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Fivetide
September 9th, 2014, 03:40 PM
*I thought I would just jump in and hope for some feedback, there’s no point in me writing continually if I’m making obvious mistakes all the time.


The tiny girl skipped merrily across the arid floor, pink striped plimsolls with oversized shoe laces kicked up swirling mini dust clouds.
She suddenly stopped, placing hands upon knees, head bowed. Two waist length blonde pigtails tied with pink stripe ribbons, swayed lethargically.
“I know you’re here”, a childish voice proclaimed, “you know you can’t hide from me?”
The girl looked around, pale blue eyes scanning the landscape. She cocked her head from side to side as if listening for a pets bark, then with a small hand, reached to her freckled face and wrinkled an itchy button nose. “So there you are?” She giggled.
She continued her skipping towards a small lake. Kneeling down in the sandy soil at its edge, she began to pat the glutinous black liquid which filled it. “Hello, hello Mr naughty”. Once again she waited, listening for a reply. “Mr naughty I know you’re there, don’t let me get angry with you”.
A pallid yellow sun shone from a purple sky and reflected in the Onyx coloured liquid.
The tiny girl straightened up still kneeling and folded her arms, “you really are a naughty little robot aren’t you?”
Just then ripples appeared, seeming to emanate from the sun’s reflection, the ground around the girl started to vibrate, small pebbles hopped up and down excited by an unseen force.
She stood, unfolded her arms and brushed dust from her pink striped bustled dress.
The lake’s dark viscous liquid, began to froth and then appeared to boil. The ripples turning to small waves, became larger and taller, when suddenly the surface exploded like an enormous geyser. The lakes oily liquid cascaded down like waterfalls from the mountain that had suddenly appeared at its centre. A pair of bright red Demon-like eyes burst open, arms began to spread wide along with two enormous black bat type wings. The monster obscured the suns timid rays, its shadow enveloping the tiny child.
The little girl arched her back in an attempt to take in the full sight of this massive, dull black, monolithic creature. She began to jump up and down, dress and ponytails bouncing, clapping her minute pale hands in excitement, “I knew you were in there all along, I was just playing with you”.
The steel titan eyes now blazed with anger, fists clenched, it lent back letting out a world shattering roar. Its sheer power rocked the nearby mountain causing a huge landslide to tumble down its sloped face. Enormous yellow boulders crashed to the ground splitting the floor with the force of an earthquake, steam rose from the lands fresh scars.
The pink clad infant just stood impassively staring up into the eyes of the beast. “Who’s a grumpy Bear then?”
The giant monster suddenly shifted, pointing a clenched metal gauntlet down at her, it instantly turned bright yellow and a powerful bolt of energy struck where she stood. A massive explosion threw up a plume of dust and rubble, like a volcanic eruption. As the impact zone cleared, the Demon stared intensely at its handy work, as if looking for something or a sign.
“Now that wasn’t nice, bad.. bad robot”, chided the girl’s voice, she appeared around a rock close to the lakes edge, then skipped out and stood looking back at him, arms folded, shoulders bunched and a face like thunder. She tapped the sand with a delicate foot, pink shoe laces swished with the effort, “now don’t let me have to….” Her sentence was instantly interrupted by another blinding flash of energy.
The Demon saw the girl appear from behind an outcrop of boulders, and once again let loose a bolt of death in her direction, they disappeared along with the child, evaporated by the glowing energy. At the instance the fireball denoted, she once again appeared from around another rock. With lightning speed he shot again, and again, but each time the girl had moved, he continued the onslaught until they were both surrounded by a dense cloud of dust, and landscape pitted with enormous smouldering craters.
The world eater, slowly folded its wings and crossed its arms, then lowered itself back into the black lake until all that could be seen of it, were the two red eyes, now dimming to a pale light.
As the dust settled the monster looked upon the little girl, sitting on the lakeside, legs crossed, elbows on knees. Holding her face in her hands, she gently rocked a cherub like head from side to side, golden ponytails swinging, the giant ribbons fluttering like enormous pink butterflies.
She waved a chastising finger at the semi submerged head, “have you quite finished with your little tantrum?” She asked in a high pitched voice, “is naughty robot going to play nice now?”
It searched for the missing self-destruct mechanism, like an infant tonguing the gap where a freshly dislodged tooth had been.
Once it had been the centrepiece of an unstoppable army, a world crushing machine of destruction, leaving nothing but dust in its wake and spreading fear to those who were lucky enough to survive. After its escape it had found this remote planet way off the known routes of travellers. For many millennia, the metal titan had remained dormant, hidden at the bottom of the lake in a self-imposed prison of liquid. But now it had been discovered and awakened, and furious at the one that had found it.
It knew the little child sitting out there, and watched with seething eyes as the girl started to play with a brightly coloured plastic tea set, which it noted, had appeared from nowhere.
The death machine knew anger, and after many thousands of year’s of existence, believed that a sense of sadness may also have developed, much to the consternation of its makers, if they still existed. Now it thought, that’s what I’m feeling, I’m defiantly sad.
There was no escape, it knew that, and was resigned, if that was what it felt, to whatever came next.
Before it had been enslaved the Demon had searched the universe looking for its own death, but all the search had produced was the demise of billions of innocents, whole systems laid to waste, races expunged from the universe. Now the torture would begin again, the harbinger of its fate playing like a child in front of him. But he knew behind the fašade, a deranged mind controlled this innocent looking avatar. He would be forced to revert to his original nature and with it would return the unspeakable horrors.
A puppet in the hands of an insane master, a weapon used to smash any enemy the manipulator chose.
She held the Orange teapot in a tiny hand, “would you like to play mother?” She asked with an angelic smile upon her face.

Misty Mirrors
September 10th, 2014, 12:15 AM
Very descriptive.

Fivetide
September 10th, 2014, 05:16 PM
Very descriptive.

A little more feedback might be helpfull lol

mrmustard615
September 10th, 2014, 05:29 PM
Okay three things.

1) I'm not much of a critic in the classic sense. I can only real tell you if I like it or not (For the record I do.). Hopefully one of the more experienced readers can give you a more detailed critique.

2) Write continually, even if you are making mistakes. It's the only way you will get better.

3) Now for your excerpt. I really like the story of the little girl stupefying the robot/demon/monster. I'm curious is the demon supposed to be the little girl's mother? Is it some other sort of metaphor?
Whatever it is I sense quite a bit of mystery in this piece. I still get a kick on this mischievous little girl besting the evil demon.


In any event keep writing. Good luck.

Fivetide
September 10th, 2014, 05:45 PM
Okay three things.

1) I'm not much of a critic in the classic sense. I can only real tell you if I like it or not (For the record I do.). Hopefully one of the more experienced readers can give you a more detailed critique.

2) Write continually, even if you are making mistakes. It's the only way you will get better.

3) Now for your excerpt. I really like the story of the little girl stupefying the robot/demon/monster. I'm curious is the demon supposed to be the little girl's mother? Is it some other sort of metaphor?
Whatever it is I sense quite a bit of mystery in this piece. I still get a kick on this mischievous little girl besting the evil demon.


In any event keep writing. Good luck.

mrmustard615 , thank you very much for the review and it was really helpfull. When I wrote the piece I really didn't think of it as a metaphor but your correct, now I think about it that's how without knowing anything else about the story it comes across as. What I suppose I really was aiming for was a paradigm shift, where you set off thinking about this fragile child encountering an evil destructive force only later to realise that it is the Demon that is enslaved by the child.
Once again thank you very much for your feedback its the kind of thing I've been looking for and it really helps me take a look at my writing style and see where I can attempt to improve things.

ak2190
September 10th, 2014, 06:51 PM
The repeated use of "tiny" sounds a little bit obtrusive to me. I think it's the placement. Maybe you can show she is tiny by using other descriptors like emphasizing how oversized her shoes are or by comparing her to something in the environment (like the demon). I think the dialogue tells us she is young and small anyway, but I get the you want to emphasize it.

Fivetide
September 10th, 2014, 08:24 PM
The repeated use of "tiny" sounds a little bit obtrusive to me. I think it's the placement. Maybe you can show she is tiny by using other descriptors like emphasizing how oversized her shoes are or by comparing her to something in the environment (like the demon). I think the dialogue tells us she is young and small anyway, but I get the you want to emphasize it.

Thanks ak2190 now I look at it yes I over use the tiny word, I have that in mind when I re write it :)

John Galt
September 11th, 2014, 05:07 PM
I like the concept.
But:
You used a lot of long sentences, which can be distracting; be careful when using "then" and several commas.

You used quite a few adverbs (least desirable of which being "suddenly" and "instantly") which I think you should cut out; not indiscriminately, though. Cut out a few, at least. Use stronger verbs.

Fivetide
September 11th, 2014, 05:58 PM
Thanks John .. love the feedback I'm getting , this is what I'm here for :)