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CJ Tomlinson
September 16th, 2014, 01:19 PM
Okay, so I've been racking my brain figuring out which of my stories to finish. I have a 3 long ones mapped out and this is one of them; I think it's the most cohesive of them so far with a pretty clear plot and outline in my mind. This is a rough first draft so there's a few mistakes and the formatting isn't the best, but hey, just to give you a gist of it.

So yeah, basically I just want to know if this is something that captures your attention and makes you want to know more and keep reading! Any other suggestions, comments or such are always welcome as well of course!

---------------------

On an otherwise fairly uneventful day in the middle of an Edgedale April, two policemen were involved in one of the town's ugliest pursuits. Numerous little children were left crying and in shock after the chase forced itself through a schoolyard, massive amounts of property were damaged as it continued past the town's Black Market, and even the end of it saw numerous privately-owned vehicles and, oddly enough, public garbage cans, demolished. The Edgedale Police Department phone lines were constantly ringing throughout the whole ordeal and well after it was done, and once the culprits were caught, they had nothing to say for themselves.


"Can you believe it?", Bernard said with a chuckle. "Good old Chuckie. Man. I mean, I knew McNamara was on the take, but Chuckie?!" He scooped up a spoonful of steaming chili and lunged at it with his mouth, dropping half a bean on the diner table in the process. "I like that tackle you did though, that clothesline spear? Very WWF."


His partner scoffed in disgust. "WWF is the World Wildlife Foundation. And do you absolutely have to talk with your mouth full?"


"I know it is," Bernard replied. "Very wildlife of you. And as for talking with my mouth full... Well hey, we're all wildlife, buddy." He took another bite, making sure his mouth wasn't empty. "See? It all comes full circle."


Bernard was a bit chubby for his late-forties age range, but he was more likely to be called big than fat. His partner, on the other hand, made sure to keep himself in shape. Carter wasn't going to be winning any bodybuilding competitions anytime soon, but he probably would be tackling at least a couple more corrupt cops in his career.


The diner, a favorite of the duo's, was quiet. It was eleven o'clock in the morning, and most of the city took their lunch break at two. Even after the spectacular chase these detectives were involved in not a full twenty-four hours earlier, the general populace fostered an enduring apathy that could, if need be, weather a bona fide storm of scandals.*


"Spit it out." Bernard had a way of observing his surroundings that made him the envy of many detectives; it's just everything else about him that they couldn't stand.


"What?" Carter asked before taking a sip of his club soda.


"You've been scowling at me more than usual. If you have something t-"


Carter sighed loudly as he stared at the bubbles vertically chasing each other in his glass. "You shouldn't have shot him."


Bernard shrugged.


"Seriously, you can't do that. We have no reason to believe he was armed-"


The older detective swallowed his food forcefully as he rolled his eyes in disbelief. "He's a frickin cop!"


Slowed down but ever resolute, Carter persisted. "Still. He wasn't a lethal threat."


Back to the chili with another shrug.
"I shot him in the leg. He'll live."


"There's a way to do things, Bernard."


The old detective put down his fork.


"Listen, kid. The chief is on the take. The mayor runs the Daisy, or at least pockets half the profits. We're chasing dirty cops through the city. I'm pretty sure none of that is..." He pointed at his partner with each word to emphasize; "'how you do things'."


A waitress, clad in the Roma diner's signature magenta and beige fusion, passed by quietly. She had silver cross earrings on that danced as she moved. Carter shot a small but friendly smile at her, which she did not return. He then whispered loudly to his partner as he gently but firmly tapped he table with his right index and middle finger. "The rulebook is there for a reason!"


Bernard cracked his neck. "The rulebook is made for a specific game; once that game has changed completely, that book goes out the window."


Carter backed down. He sat pensively as Bernard finished his chili, during which time another waitress passed by, and this one did return Carter's friendly gesture but he could swear he sensed a hint of mockery.


Soon it was One O'clock, and the first few customers started coming in. After making sure to leave a tip for his club soda and Bernard's chili, sandwich and two coffees, carter followed his partner outside.


Roma stood at the intersection of Willow and Fourth; about twenty minutes from the Daisy. The two detectives stood there; the big one smoking a cherry-flavored cigarillo and the fit one drawing puffs from his electronic cigarette, in front of a musty old sedan. It was in different phases of gray, and the hood almost resembled a world map done in pastels, especially if one was not that well acquainted with geography.


As they got into the car, Carter turned to his partner once again.


"Did you really have to shove that kid, though?"


"I don't like kids."












The building itself seemed quite healthy and not very old at all; it had gotten a fresh coat of paint within the last year and looked much better than the rest of the neighborhood.


Inside, the ground floor echoed that sentiment with a nice, fresh look that would, presumably, instill confidence in anyone in need of the services provided here.


The second floor, however, seemed much worse for the wear.


Much more shallow in color than the deep blue that adorned the outside, this area seemed to have worn out the paint job by sheer force of will.


Carter and Bernard were at their desks, across from each other. Carter was much more quiet than usual, scribbling nonsense in his legal pad to clear his mind. His partner was flipping through an issue of his favorite comic, GCPD.


Further away from the entrance, almost pressed to the back wall, a detective worked furiously, attacking form-filled papers with a number 2 pencil. Next to those forms was an identical stack.


The corner desk was being used as a poker table by three detectives, and the door to the Chief's office was open, but never in the metaphorical sense. He was nowhere to be seen.

Carter's smart phone shuddered violently on the wooden desk and he grabbed it. Bernard did not stop reading his comic but he did comment. "I'll give you a hundred dollars if that is not your therapist."


"Friend," Carter replied hostilely, opening the message to read it.


"Sorry; therapist friend."


"No, just friend. I knew him before he was a therapist. So stop it."


"It's just..." Bernard peeked over the edge of the comic, "Don't you think the fact that your only other friend is a therapist is a bit... I don't know, unhealthy? A red flag, maybe?"


Carter looked at his partner. "So now we're friends?"


Bernard folded the upper half of the comic down very slightly, allowing him to peer out over the top of bended pages at the younger detective.
"I was talking about Tobias."


Carter scoffed. "Sure, okay, Man." He went back to doodling.


A few silent moments followed, but they did not last long.


Bernard put down the comic book.

"Seriously though, you ever wonder about Tobias?" he asked.


"He's actually the only one around here I don't wonder about," Carter replied, and he shot a quick glance at Bernard before focusing his attentions back to his doodles. Bernard tapped his fingers on his desk, thinking deeply.


"He's a good guy and all, but I mean... Why does he always do paperwork double? I mean is that even legal?"


Carter put his pen down with a sigh. "Seriously? Out of all the things going on in this place, that's what makes your justice-sense tingle?"


Bernard cringed at the description. "Ew."


"He rips them up and tosses the ones he writes in pencil," Carter continued. "I've seen him do it. He's probably just making sure he doesn't make any mistakes on the official form."


"I don't get it. Why would he do that?"


"Hell, Bernard, I don't know. OCD? A very unusual case of Tourette's? Or maybe he just- gasp!- wants to do it right!"


Carter feigned astonishment.


"You know," Bernard said, "I'm getting sick of your passive-aggressive garbage, man."


A solid voice interrupted the friendly conversation. "Carter! Maletski!"


Carter grinned the whole time as they walked from their desks to the chief's office, and his smile grew even wider after Bernard punched him in the shoulder before they entered.


The chief stared at the directly as they entered. "You two are great detectives." He spoke with a slow, clear tone and voice.


Bernard opened his eyes widely. "Are you breaking up with us?"


Blatantly ignoring him, the chief continued. "McNamara is coming back in today." Carter's face lost all color, Bernard scoffed then shook his head, and the chief continued uninterrupted.
"I want you guys to play nice. Carter, say you're sorry for tackling him so roughly."


"It was a clothesline spear", Bernard mumbled. "Maletski," the chief continued, "you're going to have to go over to Saint Andrews. Apologize to Greene; He should be out of his morphine coma by now. I don't want this to get any more out of hand than it already has."


The two detectives continued staring; one in disbelief, the other in disgust.


"I know, I know. You guys were doing your jobs. But my hands are tied on this. Orders coming up from above. You know how it is."


"Yeah," Bernard replied, "you've got the only career where you get paid not to do your job. I wonder what you do on off days?"


The chiefs squinted at Bernard. It was a half-irritated expression meant to convey indignation or anger, but coming from the tall, lean man who always seemed calm beyond rationality, it was unsettling.


"Sir," Carter said, breaking the tension, "I... What are we supposed to do?"


"Just what I said." The chief passed a hand through his short hair. "Play nice. And finish your report." he turned around and began to pour himself a glass of whiskey from a rotund, ridged bottle. Bernard shook his head and patted a distraught and unbelieving Carter, the sign to leave; this battle was not won, not today.


"Maletski", the chief added before the detectives exited, "your gun."
Bernard scoffed and continued walking away without turning back. "I'll be at my desk if you want to try and take it."


Carter's desk was covered in scratches. Covering it in a much less permanent fashion were an electronic cigarette charger, some neatly stacked paperwork and a copy of Critique of Pure Reason by Immanuel Kant.


His partner's desk was a barren wasteland, serving only as a place mat for the GCPD comic.


"Are you okay?"


Carter was staring directly at Bernard, who sighed and opened his desk's uppermost drawer.


"I'm splendiferous."


He took out a pack of cigarillos and a flimsy-looking yellow lighter. Then, in a loud voice, said "If you've got something to say, say it!"


Carter looked confused, then saw Tobias getting up from his desk and walking over.


"I hope so hard that you weren't trying to be inconspicuous," Bernard said as he lit a cigarillo.


"Hey guys. I just- well..." Tobias stopped, thinking of how to best phrase his question. His sentences always started uncertainly, but ended with confidence.


"What did Weaver say to you?", he continued. "Was it about the chase?"


Bernard blew a smoke ring, then attempted to blow a smaller one through the first one, but he failed, and he took a long draw of the cigarillo, then released it upwards and inhaled it with his nose.


"What... What I guess my friend here is trying to say," Carter started, "is that we got a slap on the wrists for going off-book. For whatever reason, these guys are protected. Even though we caught them selling drugs. They saw us, and just ran."


Tobias glanced around, suspiciously. He was fiddling nervously with the end of his black leather belt, but he did not seem to know it. "I eh... Don't think that's all though."


Carter raised an eyebrow at the gray-suit-wearing detective. Bernard was now also looking at him.


"I think you guys should come over to my place for dinner later tonight." Tobias pulled a business card from his front pocket and carefully placed it on Bernard's desk. "Call first. Later, guys!" he smiled, and walked back to his desk. Bernard and Carter shot each other a look, then simultaneously looked at the card, then back at each other.


"Weird mannerisms, fancy suit, expensive-looking business card... I'm telling ya, I'm getting a serious Patrick Bateman vibe from that guy."


Carter chuckled. "Tobias is alright. You're just mistrusting of anyone who doesn't seem rotten on the surface."


Bernard shrugged, releasing another smokey circle. "Why wouldn't I be? It's unnatural." He sighed deeply, pressing the lit cigarillo stub into the end of his desk. "Let's get this garbage over with." he got up and stretched, cracking his back loudly. Carter stared at him.


"It's not right, you know. I mean yeah, you shouldn't have pulled your gun, but-"


"It's alright," the older detective replied. "I knew this was gonna happen."


Carter got up as well and they walked towards the entrance, which was now blocked by the three detectives who had been playing poker earlier.


Carter and Bernard stopped short, and looked over to the chief's office which was open and had the chief himself leaning in the doorway with his arms folded and a half smirk on his face. He shrugged, and Bernard rolled his eyes as he took his gun out of his side holster. He handed it to the tanned man with stitches on his forehead and walked through. Carter mumbled "Sorry Mac" to the same man and followed his partner.


The hallways seemed darker than usual, and the humidity clung to the atmosphere.


"Wait, so are you suspended, or..."


Bernard scoffed loudly at the question, and maybe, for no reason, at his partner as well. "It's just a power play. He knows I have another one anyway."


As they entered the elevator, Carter wondered whether or not that answered his question, and how messed up
everything was, and what sort of dinner would be waiting for them later at Tobias' place.

cdr112
September 16th, 2014, 04:11 PM
Really enjoyed reading this. I found the dialogue between the characters to flow well and seem natural. I'm very interested in reading more and following this thread through to the end of the story.

hvysmker
September 17th, 2014, 04:39 AM
Okay, so I've been racking my brain figuring out which of my stories to finish. I have a 3 long ones mapped out and this is one of them; I think it's the most cohesive of them so far with a pretty clear plot and outline in my mind. This is a rough first draft so there's a few mistakes and the formatting isn't the best, but hey, just to give you a gist of it.


So yeah, basically I just want to know if this is something that captures your attention and makes you want to know more and keep reading! Any other suggestions, comments or such are always welcome as well of course!


---------------------


On an otherwise fairly uneventful day in the middle of an Edgedale April, two policemen were involved in one of the town's ugliest pursuits.
*** Where's or what is Edgedale? Not nitpicking. It might be a city in the US or another country. It might be an institution, or even a school. Giving a country or state is preferable but even “city of Edgedale” would give a better mental picture. That picture is especially crucial in a “hook”.


Numerous little children were left crying and in shock after the chase forced itself through a schoolyard, massive amounts of property were damaged as it continued past the town's Black Market, and even the end of it saw numerous privately-owned vehicles and, oddly enough, public garbage cans, demolished.
*** Sorta a runaway sentence, a comma splice. I, like most readers and computers, can parse only a short line, like eighty characters. My mind reads in that approx. Amount, then goes through that memory location, breaking it apart to make sense of it. 307 characters is far too long. I'd split it after “schoolyard”, and “Black Market”. My tiny mind could handle that last 108 char.


"Can you believe it?", Bernard said with a chuckle. "Good old Chuckie. Man. I mean, I knew McNamara was on the take, but Chuckie?!"
*** I'm not sure if you're British or American. That first comma outside the quotes throws me. I don't think you use both a comma AND a question mark in the same sentence, though. I'm certain you shouldn't be using two end-of-sentence characters (?!) at the same time. Only one is allowed.


He scooped up a spoonful of steaming chili and lunged at it with his mouth, dropping half a bean on the diner table in the process.
*** dinner ? Or are they eating in a “diner”? It's confusing.


The diner, a favorite of the duo's, was quiet.
*** Good. It is a diner. Maybe adding something like, “sitting as far from the large picture window as possible,” would eliminate confusion. I go a lot by mental pictures. And no cop sits where he could be an easy target.


Even after the spectacular chase these detectives were involved in not a full twenty-four hours earlier, the general populace fostered an enduring apathy that could, if need be, weather a bona fide storm of scandals.*
*** Another one I'd split. Your story, though. I'd see if anyone else mentions it.


Slowed down but ever resolute, Carter persisted. "Still. He wasn't a lethal threat."
*** In a real sense, Carter is correct. Being trained in police procedure, another cop can be difficult to collar. He'd expect hesitation and maybe take advantage of it. He's more likely than a common criminal to have a backup weapon. He's also had a lot more training in using it than the average citizen.




Back to the chili with another shrug.
"I shot him in the leg. He'll live."
*** Right. Leg or head. You can assume a cop would be wearing a vest.


He pointed at his partner with each word to emphasize; "'how you do things'."
*** Whooo! Philadelphia?


Bernard cracked his neck. "The rulebook is made for a specific game; once that game has changed completely, that book goes out the window."
*** Is Bernard supposed to be in Internal Affairs? I'd think they had more respect for the rules.


The two detectives stood there; the big one smoking a cherry-flavored cigarillo and the fit one drawing puffs from his electronic cigarette, in front of a musty old sedan.
*** Yeaaah. A best seller. I also use an e-cig, have for years.


The building itself seemed quite healthy and not very old at all; it had gotten a fresh coat of paint within the last year and looked much better than the rest of the neighborhood.




Inside, the ground floor echoed that sentiment with a nice, fresh look that would, presumably, instill confidence in anyone in need of the services provided here.
*** there. Here is present tense.


Carter grinned the whole time as they walked from their desks to the chief's office, and his smile grew even wider after Bernard punched him in the shoulder before they entered.




The chief stared at the directly as they entered.
*** them


Carter's face lost all color, Bernard scoffed then shook his head, and the chief continued uninterrupted.
"I want you guys to play nice. Carter, say you're sorry for tackling him so roughly."
*** I noticed this before. You shouldn't go to the next line for that dialogue line. Start it right after “uninterrupted”.


"It was a clothesline spear", Bernard mumbled.
*** Comma should be inside quotes.


Apologize to Greene; He should be out of his morphine coma by now.
*** Uh, uh. Either use a small “he” or a period after “Greene”.


"Maletski", the chief added before the detectives exited, "your gun."
*** Comma should be inside quotes.


"Wait, so are you suspended, or..."
*** I'm not surprised. In many jurisdictions it's normal to take a weapon that was used in any kind of shootout for tests and put the officer on desk duty for awhile. It's only a formality.


The story evolved well and hung together. I didn't see any logic errors. Other mistakes and assumed mistakes are only my interpretation and not necessarily correct. Observations and suggestions are my own and I'd love compensation, he-he.


Charlie

ActionHeroTrainee
September 24th, 2014, 04:24 PM
Hopefully this doesn't come across as too harsh. I'm really a nice guy.

You can go to a fan fiction site where hundreds of people have contributed stories about Batman or Dr Who or whatever. Imagine you're working for some big publishing company and you have a hundred manuscripts on your desk and your job is to find the good ones. Before long you'll find yourself perusing the first paragraph, clicking the back button, and moving on to the next until you run across one that looks like it might have potential.

I'm sure most of these people think they wrote good stories. Maybe some of them did. I'll never know.

So, on to your story.

I won't be commenting on the whole section you posted because my primary concern is the first paragraph or two. You hit the nail on the head when you mentioned wanting the story to capture our attention and make us want to keep reading. That all happens in the first paragraph (in general), and specifically in the first sentance. It doesn't matter if you've poured your heart and soul into a book, created the most intereting characters in literary history, around some amazing story, with a really shiny plot twist on page 93 if nobody bothers to read it.


Your first paragraph could use some work. Instead of being drawn in to the story at the beginning I felt like I was put in an office chair and spun around until I was too dizy to stand. Instead of asking "what's next?" I was asking "what the heck did I just read?" There's nothing wrong with supplying the reader with information, but not all up front. It's too much to digest. Edgedale. April. Pursuit. Two cops. Schoolyard. Children crying. Children traumatized. Cars wrecked. Trash cans wrecked. A Black Market. (Actually, the Black Market reference caused a lot of confusion. More on that later, unless I forget to address it.) Telephones ringing, etc, etc, etc. I'm not going to be interested in a story in which I have to read every paragraph twice.

It would have been perfect for a screenplay, but not for a novel.

My kids have learned that on the rare occasion they ask my advice on anything, they always specify they want the short version. "I don't need to know the history of rubber plantations in Burma, I just want to know if you think this tire looks okay."


So, how could your beginning be better? I won't presume to tell you I have the answer and my answer is the only right one, but I'd be happy to make some suggestions and see if YOU think it becomes more readable.

In the first line, you refer to "one of the town's ugliest pursuits". Maybe it's just me, but I found the word "ugliest" to be odd there. Dramatic, destructive, costly, even embarassing, but "ugliest" was just confusing for me. Maybe you chose the word deliberatly to get the reader to wondering what it was all about. It just struck me as odd, but then maybe it's because of the way the sentance was structured in the first place.
 
In my opinion, you could leave out the fact it's an otherwise uneventful day and it's also April. Leave it out of the first line I mean. If any of that has anything to do with the plot, let it be known later, but there it's just distracting from what the reader needs to see to be hooked.
 
 
Perhaps this would grab their attention a little quicker:

It was the ugliest pursuit in the history of the Edgedale Police Department.
 
The description of the pursut might belong, but again it looks like you just typed what came to mind without giving much thought to how it flowed. "Numerous little children were left crying and in shock after the chase forced itself through a schoolyard" is long enough for one sentance without adding black markets and trash cans. As you were typing it probably felt like turning the entire pursuit into one long sentance would convey the drama and mayhem, but I think it just adds to the confusion of the reader. Great for a screenplay, not for a novel.
 
Maybe see if you can rework that sentance to make it any better. I'm not saying there's anything "wrong" with it, but can it be reworded to be just as dramatic but easier to read? Do you need the word "numerous"? Do you need to point out they're little children? Could you bring the reader a little deeper into the story by giving the school a name? A name that tells you it's an elementary school, so we know the children are small?
 
By the grace of God - and the everlasting relief of city officials - no one was injured when the pursuit took a detour across the grounds of Edgewood Elementary during recess.
 
The reader can probably fill in the blanks, but if you need to mention it, you might add counselors from other schools would be brought in the following day to help the children deal with the emotional trauma.
 
Phones ringing. Yep, that's a given, too. But, having read ahead a little and knowing who was being pursued, maybe something like this?
 
The 911 system was swamped with calls, but that was nothing compared to the calls the Chief's office would get after the dust settled.

So, not saying I have all the answers, but maybe take a look at this and see if it looks promising:
 
**************

It was the ugliest pursuit in the history of the Edgedale Police Department. Along with the usual cars sideswiped and trash cans crumpled, the pursuit took a more dramatic turn -- through the grounds of Edgedale Elemetary. During recess. It was only by the grace of God - and to the everlasting relief of parents, school, and city officials - that no one was injured. The 911 system was swamped with calls, but that was nothing compared to the calls the Chief's office would get after the dust settled. It was the ugliest pursuit in the history of the Edgedale Police Department, because the guys being pursued were cops.

ActionHeroTrainee
September 24th, 2014, 06:10 PM
My opinion (for what it's worth) part deux:

After getting past the first paragraph, I did indeed start getting into the story. Along with fixing all the things hvysmker pointed out, I think you should just read it and read it again and see where things could be worded a little better.

For instance, "The diner, a favorite of the duo's, was quiet." Why not "The duo's favorite diner was quiet." A little less labor-intensive for the reader, who should be able to figure out you're not talking about the diner across town they chose not to eat at because they were in the mood for noise.

The duo's favorite diner was quiet. It always as that time of day.

or

They ate at the Roma Diner because they knew it would be quiet.

Nobody eats lunch until 2:00? I guess I was assuming the story took place in the USofA, but maybe not. It sounds terribly ethnocentric of me, but that's my default setting unless I'm told otherwise. So maybe, like hvy said, some mention of where it's taking place would be useful?

All these are small things I know, but they add up. I think it's the beginning of an interesting story, so it should be pursued. I also realize you pointed out it wasn't the polished version, just something to throw out to see if it got anyones attention. HOWEVER, that lack of polish is the very thing that would distract the reader and make him or her uninterested in reading. So, before you post any more of the story, maybe take a little more time to clean it up before sticking it out there.

One last thing -- think about the realism of what's happening. Is this a modern realistic setting, not Gotham City, or Blade Runner. I get that it's a place with a lot of corruption in high places, but there are still procedures. And I can't imagine a place where the public would be apathetic about such an incident 24 hours later, even if it was science fiction.

JamesR
October 11th, 2014, 09:53 PM
I can't find a single criticism with your story, but I will compliment it and say that I found the dialogue to seem superb. It just felt really real and flowed so naturally. This is in stark contrast to many other stories where dialogue between characters is awkward and seems unnatural.

CJ Tomlinson
October 17th, 2014, 12:50 PM
Thank you all for the constructive feedback!

CDR112: Thank you, glad you like it!

hysmkr: Thank you! Yeah, punctuation and spacing get the best of me sometimes. I'm not in a country where English is the main language at all, so I think I need some more practice with the finer points and pinning down a specific type. My spoken English is kind of the same; my accent flows from different states (even though I've only visited a few, ha).

Anyway, really good points and very helpful insights! I think I might actually have to compensate you, haha! No but seriously, if I finish this I'll need a proofreader with some knowledge like that... hmmm...

Thanks again!

ActionHeroTrainee: Yeah, I think that was one of my main concerns; there's only a few parts of this story that I would say really stand out, most notably the ending, which makes it hard to make it seem like something worth reading. Even the summary, with words like "detective story, corrupt cops" etc. makes it sound highly overdone. Which it kind of is, but I think I'll finish it more as kind of a writing exercise for myself than anything else.

Where I come from (which is not the USA, just highly influenced by them), things are actually not that far off from the story. A big part of the story is the way the citizens seem to not care, or only become negative during/after incidents like this in a small, petty way (rumors, badmouthing victims, and not much in the way of "we want justice!"). I specifically wanted to just mention The City and not where the city is, to as to kind of give a vibe of "well it could be here, but then again maybe not". Or maybe alternate universe. Meh.

I think another problem is that I pernosally actually like reading chunkier, meatier texts, even if it is more confusing. Of course generally that's not what people like to read, so I guess my problem is translating it from what I want to read to what the general public would like to read, plus on top of that work on my punctuation and stuff. So separating the way I like to read and what I write is kind of going to be an issue.


Anyway, thank you very much for the tips and comments and I will take this all into account when I rewrite!


JamesR: Thanks! Yeah, dialog seems to be the one thing I rule at writing, which is especially hilarious since I'm the quietest of introverts, ha!

Mr. Blue
October 17th, 2014, 06:10 PM
Your dialogue is spectacular! Keep writing it! The only thing I wish I could have from this is more! I love your short interactions with people like the waitress. If you continue showing people acting in mockery or disgust or apathy of the cops, it'll flesh out your story more. I know it's easy to just say that no one really cared, but I think your story would benefit more from people actually interacting with the duo in a discussion about the events of the prior day, or in some other meaningful manner besides: "Even after the spectacular chase these detectives were involved in not a full twenty-four hours earlier, the general populace fostered an enduring apathy that could, if need be, weather a bona fide storm of scandals."