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Laughing Duck 137z
September 25th, 2014, 07:00 AM
I know this is in the middle of a story but I can't help but to post this scene. It means something special to me. I hope you boys and girls enjoy. Any positive or negative response is good.

BTW, I chopped this scene up a good bit. I wish you guys could see the full picture.


Lance sat her up until the steel door slammed shut against the frame. His eyes opened a mile wide. He dropped her and surrendered by raising his hands. Julie rushed to the lifeless Amanda. The room reeked of vomit where Amanda was in the middle of it. She was in a pool of her own green vomit. The middle of Lance’s shirt and pants were darker than the rest, due to the vomit. He began to point to Amanda.

“I-I-I found her like this,” Lance said. “I think-” before he could finish Kurt rushed him. He grabbed Lance by his shirt and slung his thin 5’8” frame against a wall and pinned him there.
“Keep quite A-hole,” Kurt ordered.
Julie cradled the silent Amanda and gave Sean a concerned look. Dean was backed into a corner covering his mouth and nose. Sean walked up to ‘big and small’ and orders to Lance, “Explain everything.”
“She and I walked back here. I take a leak in the stall and the next thing I know she’s on the floor.”
“You little piece of crap,” Kurt said in a low aggressive tone.
“I revived her and she was talking five minutes ago,” the hippie said.
“Give us a little space,” Kurt pushed him out the room.

“Clear the bar,” Sean said.
“Sure,” the 6’2” bodyguard said as he left the vomit tub.
“Sorry guys, but if I stay I’m gonna barf,” Dean ran out the restroom.
“Sean,” Julie said.
Amanda sat against the kneeling Julie and the addict began shaking. Her shaking turned to coughing as she rolled off Julie. She continued to cough but now over the sewer drain, that is until her stomach turned over on her. Vomit was everywhere around the drain, plenty of it was in his hair.
Sean stepped closer to the girls. Each step made him a bit more uneasy. Although he’s seen Amanda like this he never wanted to see it again, nor did he plan on seeing two ex’s in the same room.
He bent down to take a closer look at the wreck of a woman. She’s stopped vomiting and had resorted to heavy breathing as a way of sobering up. She looked up at Sean, her bloodshot eyes almost made his stomach turn. Reality is never pretty, especially when an ex is training the other how to breath.
“Just calm down Amanda,” Julie said. “Take your time and breath.”
Amanda’s eyes were puffy, as if she’d been crying for days. Her nose bubbled with green snot to the point it was dripping down her chin. She lost her equilibrium and slowly rocked her head back and forth in every direction. Everything to her was a total haze, she had beer goggles times two.
Julie unwrapped the rubber tourniquet from the addicts left bicep. She tied it around her vomit soaked hair. Amanda stared into his eyes; it was finally time to talk.

hvysmker
October 29th, 2014, 12:20 AM
“Keep quite A-hole,” Kurt ordered.
*** quiet?

Sean walked up to ‘big and small’ and orders to Lance, “Explain everything.”
*** ordered Lance to,?

Sean stepped closer to the girls. Each step made him a bit more uneasy. Although he’s seen Amanda like this he never wanted to see it again, nor did he plan on seeing two ex’s in the same room.
He bent down to take a closer look at the wreck of a woman. She’s stopped vomiting and had resorted to heavy breathing as a way of sobering up. She looked up at Sean, her bloodshot eyes almost made his stomach turn. Reality is never pretty, especially when an ex is training the other how to breath.
*** breathe? You've been switching POV from past to present in this section. He'd, rather than He's. She'd rather than she's.

“Just calm down Amanda,” Julie said. “Take your time and breath.”
*** Breathe?

Pretty good story, though I didn't catch on till the end.

Charlie

MousePot
October 29th, 2014, 12:49 PM
Hi Duck

A pretty graphic scene here, nicely done! The description of the movement of the characters is really very good, I always had a good sense of where everybody was despite it being a pretty busy scene.

I did get a little confused between Sean and Dean at one point, but that was just because of the similarity of their names ^^

One thing I would bring is in the first paragraph. I'm guessing it was a deliberate choice to use 'vomit' so much in short choppy sentences to really hammer home the crazy amount there is of it, which is quite a nice idea. Unfortunately though, it comes off a little bit clunky, especially at the start of such an important scene. I think you will have a much stronger effect if you go for quite a flowing sentence and really go to town on describing where all the vomit is, and just refer to it as 'it' afterwards. For example when you mention how Amanda has vomit in her hair, I had a much stronger reaction to it than the idea of 'vomit vomit vomit'

And on a very nit-picky note, in the first paragraph you describe Amanda as 'lifeless', which made me think she was in fact dead. I do see the effect you were going for, and maybe 'rag-doll body' might be more appropriate?

But I really enjoyed this, the whole description of Amanda with her snot bubble and puffy eyes was really visceral, and the scene itself is so obscene that it really does feel believable! Can't wait to see what happens next ^^

(and I know it's a scene from a larger story, but I really love the title xD)