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View Full Version : Short Intro - Reposted [384 words]



CasMerlyn(R)
September 3rd, 2014, 01:11 AM
This is a reposting of the previous intro with much more thought. The other one was done in 30 minutes without much concentration [doing other things].


Leaning back against the stone wall of the bathing pool, she breathed in the scent of lavender and rose. It was a rather spicy aroma, something rich and heavy to the senses and which promised to linger for hours after. Another time, another place YYX would have found herself relaxing to such a soothing scent. But now it filled her mind with such a yearning for home that she thought she was going to be sick.

Her mother had believed in the Old Ways. Every day YYY had burnt incense in tribute to the Gods. Lavender and lemongrass during the morning. Cassia and sandalwood when the sun was highest. There was myrrh at nighttime. Sometimes during birthdays, frankincense and even benzoin would be added. There wasn’t a day when the house was not so perfumed.

But that wasn’t to be anymore.

Sinking further into the heated waters, pale grey eyes slid close beneath heavy lashes. The movement disturbed some of the crushed burgundy petals thrown across the otherwise cerulean waters. Against the background of ochre hued stone walls it was truly a beautiful contrast. But she couldn’t concentrate on such splendour. She had come here seeking sanctuary but soon her husband would send someone to retrieve her. If he didn’t come seeking her himself.

Husband. Did one willingly apply the title of husband to a brute such as XYX? The only child of Lord XXX, it was a little spoken of fact that XYX’s mother had also being the Lord’s second cousin. Her father had told her of this family. No, more like warned her of them. They were a people that believed in the purity of their own bloodline, not unlike how her father monitored the pedigrees of his horses.

Obviously there was insanity in their blood.

Why else would he expect she that would get down and kiss the toe of his boot? She would rather kiss a dragon’s scaly snout instead. Had she the chance she would have willingly let herself be swept up in the destruction that was spreading across the north more quickly with every passing day it seemed. After all, if Lord XXX had his way, her entire country would be stolen from her fingertips and given to his son as a wedding gift.


I'd like thoughts, specifically if the detail maybe too much or too vague.

Some parts - e.g. XXX for names, etc., have been added to keep from any theft.

Miles-Kirk
September 3rd, 2014, 02:50 AM
I really like the pace of this piece, not too much is given away, enough is left to intrigue as to what is going on. I especially liked the paragraph about the 'old ways', I'm hooked to know more about the lore and history behind that.

You set the scene very well by describing the setting, introducing family elements and even a slight hint at the theme and plot of the story. The only thing I feel is missing is details about the character herself. The only information we find out about her is that she has grey eyes, misses home and has a husband-to-be. I feel there needs to be more so that the reader can really envision the character you are trying to portray.

Nitpick wise, there's a couple things I'd like to mention.

'she breathed in the scent of lavender and rose. It was a rather spicy aroma' - surely it should be a sweet aroma because of the roses element?

You mentioned scent twice, as you've already mentioned the aromas, I would consider rewriting to describe how else she is relaxed, maybe even leading onto some character description?

You also start a couple sentences with the word 'but', personally I would just place a comma instead of a full stop and extend the sentence, for example, 'Against the background of ochre hued stone walls it was truly a beautiful contrast, but she couldn't concentrate on such splendour.'

Looking forward to reading more.
-MK

jakegenebarnes
September 6th, 2014, 06:53 PM
I enjoyed the read mostly for your poetic prose. There's not enough to become invested in what's happening, and it feels a bit, "Song of Ice and Fire-y".

CasMerlyn(R)
September 6th, 2014, 11:27 PM
I enjoyed the read mostly for your poetic prose. There's not enough to become invested in what's happening, and it feels a bit, "Song of Ice and Fire-y".

And I bet every orc / elf and human story seems LOTR.

Or dragon, elf, human, etc. like Dragonlance.


Far from it seeing as I never read Song of Ice & Fire nor, after the first series, lowered myself to watching Game of Thrones. It's too tacky.

JC.Axe
September 8th, 2014, 12:09 PM
It's very descriptive and poetic.
I'm not so much into Fantasy (although I did read a bit when I was younger); that being said I do quite like the introduction. I found it was easy to read without being overly simplistic.

Good work.

JC Axe