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mukesh
September 5th, 2014, 08:57 AM
“I was wondering to tell you this since a long time Smruti, I LOVE U.” I finally pushed the words out of my mouth. She gave me a long gaze, as if I had told her that Santa really existed.

“This is not sudden...I was wondering to tell you this since the day we shared our tiffin at school, since we flunked the class to see a movie together and got caught, since we made our first science project and fought over who will keep the prize, since the day you cried on my shoulder when your pet parrot flew away..” I was unstoppable.

Whoa, I have a really good memory. I thought.

She was still looking at me as if I was speaking in Mandarin and she was trying really hard to understand my words.

“...and since the day you wore that Blue Chudidar and asked me if someday someone shall fall in love with you. I fought hard not to tell you that I love you from the depth of my heart and will be always for you. I always wanted to say you that...” I made a pause to sneeze so hard that I banged my head into the mirror and my dream run came to a halt.

Bloody hell, I will never be able to tell her.

I came out of the washroom of my college and started to walk slowly towards the Placement Cell. I had mustered courage a long ago to tell her about my feelings but somehow my mind said that with a job I had a better chance.

Typical Indian.

“Vinay, your number is up.” Satish screamed

I woke up from my dream and realised. Fear seeped into my heart that it started thumping loudly. I started to run towards the Placement Cell with all the energy. TCS was organising an interview for Final Year Engineering students and I was next to enter the dungeon. I reached the door of the interview room and looked around. My friends were furiously absorbed in their notes and books as if their lives depended on it. And truly it was. All the thoughts of Smruti had made me forget to look into any notes and I was clueless. I tried to remember the notes that I studied earlier but all I could remember was her face.

I was screwed.

I entered the interview room to find three guys staring at me intently. I was too scared to even speak anything. I was looking for a clue to speak but there was none.

“Good morning everyone. I am Vinay Tyagi.” I finally blurted out.

“Good. So you can speak. Huh!!” a smart looking guy on the right said and smirked.

“Why don’t you sit down?” an elderly looking man in the middle spoke

“Th...Thank You Sir” I pulled the chair to sit down as it made a sharp noise scratching itself on the floor.

All of them who were absorbed in looking into my resume looked up with a disapproving look. I managed to pick up the chair and sit down with the efficiency of a mouse.

“I am Rajesh, Campus Location Manager of TCS, the one sitting in middle is Mr. Sangram and the gentlemen on your left is Mr. Ashutosh” the guy in the right introduced

“Nice to meet you all” I spoke up

“So let’s start, why don’t you introduce yourself Mr. Tyagi?” Mr. Sangram spoke with an efficient accent. He had probably been to foreign countries and picked it up.

I would love to take Smruti to foreign countries on our honeymoon.

“Hello everyone. I am Vinay Tyagi. I am basically from Odisha but I was born and brought up in Jamshedpur.” I started off with all the details that I could remember and organise. I wanted to tell them about Smruti but thought it was off-limits. After a gruelling half hour of questions and answers, I did fairly well to my surprise.

“Thank You Mr.Vinay. It was nice talking to you. Please wait outside for your results and wish you all the best.” Mr. Rajesh spoke

I shook hands with all of them and walked out the room. As if I had a date with a heroine, my friends surrounded me and asked me all the details.

“How was your interview? What did they ask?” Raj spoke with excitement in his eyes.

“Was it difficult? Will you get the job?” Seema asked.

“Which part of Syllabus are they more focusing on?” Anish, our nerd of the batch asked.

I tried to reply them but I was too focused on Smruti and the outcome of the meeting that was yet to happen. I gave them their answers and returned back to washroom to rehearse once again.

Perfectionist.

After 3 hours, our ugly looking college peon sticked the results on the notice board and I was 6th in the list. My heart leaped with joy and I swear to God if the college peon was a bit less ugly looking, I could have kissed him. I started to run towards the Girl’s Hostel opposite of our College Campus. I bought a packet of chocolates on the way and some flowers for her. I rehearsed again and again the dialogues in my mind that I was about to say.

I reached the gates and walked into the lobby of the hostel. It was deserted. I walked a bit further to hear the giggling of a girl. I stopped right there and turned to my left towards the sound.

“...really, I am so happy. I love you too” the girl with the giggling spoke excitedly.

I recognized the voice and the fear of unknown seeped into me. I walked slightly ahead to find a couple kissing each other. I had no reason to walk any further.

“I am the most lucky person on earth today.” Smruti was saying.

Silver
September 13th, 2014, 06:17 AM
Ah, you have to love the image of a guy trying to get up the courage to tell the woman of his dreams that he loves her. The emotions in this scene are quite clear and quite easy to identify with on a human level. I like his nerves and perfectionism, and that 'like' translates into me feeling for him at the end.

As I read this, I wondered if English is your second language. Some of the phrasing is a little strange. For instance 'girl with the giggling' as well as some of the dialogue. One of the best tips someone gave me was to read all of my work out loud. That will help you catch things that don't quite read as smoothly as you'd like them to.

I also recommend brushing up on editing, be it through classes, books or other sources you trust. While the piece is a draft, this is also a forum. Most - if not all - people who read your draft will do so on a screen. This makes readability - through punctuation, grammar and more - even more important. Punctuation can be just as indicative of what you're writing as the words you use to write it. For instance:

“Vinay, your number is up.” Satish screamed

The dialogue ends in a period, but you go on to use 'screamed'. The reader becomes confused because the punctuation doesn't match the verb you've used.

While I did stumble a little in reading this, I enjoyed the overall tone and the scene itself. Keep pecking away at this. It is a sweet scene that works well as the beginning of a romance.

BenjaminTaggart
December 26th, 2014, 07:48 AM
I think you could polish this up a bit more, edit some stuff in and out and it would be great!