also, you use pronouns heavily throughout. I would suggest using some alternative subjects in place of those, to spice up the vocabulary variety. Of course, all of my criticisms are entirely small. This is really quite enjoyable. Thanks for sharing!

Thanks for the small critique! Now that I've read it again, it did feel awkward. I would watch out for that the next time I write something. I'm glad that you enjoyed it.

MousePot
October 17th, 2014, 07:03 PM
Great piece sloonz, I can't believe English isn't your first language, this was really quite beautiful. I particular liked how you introduced some unsettling elements to your descriptions (like the shower/bathroom scene) to hint something is wrong without spoiling the twist, very tricky to pull that off in my opinion!

The only thing I would say you could add is just a little something to personalise the character a bit. Having the character, say, hold onto something which has sentimental value, or refuse to look at a part of the scenery, or singing a song to himself while he's sitting, can tell us a huge amount about him.

This is a very small complaint though, and really just a question of writing style.

Really great work!

Sc0pe
October 18th, 2014, 03:41 AM
The radio talking of an old celeb along with the static showing the radios age kind of hinted me to that something was off time wise. Either he lived out in the sticks or something. The ending put them pieces together well and im glad you lift hints to this weather you meant to or not. I do feel like it ends a bit suddenly but that only because i would not have minded more. Overall it was a good piece and if i did not read I would have not known that English was not for first language. Over all good work.

Now I feel the need to play fall out 3 again...

sloonzz
October 18th, 2014, 12:07 PM
Great piece sloonz, I can't believe English isn't your first language, this was really quite beautiful. I particular liked how you introduced some unsettling elements to your descriptions (like the shower/bathroom scene) to hint something is wrong without spoiling the twist, very tricky to pull that off in my opinion!

The only thing I would say you could add is just a little something to personalise the character a bit. Having the character, say, hold onto something which has sentimental value, or refuse to look at a part of the scenery, or singing a song to himself while he's sitting, can tell us a huge amount about him.

This is a very small complaint though, and really just a question of writing style.

Really great work!

Thanks for the feedback! That is pretty good, to be honest. Although that wasn't in my mind when I wrote this as this was just a short story, it can make the piece more interesting.



The radio talking of an old celeb along with the static showing the radios age kind of hinted me to that something was off time wise. Either he lived out in the sticks or something. The ending put them pieces together well and im glad you lift hints to this weather you meant to or not. I do feel like it ends a bit suddenly but that only because i would not have minded more. Overall it was a good piece and if i did not read I would have not known that English was not for first language. Over all good work.

Now I feel the need to play fall out 3 again...

That was my intention. I try really hard to be consistent with the world I'm establishing and with that comes hints and stuff like that. Glad you enjoyed it! (I also play FO3)

belthagor
October 18th, 2014, 02:00 PM
It was beautiful, well descripted, good word choice, everything good. I can't think of any flaws to mention.

DanCaetta
October 25th, 2014, 09:02 PM
Very descriptive. And I got the sense a few sentences in that there was an ominous, somewhat sarcastic mood to the whole thing. Like a "I can't go on, I'll go on" type of mood. Very desolate. And the short, choppy sentences add to that type of feeling. Very to the point, but also deep.