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View Full Version : Bad Seed Chapter 5 (short/language warning)



cdr112
September 15th, 2014, 07:03 PM
I walked into my apartment feeling exhausted. The adrenaline dump along with the stress of the days happenings had me worn out. I was trying to be as alert as I could, I was carrying a gun I had basically stolen from Trey's place and that phone call had me on edge. The last damn thing I needed was to get busted with a gun I'd stolen from the house of a guy believed to be dead. Dead. I still couldn't get my mind around it. Was he really gone?

I pulled the gun from my pants and sat it on the kitchen table. I was about three quarters of the way to the chair when I heard...

"Hello Spence." The dark voice said. I managed to only get one ass cheek on the chair sending myself to the floor in a panic. It was the voice from the phone. Once I got a look at the man on my couch I knew he was the man in the hat and glasses. He sat with his legs comfortably crossed and his hands folded in his lap. I made a move towards the gun.

"There's no need for that Spence, your life's not in danger...yet.... But I do need to talk to you about Trey." He calmly talked to me as if he were teaching an English class.

"Trey's been missing, I haven't seen him and I don't know where he is." I replied trying to keep my voice from shaking. This guy had a disturbing presence about him.

He sat across the room looking into my eyes almost like he was reading my thoughts.

"I need to know what Trey told you about the string of murders from the last 8 months."

"Listen sir.." His demeanor commanded respect "...Trey never mentioned anything like that to me."

He held a look of displeasure.

"I'm going to ask you one more time Spence...What has Trey told you about the string of murders from the last eight months?"
My mind was scrambled shit and all that came out of my mouth was...

"He asked me if I'd ever killed anybody or at least thought about it...that was just a few days ago...nothing else...I swear!" The high pitch voice made an appearance.

"Well?" he asked

"Well what?" I replied

"Have you?" he grinned as he asked the question.

"No..I'm no killer..what kind of person could just murder peo.."

His expression told me more than I needed to know.

"Who are you?" I asked

"I work for a very wealthy citizen that is interested in finding the person that murdered his son, I've been tasked with tracking this person down and making him pay for what he's done...furthermore I have come to find that your friend Mr Falls is most likely the person I'm looking for."

"You're saying Trey killed someone in cold blood?....no way man..it's not possible...he's not that kind of guy..I don't believe it."

My head was spinning.

"Regardless of what you believe, these are the facts." He quietly stated.

"When I find your friend I will kill him."

"Maybe you haven't heard pal, but he's been missing for a week...looks like somebody beat you to it." I informed him in my best movie tough guy voice.

"I'm very confident your friend is hiding somewhere and I'll find him...I bid you good day...I hope we don't have to ever meet again." he flatly offered.

"Me too." That was all I could come up with..me too.

He walked out of my door without looking back. I picked myself up off the floor and sat in the chair. I was still trying to piece together what the fuck just happened. How in the hell did I get in the middle of all this? As I sat at the table all I could think about was Trey being a killer and now hiding out, then the phone rang.

talmaflower
September 16th, 2014, 04:27 PM
I'm really liking this! It definitely makes me want to keep reading!

hvysmker
September 17th, 2014, 05:08 PM
Sorry, cdr112. I'm new here and hesitate taking on a novel until better acclimated to the site. I figure that any errors, or perceived errors, I find in chapter five will also be in the previous ones. One chapter won't make me aware of all the complexities of a novel, but will show your writing style. Of course, I'll make allowances for not having complete understanding of the characters and plot.
Charlie
-----------------


I was trying to be as alert as I could, I was carrying a gun I had basically stolen from Trey's place and that phone call had me on edge.
*** Looks to me like two sentences joined by a comma. I'd split them?


The last damn thing I needed was to get busted with a gun I'd stolen from the house of a guy believed to be dead. Dead. I still couldn't get my mind around it. Was he really gone?
*** I'd make that last “Dead” an exclamation for emphasis? The exclamation point would slow a reader down so that they noticed the one word.

I pulled the gun from my pants and sat it on the kitchen table. I was about three quarters of the way to the chair when I heard...
*** I notice a repeated use of the word, “gun”. Now, it may be just me, but it annoys me in two ways. One, the repetition when there are alternate words and terms you can use. Two, I want to know more about the “gun”. Maybe you explained earlier, but as a gun nut, I'm curious. All it takes is a quick Google to sound like you're an expert. For instance, “a S&W .38cal Official Police revolver.” All us ex-military and hunters would rejoice in, “My god. He knows what he's talking about.” The alternate is for them to think, “Oy. Another of those guys what doesn't know nothing about what he's writing.” When I buy a novel, the first thing I do is leaf through it. If a cop or military novel, I'll be looking for such things. I'd feel more comfortable buying a novel written by someone I judge as being more expert than to use the generic, “gun”.

"Hello Spence." The dark voice said. I managed to only get one ass cheek on the chair sending myself to the floor in a panic.
*** Badly need comma or hyphen or something after “chair”. Is the “ass cheek” or the “chair” sending him to the floor in a panic? How about something like, “......voice said, that comment out of nowhere causing me to spin around in a mild panic.” Since you don't mention getting up afterwards, the part about the chair and falling seems out of place.


"There's no need for that Spence, your life's not in danger...yet....
*** A missing comma after “that”. It sounds like there's more than one “Spence.” Which Spence? That Spence. Also, I'd split the sentence after “Spence”?


"Trey's been missing, I haven't seen him and I don't know where he is." I replied trying to keep my voice from shaking.
*** comma after “where he is”?
This guy had a disturbing presence about him.

He sat across the room looking into my eyes almost like he was reading my thoughts.
*** You got yourself a comma problem. You need one here after “room”. Without the comma, it sounds like room was looking into his eyes. In fact, two of them. The other after “eyes”.

"Listen sir.." His demeanor commanded respect "...Trey never mentioned anything like that to me."
*** The entire sentence needs work. Let me show you. It's easier than pointing out all errors.
"Listen sir." His demeanor commanded respect. "Trey never mentioned anything like that to me."
The reason is that “His demeanor......” is not a speech tag, only an observation.

He held a look of displeasure.

"I'm going to ask you one more time Spence...
*** Need a comma after “time”.


"I work for a very wealthy citizen that is interested in finding the person that murdered his son, I've been tasked with tracking
*** Split the sentence after “son”? A sentence should be a complete thought. This one contains two of them. First is about the murder, the second on tracking. It's a comma splice. Not an error, per se, but bad form. I can see it being used under some circumstances....
“Ellen,” her mother said in a growling voice, “where were you last night?”
“I .... I ... Well ... I went to the movie with Jimmy, McDs for a burger, met Julie, stopped to talk, we cuddled a little, didn't do anything bad, the condom broke.” It shows frustration.


this person down and making him pay for what he's done...furthermore I have come to find that your friend Mr Falls is most likely the person I'm looking for."
*** Several distinct sentences here and no reason to run them together.

"Regardless of what you believe, these are the facts." He quietly stated.
*** “quietly stated IS a speech tag. That means comma instead of period and a small “H” with he.

"When I find your friend I will kill him."

"Maybe you haven't heard pal, but he's been missing for a week...looks like somebody beat you to it." I informed him in my best movie tough guy voice.

"I'm very confident your friend is hiding somewhere and I'll find him...I bid you good day...I hope we don't have to ever meet again." he flatly offered.
*** I'm kind of mixed up with that exchange. I can see the protagonist being flustered, but not the visiter. That's all assuming the Ellipses indicate pauses?

As I sat at the table all I could think about was Trey being a killer and now hiding out, then the phone rang.
*** Oh! So he was on the floor all that time. I didn't catch that. Why not? Seriously, if I didn't notice, many other readers won't. Maybe you should indicate that fact better within the story. Somewhere in there mention something like, “Looking through table legs, I could see the sole of one brown shoe as he talked.” Or, “I took time to scoot around the table on my ass to get a better look.”
As to this sentence, need another comma, he-he. One after “table”.


Needs some work and I didn't read all the chapters, but it sounds like a good action story. The protagonist seems like a klutz, clumsy and awkward. First thing, though, is I'd fix the “gun” thing. Really, a lot of readers will notice. Someone writing this sort of story should really either know his firearms or at least give the appearance. All it takes is a modicum of research. Google for “revolvers” for instance. Then click on a website and you'll find all kinds of fancy desciptions.


Keep it going.
Charlie