PDA

View Full Version : Awakening (mysteriously uncategorized :) short excerpt...



Tbird0000
September 24th, 2014, 01:42 AM
In order for you to understand why I’m writing this, I’d have to explain everything from the beginning. I don’t know if I have much time really, but I’ll do my best to document everything that has happened to me today. This might be the last time anyone ever in the history of my life reads anything written by my very own hands. It’s scary to think about actually. It feels surreal like none of this is even happening. Like maybe I’m sleeping and dreaming comfortably at home in my own bed. It’s absolutely impossible, but, unfortunately, this isn’t the case. I don’t think the situation could be anymore “real” than it already is. I know I’m starting to ramble but be patient please. I want to make sure my last words are important to whoever should happen upon this memoir. Let’s start with last night. Yes, I think that would be best.

I opened my eyes and stared through the windshield to the empty road ahead. My vision was blurry for a moment. I was in the middle of the highway, alone, with my car in park. The high beams were lighting the huge trees to the left and right of the road. I don’t remember how I got there, although, I know I was on my way home from work. My radio was on but just barely audible. There was fuzzy music mixed with strange noises akin to metal scraping against metal playing in the static. I turned it off. My hazards were blinking with that irritating click sound. It was very strange. Why was I sleeping in the middle of the highway and why had nobody seen me sitting on the road? I felt utterly abandoned. There was a sharp pain in my right forearm. It felt itchy. I looked down and saw the faintest scar about six inches long. I don’t remember ever having one there before. This was very strange indeed. On my passenger seat was a piece of paper with some scribbling on it. The hand writing wasn’t my own. It read:

“YOU HAVE A DECISION TO MAKE. WE EXPECT AN ANSWER BY THE SAME TIME TOMORROW”

It didn’t make sense to me at all.

I drove home in silence pondering the mystery of my awakening. When I came up the driveway and turned the ignition off, my ears were deafened by the ringing silence all around me. My wife and son were sleeping. All of the house lights were off except for the porch. I got out of my car and fumbled for the door key. I found it odd that I couldn’t remember which one it was. I know I’d lived at that house for ten years or so. After many failed attempts, I was able to get inside. I turned on the living room lamp and looked around. My gaze landed on the furniture before turning to the family photo resting on the fireplace mantle. I did in fact have a wife and son, I wasn't imagining them at the time. I sat on the couch and removed my work boots and placed them under the coffee table. The itchy feeling was returning. I rubbed my arm on my pant leg and ignored it. I walked upstairs and into my bedroom. My wife was sleeping in the bed. I stared at her a moment before walking to the empty side of the mattress that must have been where I normally slept. She awoke as I laid down.

“You’re later than usual. Long day?” she asked.

“Um, yeah, I guess so. I must have lost track of time.”

“It’s your turn this morning, don’t forget, ok?” she whispered before falling back to sleep.

My turn for what? I didn’t know what she was referring to. But I didn’t wake her. I felt my eyes grow heavy. I rolled to my side and embraced the darkness.



I dreamt something I had never dreamt before. It was discomforting to say the least. I was in a room with many white lights hovering above me. I was laying there on a metal table. It might have been a surgery room or something similar. I felt druggy like I had taken some expired meds. Someone entered the room but I couldn’t make them out through the haze. They seemed to float over the floor until they were next to me, looking down at my chest. His fingers were long as he gently ran them over my skin. He didn’t talk, but I heard his voice. Seemingly, in my mind.

“Do not be afraid. We were able to repair your damaged areas. Everything will be better for you.”

My lips couldn’t form any words. When I opened my mouth, only drool came out and dripped down my cheek.

“This feeling will pass soon enough.”

I looked to my right and saw a machine with various blinking lights. The colors were extremely vibrant in my disoriented state. There was a loud hum all around me and the room was cold. I looked back to this person next to me and tried to make my eyes focus. But he was leaving the room. And then I woke up.

I half expected that everything was just a fabrication of my mind. That I was suffering an extreme case of sleep deprivation. That was what I expected. But often more times than naught, expectations fall short. The reality of the situation was realized, when after waking, I witnessed the look on my wife’s face as she stared at me from across the room. Her hands were covering her wide open mouth. Her eyes were extremely focused on something. My son was entering the room as panic was setting into my gut. She quickly slapped the door shut in his face and locked the knob. She walked briskly to me and began to utter something through her shaky voice.

Jamboree
September 24th, 2014, 10:55 PM
Very mysterious and spooky. I liked the excerpt. It feels like the first major incident in the story, perhaps even the very start.
There was only one moment that really troubled me.
It didn’t make sense to me at all.

I drove home in silence. I remember it so vividly.
Earlier the narrator mentions that he doesn't know how he got there, and it doesn't make sense at all but then says that he remembers it so vividly? I don't know if you mean that he remembers the drive home vividly but there is some confusion for me here and I think it needs to be clarified.
I drove home in silence. It's the only part that I can remember.
Perhaps this change solves the problem. I don't know but you can work on it.

The rest I thought was very good. There are some sentences that could be a little tighter and changed slightly but it read well and the part mentioned above is the only one that really troubled me. I would like to see where this goes, keep writing.
Jam

Tbird0000
September 24th, 2014, 11:25 PM
Yeah, I've been playing around with this concept idea for awhile now. I remember the first time I thought it up, I said the words out loud to myself. It sounded so perfect, I wish I was writing it down lol. I kind of want the story to be first person as if its something that happened or IS happening to me.

Miles-Kirk
September 25th, 2014, 12:51 AM
I really liked the ambiguity of this piece, a lot of questions were posed to the reader, which is always a good hook for a thriller. I especially liked the note that was left in the car, that was a brilliant touch.

I always hated that I got off so late into the night. The long drive was lonely allowing too much “me” time. For some reason, this line to me seems quite awkwardly put, I think it could be reworded a bit more eloquently. Have a play around with it.

My radio was on but just barely audible. Fuzzy music mixed with strange metal noises was playing in the static. I think the reference to the 'strange metal noises' needs to be clarified a little. Do you mean metal music? Iron scraping on steel? Tidy that up to make it a tad clearer to the reader and that would be perfect.

Other than that, as Jamboree mentioned, it just needs tightening up structure wise here and there. Otherwise, grand job. Looking forward to reading more.

sloonzz
September 25th, 2014, 07:17 AM
It's good work if you're aiming for a mystery thriller. You kept the readers guessing about various details, like the one where the protagonist mentioned that he wasn't imagining his wife and son. Is it foreshadowing? We don't know, and that's a good start.
As the others have mentioned, your sentences could flow a little bit better.

Tbird0000
September 26th, 2014, 01:32 AM
Edited, and hopefully for the better :) Enjoy

manof letters
October 5th, 2014, 06:55 AM
good idea i think i would start with paragragh 2 being one reverse paraggrahs fabrication of the mind interesting line indeed.