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Miles-Kirk
September 9th, 2014, 02:40 AM
The moon shone down upon the open grassy plains of Minerva. Outside the city walls, the dwellers listened to the wind's eloquently whistled tunes. The city's boundaries towered above us, fresh rubble crumbled to the ground, casting shards of rock and sandstone upon the forgotten people. It was a dangerous place to live on the outskirts. Any number of creatures could, on a whim, decide you were their next meal.

But the moon, the moon was just an amazing piece of intricate filigree shown for the whole world to see. Fine art, yet unappreciated. I forgot about the world for just a moment, losing myself in the deep colours and textures of its surface. I never strayed far enough to lose it out of my sights. The light cascaded over my skin, and I caressed myself upon the cheek, feeling its warmth in delusion. I wondered if the moon were lonely, and craved companionship. I gazed upon its craters and imagined eyes that loomed over me, watching intently. I am yours, devout. My hands clasped together in prayer, ever faithful.

The forest behind me was eerily silent, yet my ears and all other senses betrayed me, for just a second. I felt the warm breath, and the sound of heavy panting when the jaws enclosed around my neck. I took one last glance upon the moon, wishing I could be one of its loyal stars reborn.

TKent
September 9th, 2014, 03:22 AM
Great job!

Cool twist at the end! I didn't see that one coming! Should have paid better attention to the title...

Such lovely description. I am trying to learn from you and others in that area!

my only suggestions are 1.) check for tense changes, I see a couple, and 2.) the word 'garbage' felt too bulky, harsh, something. Is there another word that might fight more smoothly here? Just a suggestion, take it with a grain of salt!

Miles-Kirk
September 9th, 2014, 04:07 AM
Thanks TKent, as you may of guessed, tense changes are my major downfall. I shall fine comb it when I get chance. :D

Kieran S
September 9th, 2014, 06:37 AM
Good stuff - congrats.

A small thing, but I'd remove the 'The' at the start of the second sentence. It just feels a bit bulky after the first sentence also started with 'The...'

Overall, there's a living-in-the-gutter-but-looking-at-the-stars feel, with what turns out to be prey waxing very lyrically about the moon. I don't know if anyone living in such dangerous conditions would have the luxury of developing such a vocabulary. Obviously, I say this only to prompt discussion/thought...

Miles-Kirk
September 9th, 2014, 02:54 PM
Good stuff - congrats.

A small thing, but I'd remove the 'The' at the start of the second sentence. It just feels a bit bulky after the first sentence also started with 'The...'

Overall, there's a living-in-the-gutter-but-looking-at-the-stars feel, with what turns out to be prey waxing very lyrically about the moon. I don't know if anyone living in such dangerous conditions would have the luxury of developing such a vocabulary. Obviously, I say this only to prompt discussion/thought...

That is a good point, Kieran. I think the world of Minerva is a place where danger is always prevalent, and that they educate themselves as best they can rather than living in fear. I may expand the world of Minerva and tackle such an issue, one day. Thanks for the food for thought. :D

Fivetide
September 9th, 2014, 03:15 PM
I liked the atmosphere and the twist at the end, very brutal and sudden, I’m not criticising your work when I do this, I merely read something and attempt to compress it without losing any meaning, it’s a writer’s exercise out of a book I’m reading.
So this is my take on one of your sentences, please don’t be offended and I’m not saying I’m right at all.

Wind whistled through the trees, playing an eloquent tune to the dwellers that resided in dwellings outside of the city walls


- Outside the city walls, the dwellers listened to the winds eloquent whistling tunes.

Miles-Kirk
September 9th, 2014, 03:39 PM
That does flow a lot better, although, I may word it slightly differently.
Outside the city walls, the dwellers listened to the winds eloquently whistled tunes.

I think that flows a tiny bit better, thanks for the advice. :D

Fivetide
September 9th, 2014, 04:09 PM
That does flow a lot better, although, I may word it slightly differently.
Outside the city walls, the dwellers listened to the winds eloquently whistled tunes.

I think that flows a tiny bit better, thanks for the advice. :D

Excellent rework, I like it :) I'm really glad you took it as advice, I'm new to this and I'd hate to come across as critic.

TKent
September 9th, 2014, 04:44 PM
I thought your critique was spot on! That's why we put this stuff out there :)


Excellent rework, I like it :smile: I'm really glad you took it as advice, I'm new to this and I'd hate to come across as critic.

sloonzz
September 12th, 2014, 04:54 AM
This is some good work.
I love how vivid and smooth your descriptions are. It really grabs attention and focus into what's happening. I'm struggling with putting into words physical and emotional descriptions like that so it's refreshing to see someone do it right.